Letting Her Go

Chapter 21

            When Jilli awoke her pain had lessened, but it was still constantly there. She felt like she had been ripped apart; she was alone in what she assumed was a hospital bed. There was a single candle burning beside the bed. The last thing she remembered after the pain of being hit and flung into the column was falling down through the air, and then lying in the sand in such terrible pain. She had wanted Draco more than anything.

            Jilli also felt empty inside. She remembered the intense pain in her mid-section. She put her hands on her now flat stomach slowly. She cried out in a soft moan. Her stomach was flat like it had been before Draco's baby. She'd lost her baby. She started sobbing then, bringing her hands up to cover her face, trying to muffle the sound of her cries. She hadn't even told Draco about the baby and now her baby was gone and it was all her fault. Grief like she'd never felt before hit her.

            Then she felt someone's hands on her, pulling her up gently in their arms, moving her hands from her face and softly kissing the tears away. It was Draco, her sobbing increased. He was trying to comfort her.

            “Jillianne, please calm down, you've got to get better and getting upset is not helping,” he whispered against her hair.

            “Draco, I've done something terrible,” she sobbed in a whisper, “there is something I need to tell you.”

            “Jilli, I already know about the baby,” he said quietly, before she could say anything.

            “You must hate me,” she could feel herself falling apart, “I know I hate myself, I killed my own baby.”

            “Don't be stupid, I could never hate you. It's not your fault this accident happened and you can't blame yourself, someone else caused this. I'm sorry about our baby, but I am more worried about you,” Draco ran his hand back through his hair, “I should have been there for you, then you might have told me about the pregnancy. If anyone's to blame, I am.”

            “Draco, I love you and I'm sorry,” she whispered, holding on to him tightly, the pain she was in was nothing compared to their loss of the baby.

            Draco was stunned. Jilli said she loved him. His joy was such that he couldn't help but softly kiss her lips before laying her back on her pillow. She asked Draco what the baby had been and Draco told her it was a girl. The tears started again, especially when Draco told her about her being buried here at Hogwarts. Draco just held her until she cried it out, finally drifting off to sleep.

            Draco made up his mind then that what was best for Jillianne was for him to let her live her own life without him. She would be better off, and though it was going to kill him inside, he had to let her go for her own good. It was going to be hard, especially now that she had admitted she loved him. And even though he had not told her the same, he loved her more than anything. Enough to let her go, even to Potter if he must.

            Jilli was getting better but she still had a long way to go. She was having trouble walking because of the damage to her nerves in her back, she had feeling in her legs but she had to work with them hard to basically learn to walk again.

            And Jilli was depressed which didn't help, so she really had just given up on walking again. Draco never came back to see her after that night of the accident and the loss of him and the baby made her not really care about anything. Neville, Harry, Megg, and Dolf all came to see her regularly while she was in the hospital, trying to cheer her and encourage her, but it wasn't working.

            Madame Pomfrey finally gave up, releasing Jilli from the hospital, but she gave her a special rolling and floating chair with wheels and the capability to float above the stairs because Jilli still couldn't walk like she should. Jilli did nothing and she never went to the great hall for meals. And she wasn't going to her classes much either. Especially the ones with Draco in them. Deep down she just knew he hated her after what had happened with the baby.

…...

            Draco was leaving his potions class when Neville Longbottom confronted him in the hallway.

            “I need to speak with you, Malfoy,” Neville said angrily, Longbottom had never stood up to him before.

            “What do you want, Longbottom,” Draco sneered.

            “I want you to help Jilli. She won't even try to walk and she seems to be giving up on everything. I don't know what you've done to her, but it's like she is trying to waste away.”

            “What has that got to do with me?” Draco said snidely, he didn't need this right now. He knew for sure that Jilli would be better off without him.

            “I know Jilli cares for you, so don't play stupid with me. You need to help her and you need to do it now before it's too late,” and Neville walked off frustrated.

            Draco was trying his best to stay out of Jilli's life. Deep down he wanted nothing more than to go to her, but that really wasn't what was best for her. But he had to help her if he could.

            Jilli was sitting in her dorm by the window moping when suddenly the door burst open. It was Draco.

            “So you don't want to walk do you,” he shouted angrily. He marched over to where she sat in that damned wheeled chair, looking down on her.

            “Have you had enough of feeling sorry for yourself,” he said angry, and reaching down he picked her up. She was light as a feather. She had certainly lost a lot of weight.

            “Draco, what are you doing,” she said, as he walked with her through Hogwarts and out the door, taking her through the grounds and down by the lake. He found a spot near a tree and sat her down on the ground and started walking a little away from her.

            “Start walking, Jillianne,” he said harshly.

            “Why are you doing this Draco?” she cried out, “I know you must hate me.”

            “Come on Jilli, I'm waiting. Are you afraid?” he taunted her.

            “I'm not afraid,” she shouted angrily standing up against the tree. Jilli started taking slow steps toward him, only to fall to the ground after about four steps.

            “Come on, Jillianne, get up and do it again,” he shouted “or are you a coward, afraid you'll never walk again?”

            Draco knew what he was saying was terribly harsh, but sympathy from her friends obviously wasn't helping, so he had to try to do something different, like make her angry.

            “I'm not afraid,” she screamed, standing up and again taking slow steps, but falling back down. It was then that the dam burst and she couldn't stop crying, “I am afraid, Draco,” she sobbed, “I'm scared that you don't love me and I'm afraid I'll never have a family.”

            That tore his heart in two. Draco went over to sit by her immediately, scooping her into arms.

            “Jilli, you will have more children and you will be a wonderful mum.”

            Draco decided it was time to come clean with Jilli; he couldn't keep her in the dark anymore. He loved her and she deserved the truth.

            “There is something I need to tell you, actually it is something I need to show you.” he sat her down and stood, he started rolling up the sleeve on his arm. It was the snake and skull of the dark mark that was clear on his arm. Jilli felt like she would be sick.

            “No, Draco,” she whispered.

            “I had to Jilli. The dark lord was threatening my family, and even you are in danger. I had to take the mark, I had no choice. I still have no choice, I have to do his bidding or he could kill us all.”

            “So that's why you've been avoiding me,” Jilli was putting it all together now.

            She couldn't believe it. Her Draco was a death eater. Harry was right after all. She was sure now he had done those things with Katie and Ron. That was the reason he hadn't wanted her at Hogsmeade that weekend.

            “I'll understand if you don't want me anymore, Jilli,” he said looking away, “in fact I think you will be better off with someone else.”

            Jillianne was still reeling in shock but she'd heard him. She got angry, “I can't just stop loving you,” she shouted, “We will just have to find a way out of this. We can leave together, go somewhere they will never find us,” Jilli said hopefully.

            “I wish I could Jilli, but the dark lord has control of my mum. I can't leave her like that; he would do something to her.”

            Jilli thought about Narcissa , alone and in the dark lords command. She couldn't expect Draco to give his mum over to Voldemort. Jilli felt hopeless.

            “Draco, please promise me something? Swear you will not hurt anyone else, please?” Jilli begged him.

            “It's not that simple, I have to do as he commands.”

            “Please tell me you will try?”

            “Jilli,” he said looking away, “there is something else. We can't see each other anymore. If I can do anything I can protect the girl I love. We're over, Jillianne.” and with that he walked away, leaving her sitting on the ground.

            “Draco!” she screamed his name several times but he never stopped or turned back to her, he kept walking up to Hogwarts.

            Jilli sat there crying again. But then it hit her. He had said he loved her! Jilli started drying the tears; she was tired of feeling sorry for herself. It was time to fight for the one person she loved more than anything. Jilli realized he was only trying to protect her, but she was getting angry, maybe it was time someone was there for him. Maybe, somehow, she could save the boy she loved.

            Jillianne stood up and began to walk back up to Hogwarts, she fell rather a lot, but she was determined. She had to get herself together, and that started with walking again. She would talk to Harry about working with her on her spells so she could be prepared to fight if she had to. When she finally made it to the doors and there she found her wheeled chair at the top of the steps where Draco had evidently left it. She took one angry look at it and then sent it crashing down the stairs and out into the grass. She'd never start walking good if she kept that thing.

            Jilli didn't know that Draco had watched over her the whole time she had made her long walk back up to Hogwarts. When she had fallen several times it was all he could do not to run to her. But he saw the angry, resolute look on her face. He was proud of her. He had left her wheeled chair at the door and he was shocked when she took and shoved it hard down the steps and continued on into the school. That was his Slytherin princess, strong and determined.