Wangji could swear that the doorbell rang right next to his ears, jolting his whole being on the bed. He lights up his phone, forcing his sanded eyes open to find the screen reading 8:21am. Fuck. Forty-five minutes of lying awake.

He kicks up from his bed and makes his way to his front door trying not to squint through the burn, almost toppling on the luggage he left in the living room. The familiar doorknob is cold in his palm, but what it opened to felt warm in Wangji's partially functioning mind.

"Hey—" Xuanyu cuts off at the last consonant. "Oh my god. Were you asleep or haven't you been sleeping at all?"

Wangji curses himself. "Trying to," Wangji mumbles.

"When did you arrive?" Xuanyu looks worried closing the door behind him.

"Hour and a half ago."

Xuanyu sighs, and then his body is against Wangji's chest arms curled around his waist. Wangji thinks, partly, that he shouldn't be burdening him with his shit, but it feels so warm and so affectionate. He can't say if it's just the lack of sleep or if he's trying to grasp on little things in his craving for emotion.

"What went wrong?" Xuanyu asks as if he knew.

Wangji blankets the bony shoulder blades, dumping the pretense on the floor. "I think I messed up," Wangji murmurs. "I don't know what I did wrong. But I think I messed up." His voice comes hoarse as if he'd been crying. He wasn't. He can't remember the last time he was capable of such emotional outlets.

Xuanyu's palms rub from his chest to up his neck, gently pushing him back enough to see his face. They're kissing, it's a familiar path back to the bedroom on which Xuanyu too, tumbles on the luggage. Once there's nothing between them, Wangji recalls how it all started. He remembers why they held on for so long, and he thinks, yeah, this is better than crying. He may not have survived the adaption that tore off a layer of his skin without a distraction this good. If it's a cowardly escape from responsibilities, so be it, it was good.

He remembers once Xuanyu lying half on the pillow and half on his forearm, asking the forbidden question, "If you continue to stay, do you think we'll work out?" and Wangji kissed him without answering because he didn't dare to think about it.

Sometimes, he wonders if he should have. Or maybe this is as good as it gets.

Wangji jolts feeling the dip of the mattress. Xuanyu sat on the edge of the bed, flipping a t-shirt over. He slides his arms in. It falls down his back—it's too big.

Did I doze off?

Wangji fights his drooping eyelids and reaches out. "Wait, let me—"

Xuanyu turns. "Oh, did I wake you? Go back to sleep."

"I'll—"

"Shh, sleep."

When Wangji woke up, he can't recall when or how, but he did fall asleep. The sunlight was bright leaking through the space around his thick curtains, dimly illuminating the edges of his room. He forces his eyes to open to find Xuanyu curled up next to him, right in the middle of the bed like they had been holding each other at some point when they were asleep.

Wangji digs for his phone between the pillows but finds it on top of Xuanyu's MacBook on the nightstand. Something warms up picturing Xuanyu setting it aside, moving the pillows close, making space for himself—Wangji stops thinking. He can't afford to know what put him to sleep.

He hangs his head down, palms digging into his temples. A second of grounding to get himself off the bed. A quick leap like it's an escape.

In the bathroom, he avoids his reflection as if it was his sworn enemy, refusing to meet his cowardly eyes, refusing to examine his post-sex image. He gets over the shower as fast as he could and pulls up a pair of loose shorts in the living room from his luggage.

An overhead stretch takes off the tension in his shoulders just a notch, tearing through cramps. His phone lay on the kitchen table where he left it. He scrolls his notification thread without picking it up and freezes. Four texts from Wei Ying.

In a strange place of relief and uncertainty, he kills the screen without checking them. And proceeds to pull out a t-shirt from the suitcase. A glass of water—he's parched. He leans an arm over the table, unintentionally next to his phone. Considers. Should I? He picks it up. Keeps it back. Groaning, he taps it unlock straight from the notification, and lets the chat open before his hesitation takes the better of him.

Lan Zhaan
I didn't get to ask all the questions I had. That's unfair.
You have to answer them okay. I'm not letting you off.
By answers I don't mean your political ones.

That's all? No questioning whatsoever about the incident at the bar. As is the fact that they met and almost kissed was a dream he woke up from. Wangji couldn't say if he should bring it up and solve it right away as he would usually do, but he decides to leave it there. I'll try, he types and hits send.

Xian's reply buzzes when he keeps the empty glass back.

Great!
Well, you told me you're queer.

Yeah

The typing bubble appears. Wangji inhales, bracing himself. This is it. They should talk and get it over with.

The text comes up.

Do you like to incorporate that part of you in your work?

Wangji stares at the screen, weighing the next step, and decides to answer it professionally, letting Xian choose the direction of their conversation.

It's followed by more questions about his inspiration and work methods. His edits and concepts. Xian asks for the songs when he tells him that he uses lyrics as captions. Wangji promises to send them in later.

Okay, let's be honest did I get your type right?

I think, yes.

So
Ummmm
Does your range include someone like me

Wangji stares at the question, heart thumping for no apparent reason.

I'm asking if you would give a chance to someone like me gege

Like that gege at the end could erase the tangible fucking tension. Wangji types, I'm currently in a relationship. It's when the message is delivered that he realizes, he's been holding his breath.

Xian starts typing right away.

I'll be waiting for love then

It's followed by a comical teary eye emoticon as if setting the whole conversation to be something jovial.

Don't take my flirting too seriously okay.
Are you uncomfortable now?

Wangji can't even think of what to decipher when those two texts come in sequence.

I'm not. I hope you won't disappear because of this.

I won't.
We'll remain friends, won't we?

Of course

Xian leaves with a brief goodbye and a reminder of his work. His status turns offline in a few seconds, and Wangji leans back, letting out a sigh, thinking what a pity it would've been had they cut ties.

He rubs his hands over his thighs but hisses having accidentally brushed the small lumps that took the shape of Xuanyu's fingernails. He recalls the sensations, he recalls the little things they have unknowingly developed since that first curious night, everything they've tried to limit in their tangles of imposed casualness.

What if it's been too long to keep ignoring them?

He was afraid to even imagine what it'll be like for Xuanyu by the end of the month, the number of weekends left countable with just one hand.

It shouldn't be a big deal. This is as far as their promises went. But Wangji didn't know what to feel about it anymore.

***

Wangji was opening the take-out fried rice cartons when Xuanyu appears from the bedroom. "That smells nice," he comments helping himself into the bathroom, and, "Isn't it too late for lunch?" once he's out.

"Let's have a late dinner," Wangji says. Xuanyu's face is half questioning and half smiling when he sits across. "Stay the night," Wangji adds.

His look remains a second before an uncertain smile quirks on his lips. "I don't know if I can do more."

Wangji looks up. It's a see-through lie. "That's not what I meant. Just sleep here and leave in the morning." That actually was not what he meant, but Xuanyu would usually be happy to receive, they both knew it. "I want you to stay."

Xuanyu opens his mouth and closes it back. "Okay," he murmurs, drooping over the table with his head over his folded arms.

Wangji notices the scarlet spreading on his nape and smirks.

"Did you sleep well?"

Wangji makes a positive hum.

"You said stress is what gives you insomnia right?"

"That's what it seems like," Wangji replies. "I don't know for sure."

Xuanyu pushes up from the table with a deep inhale, eyes still puffed from sleep. "Have you ever considered if it's me that's stressing you out so much?" He's looking up like he desperately wants to tear Wangji's mind to know what's inside, and sighs. "Or would you rather not think about it?"

Wangji flexes his jaw muscles, teeth clenched. "I have not." He purses his lips. "The second too. I can't imagine that making me feel any better."

Xuanyu chuckles, tiredly. "But I think you should." He kicks his chair and reaches up to leave a peck on Wangji's cheek, saying, "Okay, I have to try a glam trial for Halloween so I'm burrowing your bathroom for like, an hour. Provide commentary please."

A while later, Wangji is trying to catch up with the classes he missed that day, his portable speaker playing Xuanyu's playlist from the kitchen. And Xuanyu is in his bathroom humming along the music with one eyelid painted in shiny orange and white spider webs over it.

Don't tell your mother. He lip-syncs, coming back to the living room. Kiss one another. He yanks Wangji's head back, smirking. Die for each other. Almost kisses him, but says, we're cool for the summer. And then he's out of his grasp, dancing his way back through the edgy guitar riff.

Wangji half hysterically thinks what an ironic symbolism it is, having realized that he wouldn't get to see Xuanyu on Halloween. "What did you choose for the costume?" Wangji asks, almost reflexively.

"I was thinking of being a drag queen. Or James Charles. Or be a drag queen in a James Charles outfit. Either way, help me pick a name. I'll teach you how it's done."

"Which James Charles outfit?"

"Hm, the white Coachella one maybe."

"Wasn't that critiqued pretty badly?"

"Wangji, babe, that's exactly why I would do it," Xuanyu snickers, releasing the underside of his eyes from his fingers. "Wait. How do you even know that?"

"Came up on a YouTube video."

Xuanyu snorts. "Are you sure you just didn't want to check out his ass? It is a good ass."

"Vanilla Cortisan." Wangji almost coughs.

"What?"

"The name. For the drag queen." Wangji does an offhanded shrug. "It suits you."

Xuanyu stares at him with his jaw hung open. Wangji laughs his ass off.

No, it would've been good if I stay, Wangji thinks. But he knows better than anyone that some things aren't meant to last long. He just had to figure out if this is one of them

-----

I guess I should say that this won't be an entrance-build-climax sort of book. This is more sequential and free. So expect many climaxes and many, many light-hearted sweet stuff XDXD

Song mentioned: Cool For the Summer by Demi Lovato