Who You Are // Unspoken

Nila

As soon as Dad's gone, I run back to my room and check my arm again. The sleeve didn't do anything to the makeup. Hallelujah.

I spend the rest of the time that he's gone mentally rehearsing for every conversation path I can think of when we're at the school today.

Hopefully, they'll talk to us separately from Katherine and Zach. But I know that's probably not gonna happen. And I know what Katherine's gonna do when it does. But I just gotta keep my head on. Be fierce, but not desperate. Angry, but not scared. And solid, but not biting. Just be the you you're supposed to be, and you'll be okay.

I hope.

Dad's back with Phoenix and Leo—he would have dropped Jude off at Preschool on his way home—within half and hour, and, just a little bit after he's handed them off to a mother who's missed her kiddos, Joel and Moriah arrive.

I hear them outside, and Dad gets up to answer the door. I close my eyes for a long moment, taking a deep breath. This is it. This is when it starts. Get it together. Be Elsa... Conceal, don't feel. Don't let anyone see. You're fine, you're fine, you're fine. Got it?

Dad opens the door and steps outside to greet them, and he and Joel hesitate there, talking quietly. But Moriah comes in ahead of them, and I rise to greet her, forcing a smile and returning her embrace.

"I'm so sorry, Nila," she whispers.

I shrug, forcing myself to keep meeting her gaze. "It's fine. I mean... it sucked, but I'm fine."

"Yeah, sure," she replies, a little playfully, but with seriousness behind the initial lighthearted tone.

I open my mouth to answer, but I'm saved by my little brother as he charges down the stairs ahead of Mom, who's holding Leo. Phoenix throws his arms around Moriah's legs, and she goes into instant aunt mode.

I turn away from them just in time to have my gaze caught by Joel's as he and Dad finally come in. Without saying anything, he holds out his arms for me. I step forward and hug him, and I'm reminded of how hard it is not to break when I'm right here.

"I love you so much," he murmurs. "And I'm so, so sorry, Darling."

"Joel, I told you," I sigh as he finally lets me free. "I'm fine."

He shakes his head slowly as he looks at me. "I'm here for you, Love."

I just roll my eyes and look back over to Moriah and the boys. But I hear the slight, heartbroken sighs that pass both Dad and Joel's lips.

"Alright," Dad says after a long moment and a glance at his phone. "let's get going. Nila, are you sure you want to come?"

"Yeah, I'm sure," I reply as lightly as I can. "Seriously, I'm fine."

Mom walks across the room and hugs me. "You're probably the bravest girl I know, Nila Smallbone. I love you."

"I love you too, Mom." I look at Leo, who she's still holding, and plant a kiss on his head. "See you later, Simba."

Phoenix looks up at me suddenly, a little sadness coming onto his little face. "Are you weaving for school again?" he asks disappointedly.

I kneel down to his level, smiling. "Only for a little this time, okay? I'll be back soon. You won't even miss me with Aunt Moriah and Mom here."

"Okay," he agrees, his face brightening as he obviously remembers Mo. "Bye, Nila."

"Bye," I reply before straightening. "Bye, Mo."

She smiles at me. "Hang in there, Baby. I'll see you soon."

She and Mom kiss Joel and Dad goodbye, and we head out the door.

Dad starts the car to "Who You Are" by Unspoken just beginning on the radio. I have to fight tears just thinking about the lyrics, but I battle to keep my face under control.

I know that look you're givin', like you got something to prove.

Cuz I have walked for miles and miles in that same pair of shoes.

You refuse forgiveness, like it's something to be earned.

And sometimes pain's the only way that we can learn.

You can never fall too hard, so fast, so far,

That you can't get back when you're lost.

Where you are's never too late, so bad, so much, that you can't change

Who you are, ooh.

You can change who you are, ooh.

You believe in freedom, but you don't know how to choose.

You gotta step out of your feelings that you're so afraid to lose.

And every day, you put your feet on the floor, you gotta walk through the door.

It's never gonna be easy, but it's all worth fighting for.

You can never fall too hard, so fast, so far,

That you can't get back when you're lost.

Where you are's never too late, so bad, so much, that you can't change

Who you are, ooh.

You can change who you are, ooh.

So let the ashes fall wherever they land.

Come back from wherever you ran,

To the foot of the Cross.

To the feet of Jesus. The feet of Jesus.

You can never fall too hard, so fast, so far,

That you can't get back when you're lost.

Where you are's never too late, so bad, so much, that you can't change.

You can never fall too hard, so fast, so far,

That you can't get back when you're lost.

Where you are's never too late, so bad, so much, that you can't change

At the foot of the Cross, you can change it.

Who you are.

At the foot of the Cross, you can change it.

Who you are.

You can change who you are, ooh.

You can change, ooh.

When the song's over and commercials start playing, Joel turns it down and turns to look at me, his gaze serious.

"Look, Nila," he says gently. "Before we go in there, we just... want you to know that, no matter what, we love you. Nothing can ever, ever change that."

"I know, Joel," I sigh. "You've said like ten million times." But I can't meet his gaze.

"Love, we don't think you do know," Dad tells me, heartbreak in his tone, though his eyes have to stay on the road. "Because... whatever Katherine knows, Nila... you're terrified of us finding out. Darling, that breaks our hearts."

"Dad, I told you, she doesn't know anything." I can only pray I'm doing a half-way decent job of lying. "She just threatened to spread rumors that weren't true, that's all."

He sighs, a sad sound that makes my stomach clench.

It's Joel that speaks up again. "Nila... are you sure?" He goes on before I can respond. "It's just you and us right now, Sweetheart. It doesn't matter what it is, you can lay it out right now. It's not going to change the way we see you. It's not going to do anything but make us love you that much more."

"I told you." The lie makes me sick as it leaves my lips. "There's nothing I'm not telling you guys."

Joel just nods slowly, his eyes telling me that he still doesn't believe me, but he turns to face the front again.

"We love you, Nila," Dad adds after a long moment. "More than you can ever know."

"I love you too," I whisper.

Don't cry. You can't cry.

We're pulling into the school parking lot by the end of the next song they play on the radio. I feel my stomach tighten, like I can't breathe. You're fine. It's gonna be just fine.

But I'm standing on shaking legs the moment my feet touch the ground.

With Dad and Joel on either side of me, we walk across the parking lot and through the doors that go straight to the front office.

The secretary, Ms. Wellton, looks up as we come in. "Mr. Smallbone," she greets Dad, "you have an appointment, right?"

He nods. "That's right."

"Excellent. You'll be meeting with one of our assistant principals, Mr. Asting, as well as Mr. Schelly, as you requested, so I'll let them know you're here."

She rises from her desk to do so.

"Thank you," Dad tells her, and she nods.

"Of course." She looks at me and smiles again. "Nila. Getting ready to head out on tour with these two again?"

I kind of forgot about it, but the answer is yes. We're leaving tomorrow for our next set of touring.

"Yeah," I reply, forcing a look to match her own. "We're leaving tomorrow, right, Dad?"

He nods, the fondness in his eyes when he looks over at me enough to make me want to shoot myself over guilt.

"That's right, Love."

Wellton disappears around the bend and into an office, emerging a moment later. Before she returns to us, she pokes her head into the office that I know to be Schelly's, saying something briefly. When she comes back to us, she has another one of those too-sweet smiles on her face.

"You can go ahead and go into Mr. Asting's office now. You saw the one?"

Dad nods. "We did. Thank you."

"Of course."

We all rise again from the seats we'd taken, and, once again, I feel my legs shaking underneath me.

Joel's standing finds my back, rubbing gently as we walk. He doesn't say anything, because he doesn't have to.

Schelly meets us as we pass his office, falling in step beside us.

"Luke," he greets my dad. "It's good to see you again. And you as well, Joel."

"The same to you," Dad replies with a small smile. "We're very grateful for everything you've done for us."

"Of course," he says, and for the first time, curiosity that he was obviously trying to hide comes into his eyes as he looks at me. "Nila, you good, girl?"

I nod, forcing a smile. "I'm fine."

But Joel's soft, loving whisper in my ear makes me look back at the floor.

"Liar."

As we enter the office, Mr. Asting rises to meet us, shaking hands with first Dad, then Joel.

"You must be Mr. Smallbone," he says to my father, then raises a questioning eyebrow at Joel. "And Mr....?"

"Smallbone as well," he responds with a slight smile. "I'm Luke's older brother."

"Ah, I see," Asting replies, obviously uncertain as to why my uncle is here. "And we've met before, haven't we, Nila?"

I nod. "Once or twice."

"That's what I thought," he replies easily, then sits down behind his desk once more, gesturing for us to do the same. Schelly's own seat, obviously prepared for him for this meeting, is positioned on the same side of the desk as Astings, just to the side instead of directly behind it.

When we're all sitting down, Asting looks at Dad.

"Now. You said you'd like to discuss an incident from tomorrow with me?"

"I would," he replies, and I can see him taking a deep breath. "Yesterday, after the final bell, on school property, my daughter..." He places a hand over one of mine that I can't quite keep from trembling, swallowing hard. "My daughter was sexually assaulted by a boy, another student hear, who was put up to it by another student, a girl."

Asting's face is instantly serious. "Sexually assaulted? How? Do you have any proof?"

Dad's face tightens. "My daughter's pain is proof enough to me, but, yes. A boy from her youth group who attends here as well, Legend, saw it happening from a school window, so he took this video as proof." He slides his phone across the desk, and Asting picks it up, Schelly leaning over to watch as well, his face evident with concern.

After he's watched it, Asting hands the device back slowly. "I see," he says slowly. "What are the names of these students?"

Dad looks at me. I take a shaky breath. "Katherine Benning and Zach Whilrot." I hate how small my voice comes out.

"And the student who took this video?"

"Legend Valling."

He nods gravely. "Alright." He picks up his phone, obviously to speak to the Ms. Wellton again. "Shari, can you please call Katherine Benning and Zach Whilrot to the office? Thank you."

He looks back to us when he's hung up the phone. "Alright. While they're coming, can you please give me some more details? Nila, what happened?"

Another shaking breath, and once again, my voice comes out disgustingly tiny. "Um... in English, Katherine slipped me a note telling me to meet her behind the school after the last bell. She said that if she didn't, she'd spread fake rumors about me around the school. So I went, and she had Zach around the corner. She knew I was... was going to save my first kiss for my wedding day..." I glance at Joel. "Like my Aunt Moriah, and she's... she's hated me since we were little... we grew up together. So she asked him if he would shatter my plans by kissing me, and he... he did."

Despite my best efforts, the tears begin to squeeze out, and I shut my eyes against them. Dad's hand is immediately on my shoulder in silent comfort.

I stare at the carpet, feeling the weight of all of this shame like a yoke on my back. "Katherine said that if I told anyone, she'd still spread the rumors, so I... didn't. And that's it, I guess."

"I see." But he almost sounds like he doesn't believe me. "Now, if you didn't tell your father and uncle here, then who did?"

"Legend showed that video to my youth pastor," I whisper. "And he... told Dad."

"Alright." He sighs heavily. "Next time, you need to ignore any threats you're given and tell us and your parents immediately. Yes?"

"Yes." No.

I can see tightness on both Dad and Joel's faces at the fact that he's half-yelling at me for what happened, but neither say anything.

"Also," Asting continues, "you are going to have to accept responsibility for going to meet her. I understand that you were being blackmailed, but you shouldn't have let that control you, and if you needed to, you should have reported that as well."

I have to bite my tongue to keep myself from saying that if I was being blackmailed, that wasn't exactly an option. Besides, he seems to think I don't blame myself. I do. I lay all responsibility for this on my shoulders.

"I know," I whisper. "I know that it's my fault."

"Darling, it's not your fault," Joel tells me, catching my gaze before I can look away. "I know your dad's told you that. Don't blame yourself for this. It wasn't you."

"Mr. Smallbone," Asting says before I can respond. "I agree that there were other guilty parties, but Nila is not free of responsibility for this. You'll only make this process more difficult if you convince her she is."

Joel takes a deep breath, obviously biting back a million things that he wants to say.

Before he can find a polite response, there's a tap at the door.

I look over my shoulder, and I feel my stomach instantly tighten. Zach.

"You wanted to see me?" he asks, looking over us with a bored gaze. His eyes land on me, and understanding invades it, as well as a little nervousness.

"That's right," Asting says, his tone friendly. "Come in, Zach. Grab yourself a chair from outside, and would you mind getting one for Katherine, too?"

He shrugs, still trying to keep up his bored persona, and retrieves the chairs, sinking down in one after he's set them down.

After a few seconds of strained silence, another tap at the door reveals Katherine's presence. Unlike Zach's uncaring attitude, she's obviously trying to paint herself the picture of innocence. But in the moment I look over my shoulder and accidentally meet her eyes, she sends me a look of pure hatred.

"Welcome, Katherine," Asting greets her, his tone still friendly... friendlier than he ever was with us. "Please, sit down."

She flashes him a winning smile. "Thank you, Mr. Asting."

It takes every ounce of self-control inside of me not to roll my eyes.

"Alright, now that we're all here," Asting says, "Katherine, Zach, we have a video taken yesterday of the two of you working together to..." He hesitates. "Take away Nila's first kiss. Katherine, Nila says you blackmailed her with rumors... lies, she says, into coming behind the school, where you had Zach waiting to kiss her, which he did. Zach, you first. What were you told?"

He swallows hard. "Uh... Katherine's boyfriend is a buddy of mine, so when she told me she needed a favor, I said sure without asking. And, uh, when she asked me to kiss NIla, I... thought she was setting us up or something. Like, I thought Nila wanted to kiss me."

I glare at him. "How is it that everyone else in the school knew that I was saving my first kiss and you didn't?"

He shrugs. "I don't pay attention to people like you."

"And what about when I told you not to touch me?" I ask steadily, though I can't keep the fire out of eyes. "And asked you both to just let me go?"

"I... uh... don't remember that part," he replies weakly.

"Now, Nila," Asting cuts in. "The video couldn't pick up on what was said. So you have no proof that you actually told him those things."

"What about when she was backing away from him?" Dad asks quietly. "We didn't need to hear what they were saying to be able to tell that she was absolutely terrified."

Asting sighs. "Alright, we'll come back to this. Katherine, your side of the story."

"Well," she says carefully. "unlike what Nila told you, I was not blackmailing her with random rumors. I... found out about a secret of hers, and..." She sighs, shaking her head. "I knew she needed to tell someone about it, so I was just trying to nudge her to do so. I didn't mean to actually go through with the whole kiss thing. I thought she'd give, but then things just happened too fast. I was just trying to help her get help."

"I don't have a secret," I retort fiercely. "And you have never done a thing in your life that's been for my good!"

Schelly, who's been silent so far, just watching us with concern and sadness in his gaze, speaks up. "I have to agree with Nila on that one," he admits. "She's has told me that Katherine has hated her since they were little... they were in the same foster home before they were both adopted. I've seen her giving her trouble myself and asked her repeatedly to leave her alone. It would be fairly impossible for me to believe that Katherine could do anything out of love and concern for Nila."

"Don't jump to conclusions," Asting replies simply. "Katherine, what is this secret that you know?"

Katherine fanes surprise. "Oh... you don't know?" She looks at my dad. "Mr. Smallbone, do you know what I'm talking about?"

With his hand holding mine, he slowly shakes his head. "No..."

"That's because it's a lie!" I cut in, desperately trying not to sound too desperate.

"Nila, I thought you trusted these two with your life," Katherine says, her tone friendly but her eyes mocking me. "They really must not love you as much as you say they do."

Dad and Joel both straighten at that, but I speak before they can.

"Katherine, how many times are you gonna try to convince me of that before you figure out that it's never gonna work?"

"Well, let's see, shall we?" she asks, her smile evil. "Tell them and see what happens."

"There's nothing to tell them," I say through gritted teeth.

"Nila..." My dad catches my gaze before I can look away. "Are you sure, Love? We told you... just lay it out. Nothing can ever change how much we love you. Nothing can change how much you're worth. Just tell us what's going on."

"Dude, this isn't an interview," Katherine mutters, under her breath, but plenty loud enough for all of us to hear. "You're not being recorded. You can cut the *********."

Dad and Joel both ignore her, their gazes locked on me.

I force myself to hold Dad's gaze. "I told you, nothing's going on. She's lying."

"Can one of you please tell us what she may or may not be lying about?" Asting sighs. "Katherine, what do you know?"

"One last chance," she tells me, her tone taunting me. "You wanna tell 'em and see what happens?"

"There's nothing to tell them," I respond stubbornly.

"Fine." She looks from Dad, to Joel, and back again. "Your little princess, your priceless poster-child, is a ******* cutter."