The Devil is a Liar // We Are Messengers

Nila

The venue is set up differently than most, and it takes a good twenty minutes of searching before I find the guys in a backstage lounge, playing a favorite game of theirs called "Puck-It". Basically, there's a board with a wall in the middle and a small opening in the center of the wall. Each side has an elastic cord and each player has a certain number of pucks that they use the elastic to shoot through the opening, to the other person's side. First person to get all of the pucks on the other person's side wins. The boys are obsessed.

Danny's about to beat Mark and everyone is screaming encouragement to one or the other of them at the top of their lungs, so I decide to just wait until this round is over. Attempting to talk over the top of them at this point would be useless anyway.

I glance around the room to make sure everyone is here. I confirm that fact, but the weird thing is, Vince is sitting off to the side, staring at his phone. That's super rare. Usually, he's at the center of whatever chaos is going on, or at least cheering the others on in the rare case that he isn't the instigator. But maybe he's texting his wife or something.

Finally, Daniel gets the" last puck over to Mark's side, and they all erupt into their cheering or booing. I wait until they've quieted down a little to attempt to speak, clearing my throat meaningfully.

"If y'all are done wasting your lives on that stupid game, Joel wants to know if you want to come with us to eat at some local place that's supposed to be really good."

"If it's food, I'm in," Lynch replies, grabbing his phone from the table beside him.

They basically function in a hive mind most of the time, so everyone else is quick to agree as well. Vince gets to his feet with the rest of them, but he's still looking at his phone screen. What on earth could be so... oh no.

Like a confirmation of all my worst fears, as everyone starts to stream out of the room, he looks up and gestures me over to him with a quick jerk of his head.

Okay. They were gonna find out eventually. Just take a deep breath and play it cool.

"What?" I ask as I obediently cross the room.

He looks at me for a long moment, then slowly hands me his phone, his face serious. "When were you planning to tell us about this, Kiddo?"

Sure enough, as I take the device and look down at it, one of those horrible threads on Twitter is displayed on the screen.

"Oh, that." I hope this sounds believable. "I don't know... I guess I didn't really think to. It's just trolls doing their thing, so who cares?"

He frowns as I hand the phone back. "We do, Nila. I do. That's not okay, and it needs to stop."

"It's the internet, Vince," I reply easily, turning towards the door so I don't have to control my face. "That's just the way it goes."

I'm stopped by his hand on my shoulder, turning me to face him once again. "Nila, look at me."

I reluctantly obey.

"This needs to stop, Sweetheart."

As if him calling me that didn't put me in enough trouble, I'm shocked to hear tears behind his voice.

"And I'm not just talking about the stuff online, though it does. I'm talking about you trying to do everything by yourself... about you pushing us away and acting like you're fine when you're not. You think you're supposed to be some skewed idea of perfect, some posterchild for the band. Nila, you are perfect, exactly the way you are, even when you're broken. We are never gonna see anything but the same beautiful, priceless, light of a girl that we always have when we look at you. When you don't let us love all of you, when you don't let us help you and support you, that breaks our hearts. So please, Nila, let us in again."

I take a deep breath, desperately fighting not only the tears that want to get out, but also any evidence that they do.

"Vince, I swear... I wasn't trying to hide anything. I just don't care what idiots on the internet have to say about me."

He exhales slowly. "Nila, what would you do if people were saying these things about Eva, or Jude, or Phoenix, or Leo? Now, or years down the road when they're your age, how would that make you feel?"

"Vince, that's..."

"No. How would you feel?"

I stare at the ground miserably. "Horrible. Angry. Sad."

"Would you want them to just sit there and not do anything about it or even tell anyone?"

"No." The word comes out a whisper.

He reaches out, gently squeezing my shoulder and keeping his hand there. "Sweetheart..." Those tears that were choking his voice are present in his eyes now. "that's exactly how we feel when this stuff happens to you, and when you don't tell us about it."

"It's different with me," I say softly.

"Do you know how much we love you, Nila?"

"So how can you say it's different?" He's asking a genuine question, doing more than arguing with me and actually wanting to hear what I'm thinking. Except, I don't know what to say.

"Because..." I choke on my words. So much for not showing that I'm about to cry. "Because everything they're saying is true, Vince!"

I didn't mean for those words to come out. I don't know what I wanted to say instead, but I was determined not to let myself say that, and now I can't take it back. It's in the air, and his eyes are filling for real this time.

His lips press together for a moment, and he swallows hard, obviously trying to fight those tears for my sake.

"Alright, sit down." The words are choked and barely audible, more evidence that I just tore out his heart.

That's all I do anymore. When did I become this horrible monster who just hurts people and hurts people and... I can't do this anymore.

But there's no escaping this conversation, so I obediently, resignedly, follow his example and sink down on the couch he was sitting on before. He tilts to face me, but his eyes are on his phone again.

He swallows hard, but he's still crying as he starts to read.

"Nila Smallbone literally disgusts me as a person. She..." He chokes and has to try again. "She's been so over-the-top joyful, so all-about-God and into the Priceless movement, this entire time, and now we find out that she goes around kissing guys when she said she was saving it and is possibly a cutter? I am too disappointed for words right now, and even more so because her father and uncle have failed to comment and apologize for her behavior."

"Vince..." He shakes his head wordlessly, scrolling a little and beginning to read again.

"Nila Smallbone is either a real drama queen, or all of this is being staged. She literally has a perfect life, so if she's actually going through this stuff that they were talking about, I'd just love to see it. Like what, did she break a nail? God, some people."

He hesitates again, navigating somewhere else, but this time I don't have the words to try to explain or argue. I said what I said, and I can't say I didn't mean it. It was still true, after all. Everything he just read is still true.

He takes a deep breath before he starts to read again, his voice breaking slightly when he does. Soon it becomes clear he's reading from an article. "Everything that's come out about the Smallbones recently has left all of our heads spinning. From what Joel and Luke did on stage last night, to the interview where Nila freaked out when asked first about saving her first kiss, and later about what her adopted father and uncle were referring to, to the things classmates are now claiming about her on social media, and the silence of her family on said social media... no one knows what to believe. Nila has been a posterchild for, for KING & COUNTRY's Priceless movement for years, but now it seems that she might not have been quite honest about her opinions on love. She hasn't even commented on the post claiming that she kissed a boy, and that seems to scream guilty to me. I don't usually put a lot of weight in the drama that people make of Christian celebrities' lives, but this is honestly disappointing, because she really has been lying to us, and she was never the good role model we thought of her as. Hopefully Luke speaks up soon to apologize for her behavior and the drama it's caused."

Vince sets his phone down and looks at me, his eyes still wet.

"So," he says softly, "you think what all of those people are saying is true?"

I open my mouth, but nothing comes out. I can't say yes, even if it's true, and I can't say no, because it's such a lie and somehow my mouth won't form the words. So, I just close it again, my eyes fixed on the carpet, and shrug miserably.

"Nila, Sweetheart, listen..." he starts, but I can hear some version of the Priceless Speech coming, and I just can't take that right now.

"No, Vince, look," I cut him off. "What are they saying? That I told them all along I was saving my first kiss and then I went and kissed a boy? I did. That I've always been Little Miss Priceless and now I'm just a screwed-up loser? That's true. That I need to pull it together because I have a perfect life? Completely fair. That I'm a..." I squeeze my eyes shut against a sudden rush of tears. "that I'm a cutter? I am, Vince! Can you find the lie for me, please, because all I see is a whole bunch of dirty truths!"

Again, that wasn't supposed to come out of my mouth. But it's truth. It's all true, and I'm sick of being told it's not.

"Nila." He lays stress on my name, and it sounds so broken that it kills me. "What if my Eva got a little older and decided she was saving her first kiss, just like Mo? What if she told everyone and meant it from the bottom of her heart, and then a bully got a boy to pin her to a wall and kiss her against her consent? Would you say she lied?"

My head drops. God, why does he have to be right?

"No," I whisper defeatedly.

"Would you call her a screwed-up loser just because she was human and struggled?"

"No."

"What if on the outside her life looked pretty perfect?"

"No."

"And what if..." He chokes again, obviously hating to imagine it. "what if everything hurt her so much that she looked to pain as a way out? Would you love her any less? Would she be any less priceless to you?"

"No."

He spreads his hands helplessly. "Nila, you are no different! Please, Kiddo, you can't listen to them! I don't care how convincing they sound... they are lying to you!"

Now's when I really start to cry. "I'm sorry," I choke out. "Vince, I'm so..."

He reaches out, softly squeezing my shoulder. "Nila, it's not like that. I love..."

I can't hear that right now. "I'm sorry," I repeat, pulling away from his hand.

I don't have to look up at him to know he feels completely helpless and looks it too. I hear him take a breath, but the words go unsaid, and we just sit here in that tense desperate silence.

Finally, I look up, both pleading and hopeless at the same time. "Vince." It comes out a whisper. "Please don't..."

He knows me too well, and he cuts me off because I know that he knows what I'm going to say. "Kiddo, please don't ask me to do that."

I finish anyway, because I'm simply desperate. "Please don't tell Dad and Joel."

"Nila..." He starts, and I cut him off.

"Vince, they..."

"Nila."

This time, the word comes from the door, and accent makes my heart drop. Oh, God, please no. But sure enough, as I look in that direction, my eyes find my father and uncle standing in the doorway. The heartbroken looks on their faces make it clear that wasn't the only thing they heard.

"He doesn't need to, Darling," Dad finishes as I lock eyes with him.

I look from him, to Joel, and back again, my mouth opening but no words coming out.

Yeah, I've done it now. Why can't I just learn to... I don't know... stop existing so I stop causing problems?

Joel exhales slowly, breaking the silence. "Alright, let's talk," he says softly, and he and Dad cross the room, each grabbing a chair and pulling it up to face Vince and me. I allow my chin to drop and my eyes to close, unable to look them in the face anymore.

"We were just on Twitter and Instagram," Dad sighs. "And our Google feeds, with all the articles. And, Darling, I am so, so sorry."

I shake my head weakly, opening my eyes but not lifting them from the floor. "Dad, really, it's fine. Don't worry about it."

"It was never fine, Love," he tells me quietly. "And after what I just heard you say, it really isn't now."

"Forget that," I try, though I know it'll be useless. "I didn't mean it... I know it was wrong. I'm sorry."

"You didn't do anything wrong, Nila," Joel counters. "Words are powerful, and they can do so much damage. We'd just like to try to undo whatever we can, okay?"

"It's not..." I falter. "You don't need to do that. It's fine. I'm fine."

A soft sigh escapes my father's lips, a sad sound. But he doesn't respond to the statement directly, just moving on in a firm way of telling me that's not going to work.

"We could only find posts from about the last twelve hours," he tells me. "But how long has this been going on?"

"Only that long," I reply, shrugging a little. "It just kind of... exploded."

"Okay." He takes a deep breath. "And what about the interview in the article? That was the lady you mentioned from last night?"

I nod miserably.

"And what about the messages you were looking at when I walked up yesterday?" Vince asks. "Did that have anything to do with this?"

I open my mouth to deny it, but as I look at the three men sitting around me, I see in their eyes that they already know the truth. I exhale slowly.

"I'm pretty sure Joel already saw."

Afterall, I didn't turn off my phone screen before I threw the phone, and it hadn't been very long since then when Joel came in and found it. And he's nodding now, confirming the logic.

"I didn't want to violate your privacy, Darling, but when I picked up the phone it caught my eye, and I knew I needed to know."

I don't answer, fixing my eyes on the carpet again.

Dad takes a deep breath, reaching out and taking my hand. "Darling, is that why you haven't been eating?"

I shake my head without looking at him. "Of course not. I just haven't been hungry."

"You know she's lying to you, don't you?" Joel asks softly. "There's nothing she said that's even a little bit true."

"I know." Because that's what they want to hear.

"But you don't know that about the people online," Vince puts in quietly, his tone making it clear he doesn't really believe me about the other issue either.

I take a deep, shaky breath. "I didn't mean it like that." God, I'm such a bad liar. "I just meant that if you take what they've been told, you can't really fault them for saying what they're saying, because according to what they know, it's kinda true."

"Nila," Dad murmurs. "just hear us out, okay? You haven't lied to anyone. What happened with Zach was not your fault, and he did it without your consent and gave you no choice in the matter. You did not kiss him... you were assaulted by him. You haven't compromised your values, and you have also not compromised your value."

"You are not overreacting to anything," Vince adds steadily. "You do not have a perfect life. There is so much pain in your past, and you are going through so much now. Don't let anyone tell you that you have no right to hurt, because you have every right to hurt, and it does not change a thing about who you are."

"And, Darling..." Joel reaches out, taking the hand that Dad isn't already holding. "The cuts on your arm don't either. You are loved. You are beautiful. You are a child of God, and you are justified before Him. You are not broken, there is nothing wrong with you. You are not alone, and you are worth so much more than all the money in the world, so much more than what's been done to you. Those scars do not define you as anything except human, and we could not be any prouder of you than we are. Alright?"

I close my eyes and nod, but tears squeeze out anyway.

How many times have they told me that? How many times have I proved they're wrong, and yet they love me so much that they keep telling me? I hate myself more than words could possibly express, and I am done doing this to them. I'm done messing up their lives.