'It is basic human instinct to seek for protection, a safe place to be free and let go of the walls we built around ourselves.

The brain has this great capacity to remember all the emotions we went through, sending signals to our body when something is threatening the fragile balance of our well-being. Our brain tells us not to do it as we already went through these negative emotions, keeping us from falling in the same trap as we once did.

Yet sometimes, falling in that same trap of emotions is the only way out. Or at least, it is the best decision, even if it hurts like hell, the outcome is what will ensure your protection.

I need protection against my own self. More precisely, against my own emotions. When you have to run away from your own damaged protection just to seek for a better one, it's mainly for your sanity.

Leaving a safe place is hard, especially when we don't know when we'll find a new one and to what extent it will be safe for us. We like our routine, the people in it and the fact that we know it'll be there as it is a constant in our lives.

But it is not bad to be a little selfish sometimes and break that constant. There are times when self preservation is too important to even consider the impact of our decision on the others' lives. We need to protect ourselves, to heal before we can offer support and protection to others. How can a damaged umbrella help someone stay dry?'

My hands are playing the keys and I am carried away in another world. Each note is a word that only I can understand, music is a story to my ears. I close my eyes and let the sounds overwhelm me, let my emotions take control of my hands. The only things I can still hear are the melodious notes escaping the piano, and my heart beating slowly, accompanying my music. My hands withdraw from the keys, leaving the notes hanging in the air in an unfinished melody.

"This was beautiful," Nathan says, looking at me tenderly as he pushes a strand of hair behind my ear. "Why did you stop ?"

"I think I found a better occupation," I answer and kiss him gently.

"You're right", he says in a breath and close again the gap between our mouth. "Although... I love when... you play... I love this... even more," he tells me between kisses.

He pulls back, his eyes pouring into mine with so much intensity I cannot look away. He trails his fingers on my mouth and I shiver at his touch. I kiss him back, abandoning myself in his arms. I can feel the tears sliding on my cheeks, I pull away to wipe them off discreetly but there is nothing to wipe. I look up at Nathan and notice that the tears are actually on his cheeks, pouring down so fast that they fall on his lap, creating a dark patch on his blue jeans.

I woke up with start, breathing heavily. This time, the tears are really coming out of my eyes, trailing down slowly. It was just a dream. A wonderfully realistic dream. I don't bother wiping the tears away and turn over in my bed, closing my eyes tightly as I try to go back to sleep. I want to go back to him. If only it worked that way, I'd be sleeping all day. I open my eyes and stare out the window, trying to remember every detail of my dream but it's quickly fading away.

I push the blanket and get up, my bare feet touching the cold wooden floor and bringing my back to reality. I left him.Yet, a month after I took this decision, it still hurts like hell. I stand up and go to the bathroom, hoping a hot shower will erase the feeling of upcoming tears. I take my time, washing and shaving, enjoying the warm water on my tensed shoulders. The knock on the bathroom door breaks off this relaxing sensation.

"I put the gown and cap on your bed," shouted my mother through the door, "Nina said that she and Aaron will come to pick you up in an hour."

Wait, what? I turn off the shower quickly and push back the curtain to let my head out."What? What did she tell you?" I ask my mom, my heart racing a little.

Today is graduation day and I know this is the last time I will see Nathan. I have actually not seen him since the day we broke up, he is very good at this "let's not keep contact" thing. Even at school, I actually thought he was no longer attending until I caught a glimpse of him coming out of the cafeteria. He is definitely avoiding me, I can't blame him, I would avoid myself if I could.

"Nothing, she said she texted you," my mother replies, and I hear her footsteps as she walks away.I quickly rinse off the remnants of conditioner in my hair and get out the shower. I just take the time to wrap a towel around me and go back to my bedroom, leaving drops of water everywhere on my way there. Surely, there is one unread text from Nina.

Nina: Hey, Aaron and I thought it would be nice to have lunch together since you are not coming to the party tonight. You know, just to celebrate :)

My mind starts making those hundreds of films and in almost each on them Nathan as the lead role. Will he be there? I don't want to go anymore. I want to see him but only in my dreams, it's easier that way. I throw my phone on my bed, ignoring Nina's text and head for my wardrobe. Once I'm fully dressed, I proceed to blow out my hair and apply my makeup, keeping it simple.

Forty-five minutes have gone by and I'm sitting on the last step of the stairs, forgetting with the hem of my shirt. I'm so anxious, I think I could throw up if another stressful event were to add up. I already have the graduation day to stress me out, I'm so scared I will fall on the stage or mess it up somehow, I wish I could get a pass on that. But my parents insisted on going with me so there is no way I can skip it. They want to spend every minute with me before I leave tomorrow.

I told them about my plan of going abroad on a humanitarian trip three weeks ago. Surprisingly, my dad was the most reluctant to this idea. Just mentioning the idea of leaving brought tears to his eyes. I understand it will be hard for them, they already lost one daughter, they can't survive the loss of another. But I will come back, they are not losing me. We agreed on a three-months trip to begin with, just so we can all adjust to the situation and I can come home for a couple of weeks. And then, if I liked the experience, they'll leave me to decide whether I want to go on another one or not.

My mom helped me find my first humanitarian trip and I'm leaving tomorrow morning for Cambodia. I'm anxious and excited at the same time about stepping out of my comfort zone. But I can already tell this experience is going to be epic.The only missing thing in this great perspective of my future is Nathan. The news of our breakup shocked everyone. My parents, who made it a point at the beginning of our relationship to change my mind about him, were almost as heartbroken as I was. Although they actually really liked him in the end, they were probably sadder about me crying all day long than over Nathan no longer being part of our lives.

Nina and Aaron were a different story. I avoided both of them for a few days after the breakup, but when Nina came one evening and banged on my front door, saying that she would stay all night long knocking if she had to, I had no other choice but to let her in. The puffy red-eyed look I gave her when I open the door was enough for her to pull me into a hug. She insisted that she was not here to know what happened in details, but just to make sure I was okay. She also made it clear that she would not pick sides as none of this was her business, which I appreciated greatly.

Aaron on the other side was more reluctant to speak to me after that. Although I'm sure Nathan did not present me as the bad guy when he told his best friend about us, Aaron being who he is decided that I was because I broke Nathan's heart. But after a few days, he saw that I broke mine too and slowly put down his walls again.All of them thought it was just a phase and that we would be back together quickly. But as the weeks went by, they understood it was final. And I tried to adjust to this new norm, this new reality of mine.

* * *

I don't like what the relationship between Aaron, Nina, and I have become. I feel like they are constantly walking on eggs around me, trying so hard not to say things that could hurt me, trying so hard not to mention Nathan. If I did not know what Nathan was dealing with right now, I would suspect he has found someone new.When we exit the restaurant, Nina walks ahead to the car that is parked a couple streets away and Aaron adjusts to my pace, clearing his throat. He doesn't say anything though, but I can tell he wants to. I can feel him being a bit more tense than usual, but when he clears his throat for the second time but fail to say a word, I roll my eyes and stop in my track.

"Say it," I blandly tell him, crossing my arms over my chest.

Aaron stops to face me, his cheeks turning in a subtle shade of red. He runs a hand throw his short blond hair, looking anywhere but at me. He takes a couple steps in my direction, stopping right in front of me. When he looks up, I can see the embarrassment in his eyes.

"Look, I know it's none of my business, but-" he starts, dragging his breath as he pauses before continuing.

"Yeah, you're not starting off well," I interrupt him, already regretting asking what was in the tip of his tongue.

A nervous laugh escapes his lips and he looks up from the ground. "Hm- Well, I'm just going to say it: Nathan wants you to pretend you're still together in front of Liam, just for the time of the graduation ceremony."

I choke on my own saliva as a nervous laugh passes my lips. "Yeah, not funny," I say dryly and resume walking but Aaron extends his arm to block my way.

"I'm not joking, Jade. Nathan is so scared you're going to refuse to do this he just thought he would spring the scenario on you the minute you walk out of the car," he says, his lips pressed together in a thin line.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. My brain is not responding anymore but my heart is beating so fast, I'm going to die from a heart attack at 18 years old.

"I can't do this. Why are you the one telling me this? Why didn't he call me before? This is fuck up! Why can't he just tell his family the truth?" I run a hand through my hair and pull slightly at the roots. I take a step back, trying to force air back into my lungs.

Aaron eyes me carefully, shaking his head slightly. "I was not supposed to tell you. I told him it was not a good idea," he says as he steps closer and put both of his hands on my shoulder so that I'm facing him. "But I get why he does that. Liam loves you like a sister, you guys spent so much time together. Nathan wants to protect him from the reality of this world like he does with everyone he loves."

My heart squeezes as I nod. I know this side of him too well. And he is right, I would have said no. But now... How can I pretend we are still together for a couple of hours and then go back to a life without him?

"Are you ready to go?" Aaron asks as he checked the time in his phone and I nod again, trying to prepare myself to be as detached from the situation as I possibly can.

The drive to our highschool is quiet, Aaron is driving and Nina sitting next to him, scrolling on her phone. The radio is playing but the sound is barely reaching my ears. I'm sitting at the back behind Aaron, my hands gripping my knees. I can feel Aaron's gaze on me as he looks through the rearview. Unfortunately, the drive is way too fast for me to process what is going to happen and we are walking in direction of the auditorium within ten minutes.

That's when I see him, leaning against the wall next to the entrance, waiting for me. He is wearing the dark blue graduation gown, holding the cap in his hand. Even in this hideous clothing, he looks handsome. He looks just like the last time I saw him, the night we broke up. He still as that same exhausted look, his hair as grown a bit and the stubble on his face makes him look five years older.

When he sees me, he pushes off the wall and starts walking toward us, a small smile, almost apologetic, on his face. Aaron looks at me just as Nina stops beside me, a shocked expression on her face. I reckon she doesn't know about Nathan's plan. Aaron grabs her arm and starts to drag her toward the auditorium's entrance, not leaving her enough time to say a word.

"Hey," says Nathan when he finally reaches me, leaving a respectable distance between us. It's weird seeing and hearing him for the first time in a month. It feels surreal. He is so close yet so far away, I want to close the distance between us and wrap my arms around him. But I contain myself, I'm the one who took the decision, for god's sake, woman control yourself.

"Can I -hm- can I talk to you for a minute?" he shyly asks and I simply nod as I can feel my throat being so tight no sound will come out of it.

Nathan leads me to the side of the building, under the trees near the sports field. We sit on the bench, still keeping that distance between us.

"You look great," he says, his eyes trailing on my face to land on my mouth.I clear my throat, forcing myself to not get affected by this situation.

"You too," I reply and a crooked smile appears on his lips as a looks down at his hands.

We both know this is a lie. He has lost even more weight, the bags under his eyes being even more important. Yet, I would still without a doubt call him beautiful, no matter how he looks he will always be it to me.

"I have something to ask you. And I know this is a lot so don't feel bad if you refuse, I would totally understand. My mother and Liam are here for the graduation, and although my mom knows we are no longer together, I could not find the strength to tell Liam.I don't know if you remember, but when you first met him at your birthday dinner at home, Liam and I had that silent conversation I did not voice. I did not want you to know back then, I still don't but I have to tell you so you understand," Nathan says, fidgeting with his gown.

He looks so nervous, I want to take his hands in mine. But I stay still, concentrating on keeping my features neutral and my breathing steady.

"He asked me if you were my girlfriend. We were not at that moment, so I just told him no but I also told him that I was hoping it would go that way. Then, he asked me if love was like what we saw in the movies," Nathan smiles softly as he reminisces about that moment. "I told him it was even better because it was real. Since that day, I can almost see stars in his eyes when he looks at us, and I don't have it in me to shatter this beautiful image he has of love, I want him to believe in magic a bit longer."

I can feel my eyes tingling and a single tear slides down my cheek. Nathan reaches up and wipes it, removing his hand as soon as he realises what he just did.

"Sorry, it's just-" he starts but I cut him off

."A habit," I finish his sentence and he nods. "I'll do it," I say, getting up from the bench. I know that I'm accepting for a selfish reason. I desperately want to have him next to me one last time before I finally leave it all behind.

"Are you sure? I don't want you to feel forced or anything. And I don't want for this to, you know, be too hard for you," he says, looking away as he stands up. "Not that I think you're not able to handle it, maybe you've moved on already, I just-" Nathan stops with a sigh as his head drops between his shoulders.

"It's okay, yes it'll be hard because no, I have not moved on. But it's okay. Can you handle it?" I ask him, looking up to meet his stare.

"To be honest I don't know, but I'm doing this for Liam," he says with confidence and I nod with a small smile.

"Then let's do it and we'll deal with the consequences later," I tell him and grab his hand, pulling him toward the gymnasium.

The feeling of our skin touching brings back all the memories of the past months we spent together. I almost want to cry at the thought of letting him go again. But I have to remind my self that I didn't get him back, it is just a lie in which I'll both take part for a couple of hours.

When we enter the gymnasium, I look around to see if my parents are already there, and surely, they are sitting on the fifth row, waiting for the ceremony to begin. I also see Nathan's mother and Liam, on the fourth row. When I catch his mother's eyes, I immediately look away, too ashamed of the situation. She must hate me, I broke up with her son while he was at his lowest. Seeing things from another point of view than mine, I'm a bitch. But I like to think I did it for him, and selfishly, for me too.Nathan leads me to my seat and hesitantly means toward me, kissing me on the cheek. My whole body stiffens, a very different reaction than what I felt a month ago. Nathan awkwardly pulls away and without another look, go seat about twenty seats away from me. The letter L not being that far away from the letter P, I can see him throughout the whole ceremony as I just have to lean forward a bit. It takes everything in me to not even glance at him.

When my name is called, I walk on the stage, focusing on each step to make sure I don't fall. I take my diploma, quickly thank the Principal, and almost run off the stage, not without glancing at my parents who are both cheering. When I glanced away from them, I caught a glimpse of Nathan standing up and looking at me proudly.

"Honey, we're so proud of you!" My father says when we meet again once the ceremony is over.

"Thank you," I reply, taking both my parents in for a hug.

"I did this for Hashley too," I whisper in their ear and they both hug me tighter.

When we pull away, Nathan waves at me, and I excuse myself before walking up to him. His mom is there too, she greets me as she used to do, but I can see she is slightly colder, which I totally understand. Liam, on the other side, is really excited to see me. He hugs me tightly and signs so fast, Nathan has to stop him so that he can voice it for me.

"He said that he missed you and that he wishes you would come home more often. He also misses your piano classes," Nathan says with a smile, taking my hand with more ease this time.

"I missed you too, Liam," I tell him and he gives me a wide smile.

"You know, I told you that with college, you won't be able to see her much but I'm sure we'll find a way to visit her, right Mom?" Nathan says as he signs, avoiding my eyes and looking at his mother.

"Of course," she replies, squatting so that she is at eye level for Liam. "And I'll pay for piano lessons if you want baby."

"No, I'll wait for Jade to come back from college, she's the best teacher!" Nathan voices as Liam signs.

Nathan and his mother exchange a glance that I pretend not to notice and we continue talking as if nothing happened and Nathan and I were still two teenagers in love.

By behaving like a couple, Nathan and I got some strange look from people who saw we were no longer together, including Nina, who's mouth almost touch the ground when she noticed Nathan's arm around my waist. I know I'm in for a long interrogation before I leave.

After an hour of talking and congratulations with Nathan by my side, I part from him. It's weird how old habits die hard. It almost felt like it was real, with his hand on my waist, his occasional kiss on the side of my head, me leaning on him tenderly. I think we both got lost in our game. This white lie is going to make much more harm than expected.

Nathan insists on walking me to my parents' car. We stop at the corner of the gymnasium, with the car already on a few feet behind me. It's quiet for a few seconds, both of us finally coming back to reality, that this was all but the truth.

"I really want to kiss you," he says, staring at my mouth.

It sends a shiver down my spine. For a second, I contemplate the idea of giving in. But for his sake, and for mine, I can't. More seconds pass as we stand there, not knowing how to say goodbye for the second time. When I finally make the move, I can see him hold his breath as our eyes meet for the last time.

"Goodbye Nathan," somehow, this second goodbye felt more final and devastating than the first one, about a month ago. Maybe we'll keep in touch, maybe we'll never talk again. Maybe we'll grow apart, maybe we'll grow closer. Either way, we'll grow. And I've never felt that good with myself as I do what is right for both of us.

* * *

The sun is rising slowly, surrounded by the red sky and the orange clouds. It's the second time I see the sun rising, the show is breathtaking. The first time was when Hashley and I were ten, we were about to board on our plane, leaving London to start a new life in Miami with our family. Hashley and I were sad to leave, and she started to cry because she didn't want to leave her friends.

Mom told us to look out the window and watch how beautiful nature was, and that wherever you go, the sun will always rise, even if you thought your life was so sad it shouldn't have this kind of beauty in it anymore, the sun is here to remind us that it does. I remember us being amazed by the beauty of the scene, our eyes open wide to make sure we would not miss a thing as our mind forgot the sadness. Those words have a whole new meaning now. As I watch the scene from the airport lounge, I smile at the memory of baby Hashley almost pressing her face on the window, her palms resting on either side of her face in complete admiration.

I'm ready to see the sun rise in another part of the world. I'm ready to leave my sadness here and embrace a new form of happiness somewhere else. I'm happy with my choices, with the turn my life took after the unexpected loss of my sister. I am ready to finally live this new scenario.

Life doesn't have happy endings. Life goes on, you don't always get to spend the rest of your life with your first love. Nathan was my first love, and he won't be my only one and probably not my last one. I won't have a romantic slow run or someone calling out my name to stop me from boarding on that plane and a happy ever after like in the movies. And I'm fine with that, as long as I get to live a life with no regrets.

I chose me. I chose to work on myself to get better.

~

Hi!

I know it has been a while, I'm sorry you had to wait for such a long time.

This chapter is the last one before the epilogue, which will be published on Sunday.

So what do you think about this end? Upset? Satisfied? Sad? Don't care?
(I hope it's not the latter because it would mean I failed as a writer).

I hope you are all safe and careful.

XXX
Mora