Ok. I've considered this for a while, and I wasn't sure whether it was a good idea or not, so I've just decided to do it anyway. If you think I should take this down, please let me know and I will. I also want to preface that by having this chapter in a sickfics book I am by no means suggesting autism is an illness that should be treated. Autistic individuals are all wonderful people who deserve just as much respect as anyone else and should be accepted for their autism, not forced to try and change it. I am not autistic myself (that we know of anyway 👀) but I have friends with autism and have done a lot of research on it before. I will do my best to represent it accurately, but if I get things wrong in places I am sorry. But it should also be mentioned that autism comes in many different forms, and every autistic person is different in the way they deal with the signs/criteria(of autism), which aspects are more prominent etc. So it is pretty impossible to accurately represent autism for everyone, cause everyone's different, but I will do my best.
I also want to mention, I am writing this for April, which is autism awareness/acceptance month. Just incase you didn't know. I also literally just found out it's autism awareness day today (2nd of April) so Yay! 
Ok, now that the disclaimer is over, let's get on with the chapter.

Yoongi was diagnosed with autism when he was 5. It was a little late of a diagnosis, but at the time the only signs were his lack of eye contact, and the fact that he didn't say his first word until he was about 3. At the time his parents felt ashamed of his diagnosis. They didn't know what to do, how to care for an autistic child. They worried for his future. It took a while for them to learn how to care for him, but once they learnt, they felt a little more secure.

When he gained a special interest in music, they worried even more. Before long he'd be wanting a career in music, and his parents definitely didn't want that. The music industry is hard to get into as it is. And even when you do, it never pays well, unless you make it big. So when Yoongi gave up everything to stay in Seoul and make music, his parents were extremely worried. They were ready for him to come running back to them needing money and a home. But that didn't happen. He got lucky.

Now here he was several years later, part of the biggest boyband in the world.

He was sat in his studio, producing a new track for the upcoming album. He'd seen the fans on twitter all excited for the new album, and Yoongi was excited too, but he was also nervous. Very. He had a lot of deadlines coming up that he was struggling to keep up with. He played the track through his computer and let out a frustrated sigh. It didn't sound good at all. His chest got tighter. Suddenly the music blaring from the computer got louder and louder until his ears started hurting. The buzzing of the lights in the room, the sound of the fan in his computer, all those sounds were all coming in at once, merging into one big sound, that was incredibly loud. He clamped his hands over his ears, and started rocking back and forth involuntarily. His heart was beating at 1000 miles an hour, as he tried so hard to cling onto the last bit of reality he had left. He just wanted to escape, what from, he didn't really know. The stress had gotten too much; he was going into sensory overload.

Namjoon came into his studio, originally just to see how the song was coming along, only to see him rocking back and forth. His heart skipped a beat and he practically dashed over and paused the song playing on the computer and crouched down in front of Yoongi.
"Yoongi. Yoongi, listen to me." Namjoon says, trying to get his attention. Yoongi pulled his hands away from his ears after hearing the music stop and continued to rock. He continued to stim, shaking his hands rather violently, occasionally clapping. Even though the music had stopped, every other sound, sight, sensation around him just felt like too much. At least by stimming he could help to regulate this feeling somewhat. However, he could still barely comprehend what Namjoon was saying, and to him it now just sounded like a jumble of sounds. It felt like all the sounds he could hear were moulded into one big sound. Everything he could see was too bright. Every little touch felt painful. It was all too overwhelming.
That feeling was horrible. It's felt so intensely uncomfortable that he couldn't help but let multiple tears slip out as his chest tightened even more.
"You're ok, just take some deep breaths ok?" Namjoon spoke clearly with a low tone, being careful not to touch him or get too close. Yoongi tried to take in deep breaths, but the sobs took over instead. An intense mix of frustration, discomfort, and overwhelming sensations was all he could feel. It wasn't fun at all.
Namjoon noticed a stress ball on Yoongis desk and handed to him. Yoongi eagerly took it and started squeezing it and fiddling with it. Just the feeling of squeezing the stress ball felt relaxing to him, and brought a strange sense of comfort, almost like a distraction from the overwhelming feeling. It was thanks to that, that Yoongi managed to finally in a deep breath in and out.
"Do you wanna go for a walk?" Yoongi nods, and stands up, still fiddling with the stress ball. He just wanted to get out of the confines of his studio, away from the overwhelming sensory input. He kept his head down as he walked through the corridors with Namjoon. He definitely didn't want to end up making eye contact with anyone right now, and the consistent pattern and colour of the floor helped calm him down. He hummed to himself, occasionally shaking or flapping his hands as a way to block out the stress that was threatening to take over. Namjoon walked alongside him, keeping a close eye on him to make sure he's ok. Hoseok walked past, and was about to stop, but he knew Namjoon had control over the situation. After all, it wasn't that rare of an occurrence to see Yoongi walking through the corridors alone after just needing an escape. It was a relief that at least this time he had someone with him.

After walking around the building for a little while, Yoongi was still humming and fiddling with the stress ball. He still felt a lot of anxiety about the looming deadlines that were creeping up on him, but he just couldn't express it. No matter how hard he thought, he couldn't find the right words. And besides, even if he could, it felt like there was a brick wall in his mind blocking him from being able to get the words out. Not because he was nervous or anything; he couldn't explain it even if he wanted to. Namjoon sat him back down, and it's clear Yoongi still hadn't calmed down. Namjoon was getting nervous about what was to come. He recognised all these signs all too well. Yoongi's humming was getting more desperate, almost turning into whines as the panic and anxiety built up from in his chest. He started rocking again, getting frustrated that he couldn't express all the emotions he was feeling. He couldn't help but start to do things he knew he shouldn't be doing. He started to hit his head, much harder than he intended to, as if he had no control over himself. Well, he did have little control over himself.
"Heyheyhey, stop that." Namjoon says. He desperately wanted to hold Yoongi's hands down and stop him from hurting himself but he knew that would likely just makes things worse. If he even touched him it's not unlikely that Yoongi would have a full blown meltdown. Yoongi didn't stop. He couldn't. It felt like he had to.
"Yoongi, listen to me. Show me your hands." Namjoon says, just as a way to get them away from his head. Yoongi obeyed, trying his best. He really hated when it got so bad he started hitting himself. He never wanted to, but he couldn't control it. It felt like the only way to get some sort of relief from the overwhelming amount of sensory input that he just couldn't keep up with. Now that that relief was taken away, the emotions were rising again. It took all his power not to start hitting again.
"Good." Namjoon praises. He searched through Yoongi's draws in a desperate attempt to find something to distract him and found a tangle toy, and handed it to Yoongi. Yoongi gladly took it, fiddling with it, as a way to keep his hands occupied. As he focused on playing with the tangle toy, he started feeling the anxiety die down, and his humming went from loud and desperate to quiet and softer.
"Do you want to go outside?" Namjoon suggests, and Yoongi thinks for a bit, processing the question, before nodding. Just a breath of fresh air to reset his mind is all he needed right now. Yoongi stood up and followed Namjoon outside. They sat together on a bench as Yoongi finally calmed down enough to talk, and make some eye contact. Only some though.

"Do you wanna talk about it?" Namjoon pushes. He wanted Yoongi to talk about it, so he could get his feelings out, but he knew Yoongi probably wouldn't. Just as he predicted, Yoongi shook his head.
"I want to but... I can't." Yoongi says, playing with his fingers.
"Is that why you nearly had a meltdown?" Namjoon asks. Yoongi nodded, making momentary eye contact. Eye contact never made Yoongi comfortable at the best of times, but in this moment, a brief look in Namjoon's caring eyes was enough to just give him some comfort.
"Well, if you find a way to express it, and you're happy to tell me, I would like it, so we can avoid it in the future, yeah?" Yoongi nodded, and Namjoon smiled sadly. He felt sympathy for Yoongi, life must be exhausting for him sometimes. 
"You ready to go back in yet? We have dance practice soon." Namjoon says, looking at his watch. Yoongi nodded, and stood up from the bench, Namjoon followed close behind.

Yoongi walked into the dance studio, and placed his bags at the side of the room. He walked into the middle, shaking his hands to stim out the left over emotions, clearing his mind so he could get into the mindset for dance.
"Ok guys, the formation has changed a little bit since you learnt it last week, so we'll sort that out first." Yoongi froze. The formation changed. Something changed. Whenever anything changes he automatically gets uncomfortable, but for some reason due to his sensitive state, this small change set him off. He didn't want it too, but it was hard for him to keep the control right now.
"Why are we changing it?" Yoongi blurted out, sounding much more angry than he intended.
"Because the formatting just didn't work. It wouldn't have worked on stage so we had to change it." Their dance teacher says, understanding that Yoongi didn't mean to be so firm.
"But-... I-..." tears started brewing in his eyes. If it changed, that means it's different. That means that all the patterns he'd used in his head to learn it before were ruined. He couldn't help but start to slip into a meltdown.
"Yoongi, it's ok, go cool down." Jimin said casually, since this kind of thing was something they were quite used to at this point. Usually he'd just go to the bathroom to have his own space to cool down, take 5 minutes and come back, but today was different.
"But it's different and it's changed and I don't want it to I-" he mumbles out. Everyone stopped in their tracks. This wasn't going to be easy. Namjoon walked over to him again (he was usually best at dealing with meltdowns) and said in a low, clear voice.
"Yoongi, take a deep breath, go to the bathroom and calm down."
"I don't want to." Yoongi said, unintentionally angrily again. He felt an urge to scream and push and trash the place. It was taking all his effort to hold back.
"I know it's changed, but the choreography will be the same. It's just where you will be that's changed ok? It's ok, we can get around it yes?" Namjoon says, as clearly as possible, but today just wasn't Yoongi's day. This wasn't going to work.

He exploded into screams, and cries, and all the others struggled to watch as Namjoon tried desperately to calm him down without touching him. The number one rule for when Yoongi was over stimulated or having a meltdown was don't touch him.
They had a sensory play room in the building, that had all his sensory toys and things to help him to relax, but getting him there was challenging when you couldn't touch him.
"I'm sorry dance teacher-nim" Namjoon quickly apologised on Yoongi's behalf, but luckily the dance teacher knew them all well enough to know that Yoongi would have the occasional meltdown.

Yoongi struggled to breathe through the screams and yells that were escaping his mouth. It felt like an explosion of emotion inside his chest, a messy mix of anger, frustration and plain sadness. It's as if he completely lost control over his body and emotions, and he was fighting so hard to get that control back.
"Yoongi, I want you to stand up and walk with me ok?" Namjoon says, crouched down next to him. Yoongi cried more, and his more harmful stims started to make an appearance again. He was hitting the ground and hitting his head again. Namjoon had to be firmer.
"Yoongi, hands out." He said, slowly and clearly. But Yoongi didn't obey this time. This was when they were all wishing they could just touch him and pull his hands away, but if they did that, he'd start hurting others too.
"Yoongi. I need you to hold your hands out." Namjoon said, as clearly and firmly as possible, even holding his own hands out to demonstrate. Yoongi held his shaking hands out, switching to rather violent rocking. Luckily there was nothing around him for him to rock into.
"Are you ok?" Namjoon asked simply once Yoongi's loud cries had quietened a little bit to shaky hums. He manages to nod a little bit.
"Can you stand?" Namjoon asks again, keeping his questions as simple as possible. Yoongi nods once again.
"Ok, stand up." Namjoon says, standing up himself to help demonstrate to Yoongi. Yoongi manages to stand up, and Namjoon directs him towards the door.
"We'll be back in a bit. Just carry on without us for now." He says quickly before opening the door and instructing Yoongi to follow him. Yoongi hums and flaps his hands as they walk through the corridor to the sensory room.

It had a fluffy carpet and fluffy blankets on a soft couch, with lava lamps and mood lighting, along with many sensory toys. Yoongi sat down, continuing to rock back and forth and shake his hands. Namjoon opened the closet in the corner of the room and took a weighted blanket off the top shelf. This was always the best thing for Yoongi's meltdowns, especially if it was anxiety based. Yoongi gladly took it, wrapping it around himself as he continued to rock and hum. The weight of the blanket on his shoulders made him immediately feel calmer.
Namjoon just sat with Yoongi as his stims started to calm and he had calmed down.
"You ok?" Namjoon asked, now that Yoongi had stopped rocking, now just quietly crying after all that happened. Yoongi nodded and readjusted the blanket.
"Do you want anything else?" Namjoon asked, pointing to the cupboard. Yoongi nodded and stood up, walking over to the cupboard, and grabbed another stimming toy. It was chewable, so it went straight into his mouth, and he wondered back over to the couch, wrapping the blanket around his shoulders again as he chewed on the stim toy. Namjoon handed him a fidget cube to occupy his hands, and Yoongi took it, crossing his legs and his head stayed down as he focused on fidgeting with the cube. The cube occupied his hands and mind, and so Yoongi finally calmed down fully.
"You ok?" Namjoon asked again, just to be sure. Yoongi nodded, repeatedly flicking the switch on the fidget cube.
"Can you talk?" Namjoon asks, and Yoongi doesn't answer, because, well, he doesn't know the answer. So he signs instead.

He signs "no" keeping his head down, and continues to flip the switch.
"You wanna sign?" Namjoon asks, and Yoongi nods. Yoongi would sometimes use a form of sign language when he felt like he couldn't speak.
"Do you think you can tell me what happened?" Yoongi signed "change" and "don't like" and started humming and shaking his head again at the emotions that were resurfacing again.
"You didn't like the change?" Yoongi nods, starting to rock again. Talk of the change was bringing the panic back within him.
"It's ok. Remember the formation had changed, not the dance. It won't be a big change I promise." Yoongi didn't respond, and just continued to rock.
"Are you ready to go back in? Or do you need a little longer?" Namjoon asked.
"Longer." Yoongi mumbled. He was starting to calm, at least enough that he could talk.
"Are you alright on your own or do you want me to stay?" Yoongi thought about it, flicking the switch some more.
"Stay..."
"Ok I'll stay. Don't worry, take your time."
Yoongi stopped rocking, stopped fidgeting with the fidget cube, stopped chewing. His chest started tightening again, but in a different way. Yoongi started crying. But not in a meltdown way. He was just letting his emotions out in a setting where he is most comfortable.
"You ok Yoongi? Can you tell me what's up?" Yoongi just signs "stress" since that's the best he can do right now. He's still struggling to find a way to properly express his emotions out loud.
"Are you stressed?" Namjoon says softly. Yoongi nods, wiping his tears away. Oh how Namjoon wanted to just scoop him up and hug him. But he knew he couldn't.

Apparently the heavens heard his call. Yoongi reached his arms out to Namjoon. This was a rare occurrence.
"You want a hug?" Namjoon asked, to be sure. Yoongi nodded. Namjoon gladly gave Yoongi a hug. He wanted to squeeze him tight, but he knew he still had to be careful. They stayed that way for a few minutes, until Yoongi had got his emotions out.
"Are you ready to go back now?" Namjoon asked, and Yoongi nodded. He held his chewing stim toy up and pointed at it.
"You want to take it with you?" Yoongi nodded enthusiastically.
"Ok, hand it to me and I'll put string on it." Namjoon says, holding his hand out. He took the toy and put string on it so Yoongi could wear it like a necklace, so he wouldn't have to hold it and end up losing it, and handed it back to Yoongi.

They wondered back to the dance studio, Yoongi keeping his eyes on the floor the whole time. When they arrived there everyone knew just to act natural, and that helped Yoongi feel more comfortable. He never liked having lots of eyes on him. Despite the fact he was a celebrity. But a large crowd is different to a few people in a room.

Which is why when on this particular day, they remembered they had an interview, Yoongi definitely wasn't happy. There's a reason he often wouldn't speak during interviews. Because he knew the moment he opens his mouth all eyes would be on him. He would look away, his eyes would wonder around the room to avoid eye contact, but that meant he would often come off as rude, so the other members would have to give him gentle reminders every now and then. But today, he wasn't having a good day. So he knew this interview was going to be hard. And so were all the others. They felt extra tense during this interview, waiting for Yoongi to do something to trigger confusion in the interviewer.

Unfortunately for him, the interviewer asked a question he just couldn't resist answering. He started talking, and his eyes started to wonder around the room, and everywhere but the interviewers eyes. Jungkook, who was sat next to him, noticed this and gave him a very gentle tap with his foot, as a reminder to make occasional eye contact. Yoongi responds accordingly, making eye contact with the interviewer. It feels horrifically uncomfortable. Suddenly all he can think about is which eye hes looking at, or is he staring too intently, or has he been looking to long and suddenly he starts to stutter. He completely loses his train of thought, so he looks away. He feels so defeated. He always tried to be respectful and make eye contact, but it was just so hard when for him it just felt horrifically awkward. He just about managed to finish his answer, and waited for their translator to finish translating before turning to Namjoon and asking if he could leave the room for a second.
"Is it alright if he just leaves the room for a second?" Namjoon asks, motioning back to Yoongi, who was nervously fiddling with his own fingers.
"Yeah sure." The interviewer says, just being polite. In reality they feel quite clueless as to what is going on.
Yoongi took that cue, immediately hopping off the stool and practically ran to the bathroom. He ran into the stall, locked it and paced around (as much as he could in the small stall), and shook his hands while puffing out deep breaths. His chest tightened. This throat felt like it was closing, and it felt like was going to start choking. He coughed to try and stop his through from closing, only for him to choke and gag. He knelt down in front of the toilet, anticipating a heave. Then he heard a knock on the door.

They waited a little while, and Namjoon was starting to get worried after all that had happened that day.
"Um I'm just going to go and make sure he's ok." Namjoon said, excusing himself and wondered to the bathroom where Yoongi was, and knocked on the door.
"Yoongi? You ok in there?" Yoongi froze for a moment, and reached up to unlock the door. Namjoon walked in to see Yoongi sat against the wall.
"You ok? What happened?" Namjoon says, crouching down in front of him, an urgency in his voice that he was desperately trying to hide.
"I was talking but- I wasn't looking- so kookie told me to but- I did it but- I panicked and now I-" Yoongi stumbled through his words, trying hard to express what he meant. He gripped and pulled at his hair in frustration. Why did no one ever understand?
"Ok ok it's ok, deep breaths ok?" Yoongi tried, but his throat started closing again, and he started gagging again, he scrambled to the toilet again, actually bringing something up this time. This had only happened a few times before. Namjoon looked around awkwardly. Why did this have to happen in the middle of an interview?
"Yoongi its really important that you take deep breaths ok?" Namjoon said, trying to deescalate the situation. Yoongi tried, but his first few attempts ended in just choking and gagging. The lack of air he was getting just made the panic worse.
"Can you count to 10 for me?" Namjoon says clearly, and Yoongi only just managed, struggling to get the words out, but by the time he got to 10, he was calmer, and he managed to take some proper deep breaths.
"Ok? Are you ok to go back in now?" Namjoon asks, and Yoongi nods. They head back together, and Yoongi grabs some water to wash the sour taste out of his mouth and they go back to the interview.
"S-sorry about the wait," Yoongi apologises awkwardly, twiddling his fingers awkwardly behind his back.
"No worries." The interviewer replies, again, just to be polite. In reality she was very confused as to what had just happened.
Jungkook subtly asks Yoongi if he's ok and Yoongi nods. He made a vow to just stay quiet for the rest of the interview. It just wasn't worth the embarrassment and anxiety.

Later that night, he was sat in his studio, not working. Instead he just sat, thinking through all that happened that day. He was trying to find a way to express his feelings. He needed to tell someone. Unfortunately this wasn't the kind of issue that he could just keep to himself. He stood up and wondered to Namjoon's studio, and knocked on the door.
"Come in!" He hears a muffled voice call from the other side of the door, and Yoongi walks in, keeping his eyes trained on the floor. He fiddled with his fingers, rehearsing what he was going to say in his head.
"Oh hey Yoongi! What's up?" Namjoon says casually, hiding his concern at how nervous Yoongi seemed, especially after the mess that was today.
"I-I... wanted to tell you what happened... earlier." Yoongi said keeping his eyes firmly on the floor.
"Sure, why don't you come and sit down." Namjoon offered, and Yoongi walked to the couch in his studio, and sat on it cross legged, playing with a loose thread. He stayed looking at the floor. He didn't want to make any eye contact at all right now.
"So, tell me what happened."
"Umm... I...." Yoongi struggled, playing with his fingers as he tried to retrieve the words he had previously rehearsed.
"I'm trying to think..." he mumbled.
"It's ok, take as much time as you need." Namjoon said, trying to keep a neutral and casual tone.
"I... there was... I had..." Yoongi was starting to get frustrated now. Why was it so hard just to say what was going on in his head. He took a deep breath, to reset everything and start again.
"O-our album... is soon and... I was trying to finish it but... I got.... um...." suddenly the word for stressed disappeared from his mind, and he clicked his fingers, hit his head to try and get it back. Namjoon wanted to stop him from hitting his head but it didn't seem as violent and he didn't want to distract yoongi from his goal to get the words out, so he let this one slide.
"I was............... stressed." He finally found the word and managed to get it out.
"The deadlines, and... the song didn't sound good and I got stressed." The relief he felt when he finally got it out. It felt so good.
"You stressed about deadlines?" Namjoon confirmed, and Yoongi nodded.
"That's ok. I am too. If you ever want help with songs you know you can ask me or any of the others, yeah?" Yoongi nodded, smirking slightly with pride. He felt proud of himself for managing to express his feelings successfully.
"Thank you for telling me. You did a good job expressing it. Well done." Namjoon said, holding a hand up for a high five, and Yoongi took it with a slight twitch of a smile.
"Do you want me to come and help you with the song? Take some stress off your shoulders?" Namjoon asked. Yoongi nodded, with a little smile again. Yoongi, being eager, stood up and went to leave.
"Hold on let me just save this. I'll be there in a bit." Namjoon says, quickly saving the song he was working on before following Yoongi to his studio.
Namjoon pulled up a chair next to Yoongi at his desk, and they started to work on the song together. Namjoon looked up at Yoongi and smiled seeing the passionate smile on his face.

Seeing Yoongi happy was the best feeling in the world.

Okaaaaaaay. Honestly, I really wanted this to be a chapter I was proud of, but I don't know if it is 😕 idk I really tried to read through and improve it as much as possible but it was hard.
Anyway, happy autism acceptance month! Big love to all the autistics out there 💜
If any of you want to learn more about autism, firstly, great! Secondly, I have some great resources for places to learn about autism. If you have any to add feel free to drop them in the comments too! Of course I am also open to questions if you have any, and i'll try my best to answer them accurately!
OK, Firstly, I mean, google is great 😂 BUT if you do google anything about autism, just be wary of sites like autism speaks that claim to be for autism awareness but are actually horrible companies that claim autism is a horrible illness should be cured. We don't like those. 👍🏻 trusted websites like the nhs if you're from the uk, or other similar websites are best.
If you want to be entertained as well as educated, there are some great YouTube channels out there. My personal favourite is fatheringautism. It's basically a family vlogging channel, and they have a non-verbal autistic daughter (who is just the most adorable person ever) and also do some informative videos on autism, like they've done some great ones on stimming, and on the therapy that she gets, what her school is like etc. SBSK is another great one, not just for autism but all sorts of diagnoses. His channel is so amazing and I love what he does for the world, so go check that out too. His videos are good if you wanna hear about life from their perspective and what life is like for them.
That's about all I can think of, but as I said, if you have any others please do leave them in the comments 👍🏻 anyway, that's about all for now, hope you are all surviving in quarantine 😂 I have two other chapters in the works, one above this, and one after, so just keep an eye out for those! I also have a lot of requests, so I have lots to write! Now i have tons of time stuck in the house I can write a lot more so hopefully updates may be a little quicker? Idk we'll see 😂 anyway.
See ya in the next one!
안녕!!! 👋🏻