*By request, I’m going back and writing the conversation that Luke and Wren had after the end of Chapter 20. I was honestly planning on writing that but my brain doesn’t work write, so it didn’t happen until I was reminded. This is why I need y’all… to help me pull my life together when I’m an idiot.

Also, IT’S BURN THE SHIPS WEEK!!!! I got my five preorder CDs today (I preordered one back in December before the album had a cover or a name or a release date and the other four came with the tickets we bought for their album release tour and that’s the one part of my life going well rn lol) and let me tell you IT IS SO SO SO SO SO FREAKING GOOD. LIKE I SWEAR TO YOU, YOU WILL BE COMPLETELY BLOWN AWAY. LIKE, THEY OUTDO THEMSELVES EVERY SINGLE FREAKING TIME. I CAN’T EVEN PICK A FAVORITE, AND SINCE WHEN THEY RELEASED IT ON MY BIRTHDAY I THOUGHT IT WASN’T POSSIBLE TO WRITE A SONG AS GOOD AS GOD ONLY KNOWS EVER AGAIN, THAT IS REALLY FREAKING SAYING SOMETHING.

I think y’all get what I’m trying to say. That album will change your life. I’m not kidding. But ANYWAY, let’s get to el capitulo.

Broken Lullabies // Joel & Luke

Luke

    I retreat outside to make the call, taking a deep breath and trying to pull myself together. I can’t believe this is happening. I can’t believe someone did that to my precious daughter… and I can’t believe I wasn’t told about it. I love Wren and her family, and she’s given countless kids a loving, Christian foster home. I know it wasn’t her idea not to tell us. But she should’ve known better than to listen.

    I can’t even quite decide what I’m feeling right now beyond an intense heartbreak that feels like it’s consuming me. I mean, I know I should be livid at the people who treated Nila like that as a child… and I think I am… but I’m just so shocked and sat right now that I can’t quite process that part of me. And anyway, they’re gone now, and I pray to God that we’ll never have to have any contact with them again. So it doesn’t do much good to be angry.

    I take a few minutes to pray best I can, trying to get in the best possible place before I tap call. When I feel like I have the greenlight from God, I take a deep breath, unlock my phone, and press Wren’s name.

    It rings several times before I hear her pick up on the other end of the line.

    “Luke,” she greets me with that smile in her voice. “It’s so good to hear from you. It’s been too long.”

    “It has,” I agree, trying to be friendly despite how stressed out I am. “How are you, Wren?”

    “I really can’t complain, you know,” she replies. “And yourself? How is Courtney?”

    “I’m okay, and Courtney’s doing well.” I take a deep breath, forcing myself steady. “How are the girls?”

    “They’re amazing,” she laughs. “Sara’s well on her way to becoming a doctor, and Wendy’s student teaching for her last year before she gets her own class. How about Nila?”

    And here it is. “Actually,” I sigh. “That’s what I called about.”

    I hear instant worry enter her voice. “Really? Is everything okay?”

    “Well… no. Not really. Not at all.”

    “What’s going on? Is Nila alright?”

    Tears choke my words as I simply repeat in a voice that’s barely audible, “Not at all.”

    “Alright.” I can tell she’s really worried now. “What’s wrong?”

    Deep breath. Take it from the beginning. “A few weeks ago, Nila had a nightmare. I heard her yell and went to check on her, but she told me it was one of the dreams that you don’t remember when you wake up. Then three days later, in the morning, I could tell she wasn’t okay, but it took her lying to me a lot for her to admit that she’d had another nightmare, but she still told me she didn’t remember it. She never lies to me…” I’m tearing up again as I say it. “So that alone worried me.”

“It’s not like her,” Wren agrees seriously, and it’s obvious she’s listening hard.

“And beyond that, she just… she wasn’t okay and I knew it but she wouldn’t admit it,” I sigh sadly. “I could tell, Joel could tell, Courtney and Moriah could tell… even her school guidance counselor emailed because he was concerned that she’d suddenly started wearing long sleeves all the time… which I’d also noticed and was worried about. Suddenly, she barely ate, and she just… always seemed to have this wall up, this mask on. And with Joel and I…” I close my eyes, desperately choking back those tears. “Just like that, she was… she was afraid of us. And we didn’t know why.”

“It’s not you, alright, Kiddo?” she assures me, going into mom-mode instantly. “You have to keep telling yourself that.”

I don’t respond directly, simply going on. “Things went on like that until yesterday. It was the anniversary of Nila’s adoption, and Joel and I were getting desperate, so we wrote her a song and I gave her these rings… just trying to remind her how much we love her. But when I picked her up from school…”

I shake my head slowly.

“Something was so wrong. But she wouldn’t tell me what it was, wouldn’t admit that it was there. We had Joel and Moriah over for dinner, and they took her to youth group… we were still just so desperate.”

I take a moment to try to pull myself together again, and Wren uses it to encourage me again. “And you were doing everything right. Remember that, alright?”

    “When I went to pick her up from youth group,” I continue finally, “Her youth pastor pulled be aside, and he showed me this video…”

I know I have no hope of stopping the tears, so I don’t try.

    “At school, Katherine blackmailed Nila into meeting her and then had a boy kiss her… just to torture her. A boy in the youth group had seen from a window and taken the video as proof since he knew he couldn’t stop it. The boy had told their youth pastor, so that’s the only way I found out.”

    “Oh, Luke, I… I’m so sorry. Was Katherine’s bullying the cause of everything?” Wren asks.

    “Not… not exactly.” Deep breath. I can do this. “This morning, Joel and I went with Nila to talk to the principal about what happened. It was through that conversation with Katherine that we found out that… that Nila had started cutting…”

Get it together. Just keep going.

“Oh, no. Nila…” She just trails off, obviously not knowing what to say.

    “And finally, Nila came clean. At least partially. And she said…” I shake her head slowly. “She was crying so hard. But she said she’d kept having those dreams… and admitted that she’d always remembered them… and that she’d emailed Wendy… and the words she choked out were violated, molested, and abused.”

    “Oh no.” The two words are full of fear, regret, and sadness.

    “So I need you to tell me,” I finish up, taking another deep breath and forcing myself steady. “Exactly what happened to Nila as a child that we weren’t told about when we adopted her.”

    There’s a heavy sigh on the other end of the line. “Luke…” There are tears in her own voice when she speaks. “I am so sorry. I… it wasn’t my idea. It was what I was told to do, and I didn’t agree, but I listened anyway, and I shouldn’t have, and I’m sorry.”

    “Look, Wren,” I respond simply. “I can’t tell you how deeply I wish you would have told me before now. But that time is gone, and all I ask right now is that you tell me everything and leave nothing out. Please?”

    “Of course, Luke,” she says quietly. “I’ll tell you everything I know.”

    She takes a deep breath, and I feel dread consume the inside of me.

    “Nila’s biological parents’ names are Jedidiah and Taylor Verson. They had her until she was four, and… they were horrible, Luke.”

    The last part comes out as a whisper.

    “Their medical records clearly state an abortion that was scheduled, but didn’t happen because Taylor was high on some kind of drug when she came in. The clinic didn’t care to report her possession of illegal drugs… they just turned her away. That also means that Nila was no doubt addicted to whatever substances Taylor had been using during pregnancy when she was born… and she wasn’t born in a hospital. She’s extremely lucky that her development wasn’t delayed by that addiction, especially because it wouldn’t have been treated properly since she was born in-home with no assistance.”

    She’s barely gotten past my daughter’s birth, but I can already feel myself reeling. How… how is this even possible?

    “Neighbors later admitted to hearing and seeing Taylor and Jedidiah screaming all sorts of horrible things at Nila,” Wren continues sadly, “but the neighborhood was so bad that they were never reported. That went on for the first four years of Nila’s life. Police happened to be in the area once and overheard this screaming, investigating and immediately arresting them and stripping away all of their custody of their daughter. Nila… Nila was in horrible shape. Malnourished, scared of everything, always crying. By what she managed to tell the police and the evidence from her behavior, she’d not only been beaten repeatedly, but also…” She sighs heavily. “Molested and violated and raped. A four-year-old.”

    I’m sobbing now, helplessly crying into my hands as pictures run through my head faster than I can comprehend, of my precious child going through what Wren is describing.

    “But after six months of treatment,” she finishes, “Her mind had suppressed everything from the past four years of her life. All of it… it was gone. I guess our brains sometimes do that when we go through such violent trauma. So she was put into the foster care system, and anyone who fostered her was told her story, but given strict orders not to tell her. By the time she was eight and still showed no signs of being affected by her early years, we were told not to tell anyone who chose to adopt her or foster her after us, either. They weren’t official orders, because they couldn’t be, but we listened anyway. And I… I’m so sorry, Luke. I should have never done this to you and Courtney.”

    I’m almost crying too hard to speak, but I somehow manage to force words out. “Wren, it’s… it’s alright. You’re forgiven. I just… I can’t believe…”

    “I know, Luke,” she sighs. “It’s a lot to take in. It’s way more than anyone should ever have to live through.”

    “And now she’s living through it all over again every time she goes to sleep,” I whisper.

    “That poor child.” She hesitates before adding, “Where is she now?”

    “With her best friend,” I respond dully. “We’re leaving for another round of touring tomorrow… just she and Joel and I this time, so they’re… they’re spending time together.”

    “Again, Luke… I’m so sorry.”

    “And again, you’re forgiven.” I don’t know how the words leave my mouth so easily, especially because I truly somehow mean it.

    There’s a long silence before I shake my head slowly.

    “Wren… it’s all so much. Do you… have it on record? Something written that… explains everything.”

    “Of course, Kiddo,” she sighs. “I’ll email one to you as soon as we’re off the phone.”

    “Thank you,” I tell her softly.

    She laughs, but the sound is void of any joy whatsoever. “Luke, you should hate me, but you’re thanking me? You Smallbones are something else.”

    I don’t answer, so she speaks again after a few seconds.

    “She’s gonna be okay. You know that, right, Kiddo?”

    “I know,” I say through a fresh wave of tears. “It just… breaks my heart.” I take a deep breath, straightening up. “Thank you again. I should go.”

    “Of course, Luke,” she replies seriously. “We’ll be praying for y’all. If you ever need anything, we’re just a call away.”

    And with that, I hang up, and I cry.

Mini Time-Skip Sponsored by Mini People, Who I Am Watching (And one’s in my lap)

    It’s only a few minutes before I hear the door open, and someone approaches me where I’m sitting in a patio chair, facing away from the house with my head in my hands as I helplessly sob. I know it’s Joel without him saying anything, as he just wordlessly sits down beside me and lets the silence and his hand on my shoulder do all the talking for him.

    When I’ve finally stopped crying, he looks at me sidelong and gently says, “Talk to me, Luke.”

    My voice is barely audible, but it does come out. “They were going to abort her, Joel. They… they wanted to kill my… But she was on drugs, so it… didn’t go through.”

    He lets out a heartbroken sigh, but says nothing else, just letting me keep talking.

    “And that means when she was first born, Nila was… she was addicted too,” I continue brokenly. “And that would have been horrible for her… just a baby… and then they molested and abused her until she as four. Four years, Joel! That my daughter… that she… and I didn’t even know about it!”

    “I know, Mate,” he says simply. “I know. And it’s horrible. But now we know, and we’re gonna get through it, and she’s gonna be okay.”

    “I know,” I sigh heavily, but feel the slightest hint of a smile touch my face. “Cuz she’s a fighter.”

    He nods, offering me a sad smile himself. “That’s right. And she’s gonna fight on.”