No Shame // Moriah Peters

Nila

I can feel the eyes of everyone in the school on me as I walk towards the bathroom, but I can't stop the quiet tears that are streaming down my face.

Whispers ripple through the bunches of students sitting on the floor to eat, and I only feel them come that much harder.

"Is that Nila Smallbone?"

"Wait, as in Little Miss Priceless?"

"Isn't she the adopted daughter of one of those religious singers?"

"I didn't think that girl ever cried."

"Awe, look, Daddy's girl finally had a dose of reality."

"Dude, is she okay?"

"Gosh, what happened to her?"

"****. Someone's not having a good day."

There are a few calls asking if I'm alright, but I ignore them. I finally reach the nearest bathroom, and push through, desperately hoping no one else is in here. By some miracle since it is lunch, it's empty. I still lock myself into the furthest stall though, and feel every last bit of self-control I had in me break.

I melt against the stall door and cry, unable to do anything else.

How did Katherine's friend see the cuts? I've been so careful. Maybe she's bluffing. But it would be a real coincidence that she started that when I started to cut.

The thought really sinks in, and I cry that much harder. Never in my life would I have dreamed that I would be this person. But I am. And I don't even know how it happened.

I just hope this story dies before Luna or any of my friends from youth group get wind of it. Dang. Youth group. Oh, God, please, don't let any of them be in there to hear that.

When I'm finally out of tears, I take a deep breath and straighten, listening hard to make sure no one came in without me noticing. There's nothing, so I timidly unlock the stall and push through, walking to the sinks and looking at myself dully.

Pathetic. My eyeshadow has run all over, even the eyeliner streaking a little. That's what I get for getting the ninety-three-cent stuff. Even my "Priceless" sweater looks somehow bedraggled, like it's realizing it shouldn't be on me because it's lying.

I shove the thought away, my mind snapping back to Dad's words as he handed me the envelope that's currently tucked inside my journal in my backpack.

"And this is what me and Joel have been doing. It's a song, and we wrote it for you. Just... if you ever feel alone, Love... if you ever doubt the fact that we love you, or that you're really worth everything we say you are... open that, and come to us. Alright?"

I squeeze my eyes shut at the memory. I just can't. He thinks he'd love me through it all. But he wouldn't. He couldn't. I'm not even the same person anymore. I don't even know who I am.

Slowly, I take off my backpack and dig inside, pulling out my eyeliner and eyeshadow. I quickly wash the messed up stuff off and redo it, making sure to get it as close to the way it was this morning as I can. I reapply the lipstick, and I'm done.

I look at myself again, and feel my heart sink. Still absolutely and completely pathetic.

But when I check my phone, it's almost time for the bell to ring, so I go ahead and leave my safe-haven behind, heading to my next class, which is AP English. I make it there a few minutes before the end of lunch, so I lean back against the wall outside to wait.

Voices carry to me from down the hall, so I glance that way without much real interest.

Oh please no.

Please, tell me I'm imagining it.

But I'm not. Katherine, along with her boyfriend, are walking down the hallway, and her eyes are on me. She opens her mouth, and I panic.

Without hesitation, I turn, pulling the classroom door open and sliding inside. I back away from it like it's on fire, my eyes locked on the tiny window.

"Nila?" I jump in terror, whirling on the voice to see my teacher, Mr. Hawkins, standing there, looking at me curiously. "What's the matter? You look like you just saw a ghost out there or something."

I force a smile, my mind racing for an excuse. "Um... I... I'm fine, actually. I just..." Dang it, Nila, think faster! "My ex-boyfriend is out there, that's all."

Maybe?

The disbelief on his face is all I need to crush my dreams.

"Nila," he sighs, "I hate to break this to you, but everyone in the school knows you've never had a boyfriend. You're a bit of a purity legend around here, you know. So, who's actually out there?"

I let out a long sigh, turning to my desk so I don't have to look him in the face. "No one. I'm fine."

He opens his mouth to disagree, but he's cut off by the first warning bell, and the opening door that follows it.

Saved by the bell, in a literal sense.

"Hey, Mr. Hawkins!" The voice is enough to make me flinch away from its direction, forcing myself not to look.

Right. We share this class.

"Hello, Katherine," he greets in return.

Don't look. Just don't look.

"Oh, Nila!"

Dang it. Why does that woman delight in torturing me?

"You're even earlier that I am," she continues. "It's good to see you. I thought you might leave when you ran out of lunch."

I grit my teeth, not looking at her or even acknowledging the words.

I can feel the curiosity in Mr. Hawkin's gaze, but he doesn't say anything as Katherine finds her seat just in front of me.

The rest of the class trickles in, and we finally get started at the bell. Once again, my focus evades me, and I thank the Lord that English is easy anyway.

I focus on the clock, just willing the rest of the day, and especially this period, forward.

With fifteen minutes left, we turn to working on the papers we have due at the beginning of next week.

I try to center in on my computer screen, but my eyes won't stop traveling back and forth from the clock, to the devil-woman sitting in front of me.

She types a few sentences, waiting for Mr. Hawkins to pass us on his circle of the room. And, like it's just part of writing a paper, she leans over to the girl next to her and whispers something to her. The girl, Samantha, who we've been in school with for a long time, stiffens, her head snapping back to look at me. I immediately glue my eyes to my laptop screen as they whisper a little more, giggling at the end, and finally turn back to writing.

What the heck did she just tell her?

Oh, Jesus, please...

I dare to look at Katherine again, and see that she's writing on one of her notecards. Maybe she's done torturing me for the day. Though it's a little late to still be writing notecards.

When she's done, her head tilts slightly in the direction of our teacher before, seemingly satisfied, she straightens up again, then, in a completely natural movement, she flicks the cards onto the floor. A quick sweep with her foot, and she's kicked it to rest below my desk.

Just leave it there. Watch her simmer when you don't take her bait.

Except... I have to know.

Quickly, I move my elbow just slightly, bumping my pencil and knocking it to the floor.

"Dang it," I murmur quietly, and stoop to pick it up, rescuing the notecard as well. I keep it under my deck to read.

I just told Samantha about your bloody little habit. Meet me out back after school, or I'll make it the entire class next time... and that includes Mr. Hawkins. You know, I hear he and Schelly are tight.

Shoot. Shoot times then billion.

I feel my pulse pick up as I reread it over and over again.

I'm dead. I'm freaking dead. She's right, Mr. Hawkins and Mr. Schelly are friends, and anyway, it wouldn't matter. As soon as a teacher finds out, my counselor knows and since cutting is literally like the definition of hurting yourself, that means my parents would be next.

I'm trapped, and there's no way out of it but to play along. Tears bite at the back of my eyes, but I hold them in with an effort, crumpling the note in my hand.

Since when am I such a freaking puppet?

Time skip sponsored by Lenovo

I have to struggle to stay calm as the last bell of the day rings and I walk out with the rest of my classmates. Dad will be waiting for me, so Katherine better make this quick.

I shouldn't go. She's probably bluffing, and I should call her on it.

She's not bluffing, and you know it. You go, or Dad finds out about how much of a loser you are tomorrow.

I take a deep breath, set my shoulders, and turn to head out the back door.

Katherine's waiting for me a few paces away from the door, her back against the school building and a lazy look on her face. She looks up at me, and a horrid smile takes it over.

"You showed up. Wise decision."

"I told you, Katherine," I reply coldly. "You're not gonna go around telling people that I cut, because I don't. Now what the heck do you want?"

"You're a horrible liar, Nila," she replies easily. "But you're here, so that's what really matters."

"Yeah I'm here, but my dad's waiting, so get on with it," I hiss back.

"Oh, yes, wouldn't want to keep father dearest waiting." Distain is practically dripping from her voice. "Actually, I just had someone I wanted you to meet. Zach, you can come out now."

I take a step back as a tall, muscular guy steps out from around the corner, a bored look on his face.

"Yeah, Katherine, let's get on with this, please. I have places to be."

"Of course, of course," she replies lazily. "First things first, though. Nila, if you tell anyone about this, or if you give any kind of hint that we are or were back here, I share your secret with the whole school. Got it?"

With a feeling of dread in my chest, I nod.

"Great." She looks back at Zach. "Now I know this is asking a lot of you now that you see how fat and ugly Nila is, but she thinks she's better than the rest of us 'cause she's following in her Aunt Moriah's footsteps, and I'm getting pretty sick of it. You wanna crush that little fantasy for her?"

"You mean kiss her?" he asks, raising an eyebrow.

Oh, Jesus, please no!

"That's exactly what I mean, my friend."

"Sure, whatever."

He takes a step toward me, and my terror comes to life.

"Don't touch me!" It comes out a whisper, as I retreat twice the amount he advanced.

"Fine, so you'd rather let your secret out?" Katherine asks, a wicked smile on her face. "Your choice."

"No!" I gasp, stepping back again, and feeling the school wall at my back. "Yes. I... just let me go!"

"Not now that I'm back here," Zach says, smiling a little. "I'm not passing this up."

And just like that, he closes the distance between us, takes hold of my head, and my first kiss is gone.

He doesn't make it short. His body slumps against mine, pinning me against the wall, and he lets one hand slide down, wrapping around my back.

I want to scream, but his mouth pressed against mine, passionately pushing for more, makes it so I can't.

And anyway, I don't think I could even if it wasn't there. Because everything in me just died.

Everything my father and uncle have ever told me just broke. Anything inside of me that still was stupid enough to believe them vanished. I might as well be dead.

Finally, Zach leans back, a smile on his face.

"That was fun."

I open my mouth, but no words come out. He steps away from me, and I sidestep towards the door, almost tripping in my shock and hurry.

I'm still unable to speak as the reality of what just happened hits me like a rock. My hands flies over my mouth, while the other reaches back, fumbling for the knob on the door behind me.

Katherine doesn't try to stop me, simply leaving me with a final warning.

"Remember, Ni, this gets out, you're dead."

And with that, I stumble through the door backwards, and they disappear when it closes.