Brianna

I keep my head down as I follow Toby out to his car, putting my backpack at my feet and buckling, then wrapping my arms around myself, staring at the floor.

Toby gets into the driver's seat and buckles, but I can feel his gentle gaze on me.

"Hey, Bri?" he asks quietly.

"Yeah?" I whisper.

"I love you."

I squeeze my eyes shut against the tears that respond to the words.

"I..." I choke and have to stop and try again. "I'm just too broken, Toby."

I can feel the sadness in his eyes without looking at him.

"Bri, you're not broken," he says quietly. "God doesn't fix broken people. He takes people that think they're broken and show them that they never were."

I don't answer. I'm crying too hard.

With one hand, Toby reaches over, rubbing my shoulder gently. With the other, he picks up his phone and connects it to the car speakers.

"But a good friend of mine has a song for that," he adds.

And, as he starts the car, I recognize the beginning of Matthew West's "Broken Girl" starting. My tears come too quickly for me to hold them back.

Look what he's done to you, it isn't fair.

He took the heart of a little girl

And made it grow up too fast.

Now words like innocence don't mean a thing.

You hear the music play, but you can't sing.

Those pictures in your mind

Keep you locked up inside your past.

This is a song for the broken girl,

The one pushed aside by the cold, cold world.

You are—hear me when I say!

You're not the worthless they made you feel.

There is a love they can never steal away.

And you don't have to stay the broken girl.

Those damaged goods you see in your reflection,

Love sees them differently. Love sees perfection.

A beautiful display of healing all the way tonight. Tonight.

This is a song for the broken girl,

The one pushed aside by the cold, cold world.

You are—hear me when I say!

You're not the worthless they made you feel.

There is a love they can never steal away.

And you don't have to stay the broken girl. Girl.

You don't have to stay the broken girl. Girl.

Let your tears touch the ground.

Lay all your shattered pieces down.

And be amazed by how grace

Can take a broken girl

And put her back together again.

This is a song for the broken girl,

The one pushed aside by the cold, cold world.

You are—hear me when I say!

You're not the worthless they made you feel.

There is a love they can never steal away.

And you don't have to stay the broken girl. Girl.

You don't have to stay the broken girl. Girl.

No, you don't have to stay the broken girl.

Toby just keeps one hand on my shoulder while he drives, rubbing gently and letting me cry.

"It's true, Bri," he tells me quietly. "You're not gonna feel this way forever."

I don't answer, and he finally drops his hand, as we pass the rest of the drive in silence.

But as we pull into what's obviously his driveway, I feel my stomach clench in nervousness.

It's like Toby can read my mind, and he reaches over, squeezing my arm gently. "Bri, I mean it," he murmurs. "They love you even though they've never met you. And Truett and Marlee have been asking when you're gonna be here ever since they met you."

I shake my head slowly. "I just don't get it."

"I know," he replies quietly. "But you will."

And he unbuckles and gets out, circling around to open my door and help me out. I stare at the house in front of me, and the nervousness hits me in another forceful wave.

I swallow hard. "You told them, didn't you?"

"Of course I did, Sweetheart," he says. "Relax."

And he leads me up the steps and through the door.

"We're home," he calls as he gently pulls me through the door.

Immediately, a Jamaican woman I recognize from so many pictures appears from what's probably an entrance into the kitchen.

Her face breaks out in what seems like total joy when she sees us.

She hurries across the room, kissing Toby's cheek, then turning to me. To my shock, she embraces me gently.

"Bri, I'm so happy to finally meet you," she tells me as she pulls back. "You are always welcome here, alright?"

"Wait, hold up!" I hear a voice from down the hall, and in a rush of movement, Truett appears. His eyes lock on me, and a grin breaks out on his face. "Oh my gosh. Bri!" And he runs across the room to wrap me in a fierce hug.

Toby offers me a rueful smile. "So... I told Amanda you were gonna be here."

She laughs. "And I told the other kids. But I wanted to see how excited Tru was gonna get. He's been almost as anxious about you as his daddy."

"Hey, she's my second little sis up in here," he chuckles. "And it's kinda hard to be overprotective and annoying when she's not here."

I don't answer. I can't. None of this makes any sense. He and I have literally barely met each other. Why the heck would he want to claim me as his sister?

The rest of the family... Marlee and her twin, Moses, who are around my age, Leo, who's almost thirteen, and Judah, who I think is around nine or ten.

And they're all just the most incredible people on earth.

Amanda... or Mandy, as I find Toby usually calls her... has dinner almost ready, so they all head that way next. Toby gently, without bringing attention to it, coaxes me to eat what I can, and doesn't push any farther than he can tell I can handle.

And they just head to the family room and chill for a while, watching a movie together, and doing some quick devotions and prayer time. They're such a perfect family... you can tell how much Toby loves them, how much he savors the time when he can be here, not out on the road, even though I also know he loves his job.

And it just makes me feel so guilty. The way they're literally trying to accept me as a part of their family... why? My own family doesn't even love me, and yet they could? There's just no way. But then this makes even less sense.

But I mean not really. They're just about the best people on the face of the planet. They're just spreading the love of God. But there's no way they could actually want me around.

I mean, why would they? I'm a loser. I was raped by my best friend. Toby met me because I was trying to kill myself. And then he had to deal with it when I tried again. I'm depressed and broken. I still cut and I still want to die. I don't belong in such a perfect group of people. I'll drag them down. Just like I said earlier... I'm just too broken for them. I can't ruin the amazing thing they have here.

I just don't know how to get out of their hair. I mean, they're not gonna let me go knowing that I'm leaving because I'm a burden. And I'm too much of a coward to go with one of my relatives or into the foster care system anyway.

So I kill myself. It's what I want anyway, isn't it? But I just don't know when... if ever... that option is going to be open for me. He may do it in the kindest, gentlest way possible, but Toby knows better than to give me the chance, just like Tiffany and Jason.

It's around ten by the time everyone starts to head to bed. Marlee shows me the guest area before bidding me tonight as her mother and siblings already have and going to her own room.

I just sink down onto the bed, feeling the giant weight of this insane day crash down on my shoulders in an instant.

I drop my head into my hands, desperately fighting the urge to cry as I feel myself begin to shake.

It's not long before there's a light tap on my door. I open my mouth to answer, but it catches in my throat, threatening tears if I let anything out. The door opens slowly anyway, revealing Toby standing on the other side.

He takes one look at me, and compassion floods over his face. He closes the door behind him and crosses the room, sinking down to a seat beside me. His hand comes up to my shoulder and squeezes gently, silently comforting me.

"Just let it out, Bri," he tells me quietly at last. "You're safe here. I know you're not used to that feeling, but it's true."

His words are the last point for me, and I finally burst into tears, helplessly crying into my hands.

He wraps an arm around my shoulders, and I can't help but allow myself to lean into him.

"Talk to me," he says quietly.

"I can't do this to you guys!" The words come out before I can bite them back. "I can't ruin your family like this!"

"Bri, you're not," he says. "I know that you feel like you are, alright? But please just trust me when I tell you that that is a lie of the devil. We love you, Bri. To us, you're already a part of the family."

"That doesn't make any sense!" I argue desperately.

"I know, Baby, I know," he murmurs. "But it will. I promise. Just stick with us, alright? Give us a chance to love you."

"I don't want to do this to you," I whisper.

"But you're not doing anything to us, Bri," he replies passionately. "Let us love you. Please."

I don't answer, and he doesn't push, just staying like he is until I've finally cried all I can. I wrap my arms around myself, suddenly feeling shame creep over me like a virus.

I can feel the heartbreak in Toby's gaze as he looks at me.

"Can I pray for you before I go?" he asks after a long moment.

I nod, not trusting myself to speak.

He squeezes my shoulder gently, then brings his free hand to come to the shoulder closer to him, and begins quietly.

It's like every word out of his mouth is perfect. And yet, I don't feel so much as a breath of God's Presence... not so much as a whisper that He's actually here. Not that I really have for the past seven months.

When Toby's finally done, he rubs my back gently before releasing me. "I love you," he says quietly. "If you need anything, shoot me a text, and I'll be here, alright?"

I nod, staring at the ground and whispering, "Thanks."

He just lets out a slight, sad sigh, and turns, hesitating before he leaves the room.

I tug a hand through my hair in frustration, staring at the ceiling. I just don't get it.

He seems so sincere. Like he actually loves me. Like they all do.

You are the definition of an idiot. How could he actually feel that way about you? You've given him nothing but heartache and sorrow.

I know. I just... I don't know.

So remind yourself. You know what you're really worth. Prove it.

And the memory of my precious little blade in its hiding place returns to me.

I reach for my backpack.

�X鎬