Wow would you look at that I don't have anything to say. Let's just get into it. if it wasn't already obvious, be careful if you get triggered by panic attacks and stuff. Ok cool cool.

🔴JINS POV🔴

I'll be honest with you. For a while, I always felt like the underdog of bts. The others are so talented; they can sing, rap, dance. I'm not as good as them at those things. For a while I felt like I was just there to be a pretty face. I've definitely improved over the years, and now I'm finally starting to be at the same level as the rest of them.

Now that I'm finally at the same level as them, I wanted to try my own project. I've done solo covers before, but I've never written my own song. I've decided I want to write my own song for festa this year. It'll be a nice surprise for army. I know they'll love it. I've already had a few meetings with producers, starting to create a melody. As much as I'd love to be able to do it all by myself, I don't think that would really be possible, but even though the producers are helping, I'm still writing most of the melody, just with their guidance. It sounds really good so far.

Now that the melody is done, all that's left is the lyrics, and recording. I know what I want the lyrics to be about. I want to write it about jjangu and eomuk, and odengi. I feel like I still haven't processed those losses. Maybe writing a song about it will help me process it. Unfortunately I've never written lyrics so I'll have to ask Namjoon for help, but I still want to try and do it all myself.

—————

When I woke up this morning, I immediately noticed a dull ache behind my eyes. But with the amount of work we do, it's not rare to have a small headache. I just think of it as nothing and take some painkillers. I head to the studio and go to the office to start on writing.

My head pounds even more as i wrack my brains for the right lyrics, but i can't think of anything. All I can think about is this ravaging headache. The painkillers i took did nothing to ease it, and it pounds, throbbing with pain. I've never had a headache like it. Could it even be considered a headache? or is it a migraine? I can't work like this. It hurts too much.

I'm not good with pain at the best of times. I've danced through a sprained ankle before, but it was hard, and took so much physical effort to hold back my flinches. This headache is too painful. I can't handle it. And i can't even take more painkillers for an hour or so. I don't like to be a crybaby, but there are tears building in my eyes as this headache, no... migraine, pounds behind my eyes with a ravaging pain i have never felt before. I can barely open my eyes, and the lights feel too bright, the computer screen in front of me is too bright. I can't handle it. I can't handle it.

I hear someone come into the office, and look up to see namjoon.

"Have you got anything yet hyung?" He says, looking at the screen over my shoulder. His voice hurts my head even more. It takes him a while, but he eventually realises im not ok.

"Oh! Hyung, whats up?" He says, a little softer, looking into my teary eyes.

"h-headache... migraine..." I say softly, the lump at the back of my throat building.

"Hey hey hey its ok, have you taken any painkillers?" Namjoon asks, brushing my hair back soothingly. I nod my head.

"They didn't work." I can't hold back anymore, and i feel tears starting to roll down my cheeks.

"Oh hyung im sorry, its ok. Maybe we can get you home." Namjoon suggests. While i don't want to go home and get behind on work, laying in my own bed in the dark sounds great right now. I nod slowly.

"Ok, i'll go talk to our manager, hang tight." Namjoon says, heading out the door. Before he leaves he stops at the doorway.

"You want me to turn the lights down?" I immediately nod, and he dims the lights down. Thank god for dimmer switches. What feels like two seconds later im interrupted again with our manager assessing the situation.

"So you got a headache?" Our manager says. I like him. He's a good manager. But right now, I want to throw him out of the room with how loud he's talking. I just nod.
"And you've taken painkillers?" I nod again.

"They didn't work." I reply, my voice shaking unexpectedly. He thinks for a while, but it's agonising. I just want to go home.

"Please nim just let me go home!" I cry rather pathetically. He sighs and gives in. I've never sighed such a sigh of relief. Namjoon gives me a hug and then helps me get home. He drives, since it would be dangerous for me to drive in this state. (For the sake of the story let's just say Namjoon can drive lmao)

As soon as we get home i go to bed, keeping the lights off and curtains drawn, just a small, warm-light lamp to provide some light in the room without hurting my head too much. Namjoon goes and makes me a warm cup of tea, that is much appreciated. He perches on the edge of my bed, brushing my hair back and starting to gently massage my head. Its nice.

"What do you think it came from? Stress? or maybe you caught something?" Namjoon says, his voice just a notch louder than a whisper. I just hum, not having the energy to answer properly.

"Just try and get some sleep, and i'll see if we have any stronger painkillers you can have, ok?" I just nod, and lay back, closing my eyes and drifting off into an uncomfortable sleep. Even in my dreams I was still aware of this biting headache.

I wake up about an hour later. I didn't think it could get worse. But it did. From the moment i woke up, i started sobbing. I just wanted to rip my brain out of my skull. I've never had a headache this bad in my life. Namjoon must have heard my sobbing, as he comes in, softly shushing me. I can see pills in his hand and a glass of water in his other hand. He places them on the bedside table and helps me sit up, giving me a gentle hug before handing me the pills. I take them eagerly, begging for any kind of relief. 

"Its really bad huh?" Namjoon says, brushing my hair back. I close my eyes and try and focus on his touch. "The others will be home soon. I've already told them to be quiet so hopefully they won't walk in being all rowdy." 

I sigh, resting my head on his shoulder. I can already feel the painkillers starting to have an affect slowly. 

"Go back to sleep and get some rest and hopefully this nasty migraine will go away, yeah?" His voice is barely over a whisper, and it sends comforting shivers down my spine. I nod and lay back down, drifting back to sleep. This time i was no longer in pain while in my dreams. The painkillers worked. 

I'm woken up a few hours later by Hoseok. I can feel the tightness around my forehead, and it aches a little, but its no where near as bad as it was earlier. 

"How are you feeling, hyung? Namjoon said you had a migraine." Hoseok asks, speaking quietly, and gently rubbing up and down my arm.

"Y-yeah i feel better." I reply, slowly sitting up.

"Yoongi hyung cooked us dinner, did you want some?" At the mention of food, i start to smell it wafting in from the kitchen, and im suddenly aware of my stomach aching from hunger. I nod, slowly getting out of bed. My legs feel a little shaky from laying down all afternoon, but other than that i'm ok. The lights feel a bit bright at first having been in a dark room, but my eyes quickly adjust, and my head doesn't hurt any more from the lights.

As I enter the dining room i'm met with a chorus of "oh Jin hyung! Are you ok?" I just nod and sit down. I may be feeling better, but i still don't feel amazing, so i'm not really in the mood to talk. I spoon some of the soup yoongi made into the bowl and started eating away, listening to the others chatting away, keeping their voices down, thankfully. 

"Did you get any lyrics written for your song, hyung?" Yoongi asked, trying to make conversation with me. I sigh, seeing the blank document in my mind. I just shake my head, taking another spoonful of the soup, leaving the others in an awkward silence for a few seconds.

-----------------------

When i wake up, i still have a headache. Its not as bad as it was at its worst point, but its worse than it was when i went to sleep last night. It's bad enough to leave me rubbing my forehead uncomfortably as i wonder around to try and get myself ready to go for the morning. I rummage around in the cupboard in the bathroom for painkillers, but all the boxes i could find where empty. I through the final box in the bin with frustration. 

I grip onto the bathroom sink and look up at myself in the mirror. Now i think about it i do look a little pale, which makes the dark circles under my eyes stand out even more. I'm not worldwide handsome, not right now anyway. Still, i have to go in to work so i can get these lyrics done. If i go much longer without finishing them then the producers might start getting mad. It needs to be done in time for festa, but with the way its going right now, i don't know if it will.

I head out and join the others on our way to the studio. Namjoon pats my shoulder supportively.

"How's your headache this morning?" He asks.

"Fine." I lie. "Its almost gone." 

"Ah, good. Hopefully you can get some lyrics written. If you need help don't hesitate to ask, yeah?" I nod, and we head to the studio.

The bright sunlight makes my head throb, so i keep my eyes closed the whole journey to the studio, playing it off like i'm snoozing or something. I'm not looking forward to today. Not only do i have to try and write lyrics while sporting a migraine, but I also have to write lyrics about my dead pets. I know i signed up for this but i didn't think i'd already be in a bad mood while writing them. This is gonna be impossible.

After an hour of being sat in the studio, im still struggling. My headache has got worse again, and i keep getting emotional thinking about my dog and my sugar gliders. I know that would usually be a good thing when you're writing lyrics, but for right now, i hate it. I just want to be back in my own bed with my eyes closed and my head no longer throbbing. I've rummaged around in the draws on the search for painkillers, but i never find anything. I even considered going to yoongi to see if he has any, since he usually comes prepared and takes some everywhere with him, but if i did he would know i lied to namjoon earlier, plus he doesn't like to be disturbed. And so i stay. Struggling and sad.

I eventually cave and message namjoon asking if he can come and help. He comes in and quickly reads the 4 lines i have. He nods supportively, but i can tell behind his supportive tone and gestures, he thinks its shit. I think its shit. Why did i even write it? It's terrible. I should have just asked namjoon to do it from the start. 

Now im tearing up again. Wonderful. 

"Well, just think about how you feel about them not being here anymore... like how you want them back." Namjoon says, trying to give advice. Memories of jjangu and eomuk and odengie appear in my mind. God it hurts. It hurts deep down in my chest. I just want them back. I didn't even notice the tears streaming down my face, and neither did namjoon, until he looked over from where he was looking at the screen.

"Why are you crying? Hey, its ok!" Namjoon says, desperately enveloping me in a tight hug. I wan't jjangu back. I want eomuk back. I want odengie back. I have so many good memories of them, and now i'll never get any more. I can't feel jjangu's soft fur on my hands when i pet him, i can't feel the little pitter patter of the sugar gliders crawling up my arms. I just want them back. Is that so much to ask?

"Hyung, maybe you should just write the song about something else, this is making you really upset to write." Namjoon suggests. But i shake my head. I can't it has to be about them. They were always in my mind while i was writing the melody. It would feel weird to just change the topic. This is a song for them. I want to be able to give it to them, wherever they are. 

"Ok, well... It's taking you a while to get these lyrics done, and if you keep getting upset its only going to take even longer. You need to get these lyrics done soon, hyung. I know its hard, but... You should pull yourself together a bit..." Namjoon mentions awkwardly. It felt like an arrow through my heart, like he was telling me off, like he was criticising me. He might as well have said "you're terrible"...

🔵NAMJOON'S POV🔵

I really didn't want to say it. I did want to upset my hyung, but i mean, its the truth. He can't get these lyrics done. Not with the way he's going right now anyway. And i'm not trying to be rude. It's his first time writing lyrics all on his own with minimal help. Of course it'll take him a while. But that means we really don't have time for him to get emotional about it every two seconds. I keep telling him to use that emotion, but its hard to write when you're crying and can barely see the screen or the keyboard. He's not thinking straight. 

He looks at me with a dejected look in his eyes and i feel even worse. Just as im about to try and explain myself, he interrups.

"Get out. I'll do it myself." 

I guess it's my turn to feel that 'arrow through the heart' feeling. Just sigh and nod, and turn to leave. I know he's just sensitive and probably didn't mean to snap at me, but it still hurts. Especially when i'm genuinely just trying to help. I walk back down the hallway to my studio, and end up meeting Jungkook half way down the hallway, while he was getting water.

"What's up hyung? you look angry..." Jungkook says. I didn't realise how much my emotions we're showing on the outside.

"I was trying to help jin but... I guess i said something wrong and he kicked me out." 

"oh... That's strange..." Jungkook says with a shrug, before heading back to the dance studio where he was practising. I just mope back to my own studio to go back to what i was doing before i was interrupted.

I sit back down, looking at the lyrics to a song im working on. I try to focus on the lyrics, but all i can think about is jin. I got him so upset. I didn't mean to.

I fucked up real bad.

I think about going back and apologising, but decide against it. He probably just needs some time alone. I look back up at my lyrics, inspiration slowly coming back, and before long, i've forgotten about the whole incident.

🔴JINS POV🔴

I wipe away my tears, trying to take deep breaths and get myself together. I mean, namjoon was right. If i don't get myself together i'll never finish it. Its no secret. But i have to. So i get it together and stare back at the screen.

I wrack my brains, expecting inspiration to suddenly hit or something. But it doesn't. I write down a random rant in hopes i can maybe turn it into lyrics, but its no use. Its terrible.

The aching in my head gets worse again, building quickly until its at the same intensity it was at its worse yesterday. And theres nothing i can do about it. I weep pathetically, resting my head on my desk. My fists are clenched so tightly my knuckles are turning white. 

Suddenly a notification pings on the computer, and i look up at it, squinting hard at the brightness of the computer screen. Its an e-mail from the producer. I open it up with fear. I know what he's going to say.

Hi Jin,

Just wanted to know if you've got any lyrics done? Even if its not everything, it would be good to record a few parts tomorrow, even if its just a verse or two.

let me know :)

I sigh, and start to weep again. I have nothing. If i tell him i have nothing... What would he say? Would they get mad? I'm too stressed to do anything right now, its too much.

I reply to the email, simply stating

I'm still working on the lyrics, so maybe not tomorrow. maybe the day after.

I send it away, and don't dare to look at my emails again. 

--------

Tomorrow came way too quick, and I make my way to the studio straight away. I have to get something down today. Just something. But of course, as if i couldn't get any more stressed.

I open up the file, only for the document to be completely blank. The whole rant that i wrote yesterday that could have been useful, gone. Those two shitty lines i wrote. Gone. So i guess i have to start all the way from the beginning again.

I pull on my hair with frustration and growl with anger. Nothing is going right. Its like the world doesn't want me to write this song at all. I open my emails and see a reply from the producer.

well, I hope you can get it done soon, cause if we don't record soon it won't be done in time for festa.

I just felt the passive agressive tone through the screen. I need to get something done, or the producers will get properly mad at me. I desperately text namjoon for help, but the text i receive in reply only makes me feel even more terrible.

Not if you're gonna kick me out again i wont.

I sigh, resting my head in my hands. What am i going to do? I'm screwed.

"y'know what im done. I can't do this anymore. I'm done." I mumble to myself, getting up and walking out of the room. I left everything there, computer still on, didn't even close the door. Just up and left. I walk through the streets, feeling my heart pounding and my brain whizzing, and i hope that no passers-by notice the tears building in my eyes as i wonder aimlessly. 

I end up wondering back to the dorm, and i bang desperately on the door as i can feel my heartbeat getting faster and harder by the second. I start to panic. like properly panic. I feel like im going to die. The song isn't even on my mind anymore. The only thing on my mind is that im going to die.

That impending sense of doom that looms over me, has me gasping for air and banging on the door desperately. Yoongi stayed at home to work today, since he wasn't feeling great and didn't want to go in. I know hes home. I need him to hear me. I bang on the door harder, starting to yell his name. He opens the door with a confused and worried look on his face.

"Jin?" I barge straight past him, and start pacing up and down the living room, grabbing at my hair. I'm going to die. I seriously think im going to die right now. Every time i try to breath in my throat constricts and won't let anything in, and i feel like im definitely not getting enough oxygen in right now. I can only sob with one hand on my neck and one on my chest as i shakily pace back and forth. 

I don't even hear yoongi trying to call my name. All I can hear are my strained breaths and my brain screaming "im dying". My vision starts to tunnel from a mix of lack of oxygen and panic. I start to mumble out loud. "im dying. I can't breathe. Im dying."

"Jin!" I finally hear yoongi, who's practically shouting now so i can hear him. "You have to listen to me ok?" His voice sounds muffled and distorted, but i can comprehend the words, so i nod, but still sobbing and wheezing.

"Listen to me. Count to 10. with me." He says. The last thing i need right now is to count to 10. Hows that going to stop me from dying? I'm gonna die right here right now just cause yoongis making me count to 10.

"I'm dying!" I shriek, trying to communicate my thoughts.

"You're not dying, Jin. i promise." His voice is far too calm right now. I'm dying and he sounds calm about it. Does he want me to die? "You're not dying, you're having a panic attack. You're ok, i promise. Now count to 10 with me, ok? 1..."

Is counting to ten really going to help right now?

"1."

"Ok good. 2..."

"2." I still feel like im dying. Its not working.

"great. 3."

"3." at this point i can't help but go along with it and count with him.

"good. 4." 

"4." wait, i can breathe now. I gasp in as i realise i can actually take a full breath.

"Yes, thats it. 5."

"5." My tunnelled vision is being replaces with twinkling dots.

"Great, keep going. 6."

"6." My limbs feel tingly as feeling starts to come back in them. I never even realised it was gone.

"You're going great jin. 7."

"7." 7. My favourite number.

"8."

"8." i feel his hands holding onto mine. I don't ever remember him taking my hands.

"9."

"9." I can feel my chest expanding with each breath. My heart is still pounding, but its slowing down.

"10."

"10." I'm alive. I'm alive.

"Good. better?" I never realised how soft and soothing yoongis voice is. I feel a burst of warm fuzzy comfort deep in my chest. I nod.

"You're not dying. You're ok. You were just having a panic attack, ok?" I nod again. "Cmon, come sit down. Your legs are shaking."

He leads me to the couch and i sit down, my eyes darting around to take in my familiar surroundings. Yoongi starts gently pressing his nails into my hands and my arms, not hard enough to hurt me or anything, just enough to ground me and pull me back to earth. He sits there wordlessly, continuing to rub my arms and massage my fingers to ground me as i feel my heart rate coming back down. 

"Do you want anything? I could make you some warm tea or something." Yoongi says, keeping his voice down and soft. I nod, starting to wipe away the wetness off my cheeks. "Just sit tight here for a bit, i promise im not going anywhere ok? I'll just be in the kitchen if you need me. I'll only be a few minutes."

Yoongi is never the soft type. The fact that he's helping me like this is crazy. Whats even crazier is how good at it he is. Usually he'd act shy, but right now he doesn't seem to care. How is he so good at it? How does he seem to know exactly what to do to help me calm down?

He comes back just a few minutes later with a nice steaming mug of tea. He sets it down on the table in front of me and sits down next to me. He reaches up and starts massaging the back of my neck, and i can feel him looking at me with a worried look in his eyes, one he doesn't get very often. 

"Is there something going on that made you have a panic attack? you don't have to talk about it if you don't want to just-... it seems kinda sudden." I just shrug. I don't really know if i want to get into it right now.

"Just stressed i guess." I mumble, carefully picking up the mug and holding it in my hands, the warmth on my hands helping to ground me even more. I gently blow, watching the liquid ripple. 

"did you walk all the way here?" Yoongi asks. I nod. "What about all your stuff? Is it still there?" I nod again.

"How about this, i'll drive you back there in a bit once you've fully calmed down and we can get your stuff and then you can come back here and just chill for the rest of today. I don't think you should really be going back to working any time today." Yoongi suggests. I nod, and he gives me a gentle pat. "I'm just gonna go save what i was going and i'll be right back ok?" 

I'm left alone again, staring at nothing. I take a sip of the nice warm tea, and feel the warmth as it travels down to my stomach, warming me up from the inside. Its nice. I finally feel calm. Yoongi comes back, wrapping an arm around my shoulders. I look over at him, and we both communicate with our eyes. Next thing i know we're embracing each other in a nice hug. Not too tight, just comforting. 

"I know what it's like, hyung. Panic attacks suck. Take your time to get better again. And if it ever happens again, you can come to me and i'll always help you, yeah?" Yoongi says, rubbing my back gently. I nod against his shoulder.

-----------------------

In the end, Yoongi told the others about my panic attack. We spend the next few days off of working, and namjoon and the other producers apologised to me, though the shouldn't have. Its not their fault at all. After a small break, we got the lyrics done pretty quickly and i recorded it, and now its out to army, and they seem to love it so far. 

I'm much happier now, and i haven't had any other panic attacks since. At least if i do, i know who i can go to. 

Ok i think thats it. I can't think of a better ending rn lmao. Thanks for reading, i hope y'all are having a good day. I don't have much to say lmao. I hope you enjoyed this chapter.

I don't know if i'll get less active on here once i go to uni cause i don't know how busy i'll be, but if i update less frequently, that'll be why. If you wonder where i disappear off to hehe. Other than that, i have nothing to say. Not that i can think of anyway.

Have a good morning/afternoon/evening, and i hope you enjoyed!

see ya in the next one!

안녕!!!!!!👋🏻