Why did I do that? Why did I yell at Dad?

Why do I have to keep screwing up? I never meant for him to cry! He's in pain, and it's all my fault. I hurt one of the few people I care about, and maybe the only person who's ever loved me.

I used to love people. I used to be loved. But the monster in me that I suppressed for so long reared its head. And I hurt them. Virgil never really leaves his room, and I haven't seen him eat in months. He gets paler by the day and is little more than a skeleton. Logan drowns himself in work to escape his brain, and I let my anger, ego, and hate take over me. I'm a monster, and I hurt them. Thomas is in pain daily and stopped eating and sleeping. He just cries, curled into a corner. Joan tries to take care of him, but even they can't make him eat. A mental hospital would be a good choice if he was suicidal, but he isn't. Then again, it may be the only way for him to survive. They can make him eat, stuff him with sleeping pills that'll never work, and maybe they can't fix him, but they can keep him kinda safe. It's very expensive, and being a YouTuber doesn't really include health insurance. He's stopped making videos, stopped trying, stopped creating. I'd like to try to encourage him, but I've stopped too.

I make it up the stairs, and slam my door, sitting on my bed. I look around the room. Gold, Red, white. Too bright. 

I grab a bucket of black paint (don't ask where I got it from), and a brush, and just attack everything. My head hurts. The paint sticks, but it's darker. It's less mess in my brain.

I start to notice everything. The dirty clothes, half-eaten meals, cracked mirror, messy closet, this place is a total dump. I wish I could pick it up, but it hurts so much. I look in the cracked mirror and smile. My face looks perfect with those cracks. It looks like I'm as broken on the outside as I am on the inside.

I slump down onto my bed. I can't believe I said that to Patton. I think I was talking to myself, and letting all my anger out on Patton. I feel awful. He's my dad!

I feel bad about everything I've said. To Virgil, when he hurt Thomas. To Logan, for being so heartless. And to Patton, just for asking if I'm doing ok. It was too much all the time. I yelled at Virgil around two times before he stopped showing up. I said things I regret. I yelled at Logan around five. At that point, he immersed himself in his work and hasn't come out of his room. I yelled at Patton too many times to count. He just keeps trying. He tries to take care of me, but he can't. 

Some cuts can't be healed.
You aren't protected by a broken shield.

Tears running down a made-up face.
All alone, but you still need space.

I wrote these in a mental hospital. It was 'fun'.

I scrunch my face into my pillow and let the sobs wrack my body. I'm all alone. I even pushed away my twin.

"Remus! You're nothing but a filthy trash man, and all you do is screw things up! I don't know how you can stand to be yourself! I'm so done with you! GET OUT!"

I sigh. That was not my proudest moment. I haven't had a single moment I'm proud of in years.

Why am I like this? Why do I push away anyone who tries to care about me? Why can I only hurt people? I used to help. I used to be somebody, (nevermind. Don't miss it that much now (song lyrics)) someone I could be proud of.

I don't know where it went wrong. I was fine... until I wasn't.