Hold Her // for KING & COUNTRY

Nila

"Alright, Nila!" Julie's tone makes it sound like I'm on vacation rather than being forced into mental health treatment because I tried to kill myself. "Go ahead and grab your bag, and we will get you settled into a room."

Obediently, I pick up the backpack Mom brought for me and follow her out into the hall and further down it until we reach an elevator and she summons it. Once inside, she directs it to the fifth floor. I'm still trying to make myself stop crying, and the sound of me sniffling in the small space makes me want to...

Nevermind.

Julie offers me a pitiful smile. "This is always the hardest part," she tells me. "I know you just wanna keep holding onto your dad, but this for the best, I swear."

I don't answer, just fixing my eyes on the ground and continuing to focus on not crying.

We reach the fifth floor, and she leads me down the hall and to a room with 517 on the door... right above a paper sign that is my name. It's obviously handmade, and they did a good job on it, with cute letters and fun colors and pictures, but the sight of it makes me sick.

Smallbone is not a common name, and this is a Christian facility, so people are likely to follow the band.

Now everyone who walks down this hallway is going to know that Luke Smallbone adopted an absolute loser who doesn't do anything except let everyone down.

"We've got it all ready for you," Julie gushes as she swipes a keycard and pushes open the door. "Since you are on the forced vacation program, you'll have the room to yourself. You're not allowed to have much, but your mom emailed us some photos that we printed out for you."

She points, and I see some of my favorite pictures of my family, friends, and music family pinned to a large cork board above the bed.

"Your loved ones are allowed to send in notes and cards, and you can hang those up if you get them... just ask us for the tape when you need it."

My gaze travels around the rest of the room, and the sick feeling in my stomach deepens. There isn't a sharp corner in the entire room. Everything is rounded off and a dull, neutral color. There's a closet and a door to a small bathroom in one corner, a bed and a nightstand on the other wall, and a chair with an end table in the remaining corner not taken up by the door.

"You can put your clothes in here..." She opens the closet to reveal a few shelves and a rod with hangers... permanently attached hangers, of course. "And although you're not allowed to have your phone or earbuds or anything, your alarm clock here..." She walks over to the nightstand and picks it up. "Is preloaded with a playlist that you can put on if you want. It even has a few of your dad's songs!"

I just nod a little.

"The bathroom is in here." She pushes that door open as well. "Just a toilet and a sink. We have a separate area for showers."

Probably supervised ones, so we can't drown ourselves.

"Lunch is served at noon, which is in about an hour" she drones on, "This afternoon, you'll have orientation, then dinner, then triage and prescreening with your therapist. Sound good?"

Sounds like I'd rather...

Nevermind.

I nod.

"All I need from you before I let you get settled in," she tells me. "is to take a peak inside that backpack and make sure everything's approved. Yeah?"

I hand it over.

She rummages through it, seems to approve everything, and hands it back.

"Great!" She walks over to the lightswitch and points to the white button installed under it. "This is your call button. Go ahead and hit that if you need anything. Otherwise, someone will be up to get you and the rest of the floor when it's time to go down for lunch."

She turns and leaves the room. I hear the lock clicking into place behind her. I'm actually stuck here.

Couldn't they just...

Nevermind.

pov-change sponsored by The Impala

Luke

Hugging my boys has never felt so good. Trying to vaguely explain why their sister isn't with me is agony.

Phoenix and Jude are both staring at me with those big, genuine eyes following Jude asking the question. Even Leo, in my arms, seems to be waiting for an answer. "Nila... she..." I swallow hard, trying desperately not to start crying all over again. "She's not feeling so great right now. So she's at the doctor, and they're gonna help her feel better."

"Can we go see her?" Phoenix asks, and once again I'm fighting a fresh wave of tears.

"I'm afraid not, Buddy," I sigh, running a hand through his curly head of hair. "It's part of her getting better."

"Can we make her cards?"

It's Matt's oldest son, Isaac, who voices the question, looking up at me with such genuine concern for his cousin in his eyes that it melts my heart.

I tear up for a good reason as I nod. "Yeah, you can. I think she'd really like that."

"Come on, guys," the thirteen-year-old announces to the younger kids, "We've gotta go make Nila get well cards."

"I'll get the supplies!" Jude exclaims eagerly, and all six of them scamper that way.

I look at Matt when they're gone. "How much did you tell him?"

"Not everything, but more than I told the younger three," he replies. "Not what exactly she did... but some of what drove her to do it."

I nod. "Well, whatever he knows, he's doing good things with it."

"We all love her, Man," Matt says simply, clapping one of my shoulders. "And she's gonna be okay. Yeah?"

I close my eyes and nod, a few tears escaping to run down my face anyway. He squeezes my shoulder again before letting go and pointing me towards the couch.

"Sit down, alright? Turn the TV on or grab a book or just hold your son for a while, but whatever you do, rest. God knows you need it. I'll be right here if you want to talk. Otherwise, I'm just around to keep an eye on the kids and pray for your family. Sound good?"

I nod again, obediently sinking into a sitting position. Matt always was the protective older cousin, looking out for us and taking care of us and never letting any of us feel alone. I haven't needed that in a while, but today, I've never needed it more.

I focus my attention on Leo until he gets restless and I move him to his play mat. With him happily chewing on his favorite toy, I return to my place on the couch, close my eyes, and take a deep breath, letting it out slowly.

She was so scared.

Why did I have to walk away?

I've had hard goodbyes before... more than I want to count. But that one? I think it's the worst I've ever had to live through.

I just don't understand.

Matt is with the kids at the moment, Courtney and Mary still in the other room, working on dinner with the soft murmur of their voices barely carrying to me.

A room to myself, a piano in the corner, and words I wrote months ago now ringing more true and personal than ever, and I can't help myself. I don't know a better way to pray for her.

I get up and walk over to the piano, sitting down slowly and playing an intro that's familiar by now before beginning to sing softly.

She was holding on so tight.

But why did we still have to say goodbye?

She's all alone tonight.

There's nothing I can do to make it right.

Is it ever gonna be, over gonna be brighter?

Is it ever gonna be, ever gonna be easier?

Hold her tonight.

Oh, God, would you hold her tonight?

Cuz I'm not there to

Stay close, keep watch, tell her she's not alone.

Hold her tonight.

We're apart but not alone.

My love for her is more than she can know.

A secret place only we can go.

And we'll laugh, and we will hope until we're home.

Is it ever gonna be, over gonna be brighter?

Is it ever gonna be, ever gonna be easier?

Hold her tonight.

Oh, God, would you hold her tonight?

Cuz I'm not there to

Stay close, keep watch, tell her she's not alone.

Hold her tonight.

Steady on, steady on, my love.

This shall soon pass.

Steady on, steady on, my love.

This shall soon pass.

Steady on, steady on, my love.

This shall soon pass.

Steady on, steady on, my love.

Hold her tonight.

Oh, God, would you hold her tonight?

Cuz I'm not there to

Stay close, keep watch, tell her again she's not alone.

Hold her tonight.

Hold her tonight.

Oh, God, would you hold her tonight?

Cuz I'm not there to

Stay close, keep watch, tell her she's not alone.

Stay close, keep watch, tell her she's not alone.

Hold her tonight.

I don't realize I'm crying until the song is over. I reach up to wipe the water off of my face, and see that Courtney, Mary, and Matt are all standing just inside the room to listen, and that none of them have dry eyes either.

Coco walks over, holding out her phone to display the video that she just took. "I think it might mean something to her when she's allowed to watch it," she says softly, and I nod a little, reaching out to take her hand. In response, she slides onto the piano bench beside me and lays her head on my shoulder.

"I'm glad that one made the album," she says after a long moment.

"Yeah." I swallow hard. "I am too."

The phone she was just showing me buzzes where she set it down. I glance over as she checks it and see that it's a message from Moriah.

this is how we're praying right now <3

Under the message is a video. Courtney presses play. Within a few seconds, we're both sobbing again.

Because it's my big brother, at his piano, water streaming down his face as he sings.

Hold her tonight.

Oh, God, would you hold her tonight?

Cuz I'm not there to

Stay close, keep watch, tell her again she's not alone.

Hold her tonight.

"Matt, Mary," Courtney manages through her tears, "come look at this."

The two cross the room to watch over our shoulders.

Hold her tonight.

Oh, God, would you hold her tonight?

Cuz I'm not there to

Stay close, keep watch, tell her she's not alone.

Stay close, keep watch, tell her she's not alone.

Hold her tonight.

"That's the God we serve," Matt chokes out as the clip ends, placing a hand on each of our shoulders. "That's the God who's holding her."

I don't have it in me to speak at the moment, just nodding, my wife doing the same as she types her response.

You're never going to believe this.

And she attaches the video she just took of me.

Then, she presses play on the video of Joel once again.

All three of us watch it, then we watch mine, then we watch his again. It's only Moriah's response that keeps us from staying here all night.

You should see the way we're sobbing right now, Coco.

My wife looks at me, both of us managing the slightest, trembling smile through watery eyes, before she replies.

ditto.

"Today was hard," I say softly. "But that was beautiful."

I... don't even know anymore. Sorry doesn't really seem to cut it. I just... yeah. Sorry anyway. As usual, I'll try to update sooner next time. And as usual, every single comment will literally bring back my will to live, so thanks for whatever you can give me lol.