So it's been like two months and I hate myself and I'm sorry. School sucks. Anyway, here it is, late but it's here.

Thanks to @limitlessbravecraver for inspiring part of this through a role-play we did a while back. And @abbeythecraver thanks so much for the ideas you gave me... they'll be in the next chapter. I hope. Sometimes tiny things like a car ride take me like seventeen million words. 😝

I'll Be the Light // Colton Dixon

Nila

I stumble through the school, towards the front entrance, willing myself not to cry. I can't. I can't make Dad wait any longer, and if I cry now, there's no way I'll be able to stop before I'm out to him.

I can't believe that just happened. I can't... I won't... how?

Somehow, I'm able to bite back the tears as I push through the doors and hurry towards where I see Dad's car on the circle drive.

Deep breath. You can do this. Don't screw up. Don't let it slip.

I set my shoulders, exhale deeply, and open the passenger's door, sliding in with my backpack at my feet.

Dad greets me with a smile, but I can't look him in the eye.

"Hello, Love. How was school?"

"It was good."

Out of the corner of my eye, I see concern flash over his face, and I inwardly curse myself. You are such a screw up!

Dad's next words confirm my worst fears.

"Nila, Darling, what's wrong?" he asks.

"Nothing!" I know that was too fast. "I'm fine," I add more calmly. "What makes you think I'm not?"

He looks at me for a long moment, worry written in his eyes. "You're sure?"

"Yes, Dad!" I sigh, forcing amused annoyance into my voice. "I'm positive."

"Alright, if you say so," he says, smiling slightly, though the look in his eyes doesn't change. "You know I love you?"

I turn to him, giving him a long look while still avoiding his eyes. I hold up the hand with the rings on it for extra sass. "No, I forgot."

The sarcasm is so normal for me that it should satisfy him at least a little.

"Alright, alright," he laughs, turning to the road and pulling out of line and into the parking lot to head home. But I can tell he's still a long way off from believing me.

But I just can't find it in me to try harder, so instead, I turn up the radio and begin to sing along softly with Chris in "I Will Follow".

Get it together. Learn to act. Or else, Katherine or no Katherine, your "bloody little secret" is going to be out, and you are going to be dead meat.

Time skip sponsored by Fred the Dog

I make it home with no more questions, and I immediately retreat to my room with the excuse of homework.

I actually don't have much, and I finish it in less than an hour.

So I spend fifteen minutes that feels like a day pacing the length of my room, struggling not to cry. Because I still don't trust myself to be able to stop when I need to.

But... how? How is this happening to me? How is this my life?

I hate it. I hate how easily my perfect little Christian life collapsed underneath my feet. I hate myself... the way I can be the Priceless posterchild one minute and then the picture of worthlessness the next, while still acting like what I used to be.

I can close my eyes, and feel his mouth on mine, his weight against me, the lust in his motions...

I yank myself out of the trance with a start.

Stop it. Just stop it.

And, suddenly, I can't hold the tears back, and they come out in a rush, as I drop to my bed with my head in my hands.

I just want to die.

I can't believe the thought as it's formed, but it's true. So quickly, my life has become a collage of pain, shame, and lies, and I can't take it. So quickly, things that I used to be so sure of have dropped from absolute truth to complete lies.

The penny around my neck feels like it weighs two tons.

Suddenly, I can't take it anymore, the lie so plainly presented as truth, and I reach back, unclasping my necklace swiftly, reclasping it not around my neck, and dropping it onto my nightstand.

My head doesn't return to my hands, and my hand doesn't return to my lap. Instead, it reaches for the box from Joel, opens it, and closes around the scissors. My left arm drops, surrendered to its fate, and I can't stop myself from beginning to mercilessly swipe.

The pain eases the ache, the flashbacks, the terrible hopelessness that begs to overcome me, but it doesn't make it stop, even for that fleeting moment.

Because it's not death. And that's the only true escape there is for me right now.

I can't change my past. I can't take away these scars. I can't make God return to me. I can't make myself worth everything I've been told I am. And I can't control the hurt, except in too-short moments of blood and pain that are quickly replaced with stinging shame.

I can't do any of that. But death can do all of it.

"Nila!" I jump at my mother's call from downstairs. "Dinner's ready, Sweetheart!"

"Coming!" I yell back, straightening sharply. I don't allow myself time to think about the fresh, bloody scar on my arm as I yank down my sleeve, shove my blade in my box and close it, and stand up.

Oh my gosh how am I gonna do this? The boys are having a sleepover with Grandma and Grandpa, so it's just gonna be me and Mom and Dad. Kill me now, why don't you?

But for real though.

I shove the thought away, set my shoulders, check my face, and head downstairs.

The minute I reach the bottom, my eyes lock on the two figures standing in the living room, and I step back in surprise.

"Joel? Moriah?"

They turn to me, and smile, as each walk over to hug me in turn.

"Surprise," Moriah says as she does. "Happy Adoption Day, Baby."

"Oh my gosh, you guys are making too big of a deal about this," I sigh, shaking my head.

"Impossible to do, Darling," Joel replies with a grin. "We're just too blessed to have you in the family."

"Yeah, whatever," I sigh, rolling my eyes. I glance at Moriah, muttering so that only she can hear.

"Oh my gosh, what is wrong with your husband and his brother lately? They have been being such freaking weirdos."

She smiles, murmuring back. "There are a good many things wrong with those too, Ni. But I don't believe that their need to love on you is one of them."

I roll my eyes again. "Yeah, yeah, yeah."

Dad jumps between us as he appears from the kitchen, grinning as he asks in a perfect American accent, "What are you two whispering about?"

I glare at him. "Um, no, Dad. Never again. If you ever talk like that again, I swear I will cut your tongue out."

Joel laughs at Dad's offended expression.

"Ah, I have to agree with her on that one, Mate. We just can't take you seriously."

Like he's one to talk, but I keep my mouth shut.

Dad rolls his eyes, but he can't fight back his smile. "Fine, then."

I smirk. "That's right, Dad. Get wrecked."

He sighs in defeat as Mom's voice carries to us from the kitchen.

"Alright, Nila, stop torturing your father and get in here. Dinner's ready."

We all head into the dining room, and they slide into their seats. Joel already has a water bottle, so I turn to Moriah.

"Mo, do you want a Coke or something? Or water?"

"A Coke would be great," she says. "Thanks."

"Nila dear, would you get me a glass of water?" Dad asks from where he's helping Mom carry over the last of dinner.

"No way, Dad," I quip sarcastically. "Way too much trouble."

I grab Mo's Coke, fill two cups with water, and juggle all three as I walk over to the table, setting the soda in front of Moriah and both waters in front of me.

"Courtney!" Dad whines as they both sit down. "Our daughter will not be my slave—er, get my water."

Mom can't hide her smile as she gives me a look. "Nila..."

I roll my eyes. "Yeah, yeah, yeah. Did you not notice I have two glasses in front of me, Dad?" I slide one in his direction. "Anyway, what happened to respect and honor, Mr. Slave-driver?"

He slowly reaches for the water. "No, I guess I didn't notice. And I'm your dad, so it's different, knave."

"Oh, yeah?" I ask, fighting back a smile. "Well, then, Joel, you better add that to your speech... 'Treat women like the priceless gems they are! Unless, of course, the woman happens to be your daughter, in which case she ain't!'"

Dad laughs. "Hey, you should, Joel. It's a great addition, don't you think?"

I don't give Joel the chance to respond.

"Oh, yes, Father dearest," I pop off, still fighting a smile. "Better kick me outta my room and make me sleep under the stairs, too. Have mice as my only friends. Sweep all day and eat your table scraps."

Dad opens his mouth, but Mom cuts him off. "Alright, you two. You bicker worse than Jude and Phoenix! Luke, be the father, not the sibling. And how about you pray for us?"

Laughing, he obediently blesses the meal of Chinese stir fry, which is one of my favorites and everyone knows it, and we start passing dishes.

As soon as I see the food, my stomach clenches and the lighthearted joy of the moment disappears.

"I see you're not eating. Again. Glad to see you took my advice. After all, that belly grows much more and your Aunt Moriah is gonna be mighty disappointed in you... she'll think that you've been sleeping around and have got... you know... a baby on the way."

I set my jaw against the echo of her words, taking the main dish from Joel, at my right, and scooping a tiny portion onto my plate.

I pass the dish again, before I hear Joel's murmur from his place beside me.

"If that plate is for a bird friend, you better put some more on it, because it's not enough to keep one alive, my dear."

"Shut up," I hiss back. "I'm not hungry."

"You haven't been hungry for a week," he shoots in the same lowered tone.

"So what?" I ask as I scoop some salad onto my plate, passing the dressing without touching it.

"Exactly," he returns. "So what's up?"

"Nothing, you weirdo."

"Insulting me doesn't mean you can ignore the question, Love."

"You know what, Joel?"

"Alright, you two, whisper-fighting is still fighting," Moriah laughs. "I don't know what you're saying to each other, but you've been hissing for a solid minute."

"Your husband's annoying," I tell her, rolling my eyes.

"Your niece isn't eating enough," he counters.

"I'm eating plenty, Mr.-thinks-he-runs-my-life!"

"Hmm, good point," he says grinning. "I do not run your life."

"Thank you," I tell him with a smirk.

He returns the look, before looking back and forth between my parents. "Luke, Courtney, make her eat more."

"You know what, Joel?" I squeak, turning to look at him.

"Alright, alright," Courtney laughs. "My goodness, you would think we have three children in the house tonight, not a teenager and two grown men." She glances at my plate and raises an eyebrow. "But he has a point, Ni. Try to eat a little more than that, please."

I groan, letting my head drop to my hands. "What is wrong with you people?"

In the movement, I feel my cuff drop ever so slightly. In a moment of instinct and panic, I let my other hand drop to it, sliding it up smoothly. That was subtle, right?

I straighten again, just in time to see what looks like a meaningful glance pass between Dad and Joel.

I'm imagining things. I'm just on edge.

They finally give the amount of food on my plate a rest, and we fall into normal conversation for the rest of the meal. By five, we're done, and still have half an hour until I need to head out to youth group... which apparently Joel and Moriah are taking me to, on their way home.

I help my mom clear the dishes, before she hands me a stack of smaller plates. "Go pass those out, Sweetheart."

I take them uncertainly. "Why?"

"Because I made a cake, of course," she laughs. "Now go, and I'll bring it out."

I obediently turn back to the dining room and pass out the plates, but I can feel my stomach tighten. That is the last thing I need right now.

I sink into my seat again as Mom emerges from the kitchen holding the promised cake.

Every word Katherine's been saying to me about this crashes through my memory again and again. I can't do this. But there's no way I can avoid it, either. They're all already suspicious. This would be the last straw.

"What do you sing on an adoption day?" Moriah laughs. "I don't believe I know a song."

"I do!" Joel interjects excitedly.

"Oh really?" his wife asks with a raised eyebrow. "Well then, let's hear it."

Joel stands, smirking, and glances at his younger brother. "You gonna help me out, Mate?"

Dad grins, standing as well, as he obviously catches onto his train of thought. "Ready when you are."

Joel nods, then starts singing at the top of his lungs, confirming my suspicions.

"I see you dressed in white! Every wrong made right!"

"I see a rose in bloom," Dad jumps in, "At the sight of you! Oh, so priceless!"

"You're irreplaceable," Joel takes over again. "Unmistakable, incomparable, Darling, it's beautiful. I see it all in you."

"Oh, so priceless!" they finish out together.

I shake my head as I join Mom and Moriah clapping, and I can't hold myself back from laughing. "You two are dorks."

"Proud ones," Dad says with a grin, and he and Joel both sit down again as Mom starts to cut the cake and pass it out.

Once again, all of the joy of the last moment disappears when she sets a peace in front of me. I think I'm going to be sick.

"Alright, before we eat that," Mom adds, "I have something else." She disappears back into the kitchen, reappearing with a bottle of something fancy and a stack of plastic wine glasses.

I roll my eyes. "Oh, my gosh, are you serious, Mom?"

She smiles at me. "Yes, I am, and you're gonna have to deal with it, Sweety. We love you too much not to make a fuss."

I sigh. "Yeah, whatever."

Dad pours the drink, which I now recognize as one they sell at Whole Foods, that we've had before. When everyone has a plate and a glass, he raises his cup.

"To Nila, because she's our priceless diamond, and we love her so very much."

I sink lower in my seat, feeling my cheeks gets warm, as they all echo, "To Nila," and raise their glasses. I only join them for a sip.

"Alright, we'll stop now, Ni," Mom laughs as she sees the look on my face. "Just eat."

They all begin to do just that, and I know I have to do the same.

But I... I just don't know if I can.

I force myself to take a bite, and then another, desperately not to show any outward sign of the nausea I'm fighting.

Every bite I take, another one of Katherine's sentences echoes through my mind. It's fine. It's just one night. I am trying to fix it.

But I still feel like I'm going to be sick.

Somehow, I suffer through most of the piece, though I do slip a few bites to the dog. Obviously, they do notice, but Joel just shakes his head.

"That dog is spoiled rotten."

"Hah, that's just hilarious coming from you," I scoff. "Your cat is your baby and your dog is your child."

He rolls his eyes. "At least I don't feed them from the table." He gets a hard look from Moriah, and amends the statement with a small smile. "Mostly."

I exhale, rolling my eyes, but don't say anything. I'm just glad that I'm through that cake.

Glad, huh? That's not how I would be putting it. You just proved why Katherine's been saying what she has. You gain weight because you won't say enough is enough.

I couldn't say no to that. They're celebrating me, and they would have known something was up.

Cause it would be such a bad thing for you to go on a diet. You're acting like they can't see the same as Katherine can.

But... I don't know. I know them. I had to eat it.

But I still feel sick because of it.

Hopefully you are sick. That way, you don't actually take in the calories. It'd probably eliminate the problem of supper, too.

I shove the thought away and clear the dishes a second time. It's Dad that follows me into the kitchen this time, as I start to rinse them and he loads them into the dishwasher.

"Did your sleeves need washed?" he asks mildly, glancing at where my unrolled cuffs are already soaked.

I roll my eyes. "It's not like they won't dry. And it's too much work to roll them back."

"Would you like me to do it for you?" he laughs.

"No!" Hopefully he'll think the urgency I couldn't keep from my voice was sarcastic or something. "Oh my gosh, Dad, who freaking cares if my sleeves get wet?"

He shakes his head, smiling. "Alright, alright. Get them wet if you're so attached to the idea."

But I sense a hint of uncertainty behind his words. It's fine. He'll move on and forget about it.

I hope.

By the time Dad and I are finished with the dishes, it's about time to leave, so I run upstairs, grab my phone, check my makeup and hair, and yank on my shoes. Finally, I run back downstairs, where I find Moriah and Mom laughing about something while Dad and Joel are in a corner, talking quietly.

I raise my eyebrow in their direction. "What's up with them?"

Mom shrugs. "Who knows with those two. You ready to go?"

I nod. "Whenever Chatty Cathy over there is."

After a long moment, they seem to be done with their little side-conference, and walk back over to us. Joel grins at me.

"Ah, my lady. Your carriage awaits."

I raise both eyebrows, mouthing "okay" before turning to Mom and Dad.

"Bye. Thanks for everything."

"You know me," Mom says, "I'll be in bed before you get home. So love you, Baby."

I smile. "Love you too."

"And I'll pick you up tonight, Love," Dad tells me. "So I'll see you then."

I nod. "See you," and follow Joel and Moriah out the door and to their car.

From the backseat, I raise an eyebrow as Joel climbs into the driver's seat. "Oh boy. Hopefully I survive the drive."

He shakes his head. "I'm an amazing driver and you know it."

"You keep telling yourself that," I quip in return.

When he starts the car, the radio comes on as well, with tobyMac's new one, "I Just Need U", and I start singing along softly, as does Mo. Once it's over, it switches to a DJ, so Joel turns it down and glances back at me.

"So how was school, Love?"

School today was hell on earth, thanks for asking.

I fake a smile. "It was fine."

"Just fine?" he presses.

"Oh my goodness Joel it was the best day of my life!" I sass, rolling my eyes. "What do you want me to do? Go into all of the horribly boring details of high school life?"

"Hey, I was homeschooled," he chuckles. "So they wouldn't be so boring to me."

"Yeah, whatever," I sigh. "Get 'em from someone else."

"Ouch."

"Yep."

"How's Luna?" Moriah asks, turning to look at me.

I give her a wan smile. "You know, she's as fabulous as ever. She ditched with a boy today, which was dumb, but you know."

"With a boy?" Mo asks, a little concern coming into her voice.

I shrug. "One she's been crushing on for a while who finally asked her out. I told her to be careful, and not to make a habit out of it."

"Good job," she agrees, facing front again. "She's a smart girl, though. She should be okay."

I nod, and Joel glances back at me. "What about Katherine?"

Be cool.

"I think she's okay. She's been leaving me alone lately."

"You sure?"

"Yeah, of course I am."

Get it together.

He hesitates, like he's trying to decide whether or not to say something else.

"You know if she ever pushes to the point that it's not just childish teasing you can do something about it, right?" he asks finally.

"Yeah, I know. It's cool, Joel."

"And you know even her little comments are nothing but lies?" he presses gently.

"Of course I know," I groan.

"As long as you do," he says seriously as he pulls into the church parking lot and parks along the walkway. "I'm gonna walk you in. I need to return a book to the library in here."

"Be careful, Ni," Moriah giggles. "He's probably planning something. The last time he told me that, he proposed in there."

"Yes, as soon as you stopped freaking out about us being in the way of someone getting proposed to and let me do it," he laughs. "Come on, Ni."

I obediently scramble from the car. "By, Mo."

"See ya later, Baby," she calls after me. "Love you."

"Love you too." And I close the door.

Joel offers me his arm, and, shaking my head, I take it and we head in.

"Why does she get a nice, sweet little, Love you too, yet I get about as much sarcasm and sass as I can take?" he asks, looking down at me with an amused light to his eyes.

"Cause she doesn't say it every fifth sentence," I reply. "Unlike you and your little brother."

"Yes, whatever you say, Darling," he sighs, pulling the door open for both of us without detaching me from his arm.

We come into the church gallery, where he'll go a little into the hall for the stairs up to the library, and I'll turn through the door that leads to the basement, aka the area of the church that belongs to the youth.

"And this is where we split," he says, once again looking down at me, but this time with a deep fondness in his eyes.

I've seen it so many times before, yet tonight, it just makes me feel guilty. He wouldn't look at me like that ever again if he knew what I've been doing. If he knew what happened to me because of it. And I can't hold his gaze, so I look away, trying not to make the reason obvious.

"Yeah, I guess it is."

I can feel the concern that flits through his look when I stop meeting it without even seeing it happen.

Oh, good job there. Real smooth.

"You're a few minutes early," he says, worry lacing the affection in his voice this time. "Let's sit down for a minute, yeah?"

Trying to hide my nervousness, I follow him over to the area just inside the doors, with armchairs and a couch set around a fake fire place. He pulls me down beside him on the couch and looks me in the eye, taking both of my hands in his.

"Alright, my dear," he begins quietly as I tear my eyes away from his. "I know I say it every fifth sentence, but I love you."

I sigh. "I know, Joel."

I know you think you love me. I know you love the person I used to be.

"And I'm here for you," he continues, squeezing my hands softly.

"I know, Joel," I repeat.

He sighs ever-so-slightly, a sad sound. "And I'm worried about you, Darling."

"I still don't know why," I say in return, struggling to keep my face set.

"Because you won't look at me." The whisper is gentle and heartbroken.

I force my eyes up to his, though it's a struggle to keep them there. "I'm fine, Joel."

The look in those eyes is almost more than I can take, but I know I can't look away now. They plead with me for another long moment, before he finally exhales slowly.

"Alright. I don't think so, but I'm not going to push. But if you change your mind, I'm just a text or a call away. Okay?"

I groan. "Okay."

"I love you, my dear," he murmurs, pulling me into a hug. I return it, trying not to break at the safety I feel in his arms.

"I love you too," I say as he finally releases me. "And I told you that you say it too much."

"Quite impossible, Love," he laughs, though the worry isn't gone from his eyes.

I rise from my seat, waving to him as I head for the basement door. "Bye. Thanks for everything."

"Goodbye, Nila," he sighs, rising as well and watching me go. "And what are you worth?"

I let out an exasperated sigh. "You're as bad as dad. More than all the money in the world."

"And don't you dare forget it."