Finding My Own Place And Keeping Place For Each Other
Part 1

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I have put Namjoon's thoughts and memories in italics to make your reading easier!

After our trip to the beach we never called each other. Even so, I knew more or less what everyone else would be to to.

Yoongi was in his workroom working on music, Hoseok was working at Two Star Burger and at the dance studio, Jungkook was in school waiting for vacation to start and Jimin had probably left Hoseok and gone back home.

I tried to get back into my daily routine at the gas station. We all were living our own lives and focused on what we deemed important. We carried on with our lives as if everything was normal, and we pretended the incident at the beach had never happened.

From time to time I recalled what Taehyung said at the beach. His words haunted me. They reminded me of the small village I'd come from and the memories I thought I'd forgotten. On that blustery, winter day, what had JongHun wanted to tell me? I remember calling JongHun Taehyung since he reminded me of Taehyung.

If I had listened to JongHun, would things be different now? If I'd listened to Taehyung when he'd asked for a favor, would things be different now?

What did Taehyung want to ask me that day as we walked back to the station? Taehyung hadn't seemed like himself. He looked desperate and deadly serious, as if he has something urgent to do.

I didn't listen or reply to Taehyung because I was scared. I wasn't scared because I was reminded of JongHun. I was scared because I didn't want to hear what Taehyung had to ask. I didn't want to have to make a decision between helping him or not. I wanted to avoid making a decision, as I always had.

And I felt pathetic for being indecisive and scared of making decisions. With my head low, I left work.

Before leaving the village that winter, I remember going to see JongHun's parents. I had nothing to say to them, no apology or truth to tell. I simply felt I had to go. Maybe I wanted to tell them it wasn't his fault.

I wanted to offer my condolences and share in the grief his parents had. I didn't think it would comfort them in any way, but I wanted to go to feel at ease about the whole situation.

When I looked up again, in the present and not lost in my memories, I saw Taehyung's graffiti at the bus stop. Taehyung had already been arrested for the graffiti before. Even at the police station, Taehyung smiled proudly. He only got in more trouble for his attitude.

"What are you so happy about?" I asked Taehyung as we walked out of the police station.

"There's no reason not to be happy. The weather is great and the graffiti looked good. I ran like hell with you and we got arrested together," Taehyung replied. Then he smiled. "And we both got out together too."

I laughed in disbelief. Taehyung joined in, laughing himself silly.

"When someone worries about you, don't keep your issues to yourself. I probably can't do much for you, but I am here to listen," I said to him. I truly meant it, but to myself, it still felt like a lie.

For someone like Taehyung, he was kind and down in his luck and needed someone to lean on. Even if it was a nobody like me.

At the bus stop I took my phone out and called Taehyung.

"Are you busy?" I asked. "There's a place I want us to go to together."

———

The countryside village was exactly the same as I'd left it. The old road signs, quiet streets and the stream flowing to the river. The only difference was the season.

Taehyung and I got out of the bus. He stretched. The bus kicked up dust behind it as it left. A scooter sputtered past us, on its way to the village, in need of rest.

During the bus ride here I told Taehyung everything: the delivery competition I was in, trying to make a living, the accident in the snowstorm, how JongHun was killed in the accident, and how the other people in the village had reached to the tragic death.

I couldn't tell Taehyung about how I'd ran away from home after that. About JongHun's last words.

Did I regret what happened that day? No. I wasn't able to do anything.

And I didn't come back to this village to apologize either. I cale back to see for myself what I was like to survive and be the survivor. That was the only thing on my mind that day I'd left this place.

I survived. And he didn't.

We headed to the slope, on our way to the resting area.

"It's too hot for June," Taehyung told me.

"It's going to get hotter."

We made small talk as we carried on up the slope. I pushed Taehyung ahead when he wanted to give up. He leaned against me, his head flipping backwards. The sun was so bright. And we struggled to keep our eyes open. 

I stopped at the bend in the road where JongHun had passed.

"This is the pace," I said.

The mark on the side of the road was long gone. I lay down on the spot where JongHun had been. I closed my eyes and tried to picture what his last moments had been like.

Where did his scooter skid? The empty road must have been covered in heavy snow. He must've tried his best to not fall when the scooter skid.

And what did he see when he was flung off the scooter? When he fell to the ground without a helmet, what did he think? And when he breathed his last breaths, what did he say? What did he want to say?

He froze to death that day.

A cold breeze swept past me. I shivered. The backs of my eyelids went white. Taehyung said something to me but I couldn't hear him. My body felt heavy. I was frozen in place. My mind was foggy, as if I'd been frozen under the snow like JongHun.

I'm like a dead person. 

I recalled that night I walked from the beach and ignored Taehyung when he asked for a favor.

What did it mean to survive? Being alive? Having a place to sleep and having food to eat? Waking up each day and sleeping at night?

And i spent every day doing just that. I was scared of responsibility. And because of that I never truly lived. I always turned a blind eye and regretted not helping later.

I didn't do anything for anyone else because I was too scared. And I did nothing because I was afraid to die. And because of that I wasn't able to live.

And is doing nothing even being alive? I was doing nothing with my life. So I was breathing, but dead already.

The scooter sputtered in the snow storm. The road was covered in leaves and slippery calcium chloride.

I recalled that day like a film in my head. It was a hot summer's day and yet I was trembling, remembering the cold.

I felt pain in my thigh, just as JongHun had in his accident.

JongHun hadn't been the only one to die that day. I ran away from home and lived with no purpose and no will to do anything in fear of death. And because of that I had died already, all those years ago.

To survive, I had to kill myself.

"Namjoon!" Taehyung called me, trying to break me out from my thoughts and I lay on the ground.

Hearing his voice made me snap out of it. The chill I felt vanished. I felt the warm road beneath me again. I opened my eyes and saw Taehyung looking down at me with wide eyes.

"You scared me, Hyung," he said. "You looked dead."

I took his hand and got up. Before coming, I'd brought along a piece of the scooter's headlight with me. I took it out my pocket and put it on the road.

Farewell, JongHun.

Taehyung put his hand on the road and said softly, "Hyung, we shouldn't die."

We walked along the river and finally made our way to the outskirts of the village. The top of the hill was high enough for us to look out over the whole place. Taehyung took a stone and tossed it into the river.

We watched the stone plop in. The water rippled.

After a while Taehyung spoke.
"What's on your mind?" Taehyung asked.

Without a word I pointed to a house near the zelkova tree. Taehyung didn't ask whose house it was.

Someone opened the door and came outside. She had a towel on her head and put a few things in a straw basket before going back inside again.

"That's my mom, Taehyung."

I'd never invited Taehyung into my home even though I'd known him for a long time. My dad had been ill and I'd never brought anyone home. And I didn't want others to see how I'd lived. I didn't want to admit to myself that I was in a state of note.

"Aren't you going to go?" Taehyung asked me.

I shook my head.

"That's harsh. If that was my mom...but you're like that I guess. You're cruel and listen to no one else but yourself. You never share your struggles and try to fix things yourself. You sacrifice things for yourself and you handle things alone like an adult. You handle all your burdens alone and don't ever tell others about it..."

We made our way down the slope again. He stuck with me. Thankfully the walk down was easier. The cool breeze helped with the hot sun.

We passed an orchid on the outskirts of the town past a house with a blue gate. JongHun's home.

No one lived there anymore. His family left without a word and the village seemed to want to forget JongHun's death and his very existence.

Something welled up inside me. I gripped my flannel shirt tightly, wrapping it around my chest. I didn't button it.

"Are you alright?" Taehyung asked.

Instead of answering I said, "Taehyung, you had a favor to ask. Back at the beach. Tell me now. Let's see if we can handle it together."

The bus was coming our way again.

Before Taehyung could answer, his phone buzzed.

He took out his phone. A startled look crossed his face.

"Jungkook..."

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Namjoon's character's way of dealing with death in this chapter is truly astounding. I lost my twin on the 24th of August this year and I truly relate to his experience and emotions. I had to spend my birthday on 25 September alone this year.
Instead of feeling dead, as Taehyung's character says, I will continue living <3

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