One - Insanity

》JACK'S POV《

"Filthy!" Then stay away from me.

"Abnormal!" Then don't mind me.

"Weird!" I am well aware of that.

"Ugly!" Don't look at me.

"You're the worst!" Why don't you look at it from another perspective?

"Everybody hates you!" Great! I hate myself, too!

"Just go and kill yourself!" Don't you know? I'm trying.

If you'd just take a look at these scars...

But who cares about it? Even I don't care about it.

I stopped caring about it 30 minutes ago. What happened 31 minutes ago, then?

Seems confusing, right?

But...

Am I really filthy? Or it's just their mindset? I recall in high school that everytime I pass by, they give strange looks. Even though I'm not...Or maybe I am?

Is it true that I'm abnormal? I act normally. What else can I do? Do I have to change something? Or maybe acting normally is abnormal...

I know that I'm weird...Is it a good kind of weird, though?

Ugly, huh?

Taking a look at the mirror, I realize that they were right. Of course I am. No one would even dare to look my way.

I'm trying to kill myself. Each and every day of my life. Of course, you can't see it. All you can see are these scars.

But it's not the knife that digs into my skin that kills me. Not the pain from these wounds that I add every day, not the physical pain.

It was my mind that's killing me. The mental torment that I experience every moment...The thoughts are the one who causes this pain.

It's not the blade that can kill you. It's the thoughts that make you push the blade.

It's not the shotgun that is dangerous. It's the mental stability of a person that makes them pull the trigger.

Yes...It's my mind that's killing me softly.

I tried not to think, but the silence was also a killer.

I know I'm filthy. I'm abnormal and weird. I'm ugly. I know that everyone hates me, and they want me to kill myself.

And who cares?

I'm broken deep inside.

I'm not okay.

I'm depressed.

I'm anxious.

I'm not stable.

I'm fine.

Faking my smile
Insecure
Not okay
Emotionally exhausted.

I'm fine.