Just Fall // Anthem Lights

Luke

I bite my lip, watching Nila head into the school building as I slowly pull out. It's so not like her to lie to me like that. I just don't get it. I mean, if she doesn't remember what they're about, why is she so seemingly ashamed of them? Unless she does remember, and she's lying about that too.

I don't like to think that way... after all, she's always been honest with me. But I'm not trying to judge her. I'm just worried about her.

I run back home to make breakfast for Courtney and the kids, then get Jude ready for Preschool, which I take him to at ten before heading to the studio to keep writing the next album.

We don't get early starts for days like this... we keep such a chaotic schedule while we're on tour that we like to just go with whatever when we're not, so Joel's the only one waiting for me when I get there. The rest of the team will no doubt trickle in at their own speed.

He looks up, smiling, as I walk into the room where we usually write.

"G'day, Mate."

I force my own smile in return, sinking into a seat across from where he already is. "G'day," I sigh.

He raises an eyebrow. "Long morning with the kids?"

I shake my head. "Not really. They were pretty good today."

My older brother leans back in his seat, still eying me. "So what's up?"

I shake my head quickly. "Nothing. Why do you think there is?"

He just gives me a long look.

And it slowly sinks in that I'm doing to him exactly what Nila was just doing to me.

I let out a long sigh. "I'm worried about Nila."

Concern flashes over Joel's face. After all, while they obviously aren't as close as she and I are, Joel and Nila are really tight.

"Why?" he prompts, leaning forward in his seat.

"She..." I shake my head slowly, biting my lip. "She's just acting weird lately. A few nights ago, the first one when we were home, I heard her yell, so I went to check on her. At first, she said she was fine, but when I pushed, she said she'd had one of those nightmares that you don't remember after you wake up."

Joel nods slowly, his gaze riveted on me.

"Then," I continue, "this morning, I could tell something was wrong, so I asked, and first she said she was fine, then that she just had a headache, and when I pushed and asked if she'd had anymore nightmares, it took her lying and me calling her on it for her to admit that she'd woken up to one this morning. And she still said she didn't remember it, but that she just didn't want to make we worry, and that's why she'd lied to me. It's just... not like her, I guess."

Joel bites his lip, his expression serious. "You're right, it's not. She knows she can talk to you or me about anything, doesn't she?"

"I asked," I reply heavily, "and she said of course she did."

"Gotcha." He exhales painfully. "Well, I mean... maybe it's nothing. Maybe she's telling the truth about not remembering them and she really just didn't want to worry you." But I can tell by his tone that he doesn't think that's very likely. "But," he adds, confirming my suspicion. "I can see why you're worried. So, let's just keep an eye on her, alright? Love on her a little extra, and make sure she knows we're there for her. Talk to Court, I'll talk to Mo, and they can do the same. Yeah?"

I take a deep breath, nodding. "Yeah. Alright. Thanks."

He inclines his head simply. "Of course, Mate. You know how much I love her and you."

I can't help but smile slightly.

"So," he adds, a bit of a playful smile lighting his eyes. "why, exactly didn't you tell me all of this the first time I asked?"

"Um... I didn't want you to worry?" I reply, tugging a hand through my hair ruefully.

He rubs his hands down his face in exasperation. "And you wonder where she gets it from."

POV Change Sponsored by Elitch Garden

Nila

I'm half an hour early to school, as usual, and I find Luna at our normal meeting point. But she's not by herself. Not that she usually is. She's got a lot of friends... casual friends. Popular friends. They're not tight or anything, but they know each other and like each other and talk in the halls. Honestly, that's one big difference between the two of us. I really don't have very many friends. At least, not that are my own age.

I mean, my Dad's my best friend. Like, I say Luna's my bestie, and per usual definition she is. But Dad and I are way closer on a way deeper level. He's my favorite person. And Joel's my next best friend. Like, obviously it's not in the same way as you're best friends with a classmate or whatnot, but it's still true. And being on tour with Dad makes it so that I'm close with the whole band, especially Vince... not to mention that I keep making long-term friendships with the people they tour with, and even rub shoulders with at festivals and whatnot. Colton Dixon and his wife, Annie, are good friends of mine. John, Seth, Korey, and Jen, from Skillet, are too. Plus a number of others. So I have plenty of friends, just not at school.

Here, to be honest, Luna's my only really good friend. I have a few people from my youth group that I'm pretty close with, and a number of others there that are my casual friends. But I'm just not like my best friend, who wants everyone to love her and succeeds basically all the time.

But the person she's talking to today isn't one of the usual popular girls I find here. It's a boy. A senior. Again. Fantastic.

Luna's draped against her locker, twirling a strand of her red hair around one finger while she chats with the guy, who I recognize to be Charlie. He's not one of the really popular people, but he's on the varsity football team, and still runs with the "in" crowd. He's fairly good looking, but nothing amazing.

Luna sees me over his shoulder, and gives me a look like she's annoyed with the dude, there and gone too fast for him to really notice as he jabbers on about the game last night. Not that it would hurt her to give him a hint that she's not interested. I mean, her body language is honestly saying the exact opposite. The way she's draped against the locker is working to show her picture-perfect body off in a way that's just barely modest, just the same as her tight-but-not-too-tight clothing, with shorts that are just barely not too short, boots that manage to bring even more attention to her legs, and a top that has a low back... but not past that seeming border that makes it too far. The expression on her face says that she's just interested enough to give him a shot but not so interested that it makes it too easy. And it's obvious she's enjoying the conversation, no matter what she's going to try to tell me once it's over.

The problem is, I know she's not actually at all interested in dating the dude. I mean, on one hand, I'm glad. He's not a Christian, and while he might not be a total scumbag, he's certainly one who'll want to push a relationship right up to the borders that are socially acceptable. But I just wish she wouldn't play with them like this... leading them on like she just might be interested until she gets tired of the game and lets the down. Besides, the dude she currently has a crush on isn't much better than Charlie.

I wait, fiddling on my phone, while they finish up the conversation and Charlie finally leaves. Luna sends him off with a flirty little wave, then turns to me.

"Boys," she sighs when he's gone. "Am I right?"

I force a smile. "Like I said, Lun, you're just too dang pretty. You don't see me having these problems, do you? I've never even been asked out."

"That's partially because anyone who knows who your dad is knows better," she replies easily.

I smile for real this time. I love that reputation. I know some people would hate it, but I most certainly don't.

"Anyway," Luna continues. "What's up?"

"You know, the usual," I reply easily. I don't have much to report, but I know she will. "How about you?"

"Same," she says, but I know she doesn't mean it. "My mom's gonna take me shopping to a dress for my cousin's wedding on Saturday, so that's exciting..." And so on.

It honestly is the same as usual, but she's my bestie and I love her, so I listen anyway. At least, I try to listen. But my mind keeps floating back to the dreams. I shudder at the thought. I mean, why? Just why?

Why does it matter?

Because it was disturbing. I want to know where it's coming from. I guess I could Google it. I mean, I have to, don't I? There has to be a logical explanation to this, and when there is, I can stop freaking out about it. Right? Right.

Time-Skip Sponsored by Water World

By the end of the week, I can feel exhaustion threatening to overcome me, and nothing sounds better than sleeping until twelve on Saturday. Because those dreams are nearly nightly anymore. The same thing... people who aren't my parents but I seem to think are, and often me back as a small child, though I'm sometimes my age, and them hurling verbal abuse at me, sometimes hitting me, and usually me waking up just as they threaten some kind of sexual abuse. I don't get it. This doesn't make any sense. But it's exhausting, that's for sure.

I haven't told Dad about any of them, and luckily he hasn't asked. He's been pretty sweet lately, but then so has Joel, so I doubt it's related. I mean, they're just doing the whole priceless thing again. You've gotta love the Smallbones, that's for sure.

I've heard the so-called parents' names a few times, and apparently they're Taylor and Jed. Great. Now my subconscious is naming them. But it's just so weird... so real... almost like... I don't know... something.

But I did some research about nightmares, and I should be fine. They said often they pull things that you didn't even think you had in your mind in the most random way. Which is no doubt what's happening, and it's nothing to worry about. But they also say that they can recall things that you might not remember... moments you've buried in your subconscious. Which is scary.

I know I shouldn't stress about it. There's no way that's the case. But the thing is, I just can't get the doubt out of my mind. I mean, my earliest memories are of when I was about five, growing up in my first foster home, living with these really nice people named Jaela and George. I guess I kind-of assumed I'd been there since I was really little. I've never known anything about my birth family, and I've never cared.

But... what if?

I'm an idiot. That's not possible.

So why am I staring at Wendy's response to the last email I sent... in which I casually asked if she knew anything about my early past... too scared to read it?

Because you're an idiot. Just freaking click, and you'll find out you're freaking out over absolutely nothing.

I take a deep breath, and select the email.

Hey there, Sunshine.

Yeah assistant-teaching is going great. The kids are all so dang cute it kills me lol. I can't wait until graduation in the spring... and then the fall when I can finally get my own class. How's school? What about Luna and Katherine? They don't really keep in touch anymore, so you have to keep me updated on what they're doing. But I guess I should get to what you asked me.

I mean... I was never supposed to really tell you, since you didn't remember... but I guess... you know, it's the classic, they'll find out eventually sort of thing. And you really do have a right to know where you came from. I'd rather you didn't, but you should.

Okay. That doesn't sound good. I swallow hard, and find that I've stopped breathing.

I guess... idk Ni I don't know real details. Your parents' names were Jedidiah and Taylor Verson.

No. She did not just say that.

To put it plainly, they were abusive on a lot of levels. Neighbors heard them yelling all sorts of horrible things, that were probably directed at you. They tried to have an abortion done, but something fell through because of Taylor's drug history. They physically abused you until you were taken away from them when you were four, and George and Jaela took you, just like you remember. They kept an eye on you and so did doctors, but it seemed like you'd forgotten all of what had happened to you for the first few years of your life. I guess it's a suppression of trauma that our minds sometimes do. Anyway, at least for your childhood, we just figured it was better if you didn't know. I really am sorry, Nila, but I hope you won't let it bring you done. They weren't your parents; Luke and Courtney are. They're the parents God chose for you to have, and that's what matters. They're who you're meant to be nurtured by, and it doesn't really matter whose DNA you have.

Anyway, I love you. Hope to hear from you soon, Sunshine.

-Wendy

I feel like all of the air has been knocked out of me. I can't breathe. I can't move. All of it... everything I've been seeing... you mean... it's true?

Oh God, please no.

That... that can't be possible. How could... how could I...

I swallow hard, desperately fighting back the emotion pressing at me to be let through. I know that if I let it win, I won't be able to stop it, and I don't want to hear Mom or Dad hear me crying or something.

I just swallow hard, pushing away everything I just learned, and hit reply.

Girl, don't worry about it. Tbh I was just curious. Like you said, I have an amazing mother and father and I couldn't care less who my birth parents are. My family is just about the best I could ever ask for, and I couldn't be happier. But it is nice to know where I came from, so thanks. 😊

And I go on to answer her questions and chat like normal, just like everything's perfect.

I hit send, and everything tries to hit me again. Don't think. Just don't think.

But... how?