62: Lifeless Doll Too
Waves- Dean Lewis (acoustic)
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His stiff hands carefully puts his plaid pattern sweater vest over his body, adjusting it properly with his tiny fingers before he starts to comb through his smooth brown hair. Nothing runs through his mind, that familiar emptiness cascading his chest as he stares ahead to the mirror, seeing nothing but his reflection.
Numbness, complete and utter numbness.
Jimin didn't want to think of the pitiful wishes of the pitiful for a family that would love and accept the person he truly is, nor did he want to think of how enlighten with happiness he would feel if only he was able to pursue his passions.
How loved he would feel if he would finally be with the person he wants to spend the rest of his life with.
Sadly, that isn't Jimin's life. Happiness doesn't exist in his body, or the option to be anyone in life.
Only to be an empty doll with no soul, just a perfect puppet for God.
Even though he knows deep down inside that's not what he would want.
As Jimin carefully combs through his now dry hair, he suddenly hears ab expected knock on his door.
"Come in," Jimin calls out quietly, almost above a whisper, yet the door creaks open to reveal his mother. She wears a familiar broad smile as she steps inside his room..
Jimin stares at her back with an empty expression on his face as he continues to brush his hair, "Is there anything you need mother?"
She stares at her son without a word for a moment, and then fixes her eyes to his comb on his hand, "Here, let me assist you," she insisted lightly and carefully grabs the comb from his grasp. Jimin lets her take it and robotically moves to sit on the chair of his desk, right in front of his mirror as his mother begins to delicately comb through his short hair.
The silence pierced painfully through the air, more so letting this moment sink in, but Mrs. Park couldn't hold it back anymore when she asks, "How are you feeling? Did you sleep well?"
Jimin blinks at his sullen expression on the mirror and gives her a curt nod, "Yes mother. I feel good."
Mrs. Park meets the path of Jimin's eyes staring at himself, and forces a smile with her grip on the comb starting to shake, "You don't sound like you are good."
"I apologize, I will change that mother."
Jimin didn't move or have to look at the mirror to feel his mother's stare at him through the mirror, scanning his stiff body with empty eyes, and she suddenly puts the comb down, only running her fingers to gently caress his hair tenderly.
"My beautiful boy," She whispers lightly, soft eyes staring at his brunette hair, "You remind me a lot of myself when I was your age."
Jimin didn't say anything, only watched the way his mother's touch suddenly grew more and more heavy as distant eyes soon caressed her gaze, "I use to always dress up as a little saint with an aura bleeding pure innocence. I would look at myself in the mirror and see...... A doll without a heart, just like how you seem to appear."
A broken doll he indeed is.
Jimin sinks in those words, noticing something odd in his mother's tone as she talks more and more with that lost look behind her eyes.
She.... She sounds.... Hurt?
Why?
Isn't this what she always wanted?
Mrs. Park suddenly let's out a heavy sigh, that distant look behind her eyes only intensifying, probably not realizing the next pair of words that escaped her lips, "I remember a time where I use to be like you."
Jimin finally stares at her through the mirror, trying to understand the emotions behind her delicate unusual eyes, "Beautiful?"
Once again did she smile weakly, almost as if she's reliving a memory inside her head, "Different.... I was different," She murmurs in a deep soft voice and then traces her hands to his shoulders, "Your lifeless eyes look so familiar.... You should change that darling."
If only it was that easy...
"Feeling means pain. I use to be alive, but then I learned it was a sin to be happy in that manner that I was, and now..... I'm a perfect human in the eyes of God," Jimin says monotonously and scripted, as always, his face entirely expressionless, "Isn't that what you wanted mother? For your son to be pure?"
Mrs. Park troubled eyes stares down at her own reflection and it was as if something snapped inside her head. That deep frown suddenly is replaced with a professional smile and she stands up straighter, her eyes going back to their familiar emptiness.
An emptiness Jimin recognizes all too well.
"Of course my son, and now you are free of that disease," She says in her own familiar hallow voice and walks to the door and opens it, not before turning around to glance at him, "You have 5 minutes to come downstairs for school."
Jimin only gives her a curt nod as she closes the door behind herself, leaving him to that familiar deafening silence. For a moment Jimin didn't move from his chair, only lets his eyes fall to the comb on his desk and the wave of emotions traveling back through his mind the longer he stares at it.
"Are you sure you're ready for this?"
The tiny boy doesn't move, only relaxes upon hearing that familiar voice emerge from his hiding place under the bed as the beautiful ravenette slides out.
His emotions slowly rushing back in ease.
Jungkook is still here.
Jimin stares at his reflection and slowly shakes his head, "What if..... What if they get me again? Jungkook you managed to snap me out once, what if they dig in too deep and I won't be able to get out?"
He's so afraid to fall deeper in his own disgust for himself and who he is. To be scared of being touched and have it trace back to pain. Jimin doesn't want to fall deeper in their horrid trance.
But he can't run away from his demons. They will only chase after him, making him a coward.
They will always trap him if he runs, so that's why he's staying..... He has a plan, a plan he hasn't told Jungkook about and won't either, only hoping this works out in his favor.
Soothing hands somehow found themselves on his shoulders, gently caressing his anxiety away as he meets Jungkook's soft eyes through the mirror.
"I trust you angel, you are brave," Jungkook whispers, careful not to press on his luck on being too touchy with his lover, "Our love will always bring us back together."
To this Jimin twitches a small smile, slowly turning around to face him, "If...... But if you do see me.... Behave that way again.... Don't be afraid, okay? You know where my heart belongs. You do understand why I have to stay now, right?"
The ravenette studies his innocent face carefully and nods slowly, "You'll be tempted to come back here since they manipulated you into not be around me, you'll be scared," Jungkook whispers and gently caresses his cheek, "I don't want you to be afraid of me, but know that I will always look out for you, okay?"
A warm stirring sensation bubbled up inside both of their bodies, filled with that passionate flame of love and trust. As tempted as Jungkook is to just snatch Jimin and steer him as far away for from here as possible, Jimin will just be in a hysterical bubble of fear and trauma around him. Jimin wants to face his demons, and by running he will only draw more fear into his life without peace.
No matter how much safety Jungkook would assure him, Jimin will just see him as pain and suffering if he takes him against his will.
So that's why he trusts him when Jimin said he has a plan, and he will trust him to the ends of this Earth as long as it means they will be happy at the end.
"D-Did you ever..... Find out who took the video?" Jimin asks quietly, slightly darkening Jungkook's aura but it instantly drains away to annoyance.
"No," Jungkook whispers, dropping his hand from Jimin's face, "I will figure it out, don't worry. People won't bother you at school, I promise."
Jimin only slowly nods and glances at the door of his room, "I should go down stairs. I'll see you at school, and remember what we talked about."
The ravenette painfully nods slowly and transform his expression to a slightly pleading one, "May I...... I..... Umm..."
The small boy furrows his eyebrows in confusion, but to his utter surprise Jungkook grabs both of his hands gently and leans their foreheads together, really getting into Jimin's comforting bubble.
However, before Jimin could even move a muscle away, Jungkook opens his mouth, "Father who art in heaven. Hallowed be thy name. May your kingdom come on Earth as it is in Heaven.... God, I'm not one to be praying, we both know that, let alone to believe in your existence. However..... If you, in an alternative universe or reality, is real..... Please protect my angel."
Jimin gasps in shock to Jungkook's quivering words, "If you love your children, guide and protect my angel while I'm not around to do so. This is very hypocritical since I'm an atheist and I don't believe in you, so why should you listen to me? Because Jimin believes in you, and for that sake I'm putting my entire hope and belief that he will be okay and safe...... So if you are real, I'm asking you for this one pleading favor and it's to keep him under your wing to the light. To be his eyes in the darkness, his voice in the abyss, his ears in the silence and his pride in his weakest. Protect your child, for his love is pure, as my love for him is as well...... A-Amen."
A single tear escaped Jimin's eye and Jungkook leans, pressing a soft kiss against his cheek and he pulls away, "Let these words give you the confidence you need as you face this."
Jimin gulps and wipes his tear, "Why do you do all of this for me if you don't believe in God? Aren't you suppose to stick with being an atheist? Why do you recite bible verses, whisper prayers, and pray to whom you don't believe in?"
"Because you believe in him Jimin, a lot, way more than I ever did," Jungkook says softly, staring down into his deep brown eyes, "Who am I to discourage your beliefs? I do this so you won't lose your faith, the string that has kept you steady for this long in life. Yeah, I may not believe in this whole thing, but right now you are at your weakest, and these are things you need to hear so you won't lose any sense of yourself, to be connected to your God... And I intend on being your anchor to that faith for a very long time angel, even if it's something I don't wish pursue. I fell in love with my precious religious, nerdy boy, and your passion for God is one of the things that has enlighten my admiration towards you, apart from your heart. So I won't let you give up your faith so easily, especially just because of my personal views."
More tears spilled Jimin's eyes as he swallows his anxiety and washed the vicious voices away and wraps his arms around Jungkook's neck, tightly in utter comfort and acceptance.
"You have done so much for me," Jimin mumbles painfully and pulls away, both hands on Jungkook's cheek, "Promise me you won't leave me.... Please."
Jungkook softly smiles and brings him back into his arms, "Why will I leave you if you're my reason to live?"
The pair stayed like this as if time froze all together, embracing this tender and soft moment where there's no fears or pain.
Only hope and..... Faith.
Everything will be okay. As long as they have each other, everything will be okay.
What the pair didn't notice, far too into their intimate moment to be aware of, is the pair of eyes staring at them from the creaked door.
Watching them with a cracked heart and tears beaming their eyes, feeling something touch their soul to the sight. They could've barged in and drag Jungkook out of that room for being anywhere near Jimin in the first place.
But all they did was watch, reminiscing a time where they use to be like; filled with life and in love, just by being in the presence of someone that made them whole alone.
Of someone who was the same gender.
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A/N:
Ahhhh lovelies I apologize if I haven't updated for a while!! My exam is tomorrow and it's been hectic these days. For those who are reading Flames, Therapeutic Affairs, Subject X and Culpable, I will add an update today.
Thank you all so much for being so patient with me and loving this book so much. I was so touched by many of your comments and wow..... You have no idea how much it impacted my day.
For those who are struggling, going through pain, feeling doubtful and hopeless, read those beautiful comments from the lovely chat and I can guarantee you, many of those words will give you hope.
It sure did to me <33
I PURPLE YOU ALL!! <33
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