Listening to:

Felt Like Home - TEEN BLUSH

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December 9th, 2018

JOSIE

Josie had her head buried in her hands and she let out a loud groan. How long had she been muddling over it?

          Five minutes? An hour?

          His username loomed in front of her in lowercase letters, showing in bold that timothymatthews had messaged her.

Hey Josie. I know it's been awhil...

          The rest trailed off and she couldn't bring herself to click it. If she opened it, would that also open a can of worms that she wasn't prepared for?

          When she sent Greg the follow request it had been on a whim, on the off chance that he'd decline because his best friend didn't need to know, because she was too dramatic and Greg had always thought so. Maybe blocking the both of them after the break up hadn't helped her case of not being dramatic, and maybe going back and forth between blocking and unblocking months at a time had really sunk her ship.

          It hadn't been a warranted decision to block them in the first place and they hadn't done anything wrong, Josie just...couldn't do it. She couldn't see what they were doing, what he was doing.

          It was immature and she knew that, but she felt like there was no other way after they'd broken up. If he was there, if she saw his pictures, his face, that smile, she never would have gotten over him. He, on the other hand, didn't understand and had asked her once why she was doing this and to please stop, but after her lack of reply and the quick hit of the block button, he was gone. Out of her life.

          Oh, the powers of social media.

          Josie tore her eyes away from the screen when Hank put his head on her lap. She watched him quietly and ran her fingers through his fur, pondering what to do.

          Wine. Of course.

          "Good idea," she said to Hank as if he were the one to suggest it. "What kind?" He pulled away and there was a trail of drool from his mouth to her leg until it broke from the distance.

          The same could have been said about her and Tim, she supposed.

          She grabbed the bottle of red that her mother had bought her and Nathan for their engagement, taking out the cork with a mind that still wandered to the screen across the room. When she sat back in front of it, she had a glass of wine more than halfway full in her hands, the rich tones of earth and smoke filling her nostrils. She sighed and drank a healthy amount.

          She could reply now if she wanted, it had been long enough. Fifty-five minutes exactly. He wouldn't think she was weird for answering so fast, though he knew how she was. She never answered right away. Ever. Unless there was an urgent need to, of course. Sometimes she would even set an alarm if she noticed a message too soon and would give it maybe twenty minutes before she could say a simple, "Hey".

          Josie didn't want people to think she was waiting on them and constantly checking her phone. She wanted people to think she lived a busy life, that she wasn't too interested, that she couldn't be too interested, because for all they knew, she was busy.

          Her eyes were on Tim's username once more and the message that awaited her. She knew she should look at it.

          Hank grumbled and she blew out a breath of relief.

          "Hungry?" She was quick getting out of her seat, taking the glass with her and drinking as she rounded the kitchen island. Hank excitedly followed.

          She took out his raw patty from the fridge and maneuvered her way around the burly form that flanked her legs, placing the bowl on the counter to prepare the contents. Hank, to no surprise, left a puddle of drool from where he watched her, and as she topped his meal with salmon oil, he started to pace with anticipation.

          "Disgusting, Hank," Josie laughed as she put his dinner on his mat. He hurried to meet her, but she raised her hand, "Ah – be a gentleman." He sat square on his haunches and titled his large head, tongue out. "Paw," she instructed and he listened. "Good boy, go ahead."

          The sound of Hank's tag clanged against the dish as she settled back into her chair, bringing the whole bottle of wine this time.

          What to do, what to do.

          What would Tim be doing? Immediately at the thought, she felt guilty and to ease her conscience, she sent Nathan a text saying she missed him and that she drank the good wine, sorry babe. Pick some more up on the way home?

          Josie still didn't want to open that message though.

          She checked her Instagram feed again, doing a quick once over of Facebook for good measures – who even did that these days? – before she slid onto the brown leather couch in the living room.

          Flipping through the channels took a few minutes and she skimmed Netflix twice until she backed out to land on Love Island, as usual.

          Reality dating shows always put her in a better mood, even if the people on it were outrageously stunning and made Josie want to stop eating. Often, she would subconsciously poke at her belly when the girls played the challenges in their bathing suits, or she would bring a hand to her neck area and examine the bit of fat there.

          Aside from that, she took comfort in seeing other people, the same outrageously stunning people that made her want to stop eating, going through the same heartbreak and chaos as her.

          For a reason that was all too obvious, she couldn't concentrate on the show. The villa in the screen and the beach bodies that occupied it didn't have the alluring attraction that an unread message had.

          Josie found herself slumped at her laptop again, her cheek rested heavily in her right palm. No more excuses. It couldn't be that bad, right? It was only a message.

          Her chest fluttered and panged, and every ounce of anxiety that had built up in the last couple hours came to a head and eventually erupted through her finger tips as she finally - and forcefully - opened the chat.

timothymatthews

Hey Josie. I know it's been awhile, but I saw this and thought you'd like it.

[There should be a GIF or video here. Update the app now to see it.]

Congratulations, by the way.

TIM

          What had he been thinking when he sent that message?

          He was stupid. So, so stupid.

          He moved his mouse to bring the screen to life and his eyes were wild as he searched for any sign of a notification.

          Nothing.

          Except for Rudy getting a cat. Tim sighed and gave the photo a like, the caption announcing: rudy junior is thicc. not me, guys. the cat.

          If there was anything that Rudy shouldn't have, it was a cat. Anything living, really. Tim could tell that the animal would most likely fall into the care of Rudy's mom, or Tim's mom for that matter, he knew the two were close and often had tea on Sundays.

          Tim stared at the message that he had sent Josie half an hour ago, and ran his hands over his face, frustrated. She probably thought he was just waiting for the moment she unblocked him, checking daily to see when he could finally reach out. If only he had waited a day, a few more hours even, then he wouldn't have come across like the creep he felt.

          If he really knew her though, he knew she never answered right away. Ever. So, in actuality, it wasn't that terrible that she hadn't responded yet and he had to remind himself of that.

          He sat for awhile and tried to justify sending her something else. Hi again, sorry that message earlier was so lame. Do you miss me? Please don't block me again.

          His fingers hovered the keyboard for a little longer before he closed the screen in a swift motion. The small thud made him wince. Why did he even care? It wasn't like it mattered; nothing would amount from reconnecting. She was engaged. Freaking engaged.

          Tim needed to occupy himself and quick, before he drove himself crazy.

          He paced the kitchen as he gathered his gym stuff, grabbing his water bottle from the fridge and passing a black bag multiple times to add his belongings into it. As he pulled the zipper closed, he stared blankly at the fridge and wondered if she smelt the same. He breathed in as if he could faintly smell the coconut water and hints of guava. Or was it hints of vanilla?

          Yup. That was creepy.

          The door closed loudly behind him when he left, and he put his headphones in to drown his thoughts. Of course, that song came on, and of course he was on the album he dedicated to her. He had changed the title of it long ago, but he knew the true meaning behind it. He couldn't bear to delete it, though.

          Tim passed his apartment neighbor and waved at her. "Hey Siobhan," he said.

          Siobhan could only nod in return because her arms were full of books. "I'm jealous of your commitment!" she replied in passing, her voice muffled by his music.

          Through the sound in his ears, he heard a small crash and he turned to see the auburn-haired girl kneeling on the ground, collecting her lost items. He was going to keep walking since it looked like she had it handled, but he pulled his AirPods out and stuffed them in his short's pockets – which he hoped he would remember to take out before he washed his clothes this time.

          Siobhan looked up at him when he crouched beside her. "Tim, it's okay, you help me way too much," her laugh was gentle, trying to dismiss him.

          "Um, have you seen these things?" he asked rhetorically as he grabbed two large chemical engineering textbooks that lay defeated on the ground. "I don't know how you were carrying all of this in the first place. What happened to your bag?"

          They both stood and she brushed her wavy hair behind her ear. Tim noted her round hazel eyes as they found his, they were browner than he originally thought. He couldn't help but remember Josie's eyes as darker, a true brown, and more of an almond shape.

          "Don't even get me started," she groaned, "it ripped literally twenty minutes ago."

          "Jeeze, how?"

          "Um, have you seen these things?" she repeated and he rolled his eyes. Siobhan tried putting her notebooks between her arm and side as she held out a hand for the rest. Tim shook his head and stubbornly hid them behind his back. It was her turn to roll her eyes.

          "Well, thanks anyways, Matthews. Today has been killer...just ask my backpack."

          Tim stared for a second before he laughed, "Ah, ask your backpack because it...you know."

          She smiled and tapped the side of her head, "I knew you got into Northwestern for a reason."

          They started walking down the hall, shoulders brushing every couple of steps.

          He brought one of her books closer to his face to read the words: Elements of Chemical Reaction Engineering. Tim made a face at the thought, remembering any type of science in high school being the bane of him.

          "Any plans for the holidays?" he asked when they neared her door.

          "Well, my family is going to Ireland to visit my grandparents," she said as they came to a stop, "but I'm just going to stay here and enjoy the quiet. What about you?" A small smile appeared and she looked away shyly, putting her key in the door with hesitance. "What about Greg?"

          He pursed his lips and put a heavy hand on the back of his neck, not sure what to say. Siobhan had, had her eyes on his best friend since the beginning of the semester, choosing to ignore Greg's subtle hints that he wasn't into her like that.

          "We're heading back to California," Tim replied, "all of us."

          Siobhan nodded, her smile slipping into a disappointed grimace. "Oh, great! I'm sure you'll have so much fun." She jammed her keys into the lock harder now. "Stupid thing," she muttered.

          Tim leaned against the wall as the door finally gave way. He felt like it was his duty as a friend to plant it in her head that Greg was off limits. "Like, Mikayla too, since she and Greg are-"

          "Thanks, Tim. I got it," she cut in.

          Siobhan placed her notebooks on a small table by the door, pulling out pens and a phone from the back pockets of her jeans. He couldn't stop his gaze from falling on her butt as she bent over to pick up a lost sheet of paper, but he quickly looked away when she faced him.

          Tim handed her the textbooks when she revealed her palms to him. "Oh - uh, here you go," he hated himself as he cleared his throat too loud, "I'll probably see you soon."

          "The downside of being neighbors," she huffed, though she was grinning within the same second, "have a good work out, Matthews."

------

          His work out was short lived.

          Only because his mind was elsewhere and whenever he needed to change a song, he would check to see if Josie had replied. After almost forty minutes of stop, go, stop, go, he decided to call it quits.

          The apartment was still empty when he returned, and he was grateful that Greg wasn't there to berate him about sitting in his sweat. He opened his laptop again, refreshing the page in an attempt to get Rudy and his cat off the screen.

          It wasn't surprising when he found no message from her. It was a surprise to find that he hadn't been blocked yet. Maybe she was never going to respond and maybe he was wasting his time.

          He stared for a hopeful moment, but gave up almost as soon as it started.

          Tim found the shower eventually and let the water run down his curls and over his face. He stood there for awhile with no movement, only turning his back to open the can of beer stationed by his two-in-one shampoo and conditioner bottle.

          He managed to drink most of it before he started lathering his mop of brown hair with the shampoo, pushing the growing suds between the strands and letting his head fall back to welcome the flow of water. As it did, his thoughts swam against the current to the front of his head.

          She wasn't going to answer, he felt it in his bones. She moved on and he had always known she would. Josie McCall was someone who moved with the wind and when the breeze picked her up that cold day, she was gone. Tim had stared in dismay, but let it happen. Who was he to stop her?

          Distracted, he almost missed the ping from his phone. He had to open the curtain and stick his head out to listen, though it had obviously disappeared by then. He didn't have his glasses on, so he had to squint to see that his phone sitting on the counter was lit up.

         "Oh, shit," he breathed. Could that be her?

          He tried to hold himself in place, trying to really think if it mattered if it were. No, he decided and buried himself back in the running water, scolding his aching heart.

          Another ping made him reconsider.

          Before his legs relayed the message to his head, he jumped out of the shower, a trail of water following him. He pulled a towel around himself and pushed wet hair from his eyes, hands fumbling to grab a hold of the phone.

          He inhaled deeply, his chest hammering as he dared to look.

all.mccall

hey.

          Tim stared at the one worded message and his mouth moved into a firm line.

          Hey? That was it?

          He pressed his thumb on the chat and it opened to reveal the answer behind the second notification.

all.mccall

[There should be a GIF or video here. Update the app now to see it.]