Nila

Don't You Worry Child (Swedish House Mafia Cover) // Anthem Lights

I swipe to accept and turn my sass level to full power.

"Vincent Dicarlo, are you drunk, or did you just lose the last braincells you had left?"

When he responds, his voice isn't the sarcastic, handing my sass right back to me tone I was expecting. Instead, it's gentle.

"Did you get my point?"

"Being that you're psychotic?"

"Being that I love you very much and I will never stop."

My stomach clenches. Oh, please no. Guard up, Nila!

"You just got the sudden urge to tell me that in the middle of the night?"

He sighs. "Ni... your dad told us, Sweetheart."

When Vince gets serious enough to call me that, I know I'm in trouble.

I open my mouth, but no words come out. After all, what can I say? I could play dumb, but what's the point? They know, and that means all of the people I love the most... all of my very best friends... are seeing how huge of a disappointment I am.

"Talk to me, Nila," he says after the silence has dragged on for a long, agonizing moment.

"What am I supposed to say?" I whisper, tears jumping to my eyes and my voice.

"I don't know," he chides gently. "Maybe you could try venting to me... crying to me... like you always have."

"I'm sorry, Vince." I am crying now. I don't even know why I try to fight it anymore.

"Hey," he whispers. "You have nothing to be sorry for, Nila. But I can't stand to see you believing that we couldn't love you anymore, because that is so, so far from true."

"Vince, I... I'm not even the same person anymore," I argue. "I... I don't know who I am anymore."

"I do," he counters. "You are Nila Smallbone, the same sunshine that's always been in our lives. Okay? You just fell down. Everyone falls down, Sweetheart. That's why we need each other."

"Vince..." I sigh. "I don't get you guys."

He actually laughs, more like the Vince I'm used to. "Who does understand us, Nila?" he chuckles. "And you don't have to understand love. You've just gotta accept it. I'm here if you wanna talk. Yeah?"

I can't believe it, but I actually manage a small smile. "Okay. Thanks, Vince."

"You're so welcome. I love you, Ni."

"I love you too."

"Get some sleep... you are thoroughly prayed for, and Satan better leave your dreams alone this time."

"Thanks," I whisper.

"And I'll see you tomorrow."

"See you."

Time-Skip sponsored by Cheerios

We're up early, as usual. We'll say goodbye here, because if we take the boys to the tour sight, they get confused and think they're coming with us. So we eat breakfast as a family, the sky still dark, like it will be for a long time.

It's a new day, so I try again to be who I've always been. And it works... to a point. I know Mom and Dad both know it's all an act, but it's a good one, and they don't mention it, giving me the morning with my brothers. They're probably enjoying pretending that their daughter isn't a monster.

Finally, it's six, and Joel and Moriah will be here soon to pick us up... Moriah will be able to take the car that way, and we won't have to worry about ours.

When we hear them pulling into the driveway, we turn to our family, tears in all of our eyes.

"Are you and Nila leaving again?" Jude asks Dad quietly.

He sighs. "Yeah. But we'll be back soon, and we're gonna talk to you every night. Okay?"

"Okay," Jude agrees, but his lip is quivering a little bit.

Dad kneels down to his and Phoenix's level. "You guys have to take care of your Mom, okay? Be good, and he helpful, and protect her from the lions."

I manage a smile at the last part. It's an old joke... that the boys don't think of as a joke. Dad told them they had to be the men of the house and protect Mom once, and when they asked what they were protecting her from, he said the first thing that came to his mind... lions. Mom sends us a video at least once a tour of them chasing imaginary beasts away from the house.

"We will," Phoenix tells him sincerely. "Like David protecting his sheep."

"That's right," Dad says, smiling, then embraces them each. "I love you boys. Never forget that."

While they're down, Mom turns to me. We hug, silent at first, before I whisper, "I love you."

"I love you too, Baby," she murmurs. "I love you so much. If you need anything, I'm one call away. Alright?"

"Okay," I whisper, and we finally release each other.

I kiss Leo, who she's holding, before turning to the boys and leaving her with Dad.

They're just pulling back when, with a tap on the door, Joel walks in.

He offers us a half-hearted smile... he's obviously feeling the weight of leaving just like we are... and pulls me into a quick side-hug, kissing me on the top of my head.

"Where are your bags?" he asks quietly, not wanting to disturb Mom and Dad as they finish saying goodbye to each other.

"I'll get the—" I start, but he cuts me off.

"No, you absolutely will not. They were in your room last night."

And with that, he runs up the stairs before I can argue with him. Nope, fam... chivalry is not dead. Even if it was just this family that kept it that way, it would most certainly still be alive and kicking.

By the time he's back with my bags, Mom and Dad have finished, kissing one last time before, teary-eyed, he turns away and wraps one arm around me.

"Alright, Love," he says quietly. "Let's go."

Walking away from them never gets easier. I'm crying too, but we make it out the door and into the car with Dad attached to me and Joel's free hand on Dad's shoulder.

Time-Skip sponsored by Football

It's eight by the time we have everything loaded and ready to go and everyone has said goodbye to their families. The band guys... I can't believe I'm lucky enough to know these people. None of them bring it up, but all of them hug me the minute they see me, their usual playful teasing still present, but with a sweet caring note behind everything they do.

When we finally head out, most people hit their bunks to try to catch up on sleep, and I climb up onto mine, but I'm not pushing my luck with the sleep thing. Last night was clear... the first peaceful sleep I've had in well over a week... but I'm not giving my subconscious another shot at torturing me until I have to.

I dully scroll through Instagram, just trying to keep my mind empty. I also post a picture I snapped this morning, of Dad saying goodbye to the boys, with Mom and Leo watching in the background. The Cravers will go crazy for that.

Joel posted a shot of us loading the buses, announcing that we've officially set out for this tour, and tagged all of us who are traveling on it, so I comment just because I know everyone love seeing me talk to Dad and Joel. Because I'm the Cravers' sweetheart... the priceless posterchild. At least, that's what they think.

It isn't long before I hear a light tap on the bunk. I glance down, and I see Grandpa... the Old Bloke, as everyone calls him... standing there.

I force a smile. "Hey, Grandpa."

He returns it. "Can I come up?"

I have the sinking feeling I know what's coming, but I try to stay casual anyway, nodding and scooting over so there's plenty of room on that side of me.

He pulls himself up the ladder and sits down beside me, wrapping his arm around my shoulders.

I want to stay innocent and normal, so I lay my head on his shoulder. That's what the old Nila would have done, before she was afraid of everyone she loved most.

"So how's the arm?"

The gentle question confirms all my worst fears, and I feel ashamed tears immediately jump to my eyes, which find the carpet below us.

"Um... it's okay," I whisper.

"Your daddy cleaned it up for you, right?"

I don't trust myself to do anything but nod.

"Can I take a peek?" he presses, and I feel another wave of shame hit me hard.

But there's nothing I can do... he knows anyway, and it'll only hurt him more than I already have if I try to keep him from seeing. So I remain silent, keep my eyes on the ground, and allow my arm to drop into his lap.

Gently, with hands that I know Dad's learned from, he rolls my sleeve back, revealing the bandage Dad set in place yesterday. He carefully folds it back, just enough so that he can see the wounds it's hiding.

He doesn't say anything for a long moment, but with one quick glance at his face, I see tears in his eyes. He squeezes my hand gently, then replaces the bandage and the sleeve.

"You wanna talk about it, Love?" he asks finally.

I close my eyes against the army of tears begging to come out. "I'm okay."

"Alright," he agrees, rubbing my back briefly. "but you know I'm here for you... even if I am old."

I try to crack a smile, but I know I fail miserably, so instead I just whisper, "Thanks, Grandpa."

"I love you, Darling," he tells me.

"I love you, too."

Well... that was a rough chapter, and it's a week late on top of that. Idk, guys... it's not exactly writer's block; it's just... writer's losership in this girl right here. I know where I'm going, I'm just having a hard time making it happen. And I'm at a point where I just get so stressed about everything I need to do that I end up sitting there staring at it and having an internal panic attack so... yeah. Sorry. I'll try to do better next week.