Guys I haven't updated this since September. I am so, so, so sorry. I swear I will try to do better. Thanks for sticking with me. Please let me know what you think. I love y'all.

The Last Night // Skillet

Nila

The Skillet fam comes along as we head out to the eatery, so I spend the time with Alexandria, who's been a close friend of mine ever since our parents first toured together on Winter Jam, which was just shortly after I was adopted. We're about the same age, and she's super chill... a lot more lowkey and less boy crazy than Luna, which I have to admit is sometimes a huge relief.

I don't know what my dad has told John and Korey or how much they've passed onto her and her younger brother, Xavier. But everybody saw dad and Joel's thing last night, not to mention the fact that she's pretty active on social media, so she obviously knows a shadow of what's going on.

She doesn't act any different, though, which is definitely a relief. She's just the same goofy, carefree friend she's always been, and I think that's exactly what I need right now... someone who helps me forget the monster I've become for a little while.

The restaurant is good, as we were promised, but that doesn't change the fact that I feel sick to my stomach after the first bite. I eat what I have to and cut up what I must so that it looks like crumbs rather than the better part of my meal.

Dad's glance at my plate is brief, and for a second I think I've fooled him, based on the way he stays casual and responds to something Uncle Daniel is saying without even looking back or for longer.

But that hope sinks as he leans over to whisper in my ear. "Try to eat a little more, please. You're doing great."

There's nothing I can do but be obedient, putting a little more of the meal into my mouth and pushing a lot more around my plate like I think it'll make it disappear.

Still engaging in conversation, still being casual and not drawing attention to me, Dad wraps an arm around my shoulders and rubs one gently. A moment later, he's whispering in my ear again.

"Three more, for me."

That gives my struggle a finish line, and I obey just because I'm so desperate to be done. When I am, my father kisses the top of my head, murmuring like before.

"Good job."

I feel pathetic, like I'm a child, because it's ridiculous that my father is having to coax and beg me to eat. But I just can't help it.

It's not long after I set my fork down that we're heading back to the venue. There're only a few hours before showtime, and it seems like there's always work to do up until the very last moment.

When we're back, I walk with Alexandria back to the Skillet bus, trying to give her my full attention as we chat about school and she tells me about the online presentation she has to do on Monday, which sounds like hell.

When we're there and the conversation has come to a halt, I start to raise my hand in farewell and turn away, but I'm stopped by an adult voice from the trailer door.

"Wait, Nila..." I turn around again to meet Korey's gaze. "Come in for a minute," she tells me with a welcoming smile. "John and I want to talk to you for a minute."

My stomach drops, but I force my expression to match her own and obediently follow Alexandria up the steps and into the bus. Without being told or saying anything, she heads to the back of the little home, and I can only assume Xavier is already there. I also see no sign of Seth or Jen.

John, however, is sitting on the main couch, and he uses his head to motion me over, smiling like his wife did.

I want to sprint out of here as fast as possible, but that's not an option, so I reluctantly cross the room and sit down beside him like he's asking me to. Korey closes the door behind me before following, taking a seat across from us. But John gets up, patting my shoulder briefly before walking in the direction that his daughter just disappeared.

"We'll talk in a second," he says as he does.

"That's because I obviously get to go first," his wife tells me, reaching over to take both of my hands in hers. "And I want to start off by saying that we love you. We've known you since you were a little girl, and you've been one of our daughter's best friends since then as well. We care about you so much... it feels like you're part of our little family. And we are very proud of you. Yes?"

I'm still trying to keep things casual, so I fabricate another smile. "That's so sweet, Korey. I love y'all too."

She squeezes my hands gently. "Now I know you're very close to your father and your uncle and they've made it clear you can talk to them about anything. And I also know you have likewise relationships with your mother and Moriah. But, another thing I'm aware of is that there are certain things better discussed girl-to-girl, and you may not always want to talk to your mother or another member of your family about them. That's what I'm here for."

"Okay..." I say uncertainly.

"Nila," she presses forward, "I saw the way you were pushing around the food on your plate today. Your father was doing a beautiful job of encouraging you, but when I asked him about it, he told me that you haven't been eating enough for days. Do you wanna tell me why?"

I shrug, looking away from her concerned, genuine gaze. "I just haven't been hungry."

"He also told me that a classmate who you grew up with has been telling you that you're overweight."

"That's not why..."

But she cuts me off. "You don't have to pretend to be unaffected by bullying. It doesn't make it go away."

"I know she's just being a jerk," I counter, but my tone is the most utterly unconvincing thing in the world.

"Do you know she's lying to you?"

I force my eyes up to hers and the sincerity written in them. But when I open my mouth, no words come out.

She's not lying. Why do people insist on telling me she is?

I try again. "Of course, I do."

But I know how unconvincing that was.

"Nila, listen to me," Korey says, her tone filled with an unbelievable amount of kindness. "I know you're used to hearing you're perfect just the way you are, and that's true. But girl to girl, we need to talk about something else. You are not overweight. You are actually incredibly thin. Healthy, because that's how you're built, but slim. Alright? And if that's not how you're seeing yourself, there's something wrong."

"Korey..." I start, but she shakes her head.

"Being insecure about your body is normal... all women deal with it. But if you truly believe that you need to lose weight, there is something else going on."

It's hard to focus through the screaming voices in my head, insisting that she's wrong. And through the whisper of doubt that's saying she might be right. I shove them all away. I'm not blind. I can see my body the way it is. But I'm not going to argue with her.

"I don't believe that," I say as steadily as I can. "I swear."

"So why haven't you been eating?"

"Like I said, I just haven't been hungry."

She sighs. "Sweetheart, I'm not trying to say there's something wrong with you. I'm just telling you that you may be looking through some tinted glasses when you see yourself, and you may need a little help getting them off."

The analogy reminds me about something Zane said once about seeing yourself in a broken mirror, but I shove that thought away as well.

"Korey, I mean it, I really don't believe her. It's just a coincidence that I haven't been eating as much."

It's clear by the look on her face that she doesn't believe me, but she knows I'm not a child, and she's only going to push so much.

"If you change your mind," she tells me softly. "My door is always open. I'm not gonna judge you or try to fix you... I'm just gonna love you and try to help you. I know your momma and your aunts feel the same way. Alright?"

I nod, forcing another smile. "You're the best, Korey."

"I love you, Nila," she reinforces. "I love you a lot."

"I love you too." But I couldn't hold her gaze when she said it.

She squeezes my hands one last time before releasing me and getting to her feet.

"John wants to chat too, so don't go anywhere." She says it lightly, like a joke, but the reminder still makes my stomach tie itself into an even tighter knot than before.

She vanishes in the back like the others, and a moment later, her husband replaces her.

He sits down where he was before and looks at me with what appears to be casual curiosity.

"So, how are you, Nila?" he asks. "It's been a while since we've seen you."

For what feels like the millionth time, I create an expression of happiness that I don't feel. "I'm good. I've missed y'all, though."

"We've missed you too," he tells me genuinely. "And you know what else? I've missed your smile yesterday and today. Your real one. You've seemed pretty down, even though I can tell you're trying not to. What's up?"

Now, I'm faking confusion. "Nothing's up. I'm fine. I feel great."

"I suppose that one's worked real well on your dad and uncle, huh?" he asks.

I open my mouth to respond, but he doesn't wait for it.

"I don't know you as well as they do, but it's not gonna work on me either, Sweetheart. I love you, and I'd really like it if you told me what's going on."

"Nothing's going on, John," I insist. "Seriously, I'm fine."

"Joel told me what that guy did to you the other day, and that it wasn't the only tough thing you'd dealt with lately."

I can't help but look away from the sadness and concern in his gaze.

"And Alexandria showed me what people have been saying online."

"Oh, yeah..." I force myself to laugh a little. "People come up with some weird stuff."

"Does your dad know about it?" he asks.

I bite my lip as I nod, trying not to think about it. "Um... yeah. Yeah, of course he does."

"Good." John hesitates before going on. "Nila, Sweetheart, can you look at me for minute?"

I force my eyes back to his, just managing a fake, trembling smile.

"I've seen a lot of hurting people in my life," he explains quietly. "A lot of hurting people. And God has given me a gift where I can see their pain without them telling me what it is. When I'm singing "Those Nights", not only will He point out someone who needs a special touch, but I can usually tell why. It's something in their eyes, in their posture, not just in the clothes they're wearing but in how they're wearing them. I can see people who are struggling with addiction. I can see people who are being abused. And I can see people who are looking to pain as a way out of everything they're dealing with. I can see people who are a breath away from giving up."

I know he's right. I've seen it in the way he looks at the people around him, whether he's on stage, in a signing line, or at the grocery store. He sees through people like they're made of paper. I hate that I've become such a monster that his gift scares me now. It's all I can do to hold his gaze, and I don't trust myself to speak.

"So," he continues gently. "I'm not saying this because people said it online. I'm not saying this because you've been wearing long sleeves."

Oh, God, please no.

"I'm saying this because I look at you and I know." He reaches out, gently laying a hand on my arm. "Nila, you are worth so much more than cutting yourself. Okay? So much more."

It takes everything inside of me not to break down and cry, and I know that's leaving my ability to lie horribly weakened.

"John, I'm not..." I falter. "I don't cut. I swear. I..."

He shakes his head, and I see tears in his eyes. "Sweetheart, it's okay. You don't need to lie to me. I love you."

"I know that, John." Seeing him cry broke the last line of defense against me doing the same, and I can feel my eyes filling. "I... I'm not lying."

He sighs sadly. "Does your daddy know?"

"There's nothing to know," I try desperately. "I promise! I..."

Once again, he's shaking his head with moisture in his eyes. "Nila, I'm not gonna make you show me. But if I think he doesn't know, I'm gonna have to tell him, and then he's gonna need you to show him. So, if he does know, he's gonna tell me the truth anyway, and I know you don't want to have that conversation."

Finally, I tear my gaze away from his, fixing my eyes on the carpet beneath my feet. The silence stretches on for an agonizingly long moment as John waits to hear my final answer. And I have to face that fact that he's right. He knows he's right, and he'll tell Dad if he thinks he doesn't know. I don't want to imagine that conversation, Dad sadly nodding and saying he knows, looking at me and telling me for the millionth time that I don't need to be ashamed and he loves me more than I will ever know...

"He knows." The words come out a whisper, and when they have, I start to cry for real, the tears sliding down my face with nothing I can do to stop them.

Before I know what's happening, John's arms are wrapping around me, his hand coming up with press my face into his shirt while the other one rubs my back.

"It's gonna be okay." It's so obvious right now how much practice he has not only as a dad, but also comforting people like me. "You're gonna be just fine."

It's a few minutes before I finally get a hold of myself and manage to stop crying. When I have, I pull back, feeling that usual wave of shame hit me as I stare at the floor.

"I'm so sorry, John." My voice sounds so pathetically small. "I just... I'm so sorry."

"Hey..." His voice is serious and firm, but no less gentle. "You have nothing to apologize for, Nila. I am not angry with you. I just love you, and I cannot bear to see you hurt yourself before coming to someone with what you're dealing with."

"I haven't been anymore." It's the least I can try to convince him of. "I haven't done it since... since my parents and Joel and Moriah found out."

It's not that much of a lie. I've only done it once since then.

"Nila, I hope that's true because I love you," John tells me. "But you don't need to justify yourself to me, okay? I will continue to love you, no matter what."

I don't answer, just staring at the ground miserably.

He exhales slowly. "One more thing, Nila. And I need you to look at me again."

As much as it hurts to, I give him what he's asking for.

"The next time you have any thought that says we'd be better off without you, or you'd be better off dead, or anything like that, I need you to tell your dad, or your mom, or your aunt or uncle, or me or Korey... someone. You've got to."

God no. Please, God, no. I can't... he can't...

Hopefully, my panic will come off as genuine confusion.

"John, I don't... I don't want to die," I tell him desperately. "I swear. I promise, I don't think like that. I... I..."

He hushes me with a gently upraised hand. "If you ever do have thoughts like that..." But it's clear by the expression in his eyes that he doesn't believe me. "I need you to promise me you'll tell someone. I need you to promise you'll let us keep you safe. Alright?"

"Of course, John," I say hurriedly, trying not to think about how I'm lying again because there's no way that's gonna happen. "I would never..." I falter at the sad prompting in his eyes. "I promise." That part comes out a whisper.

"Thank you."

I jump on the chance to get out of here, rising quickly and taking a step toward the door. "I should get..."

"Nila..." The single word and how he says it is enough to stop me in my tracks and make me turn to face him again. "I love you."

And he pulls me into another hug.

I inhale shakily, struggling not to start crying again. "I love you too," I whisper. "Thanks for everything."

He lets me go, and I turn and rush out of the bus.