"How do you do it?"

"Do what?"

"How do you pretend to be happy when you're not?"

"Who says I pretend to be happy?" Suga raises an eyebrow at you, a small smirk forming on his lips.

You sigh while sitting across from him on Jin's bed. He sits on his own bed with his legs comfortably crossed, elbows resting on his knees.

"We all have a mask on -- it's part of being an idol. I'm asking you because... you deal with depression, so how do you do it?" You ask, careful not to seem too aggressive. This was a touchy subject that needed to be handled with caution.

"How do I deal with depression?" He chuckles slightly while rubbing the unique material of his pant pajamas between his fingers.

"How do you pretend it's dealt with?" Your eyes roam the room as you think. "How do you... how can you smile for cameras or smile around your friends when you don't feel like it? How can someone act like they're happy and OK with their life when they're not? It's all a lie."

Your heartbeat increases as these unspoken worries and feelings are now released into the space. You hated talking about what you felt, especially the bad feelings. But you needed help. You couldn't hold it in anymore. You couldn't pretend to be happy.

Suga looks at you with a blank stare, his mouth hung open. "Is that how you feel?"

You nod, feeling your eyes begin to water.

"You're not happy with life?"

"I want it to be better... Don't get me wrong. I'm thankful for BTS and the success from it. I just feel like I should be doing more," you confess while looking down at your lap.

"Mm. I understand that. I've felt sort of trapped in the cycle, too. When you're doing something over and over but the excitement is gone. Like with writing... sometimes I'm inspired but sometimes I don't have the energy or... creativity to write."

"Yeah... but it's more life in general. What's the point?"

"What's the point of life? Ha, beats me." He chuckles and shakes out his hair. "Life can be pretty pointless, especially in this society. However, life can be pretty special too."

You frown while the two of you sit in short silence.

"I guess I'm just waiting for it to be special again. I wanna do something different, something that makes me truly happy and not what others want me to do," you speak up.

"That's good. Do you know what you wanna do? Do you know what makes you happy?" Suga looks at you with sleepy eyes, and you suddenly feel bad about coming to him at this late hour.

"Writing. And stage production h-has become a real interest lately. There's...  there's so much I wanna do, but I feel trapped."

"Trapped how? You can do anything you want."

"Can I?" You deadpan. "Sure, we have more freedoms with our career than most idols in Korea, but we're still controlled. Our image, our everything is controlled. I wanna do something different and make my mark, but I can't--"

"Don't say that. You can do anything you want as long as you work hard and have goals." Suga's voice gets more firm and you know hit the wrong chord. "Don't say you can't do this or that -- that's a wack, overrated excuse for people who don't wanna do the work. Milo-ssi, you're better than that. You have to give yourself permission to give yourself a chance. Huh? You-- All of us were handed a gift. We were brought together, I see it, to make change not only in kpop but globally. It could've been anyone else, but we were chosen."

You nod respectfully and continue listening to his wise words.

"Now, I've realized that. So, I stepped up to the challenge and proved all the naysayers wrong. I released a mixtape, I proved that I could sing and dance and still be considered a legit rapper. I never gave up, because I had goals and I made it my mission, with the help of managers, bang pd, and BTS, to do what made me happy regardless of the obstacles."

You nod and exhale, feeling the weight of his speech. Acknowledging this, Suga changes tactics. His voice lowers into a sweeter tone as he lays back on his bed, making himself more comfortable with his hands resting on his stomach. You wanted to giggle at how cute he looked in his BT21 Shooky pajamas but you avoided it.

"Milo-ssi, I'm not trying to tell you that you shouldn't feel the way you do. And I know when you're feeling lost and unmotivated, it can be hard to crawl out of that space. Also, I'm glad you told me how you felt; I know we both hate it, but it's helpful in the end. But what I will say... and it'll be the end: do what makes you happy. Whatever that is. Maybe you feel like running away and never coming back -- do that. Do what makes you happy, even if it's risky. Even if you're scared. I will guarantee you'd rather wanna die doing what you're passionate about than die living someone else's life."

You chuckle at his uniquely worded advice, playing each sentence over in your head. Suddenly, you take the crinkled paper from your Adidas jacket and skim over the words.

"What's that?" Suga asks.

"I-I wrote what I was feeling the other day... you just gave me an idea. It could be song lyrics," you say with a small glimmer of hope in your eyes.

"Yeah? Lemme see."

You get off the bed to hand over your crinkled paper full of writing. Suga runs his fingers through his brown hair while reading it.

--

What's the point of life if it comes with all this darkness? I'm not happy, but I want to be. I hate being relied on because it's just more pressure to mess things up. I don't wanna mess things up. Especially not for other people... so don't rely on me. Don't look to me for happiness because there's none there. I'm trying to find mine through various means. I've been pushing things and people away.. for my own sake. Just give me time. I know it seems like I have my shit together but I don't. Everything is a lie. Everything is so temporary. Everything doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. You try to control things "for the best" but it just makes things worse. I'm not how I used to be... It's a new day. I can't smile in your face anymore because YOU want me to. I can't give you the fake praise you want because it's not in me. I can't sit back and be quiet and submissive.

--

"I could see lyrics out of this. It's already somewhat poetic." Suga hands you back your paper and you grin.

"Yeah..."

"And if you want help with developing it, I wouldn't mind."

You smile now, embarrassment filling your cheeks. "Okay."

"I charge $50 upfront. N-No refunds," he says while trying to be funny.

You laugh. "Hahaaaaa!! You thought. I'll do it myself then." You get up from the bed and slip your bare feet into some slippers.

"How about this. Since you're a rookie and this is your first song, I'll give you Suga's jjang jjang man boong boong discount, huh? Uh, uh,... No cost!" He claps his hands and you laugh even more.

"Wow. Thank you. How- How thoughtful." You reply sarcastically.

"Ah, don't mention it," he exhales.

"Haha. Shut up! Byeeee!" You wave while leaving his room.

"Uh-huh. Turn off the light."