"Golden sun falls through the windows
But your smile is cold as snow,
It seems your summer on the surface
Hides a winter far below."

- E. H.

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Andrew stood in front of his sister's grave. It was a little past midnight and the night was silent and dark. The stars outside weren't shining as bright as they had been earlier that evening.

And for some reason, the night sky described his misery perfectly. Because he was miserable. He was tired, of everything. He was tired of fucking up all the time. He was tired of hurting.

He was tired of hurting people.

He was tired of hurting Anisha.

And he himself was tired of hurting. Tired of being miserable.

It had been months since he had last visited his sister. But tonight, tonight he just had to.

Because he needed to confront his past.

Because his misery was a result of his sister's actions.

Andrew blamed three people for his sister's death. His parents, his wife and most of all, himself.

But he didn't hate anyone as much as he hated himself.

Because he couldn't help but feel like he had failed. He had failed his parents. He had failed his sister. And he had failed his wife.

He had failed.

He was well-aware of how badly he had fucked things up with Anisha. It was because of his own doings. He was well-aware of how his mistakes had pushed Anisha away. He was well-aware of how those same mistakes had pushed his parents away.

And he couldn't help but feel as though he had also failed his sister.

Because in some ways, he blamed himself for his sister's death.

And he didn't want to nor did he try to find the truth out. The truth about why Cassie had done what she had. Because some things are better left unknown.

Some things are better left unsaid. And sometimes it's better to not know the real reason behind things.

And he didn't want to know why his sister had done what she had.

He didn't want to know why she had even been drinking when she was five-months pregnant. He didn't want to know why she had emptied the bottle of sleeping pills that her doctor had prescribed and taken as many pills as she could have.

All he knew was that for weeks, Cassie had been distant. She had been distant and sad.

But she always brushed it off as being stressed and tired.

But still Andrew couldn't help but feel as though as he had failed her. Because he was her younger brother. And when she had needed him most, he had failed her.

Thirty Years Ago

Nine year old Andrew stood alongside his twelve year old sister as they greeted family members and guests for their aunt's wedding.

He was beyond bored but his mother had already scolded him to be on his best behavior. Otherwise, he knew he wouldn't get to play with his toy car for another month.

Because last month, he had gotten in trouble again and his mom had taken his toy car away for an entire month!

His mom had bought him a new remote control toy car. It was a red car and it went really fast. He wanted a car just like that when he was older.

And school was really boring. So Andrew decided to take the toy car to school and show all his friends. He hid the toy car in his Spider-Man backpack and during reading time, he took the toy car out of his backpack and started playing with it. 

He kept getting confused between the two buttons on the controller and before he knew it, the toy car was zooming towards his teacher's desk.

The teacher had been very mad. His mom had been very mad. And she had taken the toy car away.

And last night, she had given it back to him but made him promise to behave at his aunt's wedding.

"This is so boring. I hate weddings." He complained and poked his sister.

"Stop it Drew. Otherwise, I'm going to tell Mom you won't behave." Cassie continued looking at her aunt. Her wedding dress was so pretty. And Cassie loved dressing up for weddings.

There was just something special about finding someone to spend the rest of your life with. And wedding were so happy. And they promised a happily-ever-after.

"I like weddings because you can dress up. And getting married seems like so much fun."

"I like weddings because you can dress up." Andrew mimicked, repeating everything his sister had just said in a girly voice. He gave her a smile as she glared at him.

"Getting married is stupid. I'm never going to get married." He poked his sister again. He was really bored. And all he could think about was going home and playing with his toy car.

"But you will. You'll find a girl who you will want to marry and be with forever." She playfully poked her brother back.

"No. Never. Girls are stupid. All they care about are dolls and sparkly pens." He shook his head and gave his sister a dazzling smile, trying to remind her of the times he had hidden her dolls because all she did was play with the stupid dolls.

"But you will. You will find a girl one day who will make you fall in love. And you'll want to spend the rest of your life with her." Because already at the age of twelve, Cassie was enthralled by the idea of love. And perfect endings.

It was expected, considering she had just had her first kiss a few weeks ago.

She smiled as her brother as he shook his head and poked her again.

"Whatever. I want more cake. That's why I like weddings. Because of the cake." He looked around to see if his mom was looking.

Because Andrew wanted more cake but he had already taken two slices. And his mom would get mad if he took another slice.

"Hey Cassie Bear. You know you're the best sister in the whole wide world." He poked his sister again.

"What do you want Andrew."

He grinned at his sister. "I want cake."

Twenty-four Years Ago

Fifteen year old Andrew leaned against the wall as he watched his sister finish up last minute packing.

"It looks so empty." His eyes glanced across the room. There were only a few things left. "How the hell are you going to fit everything in that small-ass dorm room?"

"It'll fit." She rolled her eyes as she taped the last box shut. She wasn't really sure how she was going to make everything fit in the small dorm room, especially since she was going to have two other roommates. But the last thing she was going to do was admit that to her smart-assed brother.

"I'm gonna miss you Cassie Bear. I'm gonna miss having you as my personal chauffeur. Especially since I don't get my license for another seven months and moms gonna have to drive me everywhere."

"Fuck off Andrew. I'm gonna tell mom you're annoying me again. And I told you to stop calling me that." She sat down on her bed and looked around her room. Tomorrow was move-in day and she was excited for college.

But she was also kind of scared. Because college was supposed to different. A new adventure of sort. And she had no idea what to except. And she really was going to miss her brother and her parents.

Andrew took a seat across from his sister and grabbed her teddy bear from the nightstand. "Are you taking Mr. Fluffles along?"

"Um maybe." It wasn't maybe. She was going to take her favorite teddy bear along for sure but she knew her little brother would never stop teasing her if she gave him a definite yes.

She rolled her eyes as he smirked, clearly knowing his sister would take her favorite teddy bear along.

"I'm going to miss you Andrew." She grabbed Mr. Fluffles from her brother's hands and put it to the side.

"I guess I might miss you too, Cassie Bear. But only a little. Like when I need a ride."

She smiled but she was feeling a mixture of things. And there was a hint of sadness. But that's always the case with change and new beginnings.

"Well, I'll only miss you when I need help with math homework." And it was true. Because Cassie hated math with a passion. And she also hated the fact that her brother was good at math and already taking eleventh grade math despite only being a sophomore.

Of course, he also never failed to remind her that he always got a better grade in math than she did.

"But I'm only three hours away." And it was perfect. She was close enough to home but not too close. She could visit on weekends, if she wanted to.

"I'm always here, you know that right Cassie? The little brother to save the day." He smiled, reassuringly, promising his sister he'd always protect her.

Because that was his job as her little brother. To protect his sister.

"I know." And she really did know that.

"Okay great. Now that we're done with all the sappy shit, can we have a movie marathon?"

And before she could even agree, he was already out the door and running downstairs to make sure he got the TV remote first.

Because he wanted to choose the first movie. And the last thing he wanted to do was watch a stupid Disney movie his sister would probably pick.

Eighteen Years Ago

Twenty-One year old Andrew kissed Anisha goodbye.

"Are you sure you can't spend the night?" He pulled her closer just as she had turned around to leave and snuggled his face in the crook of her neck, wrapping his arms around her and placing his hands on her stomach.

"Are you kidding? Have you seen how strict my mother is? I told her I was going to a MCAT prep class tonight. I would be grounded until I'm thirty or something if she found out that I was having dinner with you and your family instead and then spending the night with you." She placed her hands on top of his as he gave her a quick peck on the cheek and turned her around so she was facing him.

She wrapped her arms around his neck, smiling up at him. And she couldn't help but feel happy.

She felt happy, she felt young and she felt carefree.

The way he made her feel, it was indescribable.

No one had ever made her feel so special, so wanted and so loved before.

And even though, they had only been together for a year, Anisha knew she was in love with him. She was so very in love with him.

"Your mom really doesn't like me, does she?" Andrew knew it. And Anisha also knew it was true. Her mother wasn't the fondest of Andrew.

"She's getting used to you." And it was true. Because Andrew was the first guy she had ever brought home. And she had already known how her parents would react.

But she didn't care. Because she really liked Andrew. And she really wanted it to work.

"Getting used to me or getting used to the fact that I'm white?" He gently squeezed her waist as she shrugged and instead leaned up on her tippy-toes and gave him a quick kiss.

"She'll get over it. And I really have to go now, unless you want me to be grounded until I'm thirty." She clicked on her phone and saw that it was almost ten. Her mom would be calling any second now to ask her when her class was over.

He twirled her around before pulling her to him, whispering huskily against her ear. "I was really looking forward to having you spend the night. I've spent all evening thinking about how to get you out of this dress."

Anisha rolled her eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose. "And now, you can go to sleep thinking about how you didn't get to take the dress off me." She gave him a fake smile, clearly aware of his intentions when he had asked her to come over for a family dinner and hinted at the fact that he wanted her to spend the night at his apartment.

It was summer break. Andrew lived just an hour outside LA. But Anisha lived six hours from LA. She had managed to convince her parents to come and visit her in LA for the summer instead of going back home to San Francisco.

And for some reason, her mother had agreed to spend the summer in Anisha's small apartment, located just a few blocks from the college campus. But that also meant her mother kept tabs on her twenty-four seven. And so Anisha and Andrew hadn't really gotten a lot of alone time.

Because her mother wanted Anisha to be home at the exact time she said she would be. And her mother hadn't exactly been too welcoming when Anisha had first introduced Andrew to her either.

"I really have to go. It's almost ten and my mom is gonna call and ask when I'm going to be home any second now." Anisha sighed as her phone started ringing just as she finished complaining about her fairly predictable mother. It was still a minute to 10 but her mother was already calling.

Andrew snatched the phone from her hands and answered the call instead. "Hi Mrs...Ouch. What the fuck Anisha." He sat down on the first porch step and rubbed his shin, right where Anisha had kicked him.

He watched as she talked on the phone and waved her hands around, frustrated and clearly trying to find a way as how she would explain why he had answered her phone when especially since she was supposed to be at a prep class.

He pointed to his shin as she looked at him and rolled her eyes at him. He rubbed his shin and pretended to be in a lot of pain, trying to make her feel guilty about kicking him.

And he couldn't help but smile as she ignored him.

He couldn't help but wonder how he had gotten so lucky. Because he was so very in love with her.

"So now can you stay the night?" He smirked as she gave a frustrated sigh and threw her phone in her bag.

She was certain her mother didn't buy the "he's thinking of switching majors and wanted to see what medicine was like" excuse. And she wasn't really sure whether her mother even believed she had gone to a prep class.

But she would figure that out once she got home.

"I am leaving. Put some ice on your shin or something. Oh and next time, I hope you can explain to my mother why you decided to switch from business to medicine. And why you were enrolled in the same MCAT prep class as me. That's if she'll even trust my lie that I was studying tonight, not spending time with you." She gave him an air kiss and made her way to her car.

Andrew smiled and shook his head as he waved her goodbye.

He really had gotten lucky.

"I really like her. She's perfect for you." He looked up as his sister took a seat next to him on the porch.

It was the first time his sister had met Anisha. A few months ago, he had first brought Anisha home and introduced her to his parents. But Cassie had only met her today.

"I really like her too." He smiled and took out his phone.

Cassie playfully poked him. "Aww, my little brother's in love." And she watched as a slight tinge of red colored his cheeks.

"Fuck off Cassie Bear." He knew she hated the nickname he had given her when they were little. And because she hated it, it was the only reason why he always called her that.

He turned his phone on and showed her three pictures. Three pictures of three different engagement rings. Because he was more than ready to spend the rest of his life with Anisha.

"Which one do you like?" He handed the phone to his sister and watched as she analyzed each of the three rings.

He had spent weeks trying to find the perfect ring for the perfect girl. He had looked at rings in store, looked at ring designs online. He wanted to find the perfect ring. The perfect ring for his girl.

"I like the third one."

He nodded in agreement. "It's between the first and third one." He really liked the third one the best. It was a classic engagement ring, round cut and French cut.

And it was perfect for Anisha.

"When are you going to propose? My little brother is going to get married." Cassie playfully poked her brother again as he ran a hand through his hair and smiled.

"Before the summer ends, I'm gonna ask her to marry me." And he grinned. Because he couldn't wait to marry Anisha. "Between the internship and tutoring, I'll have enough money by the end of the month to buy her a ring."

Because while Anisha had been spending the summer stressing and studying, trying to prepare for the MCAT, Andrew had started working at his father's investment company so he could save some money. His father had told him he could start working in late October and then slowly start taking over. But Andrew wanted to start right away.

And so he started as an intern, slowly learning of the tasks and responsibilities he would soon be in charge of. He had big plans for the small firm.

And he was more than ready.

Ready to get on with his life. To take over his dad's small company and make it into something greater. To marry the woman he loved and spend the rest of his life loving her.

And so, over the summer, he had saved up a decent amount. Not to mention the money he had made while he was worked as a math tutor at college. And by the end of the month, he would've saved enough money to buy the ring he had been looking at for so long.

"She's perfect, Andrew. And I know you'll be happy with her."

And Andrew couldn't help but smile. Because he couldn't wait to spend the rest of his life with Anisha, with the woman he loved more than anything.

Fourteen Years Ago

Twenty-four year Andrew reread the presentation he had prepared one last time. It had to be perfect.

He was in Seattle for the week. There was a luxury hotel and he wanted to buy into some of the shares. But he was new to the business world. And he was still trying to make a name for himself. And his presentation for tomorrow had to be perfect.

Andrew took business trips frequently. And every night, he always called Anisha before he went to sleep.

He wanted her to know that he was thinking of her before he went to sleep every single night.

Tonight, around 9:30, he had called Anisha and wished her good night. But then he decided to stay up a little longer to reread and make final changes to the presentation.

They had been married for three years now. His company was doing well. His marriage was even better. And things, every single thing, couldn't be more perfect.

He couldn't be happier. Because things couldn't be more perfect.

1,135.3 miles away from Seattle, Cassie sat on the floor of her apartment. The apartment complex was located fairly close to the Santa Monica Pier. The Pier where happy people were probably having a good time and enjoying their night.

But she had shut the blinds closed, refusing to let any moonlight into her apartment.

She didn't want light. She liked the darkness that surrounded her.

She picked up the phone and tried to call her boyfriend. And her call was sent to voicemail.

He was probably staying out late again. Because he had been avoiding her lately. But she understood why.

And she couldn't really blame him.

She took a sleeping pill. She wanted to sleep. She didn't want to cry. She didn't want to suffer another anxiety attack. She just wanted to sleep.

Cassie Hayes was simply tired of life.

She picked up the phone again and this time decided to call her brother.

She was calling him to say goodbye. To say she was sorry for not being strong enough to fight any longer. To say that she was sorry for giving up.

She called him to say goodbye.

And to tell him what she was going to do wasn't his fault, that he couldn't play the role of the younger brother and save her.

Andrew groaned as his phone wouldn't stop ringing. It was two in the morning and his phone was ringing non-stop for the past few minutes. He had ignored the first two calls but finally sat up and reached for the phone that was charging on the nightstand.

It was Cassie.

"Why the fuck are you calling me at two in the morning?" His voice was sleepy. And he wanted to just go back to sleep. He needed to be rested for the presentation tomorrow. He yawned and waited for Cassie to speak. But the line was silent for a few second and just as he was about to hang up, his sister started crying.

And he immediately sat up, rubbing his eyes. Something was wrong with his sister.

"Andrew? Drew, is this you?" She was hysterical. She wasn't going to tell him what she had been thinking to do for a while now. She just wanted to say goodbye. Goodbye and sorry.

But saying goodbye is hard. Hard and painful.

How was she supposed to tell him that this would probably be the last time he would ever hear her voice? How was she supposed to tell him that last week's dinner was probably the last time he was going to remember seeing her?

Because Cassie was giving up. She was tired of pretending to be happy. And life, things, everything, it had all just gotten to be too much.

Too much and too unbearable.

She gently placed one hand on her stomach and held the phone in her other hand. She was sorry. She was really sorry.

For giving up. Because giving up was taking the easy way out.

But Cassie was tired. And she just wanted to give up.

"Cassie, what's wrong?" And she placed a hand over a mouth, trying to control her sobbing. She didn't want him to worry. She didn't need him to worry.

And she didn't need him to save her, because she didn't want to be saved.

She just wanted to say goodbye.

"I'm so sorry, Andrew. I'm so sorry." And she really was. She was sorry.

"Hey, it's okay. I was just tired and I snapped. I'm sorry." Andrew thought his sister was apologizing for calling so early and waking him up.

He immediately felt bad. He hadn't meant to snap at her. But it was early. And he was sleepy.

"No, Andrew I'm so sorry. I'm sorry for being a bad sister. I'm sorry for being a bad mother." Cassie rubbed her stomach gently.

"You're the best sister in the world, Cassie Bear. And the baby, it's going to be lucky to have an amazing mother like you."

And she smiled for the first time that night. And imagined what it would be like to hold her baby in her hands.

But it wasn't fair.

Because she already knew she would never get to hold her baby in her hands. She wouldn't get to watch her baby smile or laugh.

"I can't do this anymore Andrew. I'm really sorry." And she really was. "I know Anisha will always be there for you. She loves you. And she'll help you. You two will be okay, because you have each other."

But Cassie, Cassie wasn't okay. She didn't have anyone. And all she could say was sorry.

"I'm tired, Andrew. I'm really tired. And I'm sorry. I'm really sorry." Because she was sorry. sorry for giving up so easily. Sorry for not trying to anymore. "I love you, baby brother. And Andrew, you're going to make an amazing father one day. I know it. Anisha knows it. And...and you're the best brother in the entire world. You know that?"

"Of course I know that. I'm super amazing after all." And he smiled as his sister's voice brightened.

"Wait Andrew, before you hang up, do you remember when we were little and sometimes before we would go to sleep, mom would tell read us stories."

Cassie wanted to hear a story.

She just wanted someone to tell her a story before she fell asleep tonight.

Tomorrow would be a different day. But right now, right now at 2:14 in the morning, she felt happy.

And she wanted her little brother to tell her a story.

"Yea. She had an entire book of fairytale stories. They were all stupid anyway."

And even Cassie now thought they were stupid. Because they all ended with happily-ever-after. Because they all had some kind of perfect ending.

"No, not all of them. Some of them are just perfect. Others are kinda stupid. Can you tell me the story about The Ugly Duckling? Please?"

Because she wanted to hear the story about the ugly duckling that turned into a beautiful swan.

"Sure." And so he told his older sister a story as she fell asleep with the phone on speaker and a smile gracing her lips.

Present

Andrew stuffed his hands into his pockets and stared at the night sky as he stood in front of his sister's grave and remembered the times he had been happy.

The times he had felt happy and loved.

Just once, just for a few hours, he wanted to be happy again. He wanted to be able to smile and laugh alongside his wife and not feel like a failure.

His eyes were red, his heart was heavy and his lips quavered slightly as he did his best to keep any more tears from falling.

He didn't know what to do anymore.

He felt like a failure.

He had failed Anisha.

He knew that in the past fourteen years, there had been many times when Anisha had needed him and he hadn't been there.

He had failed as a husband.

And he had also failed as a brother.

He had failed his sister.

That last phone call was his sister's cry for help. And two days later, he had gotten another phone call, this time from Anisha, screaming and crying, telling him that Cassie was in the ER.

That Cassie was in the ER after her boyfriend had found her unconscious on the floor, with empty vodka bottles surrounding her and sleeping pills scattered around her.

And Andrew was miserable after that.

Because he blamed himself.

And he had failed as a brother. He had failed to protect his sister.

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Because Andrew is suffering is just as much. The fact that he cheated and hurt Anisha isn't justifiable but there are always two sides to each story. He does not know the truth yet but he does still regret everything he has done.

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And here's another random gif that has absolutely nothing to do with this chapter.