— chapter fifteen —
PUSHING PAST PRIDE

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HIS HAND WAS interlocked with her own and she felt disgusted. It was so casual, the way he moved his hand from inside his pocket to meet hers which was in her lap. He had taken it carefully, interlocking them and she didn't let go, she didn't move, she let it happen – and she was regretting it. She wished that Regulus was there. He would notice, he would see what happened and make an excuse for them to leave so that she could find the loo and sanitize her hands. But he wasn't there; he was dead.

And she was still holding his hand. Opposite to her was Severus Snape, who she still felt iffy about, with Nancy Pendleton and another Slytherin boy. She could imagine Alfie – Alfred – beside her. No, he wouldn't be. If he were here, if he hadn't tried to kill her or anything, they would be in their separate cart at the end of the train with the others Slytherins. She would sit in the right next to the window and he would be on the left side in the middle of the booth. They would hold a conversation at first before turning silent. She would read her charmed book that seemed like a novel on the history of magic but in actuality was one of muggle literature. And then, when they were nearing Hogwarts, conversation would turn up again for a short while before disbanding to go inside the castle.

But he was gone – and so was Regulus. And the pain in her heart from both of them were different. From Alfred, it was from betrayal of a friend she thought, at the very least, she could trust. But the pain in Remelda's heart from Regulus was different; it was the loosing of a close family member. It was the loss of someone she loved dearly and would risk her life for. The pain in her heart for her brother was greater because he loved her and she loved him and now he was dead.

"Where's Regulus, Remelda?" Nancy stopped conversation to look at her, bringing the Black girl back into it.

It was true, her thoughts had been elsewhere as she looked outside the window longingly. But now, she was looking back at the girl. No one knew – no one besides Demetri. Although, her mother told her that the statement would be released tomorrow about his death. Of course, the story would be altered to preserve the dignity of the Black family. It would be said that he had an illness, one he had been struggling with since birth, and finally it had taken him over Christmas. It was a much better story, one that did not disgrace the family name, and that was enough for her parents.

"He won't be returning to school anymore," Remelda blinked, a calmness in her tone even though she was screaming on the inside.

"And why's that?" Nancy pressed on. No, actually pressing and bending slightly, allowing certain assets to show more to Demetri. Of course, he gave a little notice to it before shaking his head. She noticed but didn't say anything, she honestly couldn't find it in herself to care at all.

Before she could answer, Demetri broke in, "Nancy, would you be a dear and find the trolley lady? Get us some sweets, alright?"

She truly had a weakness for him, and everyone knew that. He dug through his pocket, releasing Remelda's hand for a gracious moment and handed the Pendleton girl the money. She, of course, was defenseless against him and was scurrying out.

"Yes...where is your brother?" Severus asked in his usual slow and monotone voice.

She didn't want to say it. Out loud, Remelda had never admitted that Regulus was truly dead. In her mind, in her thoughts, in her cries, yes...but they were all internal. And she couldn't say it – not to them, at least.

"Severus," Demetri went to save her again, "Drop it. Alright?"

He didn't argue, nodding, and the conversation returned again. Although Remelda certainly did not like the boy beside her, she had to be thankful for him in that moment. He had saved her from the truth of Regulus two times in one sitting and she couldn't possibly ignore that. And as a sign of good faith, she locked their hands again. It disgusted her still, but with a plan formulating in her head, this handholding wouldn't last for long. Until then, she had to keep up appearances.

"What do you think, Severus, about the Death Eaters? Their cause as well?" the other boy in the cart turned.

At the conversation topic, Remelda grew sick. She hated it, but what she hated more was how casual it was; how he wasn't fearful at all.

"I suppose they have good points in their cause, no one can deny that," Severus carefully replied, and she thought, with a shadow of doubt, that maybe he was like her; maybe he was more sympathetic. Maybe he was better.

"You suppose?" Demetri chuckled, although his eyes were glaring, "Severus, magic is not to be performed by those filthy things called mudbloods. It's obvious they stole a fucking wand from a wizard, why should be allow them to practice magic when they aren't worthy?"

Remelda wanted to retort with 'and you think you're worthy?' but kept her mouth shut. She had to keep up appearances, after all.

Severus nodded, "Of course, Demetri. I'm just saying, couldn't they be more discreet?"

"Why keep it a secret? The whole world should know – even the nasty muggles. Let them know why we should rule over them. Or even better, kill them," Demetri smirked. Yep, Remelda was definitely going to be sick.

Sighing, she took her hand away from Demetri and stood up, "Excuse for a moment, boys, I have to use the loo."

Once she was out of the cart and away from their vision, she let out a breath. Still, she didn't feel any better because the conversation was sticking. She hated it – she hated everything. And that foolish thought about Severus, that he could be sympathetic...that was long gone. She certainly was a fool, wasn't she?

But another thing was sticking, about Regulus. Of course it was about him. Her deceased brother seemed to occupy her thoughts lately, thinking about his last nights, how he looked, how he whispered 'I love you' as if it were a secret before she abandoned him. She was the one who stepped back, she was the one who walked farther onto the small island they were on as he was being dragged to the water. The one who closed their eyes because it was too painful to look before Apparating away and leaving behind the person they loved most to die.

This thought, too, made her feel sick. She opened her eyes, a feeling still in her stomach, and thought about Sirius too. Maybe Regulus was gone...but he wasn't. He seemed so far away, though, maybe that was because of their estranged relationship. She was going to try, she really was, because he mattered to her. He did, and she was realizing that now.

Swiftly moving up the train, she felt glad that people weren't paying attention to her passing figure and no one else was out of a cart. And finally, at the start of the train, she found the compartment she was looking for. Without knocking, without a warning, she opened the cart, stepped inside and closed it behind her. Lowering the blinds as well before looking back at the confused cart of Gryffindors and a Ravenclaw.

"I don't have a lot of time, but I thought it would be best that I told you before you read about it or heard it from someone else," Remelda rushed out.

It was clear who she was talking to as her brother asked, "What is it, Remelda?"

"Regulus is dead," her words were quick because she didn't want to think about them, process them or anything. This was the first time she was truly admitting it, and she hated it.

Everyone sucked in a breath, she saw the breaking Sirius' eyes – a feeling she knew well – as his girlfriend took his hand and enclosed it with her own. "What?" he finally choked out.

"He died, Sirius," she whispered, voice wavering.

"How – how did it happen?" and this was the time where she had to lie, because she obviously couldn't tell the truth.

"I don't know," she lied, "He and I went out one night and then I lost him – found him dead minutes later."

"And that's the truth?"

"You'll read something different in the papers," she avoided the question, "They'll say it's an illness that killed him."

"Did mum and dad find out you two snuck out," shit. How was she going to explain that part? It was suicide to them, her stories weren't adding up.

She shook her head, thinking of another lie for when he asked, "How? What do you mean? How could they not have?"

"Regulus was planning to leave anyways – why we left in the first place. Left a suicide note and everything...but then he died anyways, so I guess it didn't matter," she kept the bitterness out of her voice.

"I'm so sorry," James looked at her for a moment before reaching for his grieving friend.

She just nodded, "Well, that's all. Just thought I should let you know before everyone else. Goodbye."

And again, she felt like she couldn't breathe, but it was getting better. Because this was developing trust again with Sirius, and that would help with the plan that she had. And maybe there was another thought in her head, thinking that it was nice to talk to Sirius again, and another thought that maybe it would be nice to talk more with him. He was her brother, after all.

so yes, the name of this book has changed! while I think that princess worked for the first act, the second and third occupy most of the book and the name 'broken crown' just fits this much better. crown keeps it tied with royalty or the thought of royalty and the broken before it shows her stemming away from her family and then being broken from them. hope that makes any sense at all.