Chapter 27

Just a quick note for y'all... forgive any timeline weirdness and inaccuracies that happen here. Turns out, time passes a lot slower when you're writing than in real life, especially when you completely and totally suck at updating... *cough* me *cough*. So, I'm trying to figure things out and stay good, but since I started writing this when they were still working on the album and now all I want it to be able to bring some of the songs off of Burn the Ships into the book, things aren't always gonna make a whole lotta sense, so I apologize.

Also, joy.Unleashed didn't come to Colorado, so that ruined my life but anyway I'm not claiming to know what happened on it in any way beyond what's clear like ya know how Jen's solo project, LEDGER, opened, and how they first started singing "God Only Knows" live on that tour, and all that jazz. Beyond that, it's all creative embellishment and what woulda been awesome. 😉

God Only Knows // for KING & COUNTRY

It's the joy.Unleashed tour, so we meet Skillet at the first venue, which is about five hours away from Nashville by bus. We pull in a little after one in the afternoon, just about perfect for a good first soundcheck.

I've known John, Korey, Seth, and Jen since a little after I was adopted, so I greet them as the old friends they are, making sure my guard's up to full strength, the pain and shame that seems to be tearing me apart inside nicely hidden under my normal sass and smiles. Because John, especially, is John, and he'll see through the moment I give him the chance. And I don't think I can take that one more time... seeing someone who loves the old me be faced with the broken filth that I've become.

I'm just kicked back in the concert arena, listening to soundcheck and running errands when needed, when my phone buzzes. Katherine, once again from that stupid app. But I'm the one choosing not to block her, so I'm the one to blame and I can't complain.

Just so you know, your youth group friends are starting to crack. Yesterday, they were so sure that they believed your little bff over me. But today? I'd be getting worried if I was you, Ni.

I take a deep breath, struggling to keep myself calm. She's bluffing. She's totally, absolutely, without a doubt, bluffing. My friends know me. They know who I used to be, and that Nila would never cut herself. That Nila was Little Miss Priceless, and that's still who they think I am. They're not gonna believe Katherine, who they know hates me, over Luna, my well-known best friend.

I'm still staring at the text, trying to decide if I should respond or not, and if I should start texting my friends... and Zach... assuring them Katherine's lying, when Vince drops into the seat beside me. Instinctively, I shut my screen off.

"Hey, hey, hey," he greets me. "Did we sound good, or did we sound good?"

They rehearsed a few songs just to get in some last-minute practice before turning over the stage to Skillet.

"Ya know," I quip back, "it all sounded great except for this one part in every single song. It wasn't always the same, but there was constantly something that just didn't sound right. Maybe the bass sometimes... or the cello, or the horn, or even the background vocals... who do we know that sometimes plays all of those things?"

"Ha, ha, ha," he returns. "You think you're funny, don't you? You think you're still that cute little girl who could get away with whatever came out of her mouth, just cuz she bats her eyes at us and no one could resist that."

"Oh, aren't I?" I ask absently before shooting him the briefest of said expressions that were indeed my specialty when I was younger.

He breaks into a smile, chuckling. "Indeed you are... unfortunately."

"That's what I thought."

He rolls his eyes before turning them to the black screen of my phone.

"So... who was that?"

I meet his gaze innocently. "Who was what?"

"Oh, don't who was what me, little missy," he shoots back. "You think you're real smooth, but I saw the way you shut that off as soon as I showed up."

"Um, yeah, cuz being on your phone while you're talking to someone is rude," I reply sassily. "Everyone knows that."

"Oh, everyone knows that," he mimics in a ridiculously high voice. "Seriously, little lady, spill. Was it a boy?"

I exhale in exasperation, rolling my eyes. "Oh my gosh, Vince, decompress. It was not a boy."

"Are you sure? Cuz if it was, we're all gonna beat him up... right after we beat that other one up."

"Beating the other one up is fully okay with me," I reply, "but he's the only one, I mean it."

"Okay, so who was it?"

"I wasn't even texting. I was checking my grades."

He makes a noise like I just missed a question on a game show or something. "Now I know you're lying, cuz I got a good enough glimpse to see that you were most definitely on a messaging thread."

I open my mouth to respond, but before I can, I hear Dad calling to me from where he's hopping off stage. "Nila, Darling, where are you at?"

All I'd have to do is wave to him or call back... he's just been unusually paranoid about knowing where I am constantly... but I just found a perfect way to get out of this conversation, and I'm not wasting it. "Coming, Dad," I yell back, bouncing to my feet and running his direction.

But Vince shouts after me, promising just what I was afraid of. "We'll talk later."

Dad raises an eyebrow, smiling, when I reach him. "You didn't have to come over, Love. I was just checking to make sure I knew where you were."

I shrug. "I know, but I felt like abandoning Vince anyway. What are we doing now?"

He chuckles, shaking his head. "You sure do have a strange way of treating your best friend, Love. But if you're not tied down in here, what do you say we go and see if we can't find something to eat?"

My stomach clenches, but I force a smile anyway. "Sure."

We retreat to the buses, and Dad makes us each a grilled cheese while I fix a big bowl of salad that should last us all at least a day or two. With soundcheck over, everyone is just a step behind us, and others are replacing Dad at the griddle to make themselves sandwiches as soon as he's done.

He comes over to where I'm already on the couch with two plates complete with grilled cheese, salad, and forks. He hands one to me, as well as a glass of water, before sitting down beside me. He says grace quietly, then opens his eyes and lays a hand on my arm.

"Just try," he says softly. "Alright?"

I swallow hard and nod hurriedly. I want to act like this is no big deal. That's all I want out of anything today... to bring it back to normal, even if they do all know what a loser I am. At least I can hide it again, act like everything's okay again.

So that's what I gotta do. I figured out a way to eat and still lose weight when I puked last night, so I'm just gonna have to do that every time, just make him think I'm still alright. It's not like I don't need it... it's just that my dad's my dad and he doesn't want me to think I do.

So I take a deep breath and pick up the sandwich, taking a hesitant bite. It feels like lead going down, but I swallow it anyway. I focus on the salad. Thank the Lord I've always eaten it without dressing anyway. That feels better, at least. But it's not like Dad will settle in any way for me to just eat the salad, so I force another bite of the sandwich down.

When I've finally finished except for the crusts and as much sandwich as I could possibly leave attached to the crusts, Dad takes my plate from me, leaning down and kissing my hair. "Good job, Darling."

I try to force a smile in return, but I know it's an utter failure thanks to the sick feeling that's quickly consuming me. I take a quick look around the slightly-crowded trailer, but I don't Vince, so that's a score.

"I'm gonna go find DiCarlo," I call to where my father's rinsing our plates, and duck out the trailer before anyone can ask any further questions of me.

I half-run back to the concert-hall and slip in. Skillet's soundcheck is still going, making for a perfect sound cover so that literally no one will even have heard me come into the building. I find the nearest bathroom, and once again, my lunch is gone in a matter of minutes.

It doesn't take away that sick feeling... if anything it makes it worse... and the same goes for the voices screaming inside my head. But I know what I have to do, and that was it. It doesn't matter what anyone else, especially my Dad, would say, because he thinks I'm perfect no matter what... and I most certainly am not.

I clean myself up and pop some gum in before making my exit from the restroom. I nearly run into Joel, coming in from the same door I did a while ago.

"Hello, Love," he greets me. "If you're still looking for Vincent, he's eating back at the bus... he showed up like a minute after you left."

"Oh, okay... cool," I say. "I was just gonna scare him or something, to be honest. I should probably actually work on my school for today."

He nods, but his eyes on me aren't thinking about what I just said... instead, they're assessing me in that concerned way he has. He glances at the door through which I just came, raising an eyebrow. "You alright, Darling?"

"Yeah, I'm fine."

"You're sure?" he presses, his eyes attempting to meet mine and mine cleverly avoiding it.

"Yeah, positive."

"And if you change your mind, you'll find me or your dad, yeah?"

"Yeah."

The intensity and love in his gaze doesn't seem satisfied, and he doesn't let the subject drop, simply laying a gentle hand on my left arm and looking down at me softly. "Before?"

We both know what he means, and it sends an instant stab of guilt through me, an instant reminder that I can play it up and act like I'm fine all I want, but they still know the truth.

I look away sharply, but nod, wordless this time.

He softly returns the gesture, moving his hand to my shoulder and squeezing softly. "I love you."

"I love you too," I whisper, and hurriedly turn away and half-bolt out the door.

But I can still feel the sadness in his gaze as I run. 

Time-Skip Sponsored by Butter Knives (and the fact that Loki ain't stupid enough to think he could kill Thanos with one)

I want to hear the first show, so I find a cozy spot backstage to listen. I'll want to join the crowd at some point at least, but I honestly just don't feel like doing that today... I don't really have the emotional energy to mingle and be a celebrity to anyone who's a big enough fK&C fan to recognize me. I don't have the heart to get out there and act like the priceless posterchild when the cuts bandaged on my arm still aren't freshly scabbed over since Dad cleaned them up yesterday.

Jen's solo project, LEDGER, opens, and that's as lit as I dreamed and even more. My favorites off of her album are "Not Dead Yet", "Ruins", and "Warrior", but the entire thing is absolute fire, and it's even more so live.

After she opens, it's Dad and Joel's turn. This is probably the last tour that they'll do their iconic "Run Wild" opener and everything that follows, but as of now, I still know the concert schedule like the back of my hand. And everything goes as normal, until they stop to talk a few songs after "Priceless". They already sang "joy" towards the beginning of the show, but this isn't a stop I'm used to...

"So, as we mentioned earlier," Joel says, "we've got an album coming out this year, and we've already shared our mood-setter track, 'joy', off of that album with you. Your reaction to that song always blows us away, so thank you for your excitement and your fabulous dance moves."

He pauses for them to scream for a while, and I smile slightly. Gosh, they're such crowd-charmers.

"But this is the joy.Unleashed tour," he continues when they've quieted down, "and that deserves something special, right?" More screaming. "So that's why we've decided to share another brand-new song with you, and that song will be performed for the first time ever tonight."

"And you know," Dad takes over, "sometimes God works in the coolest, most mysterious ways, because sometimes, we'll write an outwardly-focused song, something that we're not really relating to our own lives, but that we're inspired to write based on what we see, and especially the stories we hear from all of you... and then some time will pass, and life will happen, and we'll be faced with a situation, and it'll just stop us dead in our tracks, because we'll be like... Wait. That song... that's... that's this, right here."

"That actually happened to us just last night," Joel continues, "because we were getting ready to leave, and some stuff had happened in our lives over the past few days that... that really had just left us broken... brokenhearted, and confused, because we were like, Why would God let this happen? This person doesn't deserve this, but they're dealing with it anyway, and... and there's nothing we can do to stop it."

I close my eyes as it all sinks in. Me. They're talking about me. I'm that stuff that was happening... I'm that person that they're saying doesn't deserve this, that's breaking their hearts. But I do deserve this, and I'm not worth their time or energy to care about what I'm going through.

"That's one of the most broken places to be, especially when you're in a position where you feel like it's your job to protect this person, and it's your job to comfort them, but there's literally nothing you can do to stop what they're facing," Dad explains. "I think it's the hardest trust exercise God will ever put us through, because there's nothing you can do at that point but lay the person in His hand and give the situation up to him, but to do that makes you feel like you're failing them... that you weren't strong enough to help them through this... which you weren't."

"And that's the place we were in last night," Joel takes over again. "It was pretty late, but we called the band up, and we just explained what we'd been dealing with since we toured last, because we needed their support, and they deserved to know, because they all love this person a whole lot too, and we knew they'd want to know what they were dealing with."

I close my eyes, feeling tears biting at them. I don't think I've ever felt more ashamed in my entire life. It's not because they're talking about it... not at all... they're not saying any specifics, and I'm used to our lives being put out there like this. It's just... I can't believe they're talking about me. I can't believe this is who I am now. I say that everyone else is used to the old me, but in reality, I am too, and I honestly have no idea how to deal with the person I've become.

"And it was in the middle of that conversation," my uncle goes on, "that we were all crying... just trying to talk through everything and try to figure out how to help this situation, and Lynch stopped us, and he was still crying too, but he got kind of excited, and he was like, Guys. Wait. This... this is it... this is 'God Only Knows'! This is what we're gonna start singing tomorrow! And he was right."

I haven't heard their entire record yet... I've heard songs that were going to make it but didn't, and I haven't heard some of the songs that have replaced those songs. "God Only Knows" sounds vaguely familiar as a title, but I think the most I've heard of it is if they maybe mentioned writing it in passing or something.

I hear some tears entering Dad's voice this time. "We wrote this song quite a while ago, and it was really an entirely outward perspective, but suddenly last night, it got personal. The message hit home, and we connected with it like never before. It was like these lyrics that we'd written ourselves, and we thought we understood, suddenly had whole new, real meaning to us. And it was amazing."

"So we're really, really excited to share this song with you tonight," Joel tells them. "We think it's a message that the world desperately needs to hear... and that message is this; You are not alone, my friends... no matter who you are. No matter if your life has been falling apart for years, and everyone who sees you shakes their head and judges you, or if from the outside, things look pretty good, and everyone thinks you're okay, but there are just these whispers... these demons... that torment you for reasons you can't explain."

"Maybe something's been done to you that nobody knows about, or maybe you've done something that nobody knows about." Those tears are more evident with every word Dad says, and I can feel them pressing harder at my eyes as well. "Maybe everywhere you go, it's like these whispers chase you... these rumors. Or maybe it's something we can't even imagine... something that no one can. Still... you're not alone."

Joel's passion is taking over, that quiet, deep passion that's present whenever he gives his speech as well. "Even if you think that no one in your life... or in the world, for that matter... could ever understand your pain, and even if that was true, there still has never been a moment of your life that you have faced alone. There is a God in Heaven who loves you, who came down and died for you and faced every human pain imaginable, just so that He could call you His own, and just so that He could understand. Jesus understands. He knows what you're going through, and He knows what it's going to take to get you through every impossible situation in your life."

"And we are the hands and feet of Jesus while we're on this earth," Dad continues. "There is a love He's given to us that can't be put into words. Love that takes a love already so deep, like your love for your wife or children, and then makes it a million times deeper, because you truly understand what it is to be unconditionally loved yourself. That's the kind of love that a believer in your life has for you. Your family, even if you ran away from them years ago. Your old friends, even if you abandoned them for bigger and better things... or even if you've been lying to them for longer than they could imagine, telling them you're fine when in reality, you're dying inside."

That's the last straw, and I break, beginning to sob silently into my knees.

"Reach out to your loved ones if you think they're hurting, and reach out to your loved ones if you're the one who's hurting," Joel goes on. "But most of all, reach out to Jesus, because He knows everything you've ever been through, and He knows how to heal every wound you've hidden so deep in your heart."

"That's what we want to leave you with before we sing this song," Dad finishes, "but tonight, we'd like to dedicate it to someone in our lives..." His voice cracks, more tears evident in it. "someone who is more precious to me than I can ever put into words. Nila, Darling, I know you're back there. Can you please come out here for me, Love?"

I don't have time to process the request, don't have time to panic or freeze or anything, because Grandpa's at my side before I can, gently pulling me to my feet and leading me up the stairs and to the door that leads on stage. He opens it, gives me a gentle shove forward, and I'm stumbling into the blinding lights shining down on my family.

I'm still sobbing, I know my makeup is running, and I'm in a bedraggled hoodie and leggings, but here I am, exposed to the eyes of thousands of people.

"Come 'mere, Darling," Dad murmurs without his microphone raised, holding out his arm for me. Somehow, I manage to get myself close enough to tuck under it and lean on him to keep me steady.

The lights, which were raised slightly as they talked, dim in the hall once more, and people start to get to their feet again off of a rest as Dad and Joel start going along with recorded intro vocalization.

When the lyrics start, Joel is first.

Wide awake while the world is sound asleepin'. 

Too afraid of what might show up while you're dreamin'.

Nobody, nobody, nobody sees you.

Nobody, nobody would believe you.

And every day, you try to pick up all the pieces.

All the memories, they somehow never leave you.

Nobody, nobody, nobody sees you.

Nobody, nobody would believe you.

Dad takes over without releasing me, holding the microphone in one hands and my shaking form with the other arm.

God only knows what you've been through.

God only knows what they say about you.

God only knows how it's killing you.

But there's a kind of love that God only knows.

They're both singing now.

God only knows what you've been through.

God only knows what they say about you.

But God only knows the real you.

There's a kind of love that God only knows. 

(There's a kind of love that)

(There's a kind of love)

Somehow, I'm sobbing even harder as they continue to sing.

You keep a cover over every single secret.

So afraid is someone saw them, they would leave.

But somebody, somebody, somebody sees you.

Somebody, somebody will never leave you.

God only knows what you've been through.

God only knows what they say about you.

God only knows how it's killing you.

But there's a kind of love that God only knows.

God only knows what you've been through.

God only knows what they say about you.

But God only knows the real you.

There's a kind of love that God only knows.

For the lonely, and for the ashamed.

The misunderstood, and the ones to blame.

What if we could start over?

We could start over?

We could start over?

Oh, for the lonely, and for the ashamed.

The misunderstood, and the ones to blame.

What if we could start over?

We could start over?

We could start over?

Cuz there's a kind of love that God only knows.

God only knows what you've been through.

God only knows what they say about you.

But God only knows the real you.

There's a kind of love that God only knows.

God only knows what you've been through.

God only knows what they say about you.

But God only knows the real you.

There's a kind of love that God only knows.

The song comes down from its high point, and Dad turns to me, moving his arm from around my shoulder so that he can gently lay a hand on my left arm, just like Joel did earlier.

God only knows where to find you.

God only knows how to break through.

God only knows the real you.

There's a kind of love that God only knows.

That's the end, and the crowd erupts into screaming while I continue to cry, and Dad wraps both arms around me this time, allowing me to helplessly cling to him like a little kid.

There are tears in Joel's voice as well as, when they've quieted, he holds out an arm in my direction.

"Ladies and gentlemen, Nila Smallbone." They cheer before he adds, "and gentlemen... no."

The entire crowd laughs, and he chuckles as well.

"Yes, I'm not pointing anyone out, but I saw that, and I know what you were thinking, so I would just like to say... no."

I slowly pull back from Dad, unable to help laughing as well, if only because I know no one was thinking that when they looked at me, and Dad raises his own microphone back to his mouth.

"I would like to wholeheartedly second that. She's still mine."

Vince leans into his mic for background vocals, grinning at me. "That's my best friend down there, so I'd like to add my two cense to that and agree with them. She's basically my little sister up in here."

I lean up to Dad's microphone, sending him a slightly wicked smirk as I reply. "Yes, I'd just like to take time to apologize to all of you... I know Vincent is horrible, but he's part of the band family, so there's really nothing we can do. Just forgive his many, many, many mistakes, please."

They all erupt laughing once more, but that doesn't change the fact that Dad, Joel, and I are all standing up here crying, and they still have a concert to finish.

And it also doesn't change the fact that I literally don't know what to believe anymore.