https://youtu.be/fbHbTBP_u7U

Letters, historically used for communication. From secret love exchanges via pigeons to just catching up before humanity discovered the newest technology of today's era. The core is the value of the written word, like the heart spilled onto paper to be engraved forever. For Lucy, this meaning had been stripped away unexpectedly. This still burned, stinging harder than her worn down wrist. Humans were made through evolution to bond in communities, not to be shoved to the barricades.

With time lapsing at a horrifyingly rapid pace, she had what felt like no relationship with her own parents anymore. Admittedly their last letter was passive aggressive and outright nasty but nothing, that's just cold-hearted. Psychopathic, even. Ava was more fortunate, she had tough love but it was support. She was wanted, Lucy couldn't say she felt the same. In fact, she was dumped by the door of the unit like trash then escorted in by Martha and the last words she heard from the outside were "Your a disgrace". Sometimes in the night she'd ponder in her thoughts and imagine alternative scenarios. What if she had a mum like Ava who was actually affectionate? She shouldn't have to earn that, its the main role of a parent. How dare that be stripped from her?

Since that faithful night she was brave enough to confess her feelings to Ava, Lucy hasn't been the same. It's a familiar feeling but a distinct and unrelenting fear is overwhelming her- homophobia. See, her mum had been raised as an avid Catholic who has dedicated over 40 years of service to Bristol's community chapel. Traditional religious values were brainwashed into her at such a young age, she can even recount Bible verses like an AI bot upon request. Her views were so distorted that since secondary school Lucy had to learn how to ' shut up and obey'. Her mum firmly believed that 3 factors were major sins:

1. mental illness= just pray it away, you clearly just feel guilty about a sin

2. Homosexual relationships=  Should be heterosexual for Adam and Eve

3. Sex before marriage

This lifestyle was draining for an imposter to the church. Lucy never really connected with her mums beliefs, especially after witnessing her best-friend being ruthlessly bullied in school for listening to Girl in Red. At this point, she wasn't even thinking about her sexual identity but she had an innate drive to defend her so much stronger than  to obey her mother. That's the first time she actively rebelled against her mother, it was a rocky time for their relationship with constant bickering. When the bullying got worse, her friend transferred schools so Lucy was sent spiraling deep into her mental health war. With her mother as the enemy, depression (or as they call it in here 'depo') became her new best-friend there as a heated blanket for the dark times to seclude her from the hate. Acting as a defensive barrier like armor does for bullet holes, she blocked out the religion as much as she could before turning to Ana for further assistance, which takes us to this point in the narrative.

If we jump forward to the present, Lucy has basically been exiled by her mum now in sentiment of the religion. An institute designed for safety and unconditional love has had its values skewed, ruining a budding adolescent's life. She used to wonder what made her the one imperfection but now she's starting to unravel the disturbing truth and through gritted teeth she is forced to admit to herself that she's better off without it.

Despite this, the fantasy of communication and asylum in a familiar home lives on endlessly in her head. She shared this with Ava in a moment of vulnerability yet she's not ready to confess this to the therapist yet. The conversation went something like this:

Lucy: "Your lucky to have a mum who travels for you, I don't"

Ava: "Well you should. And it's not all great honestly"

Lucy: "Yeah but you have a home Ave, I don't. I have people to call home but not a place. Bristol is scarred now, you know?"

Ava: *silence as she has no valid response*

If only Lucy could recover enough to escape this hellhole and rip these chapters out of her life, she would love to move to Bath. The city has substantial tourist appeal and is infamous for it's literature such as Mary Shelley's Frankenstein. This is her favorite book that she has read at least 3 times since being admitted to the unit, visiting the museum would be a bucket list goal. Alongside Ava? A dream come true, maybe even her destiny.

Admitted into the unit only 2 months before she was supposed to start college, Lucy craved knowledge on English literature. It was her best subject at GCSE level that has always acted as a security blanket for her in school, distracting her from the demons and sending her into an imaginary world where anything is possible. Frankenstein had stood out to her due to the complex genre that forever changed the expectations of horror, a status she hopes to hold one day as a successful author if she overcomes this beast.

They say most great authors are built from trauma right? She certainly fits the bill. Focusing her passion on Melanie Martinez since she released the groundbreaking album 'Crybaby', her lyrics provide inspiration for her. Even in this unit she has more liberty to listen to her music then back at home where Kids bop or hymns would be blasted until her ears were practically bleeding, or at the very least wanted to. She always counted herself lucky her mum never learnt about the Westboro Baptist church, that music would've driven her clinically insane. ( Come on, they sound like screeching cats who are being strangled you have to be a psychopath or deaf to like them)

The fact that her mum hadn't sent a letter meant she was 100% done with her. It's cut-throat in this world and centuries of indoctrination makes cruelty her mother's second nature. It's her whole identity, Lucy should have seen this coming when she refused to repent her depo away. With Charlie and Ava in her support circle, as long as they all stayed strong together they were unbreakable but they were all fragile. Underneath the tough exteriors, everyone on any adolescent psych ward is broken. It's the criteria for being there, only those attention deprived 10 year-olds on TikTok actually label it a 'grippy sock vacation'.

Even now, it was impossible for Lucy to process her relationship with Ava. She was the most beautiful and courageous girl here in her eyes yet it felt weird, like letting go of her mother's expectations in a peaceful rebellion. But it felt wrong morally, like a mortal sin in her mother's words. In Lucy's mind, Ava doesn't deserve to know this. Not yet, she's too good to feel unwanted. She needs to recover, even if its only for Lucy's motivation to change as well. They can both grow their wings together.

But her touch felt right, it was golden.
Her lips, so smooth.
Her presence, just so enticing
Her loyalty, honorable
So what was the missing piece?

Lucy was the golden retriever of the trio, following the orders and thriving with a practiced fake smile to recover. She always had positive words for the others when they felt down, nobody could cry alone as long as she was there. To live her destiny, to get to the home of literature, Lucy needed to make dramatic changes that she had promised the others she was doing. She kept her word and so did the others, Charlie even started smiling again and looked less pale.

 They were improving together but without a home, Lucy would be abandoned again once they recovered and returned to their sanctuaries. They were her safe place, maybe they could also provide a physical space. Between regimen, alone time and thorough CBT sessions there was plenty of time to reflect on this. Too much time, a deadly amount of time for the anxious brain. It was practically an open invitation for overthinking and well what better place for it other than a psych ward for the insane and the dentist's office for the normal in society?

This is the disruption to her peace where Lucy feels the slow burn of faith being shredded like a hundred razor blades. The blackhole opening inside her that she is desperately trying to heal, only Ava's touch can sow it up. Hopefully in the future she can look back at this journal entry and be proud of her achievements, hopefully she will make it to her home. If love can teach us any message here perhaps its that compassion is all you need to patch up wounds, like when you were a toddler and a single kiss from your mother would erase your pain for a while. She definitely won't be praying though.