It has been flipping forever and I suck. However, I have good news. I have developed an experimental update schedule. I'm going to post the entire thing in a book for it, but I'm going to try to update this one every Monday. We'll see how this goes...

Brianna

As they finish softly singing to me, it really sinks in what's happening. Not only did I just fail at killing myself again, but Joel and Luke Smallbone were the ones to save me this time, and now they're holding me as I helplessly sob. Why does this always happen to me?

I take a deep breath, trying desperately to hold everything back, and pull away from the strong arms of the men holding me.

"I'm so sorry." This time as I whisper it, it's calmer, not desperate, simply utterly ashamed. I let my head drop into my hands, unable to look them in the eye.

"Hey..." It's Luke whose voice speaks first, as he lays a hand on my arm. "Hey. You have nothing to apologize for, Darling."

"Don't be ashamed," Joel adds. "Love, we just want to help."

I just shake my head slowly, not raising it from my hands.

Luke rubs my shoulder gently, like he doesn't know what else to do. His touch is so kind, so safe, and it's all I can do not to break again.

My phone, laying on the shore where I set it before I dropped into the lake, begins vibrating yet again after a tiny break.

From what I can see above my hands, I see Joel looking its way, and my heart sinks.

So that's it, then.

He reaches over, picking it up and looking down at the screen.

"Darling," he murmurs gently, "Someone needs to know you're alright. You're so loved, my dear."

I just shake my head again, still unable to find the words to speak.

He simply reaches out, taking one of my hands, and squeezing it before pressing the phone into it.

I look down in total apprehension. Toby's name is displayed on the call screen.

Though it hurts me to do it, I decline the call. It switches back to my home screen, and I'm greeted by a list of names and numbers. Ten missed calls from Becky. Six from Jace. Seven from Caleb. And twenty-two from Toby. And so many texts.

Becky: Bri, where are you, Sweetheart?

Baby, it's not your fault. I love you.

Bri, please, don't hurt yourself.

I love you. Please come back.

Jace: Bri, it's okay. I'm okay. It's not your fault.

Bri, please. Just tell us where you are.

You have to be okay. Please.

Caleb: Hey, Bri, you're gonna be okay. Everything's gonna be fine. Just tell me where you are, and I'm gonna keep you safe

Sweetheart, please don't hurt yourself. It's okay. Jace is fine. You've just gotta let me help you.

Toby: Bri, Baby, it's okay. I'm here for you. I love you. Just tell me where you are, and I'll be there.

Hey, you can't give up, Sweetheart. You're a soldier. This isn't your fault. I love you.

Bri, please! I love you so much, Baby. I'm gonna be there. Just tell me where to be.

It's not your fault, Bri. It's gonna be okay. God's got you. I love you.

Sweetheart, please. Don't hurt yourself. You're worth so much more than that.

Bri. I love you.

It's finally all too much, and I break all over again, sobbing into the hand that Joel isn't holding. Luke continues to rub my shoulder, more desperately, while his free hand is doing something else. Joel wraps his free arm around my shaking shoulders, while his other hand continues to hold onto my own.

Luke begins to speak quietly, and I realize with a feeling of complete and total dread what he's doing.

My name, our location, what happened. He's calling someone.

Desperately, I try to pull away, but both of them hold onto me a little bit tighter, though no less gently, refusing to let me go.

So I'm stuck. I failed. Again.

"Just let me go," I whisper, a last, pathetic attempt. "Just let me die."

"You're worth too much, Darling," Joel murmurs in return. "So much."

I hear sirens in the distance, and I know they're coming for me. I'm really shaking now. But, once again, they just hold me tighter.

The sirens get closer until they're on top of us, and I see lights out of the corner of my eye. A door opens, and running feet approach, before Joel and Luke both finally release me, stepping back to make way.

I don't have to open my eyes to know it's Caleb hugging me. His strong, gentle arms are unmistakable, even after knowing him for such a short time, his cologne familiar and comforting.

I feel dull and dry as I inhale the scent. I'm out of tears, out of strength to fight this. I don't understand any of this, and all I can feel is that deep, aching pain that has consumed my world for seven months.

Caleb pulls back, his strength and sureness and dedication to his job evident. "Are you okay?" he asks.

I nod. "I'm fine." Even to me, my voice sounds dull and zombie-like... dead, even.

"That's a lie," he says gently, "on a lot of levels. But we're gonna start with physically. Did you hurt yourself? Do you feel okay?"

"I'm fine," I repeat. "I wasn't... I didn't hurt myself." As I say it, the steady breeze gets a little stronger for a moment, and I shiver before I can stop myself. It reminds me that I'm freezing despite the nice weather, seeing as I'm completely drenched.

Caleb doesn't miss it. He pulls off his uniform's heavy jacket and wraps it around my quivering shoulders, ignoring me as I try to push it away.

"I'm fine," I say for the third time. "Caleb, I'm fine..."

"Better?" he asks.

I bite my lip. "Well, yes, but..."

"Good." He rubs my back tenderly. "Now come on. We'll deal with the other side of how not fine you are at the station, alright? I'll tell Toby to meet us there."

I squeeze my eyes shut at the final blow to everything. This is actually happening, all over again.

Caleb's partner has been talking to Joel and Luke while he's been with me, and now they're obviously coming with us.

Even though I didn't know it was possible, I feel yet another layer of shame being added to the weight on my back. Now I'm dragging them into this, too. Why did they have to see? Why did I have to be stupid enough to do it that way? Why didn't I find an overpass? Buy a knife and cut a vein? Drink bleach? Anything that actually would have worked.

But I didn't, and now I've found a way to make an even bigger mess of my life. An hour ago, I honestly would have thought that doing that was completely impossible.

But just look at me now.

Caleb takes the passenger's seat, his partner drives, and Joel and Luke duck into the back with me. With me in the middle, they quickly each find a way to comfort me silently, Joel's hand on my shoulder and Luke's resting over one of mine.

We pass the drive in silence. Caleb and Sargent Rairdon talk quietly a little, but whatever they say is too quiet for the rest of us to hear, and they don't say much.

It's not long before we reach the station, and we're climbing out. For the second time in way too short of a time, the minute I step out of the car, I Toby's running to me and hugging me desperately.

Dully, I realize I'm not the only one shaking as we hug. Toby is too, his hands trembling as he steps back and looks over me with tears in his eyes.

"Bri..." He chokes on my name, swallowing hard and beginning again. "Bri... I love you so much. I... I can't lose you, Sweetheart."

I open my mouth to protest, but suddenly, I can't speak. It's those four words. I'm barely used to hearing I love you, but those words... I've never heard them in my life. I can't lose you. My third suicide attempt, and no one has ever told me that. Because no one has ever cared. I know that's not entirely true... that I've had Tiffany and Becky and Jason and Samuel... but as for the people that truly should have, the people I used to think loved me more than anything... my parents and Lincoln... never. Lectures and threats, but never those four words.

I feel my face break, and I'm falling forward, sobbing into Toby's chest with tears I have no idea how I have left in me. Me embraces me again, those hands still shaking, but more softly this time, his arms gently wrapping around me and pulling me into him.

"Oh, I love you," he whispers. "I love you so much."

I don't know how long it takes for me to get a grip and try to pull away. However, he doesn't let me. Gently, because he somehow knows how to do it without triggering me, he just holds me to him, keeping me in his embrace. I'll never understand why gold like him would ever want trash like me anywhere near him.

POV Change Sponsored by Jack Sparrow

Toby

I can't find it in me to let Bri go. Having her close to me is simply too much of a relief after what felt like days of knowing fully well what she was going to do and agonizing over whether or not it would work this time. And anyway, I know that as soon as she pulls away, she's going to retract in shame again. And I can't let that happen. I just can't bear to see the look on her face as she breaks under all of the lies Satan drops on top of her.

I look up slowly as I begin to stroke her hair, keeping her pressed into me.

And I'm shocked to see two familiar people standing with Caleb and his partner, Michael, outside the squad car.

"Joel? Luke?" I gasp quietly. "How..."

Joel shakes his head slowly, looking just as confused as I'm feeling. "G'day Toby," he sighs. "I take it you're close to this precious girl?"

I nod, biting back more tears as I glance down at her tiny form again. "Yeah... we uh... we met a month or so ago, and... she's precious, just like you said. I already loved her, and I couldn't her go. Did you... did you find her?"

Joel's as soaked as Bri is, so I take it the answer is yes. Luke confirms the guess.

"We did." Tears leap to his eyes as he continues. "We set up for a show we're doing tomorrow in the park, and took a walk and... and saw her tip herself in the lake, so..." He spreads his hands helplessly, sadly.

I nod slowly. "Thank you so much." The words come out a whisper.

Joel shakes his head slowly. "Toby, don't even thank us, please. We did it because she's precious. Because this is so much less than what she deserves."

Again, I nod, then look to where Caleb and Michael are waiting without even a hint of impatience on their faces. "I'm sorry. I know you have a job to do."

Caleb offers me a sad smile. "Toby, you're doing your job right now." He gestures to where I'm holding Bri. "But let's get inside and see if we can't get her what she needs."

I nod, and switch to have one arm around Bri's shoulders, tiny even in Caleb's jacket, so that we can walk inside. Her head drops, the brief hint I catch of her eyes showing so much of that heartbreaking shame, and I feel a part of me shatter all over again.

She really has no idea everything that she's worth... how much I love her... how much Jesus loves her. But she will. She has to.