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9: Where are my feelings?

Paralyzed- NF

_________

Stupid, stupid, STUPID!

Jimin keeps cursing to himself as Jungkook walks further away. He just had to mention that, but he couldn't help it! It would make sense since Jungkook didn't even know about his existence before. But Jimin felt like Jungkook has been genuine to him... What could Jungkook possibly want from Jimin? But Jimin refuses to think anyone would actually want to be his friend. No one cares about him, why would someone that has everything want to be his friend if it's not for pity? But Jungkook hasn't given Jimin any signs of pity. Instead he actually looks like.... He understands?

That's impossible. How could Jungkook possibly understand what he's going through? He has everything! Why would someone like him feel empty inside? But Jimin saw it in his eyes. He saw the emptiness.... Reflecting his own personal emptiness.

For a split moment, Jimin felt like he actually had a friend.

And he just pushed him away because of his own trust issues.

So stupid!

Jimin glares at the water and rises to his feet and starts walking the opposite direction Jungkook has disappeared off to. Why is he a total fuck up? Why can't he just be happy how things are going? Not question every step he takes! Jimin's frown deepens as he continues to walk, feeling that familiar emptiness hit his chest. No one will care about him. How could someone care if he doesn't even care about himself?

That hit Jimin had as he walked further down the pathway and towards the entrance of the park. His mind keeps bringing him back to Jungkook's hurt eyes, making himself feel even more guilty than before.

All I cause is pain.

The thought hurt more as Jimin walks further to the path home. What's the point in living if pain is in every corner, without him even trying. Maybe it's his natural to gradually fuck up in everything he does. Just like tonight before the park. Jimin doesn't want to go home, not right after disobeyed his parents about going to bible study. He angrily left the house to cool off some steam since they demanded him to go, not even ask. So Jimin continued to wonder around the neighborhood instead, trying to keep his mind off the world for a while.

But Jimin knew better.

He knew better than to pass by that sketchy bar, especially when a group of drunk men exit out. Jimin was too far in his thoughts to notice how all those men lustfully stare at him, eying his thick thighs and round ass that shapes perfectly with his dressed pants. The brunette didn't realize how screwed he was until he was suddenly dragged into an alleyway. His tiny hands pried against the hand clamping his mouth to mute his cries, suddenly being aggressively pinned against the wall.

"I've never seen someone so... Pretty in my life," The older man slurs in front of him, hands tightening around his forearm. Jimin whimpers from all the eyes staring at him, feeling entirely small to all the taller men in front of him. He has absolutely no chance against them at all. Jimin has never fought anyone his whole life, raised that violence was never the answer to solve problems.

Oh how he regretted not learning at this very moment.

The man caresses a finger along side Jimin's jaw, making the shorter man snap his head away with wobbly lips, "P-please just let me go... Please."

The man presses closer against Jimin, the smaller only letting out a muffled cry but the man slams his hand back against Jimin's plump lips.

"Shut the fuck up! You're my bitch right now," The harshness behind the man's voice felt like a jab against Jimin's chest, tears already beaming his eyes. He shrieks when another man approaches him and fiddles with his belt. This is it. If this isn't a big motive for Jimin to kill himself, he doesn't know what would be. How would he be able to look at himself after this? Feel so dirty by how another man managed to fuck him. Someone he didn't even know.

He squeezes his eyes tighter when they drag down his pants, crying out in desperate attempt for someone to hear him. Anyone. Anyone!

But no one heard him.

No one.

"Can I ask you for a favor?" Jimin sobs against the hand but the man heard, furrowing his eyebrows,

"What is it?"

Jimin gulps down, allowing more tears to stream down his cheeks, "Please kill me when it's over, please," he pleads, his tears springing free, "I can't live with this anymore."

The man didn't even blink or offer him a look of empathy, on contrare, he only smirks and presses his lips against Jimin's forehead, "Whatever you wish princess."

So Jimin squeezes his eyes, the pain fading his chest and now replaced with that familiar emptiness. That familiar hallow, but now somewhat relieved. He was finally going to find some peace. He wasn't going to suffer in this world anymore.

With that in mind, his teeth clenched as fingers hooked to the rim of his boxers but they didn't slide down. His lower part was never expose. The hand against his lips disappears to finally let him inhale the cool air. The body wasn't pressed against him anymore, the sound of metal against skin echoes the air instead. Weakly Jimin peels his eyes open, his body instantly tensing up to the sight in front of him.

A boy with raven black hair is beating the shit out of the man that was holding Jimin, hard, with a metal pipe. The other three has ran off, leaving back their friend. Jimin didn't know what to think as he watches the boy rising to his feet, throwing the pipe to the side and spitting at the now unconscious body on the floor. He's breathing heavily, his hands staining red to his side from the blood.

Jimin was paralyzed. Not knowing if it was from shock or fear, probably both. He still couldn't see properly through his tears, not knowing if this man might end up taking him for himself instead.

When the boy turns around, it was like a switch of relief hits Jimin when he sees the boy was Jungkook.

Jungkook.

The raven boy breathes heavily to catch his breath and moves his dark eyes to Jimin, "What the fuck! Can you not be in danger for one second!" He shouts, hands shaking. Jimin blinks at him, teeth clenched and breath hallow, his mind only blank.

Jungkook only grunts and approaches Jimin, reaching down. Jimin jumps back, pressing himself more against the wall, his body instantly shaking. The raven looks up, his eyes slightly softening to Jimin's fearful ones. He reaches a large hand out, "I'm not going to hurt you, I promise."

Jimin couldn't say anything, it was like his mouth was still taped together. His body felt like it was paralyzed, not letting him move a single muscle. So he blinks at Jungkook twice, hoping he knows that means he's okay.

The taller seems to have understood and reach both hands down to Jimin's pants and slide them up his legs. Jimin tenses up when Jungkook buckles his pants and put on his belt, moving his soft eyes back him. They didn't say anything, only continue to stare into each others eyes, trying to see through their walls. Jimin still couldn't move, let alone speak yet on the inside he's screaming and crying so hard. He's thrashing and throwing everything in his path. That anger and sadness taking over that emptiness in his chest.

Jimin watches at Jungkook nervously licks his lips, "Lets take you out of here, yeah?" He whispers, his voice so delicate as if he's afraid to break Jimin apart. He appreciates it, even if he can't say it but he appreciates it.

Jimin body freezes when Jungkook wraps his hands around him, pulling him gently against his chest. Its as if Jimin's wall broke at that moment. The smell of Jungkook's hoodie fills his nostrils, his chest clenching hard. He wants to cry out so bad, but he couldn't. It's as if something inside him is holding back. Jimin's just afraid he won't be able to contain himself all alone when he finally lets it all go.

Jungkook leads them out the alleyway and to his car. The moment Jungkook closes the door, both of them in the small space, everything just felt so overwhelming. Jimin feels numb, replaying what just happened like a record player. Over and over.

Moments continue to pass and the air grows thicker the longer they don't speak. Jimin knows Jungkook is craving to talk, to ask him anything, just to get him to talk. To hear his voice. Jimin just wanted the earth to swallow him and never appear in this world again. Feeling so embarrassed yet disgusted with himself. He was actually going to let that man rape him so he could finally die. How twisted is that?!

Who thinks like that?

The questions runs over and over in Jimin's mind, filling him with guilt.

Someone as stupid as you

The car soon zoned into a stop and Jimin looks up to Jungkook's house. He felt relieved that he wasn't dropped off his house, but being at Jungkook's doesn't make it any better either.

Especially since he barely knows him.

But something in him already believe Jungkook wouldn't hurt him.

It has to mean something.

Jungkook gets out of the car and helps Jimin out, his large hands instantly wrapping around his shoulders and pulling the smaller closer against his chest. Jimin once again closes his eyes and takes in the feeling of being so close to someone. He has never known the feeling of someone hugging him like this, comforting him. And it's starting to feel addicting. The need for physical contact. Jimin is lead through the door and up the familiar staircase until he's back in Jungkook enormous room. Something about this room makes something in Jimin feel comfortable. Maybe it's how homey it feels, or how Jungkook makes him feel safe.

He's seated on the comfortable bed with Jungkook beside him, still holding him securely. Jimin sighs when Jungkook moves his hands up and down Jimin's arm, feeling his throat tighten hard until he couldn't take it anymore.

"W-why?" Jimin asks, his voice so quietly that Jungkook barely heard him.

"Why what?"

Jimin fights back his tears and sits up, causing Jungkook's arm to fall from his shoulders, "Why did you come? Why?"

Jungkook is so confused and beyond shocked. Jimin purses his lips and fiercely wipes his eyes with his sleeve, glaring down at Jungkook.

He really did not expect that.

"What do you mean? I just saved your life-"

"No!" Jimin shouts and shoots up from the bed, "You have no right to decide what is best for my life!" His rage that he's still breathing is getting the best of him, feeling so miserable that Jungkook just stopped his ticket to death.

He ruined everything!

Jungkook's eyes study Jimin, trying to figure out why the fuck is he so upset when he should be thanking him. His soft eyes looks at the short man's desperate ones and slowly stands up, "Jimin, they were going to rape and most likely going to kill you-"

"Good!" Jimin exclaims, frailing his arms up, "You ruined everything! They would've killed me and I wouldn't be here! You wouldn't have to waste your time bringing me here and seeing me so damn weak! I WOULD FINALLY BE AT PEACE!"

Jimin couldn't help but pound his tiny fist against Jungkook's chest, sobbing between each hit with his vision blurring, "You ruined everything! You ruined my life! I just wanted to die!" He continues to cry. His hard strikes eventually got weaker, the sobs rocking his body, "Why can't I feel anymore?"

Jungkook's breath hitched, his heart breaking into millions of pieces as he stares at the younger leaning his face against his fists towards Jungkook's chest. Something broke inside him and he couldn't hold back his tears, wrapping his long arms around Jimin and placing his chin against his head.

The brunette cries harder, feeling that same comfort filling him, wrapping his arms around Jungkook's waist, pulling him tighter. His fingers digs against the tallers back, craving that feeling of warmth that Jungkook is radiating off him. Jungkook's hand trails to Jimin's hair and holds him close, biting back a sob form escaping his lips and the need for his blade.

"I don't want you to die," Jungkook breathes slowly, "Please don't leave... Please."

Jimin sniffs and closes his eyes to the words he's been craving to hear for so long. Someone telling to not go. He pulls his head back, looking up at Jungkook with his swollen eyes.

"If I stay, how will I ever be happy?" Jimin asks softly, searching Jungkook's doe eyes.

Jungkook's lips wobble placing both hands on Jimin's cheeks gently, "I don't know," He says honestly, gently careesing Jimin's skin with his thumb, "but we will figure it out together, okay? You're not alone anymore, you have me now. We will find your source of happiness, together."

Something about his words sent reassurance to Jimin's mind. For once he wasn't feeling broken, or damaged. Something inside him bloomed.

Hope.

Something he never thought he'd feel.

"Are you sure?" Jimin couldn't help but ask, leaning his face against Jungkook's warm hands.

Jungkook stares into Jimin's eyes, nodding slowly, "I promise my angel."

_________

A/N:
Tough chapter huh :( I know this story is getting very depressing but I promise it will get better!

Well, there's still time for that but it will!

Thank you so much for being so patient and loving this book!! I appreciate it so so much!!! Thank you!!!

I PURPLE YOU GUYS! <333

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