I remember the anger. A door slammed. It woke me from a dream. You were there. We were in a field. Bright yellow daises blew in the breeze. The sun was getting low and you rolled over to look at me. I was sitting on the blanket as you stared up at me through mascara soaked eye lashes. I desperately tried to fall back into my perfect dream. I heard your bed slide across the floor in your room. Could I ignore it if i tried? I heard the words blare from your stereo. Linkin Park screamed load through the walls. I wanted to get up. I wanted to save you from yourself. I knew what you were doing. How could they ignore you? How did they not see what I seen? Were they really too caught up in themselves? My eyes floated shut as the music drown out your screams. I fell back into my dream land. The field had changed. Your eyes were red. Black smears ran down your cheeks. The flowers seemed to drop their heads as you let tears hit the blanket. The blanket was soaked. Red and sticky. I couldn't move from where I sat. My hands were soaked in blood. Your pulse seemed to speed so much that I could see it when your body fell still.

My body jerked awake. Sweat soaked my body. Your music was still blaring. I stood too fast. The room spun out from under me and I hit my head. The pain shot through me like nails. My door flew open and hit hard against the wall. You were standing there looking down at me. Your cheeks stained black. Your eyes red as fire. Blood twinkled in the light as you bent down to help me up. My eyes darted up to meet yours. You smiled at me as if nothing was wrong. I stood and followed you out of my room. Your door was open. Scissors sat on the bed. Why did you do this? I looked at you as you wiped blood from you snow white arm. You looked cold, broken. But somehow you held a beautiful smile upon your face. Is this how you fooled them? A hurt child under a smile. A simple smile that fell for a second as you caught me staring at what you had down. When I looked back to your eyes you seemed scared. You looked so empty but you let that smile find its place again. Maybe it had been so long since they had seen the real thing. The real smile you used to share, I remember, reached your eyes. This smile was wrong, deceiving. How could you hide like this? When you know that you needed someone to save you from yourself? I wanted to speak to you. To tell you that I loved you. When I opened my mouth you held up your finger. Why didn't you want me to speak? No one was here. They left after the yelling. They said they'd be back. Why are the taking so long? They need to see you like this.

Lights flashed through the window. Fear shot through your eyes. You ran to the safety of your room and came out in a long sleeve shirt. I wanted to scream at you. You know that I did. You smiled at me. I smiled back. I knew you wanted me not to tell so our secret smiles were a promise. Our dad walked in the house first. He looked at you and frowned. I could tell that he had something to say. Was he scared? Did he know what you had done? Our mom walked in a few moments later. You stared at her. She couldn't stand your stare. She always looked away from you. Her eyes fell on me and I smiled. Maybe she is afraid of you. Did you give her a reason to be afraid of you? I don't remember you hurting her.

My mind flashed back to the time you held the knife to my neck. I didn't mean to upset you. I only wanted something to eat and I couldn't cook like you. I remember the feel of the blade. It was cold, but it wasn't sharp. Why wasn't it sharp? You told me you held the sharp end away from me. You only wanted to scare me. Why did you want to scare me? I remember the look in your eyes. Sometimes I see that look when you stare at our mother. She loves you. I hope you wouldn't hurt her. I know now that you wouldn't hurt me.

Their bedroom door slammed shut and there was more yelling. You walked slowly to the kitchen. I remember watching you carefully from the living room. I could see your pulse in your chest. The rise and fall as you inhaled and exhaled. You were mad. Very mad. I sat as you opened the cabinet that held the knives. What were you doing? Our parent's bedroom door opened slowly. You stepped in. I saw the knife behind your arm. It seemed to glow in the light. I ran outside and stood on a crate to look in their bedroom window. You stood there staring at them. Your eyes burned and your cheeks were still smeared black.

"Look what you do!" I heard you yell. You said something more but it was quiet. I watched as their eyes darted to the knife, now where they could see it. Were the scared of you? They sat and listened to what you were saying carefully. You pulled the knife against moms collar bone. It must have cut her skin open because blood began to pool on her tan colored dress shirt. Dad stood and walked to the bathroom. I stepped down from the crate and moved to the bathroom window. You were in there now too. He was standing face forward again the wall. You locked the door in one swift move and swung the knife across his back. Blood pooled there around the opening in his dark green shirt. You turned, spying me in the window.

My heart stopped as a smile spread across your face. I watched you walk from the bathroom. Before I knew it you were standing behind me. "They were mean to me sissy," you said to me. I nodded at you. You held the knife out to me and I took it. "Do it to me," you said with your eyes closed. I didn't want to but I knew you'd be mad at me if I didn't. I placed the blade hard against your chest bone. I could feel the blade push into and open your skin. You cried in pain as the knife fell to the ground. I watched the blood pool on your pretty blue long sleeve shirt. When you finally opened your eyes they were clear. You smiled at me. "Everything will be okay." I smiled back and followed you into the house.

Mom had called the police. When we reached the door I heard the noise. They were taking you from me. You tried to hand the knife to me but I wouldn't take it. "They'll take me away sissy." I looked up at you. "I know they will," I replied. A smirk played on her face. It was the scariest thing i had ever seen. She shoved the blade hard into her flesh. I heard the rip of skin and muscle. Blood ran from your body, down the knife, over your hands, and to the ground. Your body looked cold, almost lifeless as you stood there. The cops grabbed your limp body as you fell. They looked at me. Their eyes were full of sorrow. The rise and fall of your chest was slowing. When the ambulance arrived they wheeled you away. I stood still, my feet seeming to be stuck where they were. Dad was taken in another ambulance and Mom in another.

"Do you want us to take you somewhere sweetie," a cop had said down to me. I simply stared after your ambulance as they took you away. Would I ever see you again?