"So... are you enjoying your time off?", Jonny asked. He seemed to be really happy about having a break. Of course he was, that's how it was supposed to be after a long tour leg. I considered if I should tell him how I feel. I didn't want to destroy his good mood but I also couldn't lie to Jonny.

After a long break I finally replied.

"Well... it's alright. I just miss playing with you a little, you know..."

"Oh we all do! But you definitely needed a rest at least as bad as the rest of us! And it also feels good to have a break, doesn't it?"

"Yeah...", I mumbled.

"Is there something else Chris? You seem like something is wrong.", Jonny asked sounding concerned.

How the hell could he tell so well how I was feeling through the phone? Jonny really knew me better than anyone else.

"No don't worry, I'm just not having such a good day."

I wasn't ready to tell him everything before I even knew what I was gonna do. And apart from that  couldn't tell him everything, like really everything, anyway.

Just when Jonny wanted to reply something I suddenly saw Jane coming into the kitchen.

"Umm sorry I have to go now Jonny. Talk to you later!"

"Okay, see you soon!"

After two seconds he spoke up again. "And Chris?" - "Mhhm?" - "I miss you."

My heart skipped a beat. He missed me.

"Me too. I wish you were here.", I replied, tears forming in my eyes. "Bye Jonnyboy."

"Bye Chris."

I put down my phone and watched Jane pouring herself a cup of coffee.

I thought of what I could say to her, the images of yesterday's events playing back in my mind.

She quietly sat down at the table, facing me.

"Listen Jane...", I started. "I'm really sorry for what happened yesterday. I didn't mean to shout at you and-"

Jane cut me off. 

"It's okay.", she said in a cold tone, like she didn't even care anymore.

"I don't want you to apologize anymore but... I think we need to talk."

I got a lump in my throat, suspecting what was to come.

"I just don't think this works anymore. You and me. It's not your fault or something it's just ...I feel like all the energy and passion of our relationship is gone and we've just grown apart so much. I'm sorry but I just can't go on like this anymore."

It took quite a bit to keep myself together. Not because our relationship made me feel good or I still really loved her in a romantic way, I didn't. But I wasn't sure if I could handle yet another breakup. Our relationship ending meant I had failed. Again.

"You're... you're right.", I stuttered. "I'm sorry for all the things I have done to you. You deserve better than me."

"Don't be sorry Chris. Nothing is anyone's fault here." - it was quite obvious that it was, I was the only problem here - "I just feel like this relationship isn't good for either of us anymore. But I really hope we can still stay friends."

I nodded, still unable to form a proper sentence.

We sat in silence for a few minutes, sipping on our coffees every now and then.

"I'm gonna pack my stuff now.", Jane said getting off her chair.

She had a sad look in her eyes. Probably she had wanted to break up for a while and what I had done yesterday had pulled her over the edge. I couldn't believe it was really over now.

I felt like a wasted space as I sat around watching her picking up all the things she had left in my flat.

Only a few hours later she was ready to go. Obviously she couldn't wait to get rid of me. I couldn't blame her. 

We hugged one last time before she we said goodbye.

At least we could go apart in peace, that was a good thing I guess.

"Goodbye Chris.", she said in a low voice.

"Goodbye Jane."

Then she went out of the door, never to come back.

After watching her walk away I closed the door silently. I just stared into the nothing, not fully taking everything in yet. What should I do now? Just continue life as it was before?

I could pretend to myself that things would get better now that I wasn't in an unhappy relationship anymore but I knew that wasn't the true cause of my grief. 

It was what - or who - I could never have that made me feel so shattered.