Better // Britt Nicole

Nila

I don't know how it happens, but somehow, I'm crying by the end of the song, as it transitions to Hollyn's "Obvious", which only makes my tears come that much harder. I don't even know what it is.

Maybe it's just Dad and Joel singing. Their voices. Maybe it's the fact that they, the two people I look up to most in the world, are so honest in that song. It's so open about their struggles. And it makes me feel like that much more of a disgusting liar. Or maybe it's that it feels like God has let me go. That He won't meet me where I am right now. Maybe it's that I have such a busted heart, and it feels like it'll never be healed. Maybe it's just that I have fresh cuts searing my wrists and rings glittering on my finger and pain and fear imbedded in my heart, and it's all too much.

Or maybe it's all of that, come crashing down on me and pouring out in liquid form.

Whatever it is... it certainly has me in tears, as I helplessly sob into my knees. Quietly. So that I stay invisible in my own little corner of the school. But that doesn't make the tears hurt any less.

Footsteps in front of me instantly yank me from my helpless position, and I look up sharply, and feel my heart sink. No. Please no. I can't deal with her today!

But she's coming anyway, and fast. Desperately, I choke back my tears and dab at my eyes, though I know my heavy makeup will give me away no matter what I do.

And anyway, Katherine is almost on top of me, and is, standing over me like a haughty queen.

"Oh, Nila," she coos. "Why are you crying? Realize Daddy's been lying to you all these years? That he was confusing priceless with worthless and he finally set them straight?"

I clench my jaw, struggling to hold the tears back. "Nothing's wrong, and my father has never lied to me."

"Really?" she asks, her eyes full of malicious enjoyment of the conversation. "Well then, he and your dear uncle must be even dumber that I thought they were. I don't know how anyone could see anything of value in you."

My jaw tightens even further, but I say nothing in response. I know I'm letting her win, but I don't have the comebacks I usually do.

Katherine looks me over, and one perfect eyebrow raises. "I see you're not eating. Again. Glad to see you took my advice. After all, that belly grows much more and your Aunt Moriah is gonna be mighty disappointed in you... she'll think that you've been sleeping around and have got... you know... a baby on the way."

"Funny, Katherine," I snap, getting to my feet at last and placing a hand on my hip. "Real funny. You should tour as a comedian." She opens her mouth to reply, but I don't let her. "Look, I get it, okay? I'm fat, and I'm ugly, and I'm worthless. You got anything else you wanna say to me now? Or realize that I'm never gonna listen to some chic who's made my life miserable since we were kids over the two men I love most in this world?"

"That's all you are anymore, isn't it?" she sneers. "All you can ever talk about is all that Priceless ***, and about your ******* dad and uncle. You think you're really special, getting adopted by a musician like that, don't you? You think you're so much better than the rest of us."

"I don't think I'm better than you, Katherine!" I hiss, losing more and more patience with every passing second. "I love Dad and Joel, and I couldn't be more grateful for everything they've done for me. That's it, okay?"

"That's actually not it," she snaps. "I don't care what you say... you're always rubbing that in everyone's faces! Well, you need to wake up and realize that you're just a posterchild for their ******* movement... someone to make them look like they're living it out even more... that they're taking this broken little orphan and showing her how ******* priceless she is. That's all you are to them, Nila! Get a brain and accept it!"

"If you think you can convince me that my father and uncle are as big of hypocritical jerks as that, you're just wholly unintelligent," I retort heatedly. "Say what you want about me, Katherine, but you keep the character of my family out of this!"

"You just want me to stop saying it because you know it's true!" The wicked pleasure in her eyes is disgusting. "You wanna back out cause I'm making you squirm. But think about it, Nila! Your own ******** parents didn't even want you. Mine died. Luna's died. But yours? Well, we never hear anything about yours, Ni. Why do you think that is? They hated you enough to toss you into the foster care system, and you think that some religious freaks with everything they could ever want would want you? You're demented."

"I know what happened to my parents, Sweetheart," I reply heatedly. "So thank you very much, but you're not gonna scare me with ghost stories about their mystery."

"Yeah?" she challenges, fire in her eyes. "Then what did happen to them?"

"Cause I'm dumb enough to tell you!" I counter, sarcasm dripping from my tone. "No matter what I said, you'd just twist it to your own evil game, and thanks, but I don't want to play."

"That's what I thought!" she laughs in triumph. "You know what, you probably do know, but you're too ashamed to admit it. They left you. They abandoned you like the trash you are, and we all know it." Before I can even open my mouth, she goes on. "And as for your precious Smallbones, you're nothing but a marketing gig. Luke walked down that row that day and chose the fattest, ugliest kid with the most broken past so that they could use her to show girls that everyone, even that horrible monster, is ******* priceless."

"It's just sad that you find the need to say that about my dad," I snap, barely keeping my voice at a reasonable level. "You know what he did for me this morning? You know the conversation we have every single morning when he drops me off? You know the sacrifices it's taken him and my mom to raise a girl from ten years old?"

"Oh, yeah, I saw those little rings and knew they'd be from that idiot," she snarls. "But all you're doing is proving my point, Nila! Rings that say how much he loves you, a shortened version of his ****** speech every time you get out of the care? Let me guess... they're always there for you, and they'll love you no matter what, too?"

"First, you just made yourself look really stupid, because Joel gives that speech," I tell her bluntly. "And second, yes, they have said those things to me. And you know why? Because they're true!"

"You're just pathetic, Nila!" she chortles. "Gullible and pathetic, if you really believe that ****! But I don't really think you do, now do you? Oh, you're good at putting on a good face, but you know what you're made of. You know they'd never love you through anything."

"What's pathetic is that you are still convinced I buy you're lies, Katherine," I counter angrily, struggling not to let my emotions shine through.

"Yeah? Then why were you crying in the corner, Nila?" she taunts. "Why aren't you eating? And why don't you just roll back your sleeves and show everyone what's under them?"

I open my mouth, but no words come out. Oh, please no.

"Yeah, that's right," Katherine sneers. "A friend of mine saw your sleeve tug back and we know what you've started to do, you ******* *****. But wait? Have you not told your daddy and uncle yet?"

"I have no idea what you're talking about," I tell her through gritted teeth. "Though if you're suggesting what I think you are, you're even more desperate than I thought."

"Oh, I'm suggesting it, alright, and we both know it's exactly what you're hiding under that posterchild sweater," she sniggers. "Gee, I wonder what dear Daddy and Joel would do with that little piece of information. You know, they put up with a lot from you and work it back to their ******* movement, but I think that might be pushing it just a little."

My heart is pounding in my ears, and I'm struggling not to panic. "You go around telling my dad that I freaking cut, and you are not gonna like what happens," I tell her coldly, barely controlling my hot anger and pressing panic.

"Oh, Baby," she taunts, "you're almost shaking. See? You are scared that they'll find out, aren't you? You know they'll hate you. You know they'll leave. You know that they never cared for you in the first place."

"Shut up, Katherine!" It comes out a quiet yell, as I finally lose control. "I am done having this conversation, and you are going to leave me alone, do you hear me? I get it, okay? I'm fat. I'm ugly. I'm worthless, and my family hates me. Did I miss anything? Or do you just think that I should go run off a cliff so that the world is rid of my horrible presence?"

And with that, I turn on my heel and storm towards the doors that lead out of the commons. It's only now that I realize a tiny crowd has gathered to observe our faceoff. I don't care. I'm getting out of here.

"That sounds just about perfect, Nila!" she yells after me. "Go kill yourself, why don't you? I guarantee you were never supposed to be born anyway, *****."

It's the last thing I hear before the doors close behind me. And, even in the halls during lunchtime, where there's a million people to watch my pain, I can't help but break down, tears streaming down my face as I walk away.