Busted Heart (Hold on to Me) // for KING & COUNTRY

Nila

I take a minute in the bathroom to fix my eyeshadow and compose myself, and stare at the envelope for a long moment. I can't believe they did that for me. I look at my hand, displaying all three of the rings, and shake my head slowly. I can't believe he did any of this for me.

I can't believe you've lied to him so much that he still thinks he loves you.

I swallow hard, squeezing my eyes shut against the thought.

Yeah. Me either. I know he says it doesn't matter, but that can't be true. If he saw the cuts that are still burning on my arms, there's no way he'd tell me any of this, or do any of this for me. Even despite that extended time in the car, I'm about an hour early, since Dad obviously planned for it, and I'm meeting my counselor, Mr. Schelly, today.

Even though I'm only a sophomore, I see him more than most people my age see theirs, because of how much I'm gone, and the way I jump from online to in person and back again. He doesn't even seem to care, which is honestly pretty good of him. He has bigger problems to deal with, but he always makes time for me.

I've already met with him twice since I got back, once really briefly, and once for a little longer. And I see him and talk to him for a minute or two almost every day, since I walk through the office when I leave. Today, since my dad has his upcoming tour schedule, we're going over that and getting everything worked out in advance.

Schelly's honestly a pretty awesome person. He's a Christian, though he's not allowed to talk about it much, and he's always supportive and kind, no matter how much of a pain my weird life is.

He's also freaking insanely perceptive, so I make sure I've swallowed my shame, my doubts, and my tears, before leaving the bathroom and heading to his office.

He smiles as I walk through the door.

"There's my favorite student."

"You literally say that to everyone," I groan, forcing a smile as I drop down into the waiting seat.

"Not everyone," he chuckles. "Just the people I like. How are you, Nila?"

"Good," I say easily, "How about you?"

"The same," he agrees. "Though it's already hot out there, and it's not even seven yet."

"Yeah," I laugh. "Welcome to Nashville."

"And yet you're sitting over there is a sweater," he says, shaking his head slowly. "Please tell me you're planning on taking that off and have something underneath."

I look down at it casually. "What? No. It breathes."

"As did the hoodie you were wearing on ninety-degree Monday, I suppose," he says skeptically. "And the leather jacket you were wearing yesterday. Oh yes, and the other hoodie you were wearing in the picture your uncle posted of you with them at the studio on Saturday."

"Actually, yes," I tell him. "They all do breathe. Seriously, man. Girls don't wear anything under hoodies, so guys don't get how cool they can honestly be."

"What about the leather jacket?" he presses. "Those things are horribly hot."

"Not really..." I start, but he cuts me off.

"Yes, really. Come on, girl, don't try to deny it."

"Well, maybe, but I'm not gonna let the heat cramp my style," I force myself to laugh as I say the words, while on the inside I'm getting more and more nervous.

"Okay, but spill," he sighs. "A week ago, you dressed edgy, but like a normal person who knows where we live. Now, it's like you think we're in Antarctica or something. Why?"

"I just... decided to wear this stuff," I literally can't think of something more believable.

"Are you sure?" he presses, getting serious and gentle for a moment.

"Of course I'm sure!" I shake my head in exasperation. "Why else would I do it?"

"Okay, okay," he sighs, though he sounds less than convinced. "But you know I'm here for more than just dealing with your dad's tour schedule, don't you? You can talk to me if you need to."

"I know," I groan. "But actually, I am here to deal with my dad's tour schedule, so maybe we should do it?"

"Yes, ma'am," he laughs. "Sorry to get distracted, madam."

I shake my head slowly. "Okay. You can shut up."

I'm just glad he didn't make me prove that I was telling the truth. Because that's the thing when you lie... you can't prove yourself right.

POV Change sponsored by Air1

Luke

I walk into the studio around nine-thirty, and find I'm the first one here. We really can be lazy when we're not on tour. But I honestly think we've kind of earned the right.

I work on what I can by myself for about ten minutes before I hear the door open, and look up to see Joel walking through the door.

"Ah, it's my favorite Koala," he says with a smile. "You got things done early this morning."

I shrug. "Nila was meeting with Schelly about tour dates this morning, so I took her over early, and that made everything happen sooner."

"Ah, I see. How is she?"

"I..." I shake my head slowly. "I don't know, Joel. That's the problem."

"Did you give her the rings and the envelope?"

"I did," I confirm. "She took that well. But I just don't know."

"And I know that kills you, Luke," Joel says seriously as he takes a seat beside me. "But you're doing everything you can. You're doing great."

I don't answer, just shaking my head again, and he reaches out to give my shoulder a comforting squeeze.

My phone buzzes, so I reach out and pick it up, and see an email from Schelly himself.

I tap on it, unlock the phone, and wait for it to load before beginning to read.

Dear Mr. Smallbone,

Nila and I met this morning as planned, and we successfully got everything worked out for your next set of tour dates. If anything changes, just let me know, and I'll be happy to meet with her again and work everything out.

I did find the need to mention to you something that you've probably already noticed and know is nothing to worry about. Nila is an amazing, joyful girl, but over the past few weeks, since she returned with you from touring, she hasn't been quite herself, no matter how hard you can tell she's trying to be. And I've noticed that every day this week, she's been in long sleeves, as well as on Saturday, from your brother's post on social media. As I said before, you probably have already decided that this is nothing to worry about, and it probably isn't. However, when I casually brought it up to Nila this morning, she was undeniably nervous, and that's what has me more concerned than anything. I didn't make her show me her arms, but I can if you would like me to, or not. I'm not trying to jump to unhealthy conclusions, but I just wanted to know if there was anything in Nila's life that I wasn't aware of that could explain her behavior in a way that's concerning, or not, either way. I don't want to assume the worst of her, but I care about her too much to not to anything, and I know you feel the same, but to a much greater extreme. Feel free to email me back, or call me at (XXX) XXX-XXXX and we can talk about all of this. I love your daughter, and she's a pleasure to have as one of my students, so I simply don't want to overlook something that shouldn't be.

Thank you, and I'll talk to you soon.

- Jeff Schelly, Franklin High School Counselor

I bite my lip as I stare at the phone. I don't like what he's thinking. But it's the same thing I've been trying to make myself stop thinking all week.

"What's up?" Joel asks mildly. "Talk to me, Luke."

I sigh. "Her counselor's worried about her, too. The long sleeves, Joel... I just don't know what to think."

He nods slowly, concern in his gaze. "Me either. Did you talk to Dad?"

"I did." I take a deep breath. "He said I was doing it right... that I needed to push, but not enough to scare her. He thought what we were doing for her today was perfect. He talked to her a bit on Sunday at church, but she was keeping him pretty well at arm's length."

Joel shakes his head slowly. "And that's what gets me. She's a good actress... she could have you fooled into thinking she's the same as always. But she just... she's scared of me anymore, Luke." He's blinking back tears as he says it. "And it just... It breaks my heart."

"Me too." I tug a hand through my hair, chewing on the inside of my lip. "Me too."

He straightens quickly, setting his shoulders. "Put we've got tonight, for dinner before she goes to youth group, right?"

"Right," I agree. "And I didn't tell her... I want it to be a surprise."

"Perfect. Then we'll pick up there."

"I need to call her counselor back real quick," I say, rising from my seat. "Maybe the others will have showed up by the time I'm done."

POV Change sponsored by Carlos and Joy (In honor of the end of the show ☹)

Nila

It's halfway through the school day, and I can't seem to find my focus. The rings shining on my hand are distraction enough, but what's more is the burning that persists under my sleeve. I twirl my pencil lightly as the clock ticks down to the end of our Chemistry period. We're supposed to be doing homework, but I thought it was due today so I already finished it. Good thing, too, with the amount of focus I have today.

My table is chatting about the Infinity War trailer, about the beard and the blonde hair and Tom Holland's face... or maybe that's just where my mind goes. Usually, I would join in. But today, I just don't have the energy to.

I reach up, beginning to fidget with my penny necklace instead. This doesn't make any sense. I've always believed it. From the first time Dad said it to me, that I was completely and undeniably priceless.

But things were different then. I was... I was a child, happy and free. I was sunshine. Now... I'm a loser with family issues and cuts on my wrist. A loser who lied to the man who she loves most in the world, enough that he still thinks he loves her back.

But he couldn't.

Finally, the bell goes off, and I straighten with the rest of the class as our teacher calls out a reminder that the homework is due at the beginning of next period. Whatever. That's just about how much of an idiot I am.

Whatever. Emily, the other girl at my table of four, turns to me as we all get up and pack up to head to lunch.

"Yo, you're zoning today. What's up?"

I force a laugh, and offer her my hand to show off the rings.

"My dad gave these to me this morning to celebrate adopting me. I honestly can't get over how freaking sweet he is, and anyway, they're shiny and I'm as bad as a bird dog with squirrels." I hesitate, and realize how dumb what I just said was. "Er... with birds. See?"

She laughs as we head for the door of the classroom. "I get your point. Dang though... those are pretty. Your dad's lit."

I smile slightly. "That doesn't even begin to cover it." We reach our parting point, and I raise a hand. "See you on Friday."

She nods. "See you."

And I head off to the commons to meet Luna. (guys I lit just forgot Luna's name. Ugh why was I born to be such an idiot? XD) I've gotta get my head back on straight.

I check my phone as I walk, and see a text from my best friend herself.

Hey, so you're never gonna believe this, but JOEY asked me out!!!!!!!! Ohmygosh I'm literally floating girl! I'll give you details tomorrow. Anyway, he asked if I wanted to ditch with him, and I mean, I've got nothing important going in most of my classes, so I said yes. I tell you, it's been all of half an hour and it's already the most amazing thing ever! But anyway I've obviously not gonna be at lunch today. Can't wait to tell you more! Ttyl girl.

Great. So she went to first, which she has with the kid she's been crushing on for three months, ad then they decided to ditch the rest of the day. He sounds like even more of a winner than what I already thought he was. Whatever. She knows how to handle herself. She has the same Holy Spirit as I do. She'll be fine.

Besides, I haven't been making the best of decisions myself lately, either, so I have literally no room to judge. I just hope Joey doesn't try anything. And I hope if he does, Luna actually shuts him down.

Of course she will. Freaking chill out.

I shove my doubts away and type back a response.

No prob girl. I'll somehow survive lunch without you lol. Just don't make a habit of ditching entire school days, k? XD Have fun, but seriously, be careful. You don't know him that well and I know he seems dreamy but a lot of dreamy guys won't hesitate to try something. Can't wait to hear all about it!

Peppy and supportive, but I got my message across. Score.

She actually responds quickly. I was expecting her to be ignoring her phone for a couple of hours.

Omg, Ni, I swear I think you must actually be related to the Smallbones. You're too much like them for it to just have rubbed off. XD But never fear... I'll be careful, Mother 😝 See you tomorrow.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I take that as a compliment. 😝 See you then.

Too bad she's not right. It would be a whole lot better than the truth about my family.

Shut up. I take a deep breath and head over to the corner. Luna won't sit on the ground, but since she's not here and she's the only person I ever eat lunch with, I get to pick today. And I want a corner. A secluded corner, where I can put my earbuds in and learn to freaking deal with life.

I seriously hope Luna doesn't do anything dumber than ditching a whole day of school. If we went to youth group together, I'd only have to agonize until that, but since our parents already had churches when we were adopted, we also have different youth groups. Oh well. I guess I'll survive until tomorrow, on the slight chance she doesn't give in and text-gush all about it to me at midnight tonight.

I sink down into the corner, feeling myself melt into it as the weight of the day comes crashing down on me. I'm a cutter. Dad and Joel are seriously onto something and I need to get it together. Even Mr. Schelly could tell something was up. I was emotionally, physically, and sexually abused as a child, and I have to relive all of it every single night. It seems like I lie more than I tell the truth anymore. What happened to my perfect life?

I slip my earbuds in and select "Busted Heart", by Dad and Joel. I need this today.

Winter has come back again.

Feels like the season won't end.

My faith is tired tonight,

And I won't try to pretend

I've got it all figured out,

That I don't have any doubts.

I've got a busted heart.

I need you now.

Yeah, I need you now.

Hold on to me.

Hold on to me.

Don't let me lose my way.

Hold on to me.

I am the wandering son.

Enough is never enough.

I keep chasing the wind,

Instead of chasing Your love.

I'm screaming out Your Name.

Don't let me fall on my face!

I've got a busted heart.

I'm in need of a change.

Oh. Yeah, I'm desperate for grace, oh.

Hold on to me.

Take all of me.

Don't let me lose my way.

Hold on to me.

Broke Your heart a thousand times.

But You've never left my side.

You have always been here for me.

You've never let me go.

You've never let me go.

Don't ever let me go!

Hold on to me.

Hold on to me.

Don't let me lose my way.

Hold on to me.

Hold on to me.

Take all of me.

Don't let me lose my way.

Hold on to me.

Winter will come to an end.

Soon the season will end.

I surrender tonight,

You meet me right where I am.