Okay guys… we need to talk. I know I suck but I also know that no one really cares when I update so I don’t know why I apologize like you do XD. I was gonna try to rush to get a chapter done for Tuesday or later last week, but I honestly just needed a week to get back on track. Hopefully I am now. Yeah, we’ll see.

But ANYWAY, that is not what we need to talk about. What we need to talk about is a little song by the name of God Only Knows. And the fact that said song was the best birthday present I got this year. Because I freaking swear that song is my freaking life and Joel and Luke are freaking angels. Like, it is my new favorite song, guys. Which means I love it even more than I love Priceless. THEY OUT-DID PRICELESS, PEOPLE. I DIDN’T EVEN THINK THAT WAS POSSIBLE. Like, I was crying on my porch at 11:00 at night, and I’m still crying. Just when you think they can’t get any better, they completely blow you away again. They are the most amazing people on the face of this planet. Okay, okay, I am done now.

I’m For You // tobyMac

Joel

We wait, all of us silently praying, for what feels like forever. I can hear their soft murmuring, and I know they’re in their little hideout, the room under the stairs. Courtney checks on the kiddos every ten minutes or so, but otherwise we don’t do much of anything while we wait. When it’s been about half an hour, she looks at the clock and then turns to us.

“I’m so sorry to ask, but I need to go pick up Jude from Preschool. I can take Leo with me, but would you keep an eye on Phoenix?”

Moriah opens her mouth to respond, but I beat her to it.

“Courtney, I’ll get Jude, alright? You and Moriah stay here with the other two, and I’ll be back before you know it. I know you want to be here when they come out.”

Guilty relief floods into her eyes as I make the offer. “Joel, you don’t have to…”

I hold up a hand to stop her. “It’s my pleasure, alright? I mean that. Just stay here and try to relax.”

“Thank you so much, Joel,” she sighs, reaching over to her purse and handing me her keys. “Take our car so that you don’t have to worry about switching out the car seat. You know how to get there?”

I nod. “I do.” I lean over and kiss Moriah on the cheek. “I’ll be back soon.”

I leave the house and get into the car, flicking off the radio as I start on my way to get my nephew. I feel tears leap straight back to my eyes at the reminder of Nila and everything she’s going through right now.   

And I don’t know how to fix it. I don’t even know how to help at all. I feel so helpless, so useless.

I take a deep breath, trying to pull my mind into focus. I can’t let the devil get to me like that right now. He would just love to get Luke and I and the girls down in self-hatred so that we can’t help Nila. I’m not falling for that.

I’m not being useless. I’m on uncertain ground, and I’m scared, but as long as I let Jesus lead, I’ll be fine. She’ll be fine. She’s still on his shoulders. We all are.

Time-Skip Sponsored by Han Solo

It’s not a long drive to the preschool, and I’m there before I know it. I check the time and see that they’ll just be getting let out, so I go ahead and step out of the car and head in to get Jude. The young receptionist, Amanda, smiles at me as I come in.

“Joel. Here on Uncle-duty to get Jude?”

I manage to return the smile. “I am.”

She nods, checking to make sure someone is going to get him, then looks at me again. “How’s your day been?”

Once again, I simply smile. She seriously does not want to know.

“Alright. What about you?”

“The same,” she agrees. “The kids are handfuls, but you know, they’re adorable.”

“Still got another round to go?” I ask, and she nods.

“Yeah, the afternoon kids will be coming in after our lunch break.”

Jude appears with the woman who went to get him, his face lighting up when he sees me. He runs over and I scoop him up, completely unable to understand any of his excited babbling.

“Where are his mum and dad today?” The lady who brought him, Daisy, asks.

I hesitate. “They’re at home, with my wife. I just decided Jude and I needed some bonding time, that’s all.”

So it’s basically a lie, but Daisy had no idea what she was asking.

She nods, smiling. “I approve. Both of you have a wonderful rest of your day.”

“You as well,” I return, then turn away to go, nodding to Amanda before slipping out.

After I buckle Jude into his car seat and get in myself, he looks at me eagerly. “Where are Mommy and Daddy?”

“They’re at home with you’re siblings,” I tell him easily. “I just decided I wanted to come and get you today. Is that alright with you?”

“Yes!” he replies enthusiastically.

“Did you have fun at school?” I ask as we pull out, and he’s off on a minute-by-minute recap of everything that happened today.

I smile and nod, interjecting when appropriate, and trying to give him my full attention. I see on the clock that it’s about lunchtime, and I know at least the kids will be hungry. But I don’t want Luke and Courtney to have to worry about that right now.

“How does pizza sound for lunch, Jude?” I call back to him.

His enthusiastic yes encourages me, so I pull into the Little Ceasar’s parking lot and run in, asking for whatever they have ready. I honestly doubt we’ll finish two out of the three pizzas I buy, but I want my brother and his wife to have food on hand just in case they need it.

When we finally pull back into the driveway, I hand Jude one of the pizzas, at his request, and follow him in with the other two. The front room is empty when we come in, so that could be a good thing.

“We’re home!” Jude calls into the house. “And we brought food!”

Courtney’s voice answers him from the den. “Jude, we’re in here, honey.”

I follow the little boy in that direction. When I come through the doorway a few seconds after him, the sight that greets me warms my heart. They’ve started another movie, this time The Greatest Showman, and they’re all here. Nila is sitting with Phoenix on her lap and Luke’s arm around her shoulders. Courtney, on Luke’s other side, is holding Leo, and Moriah, next to her, is entertaining him with a collection of toys in her lap. I can see in Nila’s eyes and shoulders that she’s still far from alright, but at least she’s out here, with us, not isolating herself out of shame.

Courtney sees the pizza we’re carrying and meets my eyes gratefully, mouthing, “Thank you.”

I simply smile and incline my head in response.

Jude and Phoenix pounce on the pizza like I knew they would. Just as I suspected, none of the rest of us are interested. But I also know it could come in handy later today or over the next few days, especially after Luke, Nila, and I head out again tomorrow. None of the others are coming this time around… Courtney still likes to keep Leo home, and the others are staying behind again as well. Moriah has recording she has to do here.

I cross the room, slipping onto Nila’s free side, and simply reach down, gently taking her hand. She doesn’t meet my gaze, but she doesn’t pull away, either. And I settle back, watching the movie with the rest of them. It’s moments like this that are just too utterly precious to miss.

Time-Skip Sponsored by Luke Skywalker

By the time the movie, and then two games of Chutes and Ladders with the boys, are over, Nila leaves to go shopping with Luna, and the boys are all ready for naps. While Luke and Courtney get them settled, Moriah and I put the left-over pizza into tupperware, then the fridge, and throw away the paper plates the boys ate on.

Once we’re done, we return to the front room and sit down, as I wrap an arm around her shoulders.

“So what happened while I was gone?”

She sighs. “She and Luke came out a few minutes after you left. Courtney and I just hugged her and when she apologized to Courtney, she told her it was alright, and she loved her, and this didn’t change a thing about the way we saw her. Then Phoenix ran out, done with his movie, so…”

I nod slowly. “I’ll ask Luke how it went before they came out.”

She returns the gesture, then lays her head on my shoulder, sighing. “I don’t understand, Joel,” she whispers. “Why her? Why is she going through this?”

I shake my head slowly. “I don’t know, Darling. I don’t understand either. But God’s still got her.”

“Yeah,” Moriah sighs. “It’s just so hard to watch.”

I nod wordlessly. She knows it’s utter agony for me, too. And right now, there’s still so much we don’t know.

We sit here in silence, just soaking in each other, for another fifteen minutes before Luke and Courtney make it downstairs. The minute I see my younger brother’s face, I rise from my seat, holding out my arms wordlessly. He accepts the embrace, and it’s like I can feel his pain in his body as I hug him.

When we finally pull back, I keep both hands on his shoulders, looking him in the eye.

“Luke?”

“Yeah?” he asks softly.

“You’re doing great,” I tell him seriously. “This is hard. It’s so, so, so hard. But you’re being there just like she needs you to be. Okay?”

He exhales slowly, but finally nods. “Okay.”

I clap him on the shoulder before finally releasing him and returning to my wife, as he sits down next to Courtney.

“So…” I hesitate, shaking my head slowly. “Tell us what you can.”

Luke takes one deep breath, obviously trying to pull his thoughts together.

“I didn’t mention this earlier because I… was still trying to process it. Was still trying to wrap my mind around it. Now that Courtney and I have talked, I… I still can’t comprehend it, but at least I think I can try to tell you.”

Obviously, he found out something that’s killing him. Something about Nila. I lean forward, my full attention on him.

“Luke… Talk to me, Mate.”

“Her parents,” he sighs finally. “Her.. biological… parents. We were told she’d been in foster care since birth, but… that was a lie.”

“What?” Moriah gasps. “You adopted her, and they lied to you?”

“Apparently.” He shakes his head slowly. “I need to call Wren to get the truth, because all I know is what Nila told me, and she couldn’t get out much. But… she’s been having dreams. Way more than two of them, and she’s remembered them.”

I can see in my little brother’s eyes that intense pain of being lied to by the girl he loves so, so deeply.

“I guess they were of things she hadn’t filled her mind with, so she… asked Wendy about her parents, and she was finally honest with her.” His eyes are filling with tears as he speaks. “The words she used were molested and abused.”

My eyes snap shut against the words, as a single word escapes my mouth. “No.”

“Again, I don’t know any details,” Luke says in a choked voice. “But she was so ashamed of it… she said we ever would have chosen her if we had known.” That’s the final straw to come out of his mouth, and he’s finally rendered speechless against the agony he’s in.

Courtney rubs his back helplessly, but we’re all feeling just about like he is, and we simply sit in silence for several minutes.

Finally, Luke looks up again. “Anyway,” he continues, obviously trying to pull himself together all over again, “while we were in there…” He indicates the wall that their little room is on. “We talked about it, just a little. Talked how God felt about it and why. And then I cleaned it up… got the makeup off and washed the cuts out and bandaged the arm.”

“Good job,” I approve quietly. It might not seem like much, but him doing that for her would have given them a moment like nothing else.

He offers me a sad, halfhearted smile. “And then we came out… and I’m sure Moriah already filled you in on that.”

I nod. “She did.”

There’s another moment of silence before I look up at him again. “Alright, Luke… what do you need? Don’t worry about offending us, because you won’t, but also don’t worry about burdening us, because you won’t do that either. Would it be easier on you if we left, or if we stuck around until she got back?”

He does take the question into serious consideration before answering it. “I think you should stay,” he says at length. “If you really don’t mind. I think… I just feel like Nila still needs you right now, Joel.”

“Alright,” I agree. “If you’re feeling that too, then I’m going to trust our instinct, because I’m getting the same thing.”

“Thank you, Joel,” he says, tears in his eyes as he looks at me. “And Moriah… I don’t know how we would be doing this right now without you.”

“Again, Luke,” I reply seriously. “There’s nowhere else I would rather be than right here. I love you and your family so much. All I want is to do everything I can for you right now.”

He manages a bit better of a smile this time, but doesn’t answer directly, instead getting up slowly. “I’m going to go call Wren.”

I exhale heavily. I know this isn’t going to be an easy conversation for him. “Good luck. We’ll be praying.”