'We get more than one chance in our life. But we all screw things up at some point. One tiny mistake and it's over, we lose the right to try again.

We nedd chances simply because we are humans. We deserve another try because no one gets it perfectly on the first shot. We need a second chance, a third, a hundredth.

But at some point, there are no more chances. We had them and now it's gone. How are we supposed to get better and improve ourselves if we don't have at least one more? This is an endless circle of hope and failure, as we aim for the perfect shot, full of hope, but fail miserably. Again and again. Sometimes the circle breaks as we succeed but we always fall back in a new one. That is why we have to set boundaries. To preserve us from the pain failure brings.

When you're the one in need of another chance, all you can do is pray you didn't just waste your last one. This is not up to you and when you reach that one last chance and miss it, all you are left with is regret, one of the worst feeling ever.'

Breathe in. Breathe out.

It didn't happen again.

Breathe in. Breathe out.

This is in your head.

Breathe in. Breathe out.

Stop torturing yourself

Breathe in. Breathe out.

You are fine.

"Jade, are you alright?" I hear someone say but I can't decipher who it is.

My head is spinning, I can't even tell if I'm sitting or still lying in my bed.

Breathe in. Breathe out.

You managed to stop your crisis before, you can do one more.

"Jade!" Someone yells.

Breathe in. Breathe out.

End this.

My hands are covering my ears as I'm rocking back and forth with my eyes shut tight. I'm gasping for air between my sobs, trying to get the images out of my head for the hundredth time. Hell, for the millionth time.

"Stop it!" my mother yells as she grabs both my hand and my casted arm to bring me face to face with her.

I stop. I stare right into her eyes full of tears, trying to gather myself. Her hands have let go of my arms to rest on my cheeks, forcing me to look at her.

"I didn't mean to yell, I-I didn't know what to do... I thought you were not having nightmares anymore," she whispers, her voice barely audible.

"I'm fine, Mom. I haven't had one in a long time," I lie as I look away, pushing her hands away from my cheeks.

Lying to her hurts me much more than I thought it would, but I'd rather endure this pain than put her through it by telling her I can't seem to get better. She doesn't need that.

I move the bed sheets away from me and attempt to stand up. But my legs are too shaky for me to stand. My mother grabs my arm before I fall and help me to sit back on my bed. I don't want to look at her, I can't see the tears in her eyes, especially when I try to control my own.

"Don't shut me out," she tells me as she takes my hand. "Let me be here for you."

I could almost laugh. Almost. I love my parents but I don't approve what they do. You can't just lose one daughter and act as if you had lost both. This is not fair.

I have this anger inside of me but at the same time, I don't want to add to my parent's sadness. What's best for all of us is that I keep my mouth shut and we deal with our own problems since that's how they want to do.

"I need water," I mumble and head for the bathroom, locking the door behind me.

I sit on the toilet and try to recollect myself. I have never had a crisis as important as this one. I usually manage to calm myself or at least remain quiet enough for my parents to not hear me. But this time, I didn't feel the familiar dizziness creeping up on me as my breath quickens.

"Jade, open the door," my mother says as she knocks on the bathroom door.

"Give me a minute," I answer and turn the faucet on.

I splash cold water on my face and grab the towel next to me. I take my time to wipe every drop of water on my face, wasting as much time as I can before I open the door. I'm not in the mood for a lecture on how I should talk about my problems instead of keeping everything to myself. I'm certainly not the only person the lecture would benefit though.

"I know this is hard. But don't shut me out when I want to help you," I hear her say through the door.

I take a deep breath and swing the door open. My eyes take some time to adjust to the darkness of the corridor. I notice my mother sitting crossed-leg in front of my bedroom door.

"Mom, I don't want to do this now," I sigh as I sit next to her. "Can't we just sit here in silence and pretend our lives aren't messes-up?"

"Honey, I know you don't want to talk but I love you and you don't know how hard it is for me to see you like this," her voice quivers on the last words and she takes my hands in hers.

As much as I want to take her in my arms and comfort her, I can't. My heart wants to but my mind refuses to comply, reminding me of all the times I needed comfort and was left alone with nothing but hurtful memories.

"Don't act like you care, it will both spare us time," I take my hand back from hers out of anger, but I immediately regret saying those words.

I'm mad at her but she didn't deserve this. We are both closed off in our own hurt and despair. We only see our own sadness and we try to deal with it the best way we can. Today, it's both of us but it hasn't always been the case. I used to be the one reaching out to help her, caring more for her pain than mine. I wanted to take her's and my father's away so much I forgot to deal with mine. That's probably why I'm like this today, building upon my emotions until it all blows up, certainly not my smartest move.

"Jade..." she says but doesn't go on.

I'm tired of the situation we live in.

"I am here, alone, while you and Dad are a thousand miles away. I barely see you once a week but I guess that's what you both wanted, right?" I ask her, my voice sharper than I intended.

"It's not like this," she sighs, her head falling back on the door.

"Yes, it is Mom. And you know it. We moved here after Hashley's death because you asked for a transfer. Dad got a job in the same company and you both took the first flight you could find. I was left alone barely a month after I lost my twin sister," I add but she already knows that.

"It's not that simple. We all suffered. We still do. And we all have different ways to cope with the pain. Your father and I needed time," she explains and I shake my head. When will she understand?

"You forgot to include me in the equation. I needed time too, but with my parents. And I didn't realize until now that I didn't only lose Hashley, I lost my whole family," I say and I can feel her shiver next to me.

"No, we are here for you. We have always been and we will always be. Never doubt that," she states, her voice firm as she tries to contain herself.

"No, you're not. You knew about the nightmares but did you know I have panic attacks?" I ask and I can feel her shift towards me.

"What? No I-," she answers, confusion in her voice.

"Yeah, that's what I thought. You actually saw me having one tonight, that wasn't a nightmare," I nod, fidgeting with the hem of my t-shirt.

I'm glad the corridor is dark enough I can't see the expression on her face. I don't want to feel any more guilt than I do right now.

"Why didn't you tell us?" She asks.

"When was I supposed to? When you got home at one in the morning just to leave again while I was in school? Or over the phone when you are in South Africa? Maybe I should have made an appointment with you, call your assistant and find a two-minute spot between all your meetings," I retort, my anger rising up.

I've been keeping it for so long it feels wrong to let it out. As if I was letting go of a piece of myself.

"Don't put the blame on us, you could have told us anytime," she sighs again.

"Maybe but what's the point? You would have dealt with it just like you've dealt with my nightmares. You would have ignored it. Not once you asked me what they were about when all I needed was to talk about them," I tell her, my voice rising even though I try to contain myself as much as I can.

"I would have never done that," she almost whispers, taking my hand in hers, resting both of them on her thigh. "Each time you have a nightmare and I'm home, I come and listen behind your bedroom door, ready to help you if you need me."

"But I do need you! Just because I learned how to calm myself down doesn't mean I'm fine, Mom. Why did you never turn the bloody doorknob?" I insist.

I want her to finally say it. I want her to confirm my assumptions, to tell me what I've thought about for so long but never had the courage to ask her.

"Honey, I'm sorry, I wanted to," she sighs out of frustration. "It's just so hard."

"I know, Mom, you keep telling me this. But you never told me why it was so hard to be near me," I say, pressing her hand to encourage her.

It has to be said so we can work on it. We have some big issues with communication in this family.

"Jade, please I-" she begins but I interrupt her.

"No, Mom. I need you to say it," I tell her knowing deep down that she needs to say it as much as I need to hear it.

"Every time I look at you, I see her. I know this is unfair to you, but I can't help it. It's easier not to see you, not to see her, every day. And it's not your fault, never blame yourself for that. Your father and I we... we don't know how to deal with all of this," she says and I can hear the tears in her voice.

I stand up and extend my hand for her. Once we are both on our feet, I take her in my arms and let her cry all she needs. Hearing those words hurt so much, but I can't blame my parents. Losing a child must be the worst thing life can make you go through.

Once she has calm down, I open my bedroom door and walk inside but turn around before closing the door.

"Maybe the first thing we should do is talk about it. Do you realize we have never talked about Hashley since she left us? I need to let go of all the things inside my head because it's driving me crazy," I tell her.

She simply nods before turning on her heels and heading for her bedroom at the end of the hallway. I somehow feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders and at the same time, I want to curl up under the covers and cry all the tear I can get out of my body. This time, my heart and my mind are not at war as they let me relieve my feelings in my bed.

***

I'm woken up by the sound of my phone going off. I reach out from under the covers and feel around on my nightstand until I found my phone. I reluctantly open one eye to have a look at who is bothering me so early in the morning. Unknown. I press the red button and glance at the time: 10 a.m. Okay, not so early but still, it can wait an hour or two. I turn around, facing the other side of my room, just five more minutes and I'll get up. Maybe.

A few seconds after I refused the call, my phone rings again, indicating an incoming text. I sigh and turn towards my nightstand to retrieve my phone.

Unknown: We need to talk.

Me: Who's this?

Unknown: It's Aaron. I'll pick you up in an hour.

Hell no.

Me: Hell no.

Aaron: Reread my text. There is no question mark. Get ready.

What the hell is wrong with everyone deciding for me lately? Who does he think he is? I'm fully awake now as I dial Nathan's number. Lucky for me, he answers on the first ring.

"Hey, Beautiful," he says with a flirty tone and a whole zoo dances in my belly. I roll my eyes at how pathetic I am.

"Hey! Hm... I don't know what your friend is up to but Aaron wants to talk to me. I'm not even sure he knows how to talk without insulting me though," I say trying to sound unaffected when I'm actually freaking out. This guy scares me.

"Wait. How do you know he wants to talk to you?" Nathan asks, all flirty tone gone as his voice sounds more serious.

"He texted me two minutes ago. He even tried to call me. Did you give him my number?" I ask him.

"Did he tell you what he wanted to talk about?" Nathan asks and I can hear him shuffling around.

"No. But I'm a little scared for my life here. He hates me, I wouldn't be surprised if he tries to kill me," I say, half-joking.

"Let me grab my keys and I'll come over," Nathan tells me in all seriousness.

"No, I am joking. I can very well handle myself, Mr. Perkins. I was just calling to know if he told you about this," I try to ease his apprehension but it's quite hard when yours is threatening to drown you.

"I know you can, babe. I'm doing this for me, I don't want to have your death weighing on my conscience. And no, he didn't tell me," he says and I roll my eyes. "Stop rolling your eyes at me, remember how much you love me. I'll be there in ten," he says and hangs up before I even have a chance to retort.

I toss my phone on my bed and rush to the bathroom to get ready. I groan as soon as I see my reflection. My eyes are puffy and red from all the tears I cried last night and my hair is an unbelievable mess. If I'm quick enough, I can be out of the shower in five minutes, get dressed in three and brush my teeth in two.

I manage to do all of this in nine minutes which gives me enough time to deal with my hair. I'm almost done braiding it when Nathan knocks at the front door. I exit the bathroom and notice my parents' bedroom door is closed. Only my mother came home last night, she must still be asleep.

I run down the stairs and head for the front door. I can feel my heart pounding in my chest as I put my hand on the doorknob. It's crazy the thing Nathan can do to my heart even when I can't see him. I open the door and a wide smile spread on both of our faces.

Things almost went back to normal between us. He still hasn't told me what is this thing he is hiding from me but he swore to me it's something I shouldn't worry about. And although I want to know so I can help him, he won't tell me. We have argued more than once about this, me doubting his sincerity and him begging me to get over it. He didn't have to beg a lot though, I get the fact he is not ready to talk about some things, a few months ago I was in the exact same position. I can't be mad at him that wouldn't be fair to him.

"Hey, you," he says, his voice lower than usual. Just a look from him and I melt on the threshold.

"Hey," I say back as I grab his hand to pull him inside the house. "Give me a minute to write a note and find my purse."

Nathan leans against the doorframe in the kitchen with his arms crossed over his chest while I take a piece of paper and pick up a pen from the counter top.

'I'm with Nathan, I'll be back in a couple of hours. Love you, J.'

I stick the note on the fridge and walk around the dining table to go to the living room. I grab my purse which I had left on the sofa when I came home from my late shift at work yesterday. Ever since he entered the house, I can feel his eyes on me, enveloping me in this warm sensation and making the nape of my neck tickle.

"Are you staring at me?" I ask him, still looking into my bag to check if my wallet and sunglasses are still inside.

"Definitely," he retorts immediately.

I look up at him with a playful look and he winks at me. I love that about him. He never tries to hide his feelings or act tougher in front of his friends. He is the most genuine and honest person I know.

"Okay, we can go now," I tell him and he nods before opening the front door.

When I'm done locking the door, I turn back and go down the three front stairs. Nathan immediately reaches out to my waist, pressing me against his side as he kisses me on the top of my head.

I look up at him and that same wide smile is spread across his face and I bet I'm smiling just as wide. I feel like this is the only thing I do when he is around, I smile, I can't stop.

"You really didn't have to come, you probably have better things to do," I tell him and he takes my hand.

"I didn't come for you, well, not completely. I came for the make out part and for my conscience," he says with a grin and I roll my eyes at him. "Did Aaron sent you another text?" Nathan asks more seriously as we both make our way to his car.

"No, it's kind of freaking me out. He has shown nothing but hate towards me and I don't even know why," I reply and turn to face him.

"I know, babe," he sighs and pulls me to him. "I will not let him talk to you like that ever again."

"I know you won't," I laugh in his neck. "Last time he did you punched him in the face."

"Yeah, I can't really say I'm proud of this. But it seems like I'm not the only one with violence issues," he retorts with a laugh.

"We have at least one thing in common," I say with a smirk as I tilt my head up to look at him.

"I think that's the only thing keeping us together," he jokes and gives me a soft peck on the lips.

We stay silent, lost in each other's arms until a gray Honda parks behind Nathan's car. His body tenses as Aaron shut the door of his car and walks up to us. I let go of Nathan to face him but he keeps his arm around my shoulder.

My heart is beating so fast, I can't tell if it's because of Nathan or Aaron. I try to calm myself, I don't want Aaron to hear how scared I am when I speak to him. As weird as it is, I'm not dreading him, I'm fearing what he might tell me.

Aaron looks terrible, pretty much like Nathan did a few days ago. The bags under his eyes are so big I wonder if he has even closed his eyes for the past four days. He looks like a low budget zombie you could see in a bad horror movie, minus the blood.

"Did you ask him to come?" he asks me when he reaches us, his voice deprived of all emotions.

"Hello to you too, Aaron. No, I didn't," I tell him and he nods, his lips tight.

"I guess there is no way you are leaving?" he asks, turning his attention to Nathan.

"Not a chance," my boyfriend replies and Aaron nods again.

"Alright get in the car," he flatly says before turning and walking towards his car.

Nathan and I look at each other. We expected a little more shouting and disagreement. But Aaron seems too tired to even try to talk Nathan into leaving us alone. Or he doesn't care that much. Aaron sighs and looks at us over his shoulder.

"Whenever you are ready," he tells ironically before opening the door and sliding into the driver's seat.

We both walk up to his car and Nathan, who knows how awkward it would be if I sat in the passenger's seat, heads for it as I open the door to the back seat.

I think this is the quietest drive I've ever had. None of us has said a word since we got in the car, and except for a few glances in the rearview, Aaron hasn't shown any interest for Nathan and me. He stares at the road, his shoulders tensed as he turns into another street.

Before I can ask where we are going, Aaron stops the car and without a word, opens his door and gets out. Nathan turns around to look at me before doing the same. I'm left alone in the car which gives me enough time to put air back in my lungs because I'm suffocating. I know there is nothing good coming out of this.

As soon as I'm out of the car, Nathan puts his hand on the small of my back as we follow Aaron. His touch somehow manages to regulate the erratic beating of my heart. I was so focused on Aaron in the car I didn't notice I knew the place he took us to. I recognize the few paths leading to different directions in the park. I remember following one until I broke down under a tree, I remember Nathan finding me and managing to calm me. I'm torn between hating this park and loving it. Nathan and I had our first not-so-official date right after, this was our beginning.

The three of us walk for a couple more minutes before Aaron stops in front of a wooden bench, right across the weeping willow where another part of me died a few months ago. He takes a seat and gestures for me to do the same. I sit next to him and look at him for answers but he doesn't even glance in my direction. He is staring at the tree, leaning on his elbow with his hands clasped together, lost in his thoughts.

Nathan puts a hand on my shoulder and squeezes it before gesturing behind his shoulder.

"I'm going to give you two some privacy," he says and I nod. "I'll be right over there."

"Don't be ridiculous," Aaron scoffs and shakes his head. "If you wanted to give us privacy you wouldn't have come. You already know everything anyway."

What is there to know that I don't already? If it concerned me, I'm pretty sure Nathan would have told me by now. The anticipation is killing me, I almost want to urge Aaron to tell me what the hell is happening here because all of this is driving me crazy. I turn to Nathan to get something out of him but all he does is shrug and take a seat next to me. I sigh out of frustration, if none of them tell me what's going on in the next thirty seconds I'm leaving.

"I don't even know where to start," Aaron sighs, gripping the back of his neck.

"You're freaking me out," I tell him and I can see the ghost of a smile tugging at his lips, I have to refrain myself from slapping it off his face. When did I become so violent?

"Don't be. I just have a million questions to ask you but from what I understood you have no clue about what role I play in all of this," he says and I roll my eyes.

I'm done with their shit. It seems like he is playing some kind of game with me where I have to figure everything out by myself while he gives me small hints.

"I don't know what twisted game this is you are playing but I'm out of this. I don't know what's wrong with you but you are not bringing me into your mess," I say and begin to walk away before Nathan grabs my wrist.

"It's not a game, Jade. Listen to him, please," he tells me before gently tugging at my arm to pull me back next to him.

"I am so confused right now. Just start with the beginning of whatever you have to say," I opine and Aaron nods, his lips forming a tight line.

"I know Hannah. And I thought you knew about that until four days ago," he sighs and rubs his hands over his face.

An awkward silence grows between us and although I don't want to push him too much, he is clearly testing my patience here.

"Don't tell me you brought us here just for this," I say and Aaron shakes his head.

"I wish, but no," he retorts before taking a deep breath. "Hannah and I met two years ago when she came here with her mother during summer break. We got along really well, she's funny and sarcastic, we decided to stay in touch. We even planned on seeing each other the year after when I came to Miami for spring break and that's exactly what we did," he smiles as he reminisces what seems like great memories. "We spent every day together, she showed me the city and introduced me to some of her friends."

I don't know how to feel about the fact that Hannah never mentioned him. We are best friends, I wonder if she told Hashley.

"That was the best vacation I ever had because I got to meet an incredible girl. At least, that's what I thought first. A person who made my life so great it felt like a fucking dream. And I wish I had never woken up but reality got back at me and crashed it all," he goes on.

"So you and Hannah were in-" I begin but he cuts me off before I even get a chance to follow.

"No, not her. I love - loved - her best friend. Your sister," he almost whispers and my heart stops.