It's one of those days again. I slap my blaring alarm which yells at me to get my ass out of bed. Like every day, my eyes shift to the glowing numbers even though I know what time they will read. 7:01 am. As I get out of bed, my whole body is tense and my hands and feet tingle as though I have a case of pins and needles; I don't, but it's like this sometimes.

I already feel exhausted and I have only just woken up. This is another normal for me. On days like these, I usually struggle to do anything productive, which I suppose isn't the best thing when you have college orientation in under an hour. With the exhaustion comes irritation. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I feel as though there's something I'm forgetting and for the life of me I can't remember what it is.

I'm not normal. I suffer from anxiety through severe panic disorders. There isn't always a danger or a reason to panic, but my fucked-up mind hasn't quite gotten the memo. This year will be a big step for me. Ever since my parents passed away in a fire that destroyed my childhood home when I was twelve my mum's younger sister, Rosa and her husband Jason have taken care of me and Zeus. Up until last year, I was living in their home and being home-schooled by Jason who works part-time at the school I used to attend before shit hit the fan.

Since being home-schooled I have yet to step foot in a school let alone a classroom. Too many eyes, too many opportunities to make a fool of myself, but my therapist advised me that college was a chance to make a life for myself and overcome my mental battles, maybe find a friend.

As I walk towards my dresser, I glance towards my roommate whom, despite my alarm, is still fast asleep. I have only met her briefly in the two weeks we have shared a room, she's usually out with her own friends, or asleep. The most I know about her is the fact that her name is Lucinda—although she dared me to ever call her that—she goes by Luce, she has a tattoo of a Datura flower on her wrist, and she's an art major.

When I reach my dresser, I aim to find the bleakest outfit I own, but who am I kidding, the entirety of my clothes consists of oversized shirts, hoodies, jeans, and sweats. I have a wide colour scheme to choose from, blue, black and white, preferably black. The less attention I draw to myself the better, that's rule number one.

I settle for blue boyfriend jeans, a shirt, and a black hoodie and decide to pair it with my black high-top converse. Thankfully our room has a bathroom attached, otherwise its highly unlikely I'd ever shower. I leave my clothes sitting on the edge of my bed and after I close the bathroom door behind me I strip out of my plain oversized shirt I wore to bed.

I turn on the faucet and wait for the water to heat before I hop inside. Steam quickly fogs up the glass and it isn't long before the water somewhat relaxes my tense muscles. Outside the bathroom, I hear a thud and my heart quickens. I rush out of the bathroom, a towel wrapped around my body and hands clasped tightly against my chest. After I emerge I see Luce sprawled on the floor massaging her shoulder.

"Are-are you okay?" I manage to stutter out, even though I hardly hear the words come out of my mouth with how loud my heart sounds in my own ears.

She glances up at me from her position on the floor and nods slowly. Her muddy brown eyes reassure me that she's fine even before she confirms it. "Yeah, I'm good. Just my talented ass falling out of bed, sorry I scared you."

I extend a hand towards her, one hand still clutching my towel, and when she grasps it I pull her up off the floor and manage a laugh at how ridiculous her hair looks. She laughs herself when she catches her reflection in the mirror and reaches up a hand to brush the glossy black strands in an attempt to tame them.

"We have orientation in half an hour, I'm done in the shower so it's all yours," I tell her as I retreat to the side of my bed where I left my clothes. She thanks me before heading into the bathroom herself. By the time she emerges several minutes later, I'm dressed and am tying my hair into a messy bun.

She walks and sits on the edge of her bed, hairbrush in hand, before looking over to me. I see her mouth go to move and hesitate before she finally speaks. "I know we haven't spoken to each other much since we've been here and that was rude of me, sorry."

I'm shocked at her genuineness and am taken aback for a second. "I wouldn't worry, I'm a bit of a hermit and don't usually socialise well. Regardless, I would like to get to know you if that's okay with you. It would be nice to have someone in this godawful place I can count on."

Her laugh rings around the room and my lips tip in what I'm sure is a smile, although it feels unfamiliar on my face. "That sounds great. Anyway, enough with the serious talk I'll get grey hairs. Speaking of hair, would you mind braiding mine, I can never manage to do it myself and I know you can do it from that first day we met." She refers to when I put my hair in braids before I went to sleep the first night. The act of twisting and doing something with my hands settles me and calms me down, especially when I cannot rely on Zeus here.

I nod and proceed to braid her hair while she tells me things about herself, where she's from (here, Newcastle), her plans while she's here (get laid first, get a degree second) and other small things that mean a lot to hear. It feels good to talk to someone who isn't my aunt or uncle, people that are obligated to talk to me and tell me I "just need to relax."

I finish up her hair in no time and she gets dressed, even putting on some makeup quickly. She comes to stand beside me when she finishes and I notice that we are a stark contrast to each other. Her clothes scream confidence in lilac coloured doc martens, faded blue jeans and a white crop top that reads 'fuck you' in bold black writing. Before I can turn into myself and hide in our room for the rest of the year, Luce grasps my hand in her tight grip and leads me out the door into my worst nightmare.

Chaos. That's what this is. There are people everywhere, walking in every which direction. There are people standing behind stalls, coercing you to join their club whether that be a language, singing, sport, or drama club. It's interesting to look at the various mixed emotions each person has on their face: joy, cautiousness, excitement, accomplishment. While everyone else is consumed with thoughts of which group to sign up to, my head is still in the clouds trying to remember what I've forgotten. Thankfully, through it all Luce continues to hold my hand and guide me, and I find that I'm actually reassured by this. Someone is tying me down to this earth, grounding me so I won't float away.

She walks like she's on a mission and it's not until after that I realise why. We reach the end of what looks like a lacrosse field and Luce lets go of my hand to run towards a group of shirtless guys at the stall which contains what I'd assume to be the Waymouth's Lacrosse Team by the sign in front. When she reaches them she jumps into the arms of a tatted up blonde and he catches her in his embrace without a second thought. Before I can wonder how she knows him she captures him in a sweet kiss and the awkwardness of watching it causes me to glance elsewhere.

My eyes meet the glorious six-pack of one of the guys instead. Jesus, whatever water they're drinking is what I need, but I suppose what could I expect from guys playing college lacrosse. My eyes move upwards and along the arms crossed over his chest, the muscles straining and pulsing with each slight movement he makes. Peeking behind his arms I notice a tattoo of angel wings and some kind of script, which leads to a sleeve on his right arm. I itch to trace them with my finger and learn what each of them is a reminder of. When I reach his face I'm taken aback by just how gorgeous he is. And not in a preppy, Ken doll kind of way, but by how rugged he is. His hair, whilst still a decent length on top, was shaved on the sides. His lips are drawn into a thin line and his eyes, oh his eyes. Those amber gems stare right back at me with the same curiosity and as he catches my eyes, those lips tip into a smirk. Fuck. I quickly turn back to Luce and resume my walk towards her. Nice to know that in the time I spent ogling that hunk of a guy, she and the guy had detached their mouths from each others.

By the time I make up the distance she ran, Luce has been placed on the ground by the unnamed blonde and she places a hand on my shoulder. "Charlie, this is my roommate Lily. Lily, this is my asshole boyfriend who has not let me have a moment of peace since sophomore year." I laugh at her blatant rudeness, but I can tell by her eyes that she means it as a term of endearment by the loving look she gives him.

He grins, "Nice to meet you, any friend of Lucinda's is a friend of mine." As Luce gives him a wack behind the head, he grimaces. I extend my hand, but I still as he steps in to pull me into his embrace. My body freezes and I look off into the distance, nothing in particular capturing my attention as my gaze darts around. It's only a second and then he pulls back and grabs my shoulders in a soft grasp. My eyes find his lips which are moving, but I don't hear anything.

"Yo, you okay?"

Finally, my hearing returns and I nod my head. I bring my hands together and wring them nervously as I bow my head in embarrassment. "Yeah, sorry. It's good to meet you as well."

The worry subsides in his eyes and he grins again. "So, will you be joining the men's lacrosse team on this very fine day?" He jokes and points towards the registration form.

"Highly unlikely, not only am I the most uncoordinated person out there, I fail in the genital department." Luce, Charlie and a couple of the other guys surrounding us laugh at my lame attempt at humour.

"You seem like you'll fit in just fine. The name's Mason." A guy with dark brown hair pulled back into one of those disastrous man-buns quips. "After we're done here we were thinking about going to The Pizza Bar for lunch, y'all are welcome to join us."

Luce chimes that she in and while they talk more about the details I check my phone seeing I have a text from Rosa.

Don't forget about your appointment today at 2, lol x

I laugh at the fact that, regardless of what I've told her, she still thinks that 'lol' means 'lots of love'. At least her message reminds me and the irritation I'd been feeling all day knowing I'd forgotten something important leaves me. The fog in my head clears as well as the edginess.

"You in, Lily?" Luce asks me when I return the phone to my back pocket.

"Not this time, sorry. I have an appointment on the other side of town at two," I comment apologetically, "maybe next time...?" I leave the question open.

"Yeah, of course. There will be plenty of opportunities if you're going to be hanging around this bottomless pit." Charlie jokes as he flicks Luce's shoulder and she rolls her eyes.

I smile in return and say my goodbye's to them and the other guys, making a point not to look at the guy that had caught my attention earlier. I begin to walk back towards the dorms and into the carpark.

Dr. Morton, or Kate as she likes to go by, is a middle-aged lady with olive skin with glasses that always sit so far on her nose that I question how they don't fall off when she scribbles notes.My appointment with Kate goes like any other. We talk about anything that's been troubling me, my relationship with Rosa and Jay and how I'm managing my anxiety. Occasionally she'll nod and hum or add input and give advice. She doesn't acknowledge if I'm getting better, because apparently I'm the only person who can determine that, but she listens. And sometimes, all I need is someone to listen and occasionally tell me I'm not crazy or alone.

However, the introduction of a new chapter in my life, attending a school where I won't be the only student, brings a new topic to the mix.

"Did you do anything today that made you step out of your comfort zone?" I reflect upon today's events and tilt my head slightly into a nod. "In a way, yes. I was really second-guessing going to the orientation day because of the crowds of people, but with Luce holding my hand I managed. Next time I'd like to be able to try and do that alone. I also talked to a couple new people as well, I did freeze when Luce's boyfriend gave me a hug though."

"Why do you think that was?" Her inquisitive eyes watch my movements, especially when I look down and trace lines on my jeans.

When I look up I ask, "Why do you think it was?" I don't know why I ask, because I know she won't answer. "I don't know. I don't think I'm used to physical affection. I can't remember the last time someone hugged me, Rosa and Jay are more verbal with their affection." She hums but doesn't say anything. I continue. "When he hugged me I felt trapped. I guess, subconsciously, it reminded me of when I was stuck in that room and my limbs were frozen."

She just nods and changes the subject, "I would suggest moving forward that you see where it goes with your new friends, but only you can know what you're ready for. Try and do things that might make you uncomfortable in the short term, but feel accomplished in the long term. We'll catch up again soon." She smiles.

I stand up and walk towards the door and just as my hand touches the latch I hear Kate murmur my name. "Lily," she pauses, "I'm proud of you."

~~~

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Em :)