So. I suck, and I know, and we'll get to that in a minute. But first, let's talk about two people who are the exact opposite of me, in that they are some of the greatest human beings ever to walk the face of this planet and near perfection in just about everything they do. Their names? Joel and Luke Smallbone. Oh yes, and let's not forget about their wives, the lovely, kindhearted, and oh-so-talented Moriah and Courtney Smallbone. Because pioneers? AMAZING AND I AM OBSESSED FOR LIFE. Also, am I the only one who has been struggling to resist the urge to run around screaming, "Burn the Ships!" at every random opportunity I have ever since I saw the album name? Yes? That's what I thought. Oh well. I'm a loser but they're amazing.

Now. On to how sucky of a person I am. I know it's been forever, and I am truly, deeply sorry. June was crazy-busy, but I know that's no excuse for failing at life. I really will try to get the next update out a week from today, just like it's supposed to be. Thank you guys so much for sticking with me through my horrible updates and worse writing. It means a lot that y'all are still out there.

On one final note, I realize that I am an amateur, two-bit songwriter and Joel and Luke would write something so, so, so much better than the horrible excuse for a song that I wrote for them, but I had to write something, didn't I? Sure I did. Now, for anyone who actually read through this entire author's note... here is a gold star. You're welcome.

Also, the key that I was imagining, for anyone who cares is: Joel ; Luke ; Both (Joel are melody, Luke on harmony).

Nila

"Pearl"

Ooh. I'm here for you.

Ooh. it'll always be true.

Ooh. I'll show you what you're worth.

Ooh. Darling, you are my pearl.

Your smile lights up my world.

You'll always be my little girl.

And that's not the only thing that will never change.

When you laugh, I'll laugh with you.

When you cry, it hurts me too.

And I want to share your pain.

You're not alright. And that's okay.

I'll hold you tonight, 'til the the break of day.

Oh, I'll never leave your side.

I said, I'll never leave your side.

Cuz you don't have to be the perfect one.

All you have to you is let us love

You through the thick and thin.

If you're in tears, we'll share you pain.

And when you hurt, you don't have to be ashamed.

Cuz it doesn't change everything you're worth.

Because you are my pearl.

Every time you turn away,

And look at the floor instead of meeting my gaze,

It shatters a piece of my heart.

Cuz if you're hurt, I want to know.

And when it's hard, I want to see you through

To the other side.

You're not alright. And that's okay.

I'll hold you tonight, 'til the the break of day.

Oh, I'll never leave your side.

I said, I'll never leave your side.

Cuz you don't have to be the perfect one.

All you have to you is let us love

You through the thick and thin.

If you're in tears, we'll share you pain.

And when you hurt, you don't have to be ashamed.

Cuz it doesn't change everything you're worth.

Because you are my pearl.

Ooh. I'm here for you.

Ooh. it'll always be true.

Ooh. I'll show you what you're worth.

Ooh. Darling, you are my pearl.

And you are worth so much more than I see in your eyes.

You say you're fine, but I know you're not, cuz your heart, to me, it cries.

So I'll answer the call.

I won't let you fall.

I'll wrap you in my arms.

He's gonna heal all your scars.

Cuz you don't have to be the perfect one.

All you have to you is let us love

You through the thick and thin.

You're not alright. And that's okay.

I'll hold you tonight, 'til the the break of day.

Oh, I'll never leave your side.

I said, I'll never leave your side.

Cuz you don't have to be the perfect one.

All you have to you is let us love

You through the thick and thin.

If you're in tears, we'll share you pain.

And when you hurt, you don't have to be ashamed.

Cuz it doesn't change everything you're worth.

Because you are my pearl.

You're not alright.

Ooh. I'm here for you.

And that's okay.

Ooh. It'll always be true.

I'll hold you tonight, 'til the break of day.

Ooh. I'll show you what you're worth.

I'll never leave your side.

Ooh. Darling, you are my pearl.

I said, I'll never leave your side.

Cuz you are my pearl.

I'm sobbing by the time I finish the song, covering the paper in tear stains, helpless to do anything else.

"How did you know?" I whisper, unable to even lift my head for the shame consuming me.

"Darling," Joel murmurs, and I hear evidence of tears in his own voice, "we know you better than anyone else in the world. And we love you so much more than we'll ever be able to express."

"You haven't been okay since we came home last time," Dad adds gently. "And Darling, that's okay! It breaks our hearts to see you hurting, but it breaks them so much more when you try to hide it from us."

"i know Dad," I choke out, "but I... I just..."

"I know, Love," he says softly. "I know. And there's so much I want to tell you, but I know you'd rather do it at home than here."

I nod, not trusting myself to speak.

"So let's get things finished here, and then go, yeah?" Joel asks, squeezing my shoulder.

"Okay." The word comes out terrified, ashamed, and so, so small.

"We love you," he whispers, and Dad's pressure on my hands says the exact same thing.

My eyes snap shut, and here come those tears again.

Time-Skip sponsored by Fish

We leave school with Schelly crying after hugging me, Zach uncaring over two days of detention, and Katherine giddy over a warning and nothing more, not to mention the freedom to spread her knowledge over the entire school.

As I climb into the car, the thought hits me, and I feel my heart stop. Oh. My. Gosh. Luna.

I grab my phone, which has been on silent since youth group last night, and see a text from about an hour ago, from none other than my best friend.

Girl, where are you? I have SO MUCH to tell you about yesterday...

I scramble to respond, praying that she'll believe me.

Some stuff kinda went down between me and Katherine and Zach Whilrot yesterday while you were gone. I'll tell you later. Anyway, since I'm leaving on the next tour tomorrow, I won't be back at school until after this set of shows at least. Also, Katherine's mad at me and decided to get even by spreading a bunch of rumors around the school, so do me a favor and try to shut them down whenever you can, yeah?

She responds quickly, no doubt straight from history.

This sounds juicy... you're gonna have to explain quick, girl. But yeah of course. That woman is seriously so screwed up

Thank You, Jesus.

Tell me about it. But anyway, thanks, girl. Like I said, I'll tell you later, and you can tell me about yesterday. I've gotta pack and stuff now but maybe we could go out or something later since I'm leaving again anyway?

Sure! It cool with you if I swing by right after school? I've got a date with Joey at 7, but that'll give us plenty of time. I could actually totally use a outfit to wear tonight...

Sweet, then we'll go shopping. Now pay attention! You know there's a test next week

Yes, Mother. Ttyl

I lean back against the seat, exhaling slowly. I just hope it holds. I just hope that she and everyone else I know at school believe me over Katherine.

Joel is texting too, and I have a feeling he's warning Moriah and Mom that it isn't good. That I'm a loser, and asking how soon they can send me back to the foster care system.

I know the paper in my hand and everything they've ever said to me and done for me both say the exact opposite of what I'm thinking, but I can't help it. I just... feel so broken. And so different from the girl I was three weeks ago.

The mere thought of being in the room when they tell Mom and Moriah about this makes me feel sick and panicky. What about my little brothers? Are they gonna know how screwed up their sister has become? Is Leo gonna grow up knowing me as nothing more than the loser I am right now?

All I want to do now is beg them to let me not be there when they tell whoever they tell. But I'm too ashamed to speak at all, much less about the horrible scars hidden under my hoodie sleeves.

Though my eyes are locked on the floor, I feel Joel's gaze on me, and, after a long moment, he really twists to look back at me, setting his phone in the space between him and Luke and laying his hand on my knee.

"We love you."

I don't look up... I can't... and I certainly can't make myself say anything. But my eyes flit to his phone, and I see that's it open to his text thread with Moriah.

We're on our way back

How did it go?

We'll tell you there. Just... if you can... put Phoenix in front of a movie and Leo down for a nap

Okay, we'll try. Love you

Love you too

His directions about the kids bring my panic to life, and I feel like I'm about to start hyperventilating. I can't do this.

I look up at Joel desperately, who's still twisted my way, his gaze sad.

"Joel?" the word comes out barely audible and choked, like I'm sick and completely lost my voice.

"Yeah, Love?" he asks quietly.

My next words come out just like the first one did. "Please... can I not be there?"

The look he gives me is heartbroken, but he nods slowly. "You don't have to be, Darling."

"Thank you." I close my eyes against the tears of relief and utter shame that immediately try to jump out, and he squeezes my knee gently.

"Just don't forget how much all of us love you, alright?" he presses.

I don't have it in me to respond, and he turns back forward after a long moment, though not without a heavy, sad sigh.

The rest of the ride passes with the radio as the only noise in the car.

When we finally pull into the driveway, I climb out of the car and follow Dad and Joel inside, keeping my head down and my arms wrapped around my body. The front room is empty, but I hear "Inside Out" coming from the den, so that's where Mom and Moriah will be, keeping Phoenix company for the time being. I run upstairs before they hear us and come out and I have to face them.

But I don't get out before I hear the heartbroken sighs that escape both Dad and Joel's lips.

It takes everything in me not to break again, but I know that if I start crying now, I'll never stop. Besides, I can't bear the shame of being there when they tell them, but I also can't bear the agony of not knowing what's going on. So I go up the main set of stairs just to slip down the tiny back set, and through a little door, into the area under them. I walk to the end of the little room and sink down on the floor, facing a wall that's the only thing that separates me from the living room, where all of them are.

Sitting here doesn't make not crying any easier. Because there are so many memories attached to this place that I couldn't count them if I tried. Starting pretty soon after they adopted me, whenever Mom had friends over, I'd be too scared to be out among them, but too curious to not know what was going on, so I'd come here so that I could eavesdrop on their conversations.

And Dad always kept me company. After the first time, he even made a tiny hole, screened and invisible from the other side, so that I could watch through it and see what they were doing, too. He and I would just sit here for hours, watching them and laughing about this or that, infinitely amused whenever one of us came up in the conversation. Thankfully, it was always all good things that Mom said about us.

After a few times of doing that, we didn't wait for her to have friends over to utilize this little area. It became our little hideout. We'd play games, wrap presents, watch movies on his phone... everything. I can't count the evenings that he, Mom, and I spent under here, playing board games or cards and just talking. When Dad got sick, before it was so bad he couldn't really move around much anymore, he and I spent hour upon hour sitting under here, Mom joining us as often as she could. And we'd just talk, about anything and everything. Sometimes we wouldn't even do that, but just sat here, soaking in each other's presences.

And I'd always wondered if I was too much of a burden... if I took time away from Mom and Dad's alone time. So I used this hideout to relieve my worries... I'd sneak down here when I was supposed to be in bed and listen for a few minutes... just making sure that they had time to talk, to laugh, to watch movies together and spend time together... just the two of them. Somehow, I never got caught out of bed. It was from here that I overheard the conversation that ended up inspiring "Without You". I know they still spend almost every night that he's home together. And I still sometimes come here to listen and watch them, just because hearing and seeing them together makes everything about life just feel right.

Thinking about it all just makes me hate myself that much more... feel that much more guilty for destroying the perfect family we had before I went off the deep end.

As I watch, Mom and Moriah come into view, obviously exiting the den. Both look undeniably nervous.

"Where's Ni?" Mom asks quietly.

"She went upstairs," Dad replies sadly. "We told her she could."

He sinks into a seat, and the other two do the same before Moriah breaks the silence.

"So... how'd it go? Did they deal with the kids who did that?"

Dad rubs his face, shaking his head slowly. "Not like they should have."

Joel continues for him. "The boy... Zach... he told them he thought Nila wanted to kiss him, so all they gave him two days of detention. I think he disliked the talk I had with him more than he will that."

"And Katherine?" Mom presses.

"Just a warning," Dad sighs. "She said she was doing it for Nila's good, and... he basically believed her."

"That doesn't make any sense!" Moriah protests. "How on earth could she even say that... and how could they be dumb enough to believe her?"

Dad and Joel look at each other, pain written over both of their faces, neither of them wanting to be the one to say it. Finally, Dad takes a deep breath.

"Nila mentioned that Katherine threatened to spread rumors about her all over the school?"

Both women nod wordlessly.

He sighs. "That was... mostly true."

The look in his eyes make my stomach twist in guilt, because it reminds me just how much he hates it when I lie to him. Not because it makes him angry, but because it breaks his heart when I don't trust him with the truth.

Swallowing hard, Dad continues. "Katherine... found something out. Something Nila didn't want anyone to know. That was how she got her back there yesterday, one reason why she didn't tell anyone... because Katherine was blackmailing her... just like we were afraid of. When she was explaining herself, Katherine said that she had been threatening Nila in an attempt to get her to reveal her secret... that she never meant to actually go through with it. And they somehow believed her, I guess."

"And the secret?" Mom asks, her voice nearly trembling, her eyes full of fear.

Dad's face makes it clear he's barely holding it together, desperately trying to be strong for his wife. There's another long moment of silence, another time when neither Joel nor Dad wants to say it, but they both know it needs to be said.

Finally, Dad reaches out and takes Mom's hand. When he speaks, his voice is barely audible, moisture written behind it. "She's... she's been cutting."

Mom's eyes close, but not before I see tears in them. "No," she whispers, and her head drops to Dad's chest.

The sight of them, the sound Dad's choked voice as he finally says it, makes me sick.

How could I do this to them? How could I break their hearts like this? I was so focused on the fact that they wouldn't love me anymore, but I didn't even think about how painful of a process that would be for them. Of course they haven't realized it yet. Right now, all they are is heartbroken. It'll be down the road... maybe later today, maybe tomorrow, maybe this week, or maybe not for several, that they realize how much they've come to hate me. But right now? I'm looking at four devastated people... the four people I'm closest to in the whole world... and I can't believe I did this to them.

All I want to do is kill myself and take this heartbreak out of their lives.