Unsung Heroes feat. Joel Smallbone // Built By Titan

Nila

This goes out to all the losers who keep running til the morning.

Keep on waiting, keep on waiting, we'll be waiting for the sunrise.

I know you're scared, unprepared, but I know it will okay.

Just give it heart. It's time to start. Look at us, we're on the runway.

Catch a flicker in the night,

See it dancing in your eyes.

Feel the breaking of the light, of the light.

Life's a game of truth and dare.

We are lovers in despair.

Hear us shouting, "We're alive! We're alive."

Love, don't you lose tonight.

You are infinite. We can be infinite tonight.

Love, don't you lose tonight.

You are infinite. We can be infinite tonight.

For every girl, and every boy, and every voice turned down to zero,

You have to know, you've got to know, this song is for the unsung heroes. Yeah.

So let's share a toast. I'll pull you close, and take a moment to be silent.

Stand on our chairs, like we don't care, then you and I will shout like lions!

Catch a flicker in the night,

See it dancing in your eyes,

Feel the breaking of the light, of the light.

Life's a game of truth and dare.

We are lovers in repair.

Hear us shouting, "We're alive! We're alive."

Love, don't you lose tonight.

You are infinite. We can be infinite tonight.

Love, don't you lose tonight.

You are infinite. We can be infinite tonight.

For the unsung heroes.

For the unsung heroes.

To the addicts, and depressed,

The lonely and the bullied.

To the lovers in distress,

The ugly and the beauty.

To the sick, to the poor.

To the tall, to the short.

To the black and to the white.

To the left and to the right.

To the godless, and the holy.

To the rich, down to the lowly.

The queens and the kings,

Prostitutes, and the pimps.

To the rags, to the crowns.

To the wars on our grounds.

Let go if you dare.

You're alive, I'm alive, we're alive!

We'll be the unsung

We'll be the unsung

We'll be the unsung

We'll be the unsung

We'll be the unsung heroes.

You're not really supposed to listen to your alarm all the way through the song. But I do this morning. Uncle Joel's voice is just so soothing as he sings the Built by Titan song. I love this song. And it's just the motivation I need to finally get out of bed as the song ends.

I swallow hard, the events of last night crashing down on me hard. I can't... I can't believe that happened.

And it's obvious by the intense burning on my wrist that it truly did happen.

And it's not going to happen again. I'll keep it covered until it heals, and it can't scar that bad. No big deal. No one has to know.

It's Saturday, so I take my time showering before pulling on another hoodie and some leggings and heading downstairs.

The rest of the family... Mom, Dad, Jude, Phoenix, and Leo... in his highchair, are already at the table, enjoying coffee and breakfast. Dad obviously made pancakes this morning, and Jude and Phoenix are busy drowning theirs in peanut butter and syrup.

Dad's the first to see me, and he smiles. "Good morning, Love. Breakfast's on the stove."

I force a smile and head that way. There's no way I'm gonna get by without eating today, so I choose a small pancake and put a bit of peanut butter on it, grab a banana to go with it, and pour myself a cup of coffee, leaving it black.

Dad raises an eyebrow at my plate, but he doesn't say anything, and I pretend like I don't notice, just forcing myself to take a bite.

Why is it so hard to eat anymore? I'm just stressed. That's all.

I flashback to lunch yesterday, and Katherine's words echo through my head.

I know she doesn't like me, but still... why would she say that if it wasn't at least a little bit true? It's not like Luna would tell me if she agreed with her. I'm gonna have to take a look at that later.

"So, what's the plan today?" I ask when I've choked down the pancake in my mouth.

"I'm taking the boys to a playdate this morning," Mom says. "It's with the Drakes, so I'm going to just stay and catch up with Maria, and we'll probably grab lunch at the end. Your father was going to head over to the studio to get a little work down, and then we were going to meet up this evening."

"Cool," I say simply. I'm too focused on the sick feeling eating is giving me for a complex answer.

"You want to come to the studio with me, Nila?" Dad asks casually. "We can always use your ear and mind."

I don't have anything else to do, but I'm nervous at the idea of spending the day with him and Joel.

You need to chill. If you're not a complete and total idiot, hiding this should be easy.

"Sure, whatever," I say in answer to the question, and then crack a smile. "Since I don't have anything better to do."

He laughs, shaking his head slowly. "Whatever you say, Love. Whatever you say."

Mom glances at the time, and then to the two older of my younger brothers. "Alright, Boys, are you about done? We need to head out soon."

They both nod eagerly, chattering their ascent as they clear their plates. After a few minutes, the two disappear upstairs with Mom, leaving Dad, Leo, and I alone.

He casts a sidelong glance at where I'm trying to force myself to finish the pancake.

"You're not eating much this morning," he comments mildly. "You feeling okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine," I say easily. "I'm just not super hungry."

He nods, not pushing the subject any further, and I finally swallow the last bite off of the plate in front of me, then get up rinse the boys' plates and my own to put them into the dishwasher.

I look at Dad, raising an eyebrow. "When are we heading out?"

"As soon as I help your mother out the door with the boys." He lifts Leo from his high chair and precedes upstairs as he says it, and it isn't long before all of us are walking out the door.

The drive over is quiet except for the radio. I focus on letting the music wash over me. I've gotta keep it together today.

It isn't a long drive to the studio, and we're there before I think I'm ready to be. I follow Dad inside, and breathe in the familiarity of this little building. Uncle Joel and Aunt Rebecca are among those already here as we walk in, and they greet us enthusiastically.

"Nila!" Rebecca calls to me, smiling. "It's good to see you."

I force what I hope looks like a genuine smile and wave at her. "Yeah, you too."

Joel, like the hyper child he is, jumps to his feet, rushing across the room to hug me wholeheartedly. "Darling, I'm so happy to see you."

I glare at him without meeting his gaze as he pulls back. "Yeah, cause it's been so long. What? Three days?"

"Two," he chuckles. "But that doesn't change the fact that I'm happy to be able to spend the day with you."

I roll my eyes, still not looking into his. "Whatever, Weirdo."

We quickly fall into their normal routine. I stay in the background for the most part, but answer them when they ask my opinion on things, and occasionally chime in otherwise. I like watching them make new music... it honestly is fascinating.

But I have bigger things on my mind. I can't get Katherine's words from yesterday out of my head, and I quickly download an app and enter in info to the best of my knowledge to see its take. But it still says I'm in the lower half of healthy. That doesn't make any sense.

Maybe... maybe it's thinking I have more muscle than I do. Muscle does weigh more than fat does, so that would make sense. There's ways to measure it, but I don't have any of the information you need for those off of the top of my head.

But I just... Katherine has never said anything like that before. If it wasn't at least a little bit true, then where did she get it? That doesn't make any sense. She must have really thought it. There's no other reason that she wouldn't have stuck to her normal string of insults.

Right. So that's got to be it. I need to go on a diet.

I navigate away from the app and into my browser, but before I can type in the search term, Joel's voice cuts through my thoughts.

"Nila? Nila, Darling, are you alright?"

I start suddenly, looking up in an action that I hope doesn't look as guilty as it feels.

"What?" I ask, unable to look him in the eye. "Yeah, I'm fine."

"You sure?" he presses lightly. "You were staring at your phone with a pretty miserable expression for being fine, Ni."

I swallow hard. "I was doing one of those text stories, you know? It was pretty intense, that's all." And I still can't bring myself to meet his gaze.

"Ah, I see," he replies, but I can tell he's less than convinced. "Sorry to scare you."

"You didn't scare me," I say, what I know is just a little too quickly. "I was just surprised."

"Right," he says, drawing out the vowel to make it clear I'm not fooling him. "Of course."

Rebecca laughs, shaking her head at the two of us. "Okay, guys, does it honestly matter? Because scared and surprised really aren't all that different." She continues before either of us can argue with her. "Nila, are you hungry? It's about that time."

I shake my head, making sure not to be too eager this time. "Not really."

Joel raises an eyebrow, looking at me sidelong. "You feeling alright?"

"No, Joel, I'm deathly ill," I retort, rolling my eyes. "Better take me to the hospital and put me under for surgery. Gosh, am I not allowed to not be hungry anymore?"

He holds up both hands, chuckling. "My goodness, venom much? I was just checking."

"Children, children," Rebecca laughs. "You two are like water and vinegar today. Joel, be the uncle, not the sibling, please." She ignores his response, looking at me again. "Maybe you will be hungry by the time it's ready. I'll go whip something up."

"You're the best, Becca," Dad calls to her as she disappears into the next room.

"I know I am," she quips back.

Joel rises from his seat, turning to the hallway as well. "I'm going to go grab my journal. I think it might be about time to start working on a new song."

He disappears, and I look back down at my phone as Dad turns back to the screen in front of him.

I spend ten minutes scrolling through diets I find online, but I can't find any that Mom and Dad won't be able to tell I'm on. Because I know what they'll say to that.

Joel still hasn't come back from the back room, so either he got distracted like the bird dog he is, or he lost his journal again. Or he lost it and got distracted while looking for it. Probably that one.

Dad glances over at me, raising an eyebrow.

"Love, aren't you hot?" he asks, eyeing my hoodie curiously. "I am and I'm in a t-shirt."

"Nah, I'm good," I reply as easily as I can, though my stomach instantly begins tying itself in knots. "It breathes."

He nods, but he doesn't look convinced as he looks back to the screen.

And I slowly register the feeling of eyes on me. I shift uncomfortably, glancing around before my eyes find Joel, standing in the doorway from the hallway. He's watching me carefully, a concerned, gentle light to his eyes.

I meet his gaze and spread my hands in a confused gesture, communicating the same with my face as I mouth, "What?"

Instead of doing what normal people do and giving it back to me like he wasn't staring at me, he inclines his head in the direction of the door, to the nice garden area outside of the studio.

I feel nervousness immediately begin to eat at me. I knew he was onto me. Did I let something slip? Did he see what I was looking at? Maybe my sleeve rode up.

Chill. It's probably nothing.

But I'm struggling to hide my nervousness as I get to my feet and follow him out the doorway.

"Oh, my gosh, what?" I ask incredulously as the door shuts behind us.

"Nila," he says directly, his gaze meeting mine and keeping it like that. "what's up?"

"What you mean what's up?" I retort, keeping up my confusion for as long as I can.

"I mean, what's wrong?" he presses. "You haven't been yourself lately, Love."

My stomach twists and I inwardly curse myself, while struggling to keep my face set on the outside.

"How so?" I challenge, bringing up every bit of sass I have in me.

"I mean..." He hesitates, spreading his hands helplessly. "You're just... trying too hard. Like, right now," he continues before I can argue. "Darling, you're shaking. Why are you afraid to talk to me anymore?"

I see in his eyes that he's genuinely worried. I look down at myself and see that he's right; my leg is shaking and my hands are quivering.

Get it together!

I plant my foot firmly on the ground and cross my arms over myself to still their mania. "I'm not afraid of you! What would make you think that?"

Joel closes the generous space I put between us and places both hands on my tiny, tense shoulders.

"Love, look at me," he says gently, and, against my will, my eyes slide up to his. "Just tell me what's going on," he murmurs. "You know you can talk to me about anything, don't you?"

His words make tears begin to threaten the backs of my eyes.

Get. It. Together.

"I know, Joel!" I say desperately. "I'm fine, I swear."

"Nila..." He begins, but he's cut off by the door opening.

I turn that way gratefully, to see Aunt Rebecca standing there, a slightly confused look on her face.

"Am I interrupting something?" she asks uncertainly.

"No!" I reply quickly. "Just your brother being a weirdo. What's up?"

"Lunch is ready," she laughs. "Take your time, but I thought I'd let you know."

I nod, trying not to let my intense relief show. "Great, thanks. We'll be right in."

She nods and slips back inside, and I immediately follow after her.

But not before I hear Joel's parting comment, half-joking, but with a worried note that can't be hidden.

"Love, I thought you weren't hungry."

I ignore him, scrabbling inside. But the sight of the food Becca has prepared kills my momentary respite. So much for a diet.

I take as little as I can get away with, but I still find myself picking at it, my stomach clenching as Katherine's words echo in my head over and over again.

She's just getting a clue. She has been getting a little, um, soft lately, you know. A diet certainly isn't going to do her anything but good.

My father's voice breaks through my daze, and I look up sharply to meet his eyes and the worried look that lies within them.

"Nila, Darling, you barely ate breakfast, and now you're picking at a lunch the size of a bird's like you think it's going to kill you to eat it. Are you sure you're feeling alright?"

I groan, secretly planting my feet more firmly on the ground to keep my legs from beginning to shake again. "Oh my gosh, what is with you two today?" I ask in exasperation, glaring at him and his older brother. "I'm freaking fine, alright?"

Dad sighs, shaking his head. "If you're sure."

"I'm positive," I retort, spelling it out while I struggle to keep the outward act.

Why do I feel like I'm going to break down and cry?

Um, I don't know, maybe it has something to do with that cut underneath your sleeve?

Shut up. I'm fine, and that's never going to happen again.

If you're sure.

Shut up!

I force myself to start eating, even if it is the last thing I need. I need Dad and Joel freaking out over me even less than more extra weight.

Dad doesn't push any further, and he does look a little happier as I start eating, but the concern doesn't leave his eyes, and they barely leave me as we eat. Even when we return back to the front room, though they're looking at the screen and their notebooks, not me, I can sense the worry in him and Joel.

I seriously need to get it together. They cannot find out about all of this, and I am doing a horrible job of hiding it. So I take a deep breath, set my shoulders, and start trying harder.

It's exhausting, and I can tell it's less than fully effective. By the time we're getting ready to head out, all I honestly want to do is curl up in a ball and cry. But I force my lips into a smile as I bid everyone farewell and head out the door with Dad. Joel obviously isn't going to let me get away so easily.

He steps forward and wraps me in a gentle hug, holding it for just a moment longer than usual.

"I love you," he says softly. "So much. Never forget it."

"I love you too," I sigh, trying to sound sincere but mildly annoyed at the same time.

And I pull back, waving to all of them, before stepping out the door. Only to find that I'm fighting fresh tears all over again.