As expected I woke up with a sore throat and a terrible headache. Probably I had caught a cold from my nice little swim in the ocean but I didn't really care. I didn't even bother looking at my phone anymore these days, the only messages I still cared about were those from Jonny, which I didn't get recently. Though I knew a lot of my friends were probably worried, I just wasn't ready to face reality. I'd much rather kept hiding in here, not showing anyone the pain I was really feeling. They wouldn't understand and I could never tell them the truth.

After having a cup of tea I sat down at the piano, probably the only thing that still kept me alive. I had lost count of how many songs I had written the last few weeks, one sadder than the other. Letting the words flow out of me I started to sing quietly to the melody my hands were playing, until my voice turned into sobs and crying. 

I loved him so much. More than anything in the world. But he would never love me, not that way. I thought back to our college days, when we were just some weird blokes playing music together not a world famous band.

**19 years ago**

I was nervously playing with the little piece of paper in my hands as I was sitting on our old sofa, my acoustic guitar right next to me.

Jonny was working but his shift would be over soon. In just a few minutes he would arrive at our flat so we could work on songs together, like always. I had it all carefully planned out.

Usually I wasn't as excited anymore to show him things I had written, even if it was terrible we would just laugh about it together all night. But this was different. I didn't know why exactly but I really wanted him to like this song. Maybe it was because I liked it myself, and kind of naively hoped it would help us become famous. Not like that would ever really happen, probably the others would get jobs and I'd end up playing music in the streets. But maybe, just maybe there was a tiny chance.

I almost jumped when I heard the sound of the door being opened.

Jonny looked kind of exhausted. 

"Hi Chris! I'm sorry it took my longer, I just had to help out a few more minutes."

As he came into the tiny living room he noticed my guitar next to me. 

"Oh have you been playing already?"

I nodded. "A bit."

That was a lie, I had rehearsed for hours to try to get my playing perfect for when I showed him the song.

Jonny got himself a cup of tea and sat down.

"Can I show you something I wrote last night?"

"Sure.", Jonny replied, all relaxed, unlike me.

I felt how I was starting to sweat, why did I always sweat? Trying to calm myself down I took a deep breath in and let my hands play the already so familiar chords. 

Your skin

Oh yeah, your skin and bones

Turn into something beautiful

You know, you know I love you so

You know I love you so

I swam across

I jumped across for you

Oh what a thing to do

'Cause you were all yellow

I drew a line

I drew a line for you

Oh what a thing to do

And it was all yellow

I laughed awkwardly  when I stopped playing, looking up from being lost in the music.

"I know the lyrics don't make so much sense.", I laughed again.

Then I noticed Jonny didn't say anything, and he had a tiny tear in the corner of his eye.

"Is everything alright Jonny?"

"Yeah, this... this was just so beautiful! Oh my god Chris, you're so talented!!"

Jonny seemed so genuinely excited and touched, it made my heart melt and my face turn even more red.

"You really think it was good?"

"Of course!! I think it might be one of the best songs you have ever written!!"

I still couldn't believe he actually liked it when Jonny took me by surprise with a random hug. My heart started racing when I suddenly felt his warm arms around me from one second to another. We hugged for a few seconds until he let go again.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to be awkward. I'm just so excited!"

I smiled at those memories in my head. We had been so naive and young back then, but somehow everything had worked out anyway. But even though we had just been inexperienced students with no one who actually knew us outside of our tiny corner of the world I wished myself back to those times so much now. I had been so carefree, ready to see what life had to bring for me. Now I was a depressed mess stuck inside some oversized house in California instead of a tiny shared flat with Jonny where I felt I belonged.