If We Are the Body // Casting Crowns

Nila

After Grandpa leads our on-the-road church, I retreat to my room to facetime Zane for Sunday school. If I'm being honest, it's the last thing I want to do, but I know he and my friends already don't know what to believe, and not calling is about the same as taping a sign that says "guilty" on my back.

It rings twice before he picks up. "Nila!" His usual excitement fills his voice, but it's the concern he can't hide from his eyes that scares me. "It's good to see your face, girl. Everyone say hi!"

There's a chorus of greetings from around the room as he flips the phone so I can see my friends. I force a smile and return their waves, trying not to let the cute way Legend always smiles and mouths hi distract me.

I've gotta stay on my A-game today. It's my only chance to convince everyone that I'm alright.

"Hey everyone," I say when they've finally quieted a little. "Good to see you all."

"And I mean it when I say it is good to see you, Nila," Zane reiterates. "I wish I could teleport you a donut and a hug, but apparently modern technology has more important things to focus on so fine."

I laugh, and weak as it may be, it's real. Zane always knows how to make me laugh, no matter what. There's just something about the way he jokes that makes even the stupidest things funny, and I don't really know why.

He sets his phone in its normal spot, so it feels like I'm sitting in our cozy little room with the rest of them as much as possible.

"So," he begins. "John 6. Who read it?"

I raise my hand, along with the others who usually do the reading, at least by who I can see.

Zane shakes his head and smiles, just like he always does.

"Legend, wanna recap for those who didn't?"

And we fall into our regular routine, Zane finding some wacky way that we'll always remember to teach us about Jesus being the Bread of Life. At the end of our hour together, he looks around the room with another smile.

"Alright. Good job, team. Do we have any prayer requests?"

There's a long moment of silence, and he sighs, shaking his head and dropping back to sit on the arm of an empty easy chair.

"Ah, I see. Everyone's lives are going perfect, then?"

The usual rueful laugh passes around the room, but no one speaks up.

A little sadness enters Zane's gaze. "Guys, I know this is hard. I know your problems might seem too big to talk about, or they might seem two small. But if we wanna be family here, we've gotta trust each other... with the big and the small and the messy... all of it. You've gotta trust me with that. I love you guys, a lot. Let me pray for you... let me do life with you. Please."

There's another moment of silence, but then Lily's voice breaks it. "I have a test." She laughs a little. "I know it's stupid, but it's in AP Psych and I'm really stressing."

Zane points at her with a smile. "Thank you, Lily! It's not stupid. In fact, I bet you're not the only one. Who here has a test they're worried about?"

Five hands that I can see go up.

"See?" Zane asks. "Even in things as small as tests, you guys are not alone. Anyone else?"

Ben exhales before speaking. "My grandma's in the hospital."

Our youth pastor gives him his full attention. "Do you know what's wrong?"

"She has pneumonia."

Zane nods seriously. "That can be serious for older people. Alright. Who else?"

"My aunt and uncle are thinking about divorcing," Zendra puts in quietly. "It's been a rough few years, and they still have young kids. It's a mess."

"And we're gonna pray God's miracles into that mess," he replies. "Thank you for sharing. Anything else?" A moment of silence. "Anyone? No? Okay. Let's pray."

"Dear God." He exhales slowly. "Thank You for being good. Thank You for being God... for being higher and holier than our earthly minds will ever be able to comprehend. Thank You for loving us, thank You for bringing us together and empowering us to love one another. I ask that You rest over the minds of everyone in this room as they face another week of school, especially those with difficult tests coming up. Please empower them as they study and prepare, and be a peace over them as they take it. And help them to find their worth in You, no matter what result they see in the end. I also pray for Ben's grandmother. Pneumonia can be a really scary thing for the elderly, and I ask that You rest on the hearts and minds of her and her family so that they can fully trust in You, that You empower the doctors' hands and minds to do what they need to do. And, Lord, please be with Zendra's aunt and uncle. Bring Your love and healing into their home... bind their wounds and empower them to forgive like only you can. And please, guard their children from hurt and harm through all of it. Finally, please be over every difficulty we were too scared to voice, please show everyone in this room how much You love them and how incredible of a privilege it is that they get to love you. And Lord, please help them to know that I love them too, and I'll be there for them no matter what. In Jesus's Name I pray... amen."

We all chorus the last word and open our eyes, and everyone starts to stand up and head out of the room. "I love you guys, I'll see you on Wednesday," Zane calls as they go.

I go to end my call, but he turns and looks at me before I can. "Stay on a minute, will you?" he asks quietly.

My stomach twists over on itself as I nod and force a smile. That's what I was afraid of.

Legend is last out of the room, offering me a small smile and wave before he goes, responding quietly to Zane's enthusiastic goodbye. The door shuts behind him, and my youth pastor looks back at me, offering me a more serious smile.

"As good as it is to see your face," he says, "I'm gonna switch you to regular call so we can talk better if that's okay."

I nod, still fighting down a nauseous feeling in my stomach. The camera is covered by his hand for a moment, then the video feed switches off, and I raise my phone to my ear.

"Can you hear me alright?" Zane asks on the other end.

"Yeah."

Maybe I should have faked a bad connection.

"Perfect." He hesitates, probably sits down, before his tone becomes a lot more serious. "So how are you holding up, Ni?"

"I'm good." I can only hope the smile in my voice is convincing. "It's definitely nice to be able to get away from school for a while after everything with Zach."

"I'm sure," he agrees. "What about the stuff online? Has it calmed down since your dad and uncle addressed it yesterday?"

"Um, I guess so." Please sound convincingly unbothered. "I wasn't really paying attention to it. I didn't even see their posts."

That much is true... I've been too ashamed to look.

"Well, it's not just them," he tells me. "Pretty much every Christian artist ever has reposted it."

My stomach tightens all over again. Is that true? "I think you're exaggerating on that one, Zane," I sigh. I hope he is.

"Maybe," he laughs. "but only a little."

Fantastic. God, I hate myself.

I don't say anything, and I hear him sigh a little sadly on the other line. "Nila, I'm gonna be honest with you for a minute. I'm worried about you... really worried. God's had you on my heart non-stop since you left. I know you have you dad and your uncle and the rest of your family and the band, but I just... I feel like you think you've gotta hold it together for all of us. And that really worries me."

"Zane, I know everything online looked really bad," I say quietly. "But I swear... I'm really okay."

He's quiet for a minute, but I'm at a loss for what else to say. "Nila, just promise me this," he says at last. "Whether or not you've ever done it or thought about doing it before, shoot me a text before you hurt yourself. Please."

I desperately blink back the tears that start to fill my eyes. "I swear I never have," I tell him with as much strength as I can muster. "But I promise I will."

I am such a filthy liar.

"Okay. Thank you." But it's clear by his tone that I didn't do much to ease his anxiety. "Do you have time to talk about one more thing?"

"Course."

"A few weeks ago, in Sunday School, you mentioned something," he begins. "We were in John 3, and you were making fun of your younger self because you underlined something completely random, right?"

"Yeah..." I say uncertainly.

"It was John 3:2, but just a little part of it. I haven't been able to stop thinking about it," Zane goes on. "It just seemed so incredibly profound, and I didn't even know why. But then I was praying for you the other day, and I think God showed me something."

Crap.

"You've been having nightmares, haven't you?"

The question makes my heart stop for a moment, breaks the unsteady hold I had on my tears in an instant. "What?"

"Nightmares. Since you got home. Right?"

"I..." I want to lie, but I know the tears so obviously in my voice have already given me away. "Yes." It comes out a whisper. "Who told you?"

"Jesus did, Ni," he replies gently. "Do you wanna talk about them? I'm here for you if you do."

"No." I could never admit to my youth pastor the disgusting things I've discovered about myself. "I'm okay."

"Let me know if you change your mind," he replies evenly. "But when God showed me that you'd been dealing with, that verse and its importance suddenly made so much sense."

"What do you mean?" I whisper, still crying.

"He came to Jesus at night. That's what you had highlighted, Ni."

I swallow hard as I realize where he's going with this.

"He came to Him at night. In the middle of the night, here NIcodemus was, desperately needing to talk to Jesus, and He was there for him, all there. That's something you've gotta understand, Nila. In the middle of the night, when you're seeing things you don't wanna talk about, you don't wanna think about, Jesus is right there. He's waiting for you to come to Him, in the middle of the night, with all of your doubt and fear and pain and shame. He's there for you. Okay? I know it seems simple, but I..." I hear a little moisture in his voice. "I just needed you to know."

I'm helpless against the water pouring down my face. "Thanks, Zane." It's all I trust myself to say.

"I love you, Nila," he tells me seriously. "But more importantly than that, Jesus loves you. Can I pray with you before you hang up?"

"Sure."

I spend the entire prayer crying, and a good five minutes after he lets me go, charging me to call him if I need anything, doing the same.

And even when I've stopped, I know I'm in no shape to go be around everyone. So instead, I open Instagram, which I haven't been on since yesterday. Instead of addressing my new boatload of notifications, I navigate to the for KING & COUNTRY page. True to what Zane said, I see a text post you swipe to read, the first screen reading Important Message.

We want to start off by saying that we know most of you have been on our page with this from the beginning. We've seen some of you speaking truth, and so many others just hanging back and not adding to the noise. We have been blessed with an incredible fanbase, and we are not foolish enough to believe that has changed because of a few very loud voices. That said, something has been going on that we need to address.

At a concert on Friday night, we brought our daughter/niece, Nila, on stage with us to dedicate the first live performance of a new song called God Only Knows to her. She'd been going through a tough season, and we wanted to encourage her and make sure she and everyone else in the arena knew that she was loved and there was a brighter day on the horizon. After that concert, she was interviewed in the lobby after accidentally stumbling into it while goofing off with our bandmate @whataboutvince who ended up saving her when the reporter started pushing for answers she wasn't ready to give.

The article that was published about that interview started a storm of accusations, speculations, and comments about our girl that absolutely broke our hearts when we found out about them today. Some of it was caused by teenage bullying, but that was fed by others believing what they said. In addition, much of it was caused by people making speculations and casting judgement without having anywhere close to the whole story.

We are not trying to condemn anyone involved... all we ask is that all of this stops. Nila is absolutely precious to us, and we are prouder of her than we can even begin to put into words. She is a wonderful, beautiful girl after Jesus's heart with everything she has, who lights up every room she walks into. She's hurting right now, but she is still the same Nila she has always been. Please, join us in loving on her and praying for her in this season and every one that will follow it. But don't think you know the full story, because you don't, and you won't until Nila is ready for that.

We love you all, and we know so many of you have just been waiting for us to step in and say something, because you've hated to watch all of it go down. We regret the fact that we didn't know until now, or else please know we would have done something so much sooner. @nismallbone don't you dare forget how absolutely priceless you are. - j&l

At this point, I don't know if I'm crying again or if I just never stopped. Buried in more comments I'm not brave enough to read, I find the other posts Zane was talking about, each a repost of the first with something that adds to the waterworks written in the description.

courtneysmallbone_ I love my babygirl @nismallbone so much and honestly if people don't stop this mamabear is not going to be able to be nice. Baby, you're priceless. Haters, get lost. Her brothers may be younger than her, but when I told them why I was upset, they ran to their rooms and brought out lightsabers before asking me where the people who were mean to their sister were so WATCH OUT.

moriahsmallbone This fierce Latina aunt got the calling her husband in tears out of the way, and she is going to start kicking some tails if people don't shut up. Also, I know people @bianca.peters who can read mean usernames on live tv so get back. @nismallbone keep your head up mi hija you're better than them.

joelsmallbone @nismallbone I love you so very much and you are so very priceless

smallboneluke My daughter is more precious to me than I will ever be able to put into words. @nismallbone darling, I love you so much. Keep your head up, I'll be here for you every step of the way.

tonyxpat We love this girl @nismallbone so much. Our hija's familia is our familia and that means Nila. Please remember to treat people like they are God's creation and kiddos because they are.

whataboutvince Y'all better back off my best friend.

tobymac Please... speak life. I may not know @nismallbone well, but you only have to meet her once to know that she is truly a light in this world. Nila, keep your head up, don't you ever let up. The Mckeehans got your back, and we are praying for you.

rebeccast.james As an aunt, I'm heartbroken. As a Christian, I'm disappointed. Even if every rumor about my niece was true, can someone please tell me what Jesus would say to her? @nismallbone I love you

johnlcooper So eloquently yet firmly put. Bravo. @nismallbone you are loved

koreycooper Love you @nismallbone

mikedonehey This girl is so precious... it breaks my heart to see what people have been saying about her. @nismallbone Jesus is gonna get you through this, and we will be with you every step of the way. We love you and we're praying for you hard.

bianca.peters They messed with my niece and upset my little sister I WILL read usernames on live tv TRY ME. @nismallbone you're a queen sometimes you've just gotta tell people to shut the hell up.

kb_hga @nismallbone is my girl but she's also Jesus's watch what you say about her. Love you, Ni, stay strong

andymineo @nismallbone you precious child of God don't you listen to a thing they say about you.

coltondixonmusic This young woman is such a light. @nismallbone sending love from me and Annie

mandisaofficial @nismallbone stay strong my darling He's making something beautiful out of all of this I PROMISE.

itsbrittnicole Words are so powerful. Please use them for good. @nismallbone can I say it? You are worth more than gold, Baby.

biancaalexasantos I don't make movies like Priceless so that people can treat my baby girl like trash. @nismallbone I love you

mattsmallbone Love @nismallbone so much. So proud of Joel and Luke for the way they speak in grace and truth.

nfrealmusic People are like birds... see a weakness and go in for the kill. @nismallbone don't let em get to you.

michaeltait @nismallbone YOU ARE PRICELESS. Don't you listen to what broken people have to say because your God has the final say on you. I LOVE YOU and I'm praying.

newsboysdrummer I am calling the church to be better. @nismallbone sending love and prayers

manicdrive @nismallbone I promise you it's gonna get better

timtebow Few things upset me more than the church doing this to people... especially people so young, especially when they're already hurting. @nismallbone I know I don't know you but I am praying for you and believing in God's plan and purpose for your life.

legitsadierob Let's step up and speak life. @nismallbone you're a gem, you're His kiddo, don't believe anything else.

wearemessengers These men are truly amazing. If it was my daughter I don't know that I could be so kind. @nismallbone You are beautiful and treasured and we are praying for you.

matthewjwest As a father, I can't imagine what it would be like to see people do this to one of my daughters. Please know that your words have power. @nismallbone we love you and we're praying for you.

mrsmwest Seeing everything people were saying about this beautiful young lady had me, my husband, and both our daughters in tears. Please be better. @nismallbone you are so so loved

markhallcc If we are the Body... why do we do this to people? @nismallbone we love you.

And they keep going. I know I should feel loved, and I do... but I also feel so unworthy. I hate myself. God, I hate myself. And I just can not do this anymore.

Well that sucked I'm late what else is new I love you and I'm sorry I'm so bad at life.