Taking time to analyze her books in her free time, Lucy's journal swiftly started filling up with her neat and rhythmic cursive writing. From reviews to her own ideas for books one day, the energy was flowing and Ava could just sit back and watch her. Kiera had been a great influence for her, simply the ability to read would make a smile wash across her pale face. It almost reminded Ava of her passion for psychology and her dream of exploring the competitive world of clinical psychology but enough about that, It's not like she can get there without finishing college.

At least Lucy still had more of a chance to finish an A level without re-sitting a wasted year and losing friends, and Ava had committed herself to support her even if it may sting a little. 

https://youtu.be/m9DO3zpdWqw

A blue butterfly represents eating disorder recovery and hope, also the transformation into a new life. Like Ava's poem said, maybe they could escape this tangled mess together hence why she had sketched it delicately on the journal's cover. Lucy was starting to thrive in the unit since she had a route into literature for the first time out of GCSE levels, reflecting in their joint fear food challenge which looked as below for the past week:

Coffee + snack goals

- Mon: skinny latte + gingerbread biscuit ( panic attack material)

- Tues: skinny caramel latte + biscuit  (safe)

- Wed: skinny caramel mocha + waffle

- Thurs: oat latte + shared cupcake

- Fri:  Oat based caramel latte + parfait (pure panic)

- Sat: Skinny hot chocolate + banana (more relaxed)

-Sun: Caramel hot chocolate + parfait (shh definitely not a sneaky sugar free version)

Between the relentless anxiety and mix of nervous laughs, they got through it together with Lauren cheering them on from the background in their community sessions. She was way more efficient than Martha, at least she actually had emotions. Before the illness had taken over, coffee dates had been a huge part of Ava's routine in college whether it was for breaks in-between classes or just from pure boredom, it gave her a sense of community. Learning that sentiment again with her committed girlfriend was a thrilling experience like she was strapped into a rollercoaster.  

It's impossible to explain the true meaning of the sentiment to the neurotypical folks I suppose because caffeine and cake is such a normalized part of life nowadays. Most teenagers breathe the substance in like oxygen but when your mind cuts that off with no warning, even the skinniest milk possible can feel like an unbeatable obstacle. See, to murder the beast known as Ana safe foods are a comfort blanket and expanding that list can feel impossible.
Holding Lucy's hand whilst doing so was definitely helping Ava.

Once the anxiety tidal waves had simmered down, Ava could just see a spark ignited in her and it was admirable.  Her tutoring style with Charlie was soothing to observe and just how her demeanor changed when she held her journal left her in awe,  Ava hadn't seen her this happy for a while expect for their first kiss of course (or at least she hoped).

Lauren had been a guardian angel for the girls, even inspiring Ava to share her work with the others. Whilst her imagination was lacking on the creative side, Lucy was pleased just to witness her efforts even if she was probably trying not to sleep while writing it. As dinner service was rounding to a close on therapy day, Ava returned to her room alone waiting for Lucy to return from her CBT session. Curiosity getting the better of her, she searched for Lucy's journal and flicked through it, hyper- fixated on the words like a young child. In particular, one page had caught her attention: it was a seemingly ordinary entry but there was something so personal about it she just couldn't look away.

Week 2 of my literature journey

Firstly, I am actually learning now!
GCSES were rough as anything but if I keep this going with Lauren I should be able to get into college when we leave here. Ave has been so curious and it's sweet but I know really just a glance at some of these books bore her to death. But she's putting up with me and Charlie so I must be doing something right.

Anyways, it's relaxing after a hard day here. I really wish my mum would read this and be proud of me again, I can be something. Hopefully.

Captivated by the entry, she lost track of time. Lucy returned but she didn't even notice so she smugly snuck behind Ava to give her a hug then peeked over her shoulder.

" Ay nosy", teased Lucy, softly fidgeting with her hair.

" I was curious Luce, damn your good. I'm proud of you if that's worth anything", said Ava, looking back at her and sneaking a quick kiss onto her lips before settling onto her own bed.

"Aw thanks, hope i wasn't too insulting to you. I do miss my mum though, she is a narcissist and wrong but you get on so well with yours", sighed Lucy.

" Firstly, you were not insulting there's a reason I chose psychology over reading no offence miss awesome", began Ava. "Secondly, my mum can't even trust me and I can't say anything to change that Luce, I know you miss your mum but honestly mine is being a bitch too"

"Not as much as mine, even Cartman's mum can't compete with mine right now", joked Lucy with a slight smile.

" She doesn't deserve the title of mum. Me and Charl care. Charl's mum cares. You deserve us not a cult. Now cheer up, you'll need the energy to do more studying than those GCSES!" exclaimed Ava in response, seeing she was all clear so rubbing her thighs.

"Ok old lady", sniggered Lucy.

"Oi", teased Ava as she pushed her down onto her bed for a sneaky kiss then rubbed her arms, refusing to sit up.

*blushing* "Get up, I can hear Martha", whispered Lucy.

Just like that, the moment was over but like a game of cat and mouse, they had the control here. They could trick her if they were careful, it was satisfying as hell.