— chapter twenty —
FIXING THE PAST

—

         IT WAS AWKWARD, sitting there before him. Just the two of them, the siblings, there and sitting as she brought her knees up to her chin and rest her head on them. There was silence and it was just so bloody awkward because it hadn't been like this in such a long time. The last time it was just the two of them was before Christmas – before he thought that Regulus died. They had been together, yes, but never alone. Always with a group of people, always with his friends.

         And it was so awkward. He was sitting there with his hair, getting longer by the month, in his face as he looked at the fire and she was there not knowing what to say. What was there to say? She wanted to heal but she didn't know how. Where could they start?

         Remelda never knew silence could be so deadly with Sirius. It had always been comforting. In his room without light as they heard the shuffling and arguing of their parents. Regulus would be there too, holding Remelda tightly as she did the same with her older brother. Sometimes a soft record would be playing – he always did love music there. It helped in summer, when every day seemed to last a year and every minute an hour. A month became a decade and the summer a century. But the quiet helped, it was nice, just knowing that they were there and in that moment they were safe.

         It wasn't like that now. It was suffocating and she didn't know how to stop it, didn't know what to say to fix anything. It was late, so late, the late it was when he would walk up the stairs and go into his room to see the doe-eyed Remelda sitting on his bed, waiting for him. Waiting for him with a cloth as she cleaned the wound and ask for a story, ask for the stories he made with his friends. It was nice. And she would go to bed that night and dream of having friends like his, friends that cared and that were there and loved her and cared for her and would do anything for her. Remelda never had those friends. It was always about self-preservation with the group she crowded around before.

         "So..." Sirius let out, and Remelda couldn't help but laugh at how awkward everything was. It was terrible. "This is so weird. I don't know what to say."

         Remelda cracked a smile, looking at him, "Neither do I. Merlin, it's just...wow."

         He laughed as well, "I remember when we used to sit together and not say a word. It was nice, but this...I can't stand it."

         She nodded as well, remembering those times, "You would bring me those muggle novels. Got them from Remus, right?" he nodded, "Always loved them. We would just sit together, yeah, and then you would get bored or reading and would tell me stories instead. Always loved those stories."

         "Of me and the others?" he asked and she nodded her head, "Didn't know that. Thought they annoyed you, being honest. Me just rambling on and on about James chasing Lily and her practically spitting in her face..."

         "No, no, I loved them. It was so entertaining to hear," she cracked a smile, "Helped me drown out the world, just listening and laughing and wishing that I had friends like that."

         "Well now you do," Sirius said, "Merlin, look at where we are now. James and Lily are together, had my money on that though, and I have a girlfriend – Nadia in fact. I adored her for years and she didn't even realize it."

         "I remember you talking about you, always had a slight blush on your cheeks when you mentioned her," she teased him, "It was adorable. Seeing you all smitten."

         "Shut up," Sirius hid his face in his hands, "That's so embarrassing. And I almost lost my chance with her when I made that stupid deal last year."

         "What deal?" now Remelda was really interested. Sirius had never once mentioned a sort of deal to her, but then again they weren't speaking at all during that time.

         "Oh. I, uh, wanted to be her friend and in return she wanted a chance with Remus. Helped them on dates and everything," Sirius explained.

         For some unexplainable reason, Remelda felt a sort of surge in her heart at those words. She felt a sort of anger at it and she hadn't a clue why. It was just Nadia and Remus, wasn't like they actually got together or any – wait, what? Nope. There wasn't any reason, none at all, and Remelda certainly didn't feel any anger at those words. No. Not at all.

         She nodded, "Well at least you'll have a good story to tell your kids when they ask."

         Sirius smiled brightly at her words, "You think we'll last that long?"

         "I don't know," Remelda shrugged, "But you two seem so happy with each other. Maybe you will, hope you will, and this will be a great story. Or maybe you don't, and you find someone so much better than Nadia."

         "No one's better than Nadia, Mel, trust me," Sirius disagreed.

         "Then you better hope she doesn't find someone better than you, but so that it's, well, you, hold on tightly to her," Remelda smiled teasingly.

         "I'm hurt, Mel, you don't think I'm a good person?" Sirius pouted and she laughed. He was calling her Mel again and it was amazing and talking to him was amazing – everything was amazing.

         "I'm just saying that you aren't the best," she shrugged.

         He let out an overdramatic sigh, placing his hand on his heart, "You take that back!"

         "Never!" she smiled, giggling and feeling this happiness with him that she hadn't had in such a long time. Too long of a time. It was great, there with him, loud and cheerful and happy. 

         He laughed too and his head fell back as he let the sounds out. She looked at him and felt happy because they were together and everything was happy and she was finally fixing the past and she was with her brother again. Maybe she lost Regulus, not fully but he was still gone, but she had Sirius and she missed him more than she thought.

         "This is nice," Sirius finished laughing before looking at Remelda and admitting, "You know, I thought you hated me for a while."

         "I never hated you," Remelda softly spoke the truth, "I was angry with you, yes, hurt too, but I never hated you. I wanted to hate you for leaving us behind, but I never could."

         Sirius nodded, "I would've hated me, if I were in your position. I still hated myself. It hurt so much being unable to talk to you, to watch you and Regulus and not be able to talk to you. I'm so sorry, Mel, you don't even know."

         Her expression was so soft as she stood up, going to her brother and giving him a hug, "It's alright, Sirius, I forgive you."

―

         It had become routine again for her and Remus to meet at that table at the back of the library. Most of the times she would struggle with Herbology, but refused to accept his help, and the boy who chuckle and offer it. She would decline, he would insist, grabbing the parchment and telling her the answer and why. She always rolled her eyes and told him that she didn't need an explanation, she wasn't going to need Herbology either. He never listened.

         Sometimes their conversations would be about school or his own experiences with sixth year, but it was never all too serious or anything. It was always light, refreshing, and she loved it.

         "A little birdy told me that you actually forgave Sirius," Remus smirked, flipping the page of the book he had picked up from the library.

         Remelda, confused about the expression, questioned, "How can a bird tell you anything? Birds don't speak..."

         At that, the Lupin boy broke out into a small smile and chuckled at the girl, she was quite adorable like that. "It's a muggle expression, Remelda, like the early bird gets the worm."

         "I don't understand it," Remelda shook her head, "Muggles say such weird things."

         "I can't argue with that," he said, "But don't act like wizards don't have weird customs and sayings either."

         "Touché."

         Remus smiled at Remelda, looking at the parchment she was looking at, "So, what is it today? Herbology again?"

         "No," she shook her head, "Potions, actually. Not that hard, just really long."

         "Well that's Slughorn for you. I don't have him anymore, which is kinda sad, but I'm also a little happy at it." She nodded at Remus hesitated for a moment before saying again, "No, but I did hear that you forgave him."

         "That's because I did," Remelda looked at him, "Truthfully, I forgave him long ago, just never told him."

         Remus nodded, "Have to admit, I'm a little jealous that you'll forgive him but won't forgive me."

         "Who says I haven't?"

         "Well...you never said anything."

         "Didn't know I had to," Remelda frowned, she thought it was obvious he was forgiven, "I mean, I have allowed you to help me with schoolwork, thought that was an obvious sign."

         "Oh," Remus uttered, "I guess...well, I'm just used to people telling me this stuff and everything."

         "Is that normal?"

         "To me it is," Remus answered, "But I have very talkative friends and, well, you're very different from them."

         At the mention of that, Remelda grew stiff. She had always been taught that being different was bad. Even though she was different from her family, broken away, the mention of being that word made her tense, something which Remus noticed.

         "Remelda," he seemed hesitant to ask, "Something wrong?"

         "Nothing," she answered coolly, "Just that, well, I guess I am different."

         Realizing that she took it the wrong way, he began to apologize, "Shit, I didn't mean it like that. It's alright, being different. Believe me, I'm a whole lot of different, but what I meant was...well, you're very unique."

         "Unique?" Remelda asked, intrigued by what he was saying. Unique...

         "Yes," Remus blushed, "Well, I'm not used to being around people who aren't loud and obnoxious. Or don't always tell me what's on their mind, ask me for advice, and then not take it."

         "Like my brother?" she asked with an amused expression.

         "Exactly. Him and the others. Or Lily, she always rants on and on about stuff but you...you don't. So I never know where you stand on anything."

         "Oh..." Remelda frowned at that, maybe it was normal to talk and she just wasn't like that.

         "It's not wrong. Really, it's not. But, well, I guess it was kinda clear, what you were trying to say, I just didn't pick up on it," Remus rushed, not wanting her to feel bad at all.

         Remelda smiled, "You called me unique. No one's ever called me that before?"

         "I shouldn't have have said that, right?"

         "No," she shook her head, "It was nice, the way you said it."

         And she didn't feel herself lying about it. The way he said it made her feel special; Remus made her feel special.

remus is so in love with her and she's just like, what is jealously??? why do I feel this way???