I wiped a tear from my eye as I looked closer at his perfect face. I had found some old pictures from our concerts, I couldn't believe I had never noticed just how sexy he looked while playing the guitar. It felt like my eyes were soaking in the shape of his body, wishing I could only hold him, touch him, become one with him.

I took a look at the next photo, he was smiling so brightly he could light up a thousand candles with it. I couldn't take his perfection anymore. Jonny would probably be disgusted if he saw me staring at a picture of him like that. But I just couldn't help it. I just loved him too much, wanted him too much to be mine. I imagined if he only was mine everything would be great again, but that would never happen obviously.

Wasn't it supposed to feel good to fall in love? All this was was painful and hopeless. He would never love me the same way. Well, it was all my fault. Couldn't I just fall for someone else, someone I was supposed to fall for? Like... not my best friend and bandmate? Who was quite obviously straight, to add to that? 

I felt like I didn't deserve happiness, anytime things actually seemed to go great soon they would be terrible again. If there was just a way to forget my feelings, get rid of them forever. But the only way out was the one I wasn't quite ready to take. Not while I seemed to have a tiny spark of my old self left inside of me, the guy who would fight, and never give up. That's how I remembered the old me, not the weak broken mess I was now. 

I could end it so fast. All the pain, the heavy burden life had seemed to have become. But I knew I would hurt my friends with it, even if they would be better off without me. And something I didn't know what exactly it was kept me from giving up yet. 

I tried to make sense of what had happened yesterday, what I had said to him. 

"I wish I could tell you" - Jonny's words still kept echoing in my mind. What did they mean? Did they mean anything at all? It couldn't really be, could it...?

I shook my head. I was just reading more into it than there was. He had just been hurt by the things I had said to him, and how I felt about myself...

Maybe I should call him? Tell him I'm sorry? I couldn't take the thought of him feeling bad, and above all just because of me. He didn't deserve it. He didn't deserve to have to deal with my shit. I had to somehow make him believe everything was alright again so he would stop worrying. Well, he didn't quite know just how bad it was anyway.

I was about to take my phone but I started to feel sick at the thought of calling him. I wasn't ready to hear his flawless, innocent voice again. And I had no idea what to actually say to him. I didn't want it to end up with my emotions taking over me again, and mostly likely saying something stupid that hurt him. 

So instead I opened the messages and started typing something in.

Hey Jonnyboy:) I'm really sorry for yesterday, I didn't mean to yell at you and say those things... I was just a bit on edge but I'm better now so don't worry.

I looked at what I had typed, it sounded nice didn't it? He would for sure buy it when I said I was better, wouldn't he? There was no way he could tell via text message. I took another look at it, then I hit the send button and watched the bubble with the message pop up on my screen. 

Putting my phone away I nervously looked out of the window, waiting if Jonny would reply. Why was I nervous about a reply from my best friend? I almost jumped when my phone made the beep of an incoming message. I forced myself to wait a minute before answering it, to not seem too needy. 

Hey:) It's okay, I'm sorry I just hung up as well, that wasn't nice and I have no idea why I did this... Are you sure you're okay?

Even though his message might have seemed perfectly normal there was still something telling me that something wasn't okay. The Jonny I knew would have asked if he could call me, he didn't like talking via text messages. 

I wanted to ask him if something was wrong, if I could call him. I wanted to ask him so bad he had meant with those words, what it was he wished he could tell me. But I didn't dare to do that, apart from that he probably wouldn't tell me the truth anyway. Jonny was good at keeping things for himself. 

So for today I decided to let it go, I was too exhausted to fight and try to get things right. Maybe I just had to give him time anyway.