Chapter Sixteen

"I'm all alone, there's no one here beside me. All my friends have gone...."

"You want another drink?" the bartender asked as he interrupted Ryder's sad, mournful singing.

Ryder nodded and held up his beer glass. The bartender refilled it and then went back to cleaning cups, "We're pretty empty tonight and I'm not real busy. You want to talk about whatever it is that's got you so down in the dumps. As I recall you're damn near the happiest man I've ever met."

"Not tonight," Ryder mumbled as he crossed his arms on the bar and laid his head down on top of them, "I messed up, I guess. I still don't know what I did wrong. All I did was beat the crap out of a man that said mean lies about my woman. How was that wrong?"

"There's your problem right there... A woman!" the bartender assured him, "You're better of without one. Just have some fun with the working girls and forget about the rest."

"But I love her," Ryder replied sadly. He was methodically hitting his head against the wooden bar when he heard someone sit down on the stool beside him. He peeked out of the corner of his eyes and saw Kaitlyn watching him with concern.

"Are you okay?"

Ryder lifted his head and took a big swallow of beer before shaking his head, "Nope. How are you, ex-future wife?"

Kaitlyn sighed and took his beer away from him. She downed a big swig and shrugged, "I'm restless. It's a slow night. We don't have very many customers at nearly midnight on a Sunday."

She offered Ryder his drink back but he shook his head, "You keep it. It ain't workin',"

Kaitlyn saw that Ryder's legs were bouncing as he began to rub his palms methodically on his legs. He was chewing on the inside of his lip and staring down at the bar top, "What's the matter, hun?" she asked gently.

"Susie's mad at me," he replied, sounding as if his entire world had ended.

"What did you do?"

"Beat up Garth. He caused a scene at church, made Susie cry and then called her a whore and I beat the holy hell right out of him. Now she's mad."

"I heard about a fight at the church," Kaitlyn replied.

"That was me," Ryder said forcing a smile that didn't take away any of the sadness on his face.

"Did you beat him up inside the church?"

Ryder shook his head, "No. She told me I couldn't do it inside, so I took him outside. I ain't got a clue why she's so darn upset."

"I ate lunch with Susie while you were gone after Sheriff Atkinson ran you off. You should go to her and figure out why she's so upset. If I had to guess I'd say she's making excuses to put distance between you and her because she feels like she's not good enough for you and doesn't want to get hurt."

Ryder's eyes widened, "That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard!"

"You shouldn't call her ridiculous. It won't help her mood," Kaitlyn warned, "Go to her. Tell her how much you care about her and let her know that you will work harder in the future to not use your fists to prove your point."

"You think it'll work?" he asked.

"Do you love her?" Kaitlyn replied.

Ryder nodded enthusiastically, "With all my heart," he vowed as crossed his heart.

"Then it'll work."

Ryder grinned, looking more like his old self and less like a whipped puppy. He tossed some money up on the bar to pay for his drinks and jumped to his feet, "I'll let ya know how it goes!"

Kaitlyn grabbed his arm before he could leave, "Where's that brother of yours? I've seen him around town with you but he never has come in here."

"He's getting married," Ryder replied. "To Liza."

Kaitlyn let go of his arm and slumped against the bar, "Seems all the good ones are getting married these days."

She finished off Ryder's beer as she watched him race out the door.

***

Ryder tied his horse to a tree outside of the ranch and went the rest of the way on foot. The moonlight was bright enough that he could see his way easily enough. It was past one in the morning and the ranch was silent and sleeping.

It wasn't until Ryder was standing in the shadows beside the house that he realized the door would be locked and he had no idea which window was Susie's. He did know that Jacob's room was upstairs so any downstairs window should be safe. Impulsive.. that's what Ty always called him and he had to agree that he probably was as he headed toward the back of the house and picked a window. Only someone fearless and impulsive would go jumping through windows in the middle of the night, when he didn't know what was waiting on the other side.

The curtains were drawn on the window he picked out and he quickly threw them open and slipped into the room. A feminine squeak and a very familiar angry male growl came from the bed. Ryder peered through the low lamplight and his eyes widened when he saw his brother and Liza wrapped around each other beneath the thin bed sheets.

"What in the holy hell are you doing?!" Ty demanded in an angry whisper.

Ryder grinned sheepishly, "Looking for Susie."

Liza was blushing fiercely and hiding her nudity behind Ty the best she could, "Two windows down," she squeaked quietly.

Ryder nodded and Ty glared at the big smile on his younger brother's face, "Thank you, ma'am," Ryder said brightly, "I'm proud of you, brother. I figured you was getting too old for slipping in windows."

"Ryder, brother or not, if you don't get the hell out of here I'll shoot you in the face," Ty growled.

Ryder's smile grew bigger, "That might be hard to do considering that your gun belt is hanging from the hat rack," he noted, nodding toward the rack in the opposite corner of the room, "And it might raise questions when everyone comes running in here considering that your trousers are hanging from the doorknob."

"Get the hell out of here!" Ty exclaimed as he started to rise from the bed.

Ryder heard Liza giggle and he held his hands up, "Whoa, Ty... Stay covered up there, brother. I ain't got no urge to see what makes that pretty girl giggle. I'll be on my way." Ryder slipped back out the window and then poked his head back in, interrupting a very heated kiss between his brother and Liza, "Have fun you two."

He grinned and closed the window just in time to dodge the pillow aimed at his head. Ryder walked two windows down and felt a strange sensation in the pit of his stomach that he had never felt before. It was unpleasant and he didn't like it one bit. Was he getting sick?

He thought about Susie. What if she didn't want to see him? What if he really had blown it? What if he lost her forever? He couldn't lose her... That would destroy him. He suddenly realized what that feeling in his stomach was.....

Fear. Ryder Hampton was scared. Scared very nearly to death as a matter of fact. He had finally found the one thing he was afraid of and that was losing Susie. He wiped his sweaty palms on his denims to try to center his mind and focus and then he tapped lightly on the window.

It was only seconds that he waited but it felt like much longer before the corner of the white curtain was pulled aside and Susie's blue eyes peeked out at him. He smiled and gave a nervous little wave. Her eyes widened and then the curtain fell closed. Ryder stood there, rocking back on his heels and wondering if he should knock again when the curtains were pushed aside and the window was thrown open.

"What are you doing here?" Susie demanded quietly as she stepped away from the window and allowed him to climb in.

She pulled her robe tighter around herself and Ryder's jaw went slack as he took in the sight of her. He had never seen anyone look more like an angel. Her bright white robe and nightdress seemed to glow against the dim lantern light. Her long golden hair was tumbling across her shoulders and down her back in the brightest and shiniest waves he had ever seen. Her cheeks were flushed and the lantern light was glowing in her blue eyes, creating flames in them that danced wildly and captivated him.

"What are you doing here, Ryder?" she asked again, "I can't have men sneaking in through my bedroom window. It's hardly proper."

Ryder loved the way she said things that she liked and secretly wanted weren't proper. He could tell by the smile she was currently fighting back that she was happy to see him. It gave him hope that he hadn't completely messed things up with her even though he still didn't understand exactly what he'd done wrong.

"I didn't sneak," he countered with a grin, "You let me in."

Susie took one look at those dimples and the way his golden brown eyes were glowing in the lantern light and knew that she was lost, "I missed you today," she admitted softly as she moved away from him and stood awkwardly beside the bed with her arms crossed over her chest.

Ryder ran his hand through his hair and smiled as he felt his heart fill damn near to bursting with love for this woman. Was it possible to die from loving someone too much? If so then that was the way he wanted to go. With his heart so full of love for Susie Atkinson that it just burst apart in his chest.

"I missed you too, Susie. Just the same as the moon misses the sun and the dark misses the light."

Susie smiled and a tear rolled down her cheek. What he said made no sense. You couldn't miss something you had no knowledge about. The sun couldn't miss the moon and the light could never miss the dark, but he said the words with so much conviction and certainty that she wanted to believe them.

"About earlier..." she began and she stopped talking when he walked to her. He stopped mere inches away and brushed away her tear with his thumb.

"Earlier....." he repeated, trying to remember what he was supposed to say. He stood up straighter and gave her his best serious face. He cleared his throat and squared his broad shoulders, "I won't apologize for doing what I did to Garth. He deserved it. Not only did he call you a whore but he disrupted your church, made you cry and just genuinely pissed me off, which is surprising considering I don't have any temper to speak of."

"Ryder..." Susie started but he placed his finger on her soft lips to silence her.

"But.." he continued as he began rubbing his finger back and forth across the tender, supple flesh of her bottom lip. Ryder saw her eyes darken and her cheeks flush. He fought the urge to kiss her with everything he had to give. He began bending and then straightening his left leg to focus on something other than his own burning desire, "I swear to you that from now on I will be more careful to honor and respect your wishes and look for other ways to get my point across without bloodying lips and busting my knuckles."

Susie stared at him and couldn't believe how lucky she was. Here was an amazing man. He was kind, warm, loving and yet strong and able to protect and defend her at the same time. He loved her. That was as plain as day to her. No man could fake that look in his eyes. But she couldn't convince herself that she was enough for him. How could a woman like her possibly hope to satisfy a man like Ryder forever?

"I'm not angry with you, Ryder. I'm actually sorry that I acted the way I did," Susie admitted, "I just had thought that you were a warm and caring soul and I had never realized that there was more to you."

"I told you that I would take care of what was mine," he reminded her as he dropped his hand to his side. A frown curved his lips, "What I saw on your face was worse than anger though, Susie. When you looked at me this morning I saw disappointment in your eyes. I disappoint everyone. My ma, my pa, Ty... I never wanted to disappoint you."

"You didn't disappoint me," she promised him as she felt her heart break at the sight of the vulnerability on his face, "You surprised me, that was all, and I'm afraid I didn't handle it very well."

"Not well at all," Ryder agreed and then he smiled when he saw her temper flash in her blue eyes, "But I love you still. I love you like all little children love candy. Or like dogs love cats."

Susie raised her brow and frowned, "Dogs hate cats."

Ryder tilted his head, "Says who?"

Susie just shook her head and sighed, "I have no idea exactly...."

"Do you love me, Susie?" Ryder asked suddenly.

Susie felt her heart begin to race in her chest, "I want to, Ryder, I really do," she replied desperately.

Ryder frowned with confusion and laid his hand on her cheek, "What's holding you back, honey?" he asked gently.

"I'm afraid," Susie admitted. Her heart was aching to let him chase away her fears. If anyone could do it she knew it would be him.

"Afraid of what?"

"Of being hurt. Of letting you down. Of not being enough or of not being good enough." Susie shivered; saying her fears aloud like that simply made them seem even more real.

Ryder shook his head and clicked his tongue, "Susie, Susie, Susie." He wrapped his arms tight around her and pulled her head into his chest. He smoothed his hand over her soft layers of golden hair and laid his cheek against the top of her head, "I can't promise you that you'll never be hurt in your life but I can promise you right now, for a fact, that you'll never be hurt by me. I might let you down from time to time because I ain't even close to bein' perfect but I'm a work in progress who will do everything he can to keep you happy. And there will never be a day for as long as I live that you will make me anything less than happy. I know you're scared, Susie, but take a chance on me, honey. Please? I promise you won't regret it."

Susie pulled her head away from his chest so she could look up at his face. The things he said still amazed her. She had no idea there were men who could say such loving words. "I love you, Ryder," she whispered and the smile that her words put on his face did away with any doubts she might have.

Ryder wasted no time before pressing his lips to hers. The kiss was long, sweet and tender and it made Susie feel as if her bare feet were floating right off the floor. She melted against him, looping her arms around his neck as he ran his hands down her back and to her bottom, pulling her tighter against him. His desire for her pressed against her stomach and she gasped with shock and pulled out of his grasp.

Ryder was confused at first and then he saw the way she was blushing and looking at his pants below his waist and he smiled, "See what you do to me, Susie? How could you, for one second, think that you wouldn't be enough for me?"

Susie forced herself to look up at his face. The lantern light cast his features in shadows and his eyes were lit with passion, "I did that?" she whispered. For all that she had seen of love, she was still innocent when it came to what went on behind closed doors.

Ryder smiled tenderly, "Yep."

Susie moved back into his waiting arms. Their lips found each other again and this time the kiss was hungry, possessive and passionate. Susie wanted more. She wanted to give all of herself to Ryder. She wanted to love him with her body as well as her heart. She raised her hands to the buttons of his shirt and began to undo them and was surprised when Ryder grabbed her hands and pulled away from her.

He took a step back and released her hands as he shook his head, "No," he stated, his voice gruff with passion and restraint.

Susie frowned and felt her aching and fire filled body protesting his distance, "Why?" she asked, realizing that she was whining but not caring enough to stop.

"Because. I love you, Susie Atkinson. I really love you. But if I make love to you without first marrying you first you'll doubt me in the morning. You'll wonder if I said pretty words just to get in your skirts."

Susie wanted to argue and tell him that he was wrong but she knew he was right. Despite the passion that he stirred in her and the way her body craved him, she knew that if they gave in to these passions she would be nagged with doubts come morning light.

"Are you saying you want to marry me?" she gasped with disbelief. Ryder nodded and felt that tingling fear enter his stomach once again. Dammit but this being afraid thing was for the birds and he didn't like it, not one bit!

"I am in love with you, Susie. The least you could do is make an honest man of me and become my wife."

Susie let out a happy laugh and jumped into his outstretched arms, "Yes, Ryder. Yes, I'll marry you."

"Thank God cuz if you said no I probably would have dropped dead right here on your floor. Imagine the questions that would of raised in the morning."

Susie laughed again. Life with Ryder would certainly never be dull. Then she remembered that they were alone in her room with her brother and sister in law sleeping just upstairs and Liza just two rooms down.

"You should probably go, Ryder," she whispered, though she hated those words. She didn't want him to go. She wanted him to stay with her always.

Ryder shifted his feet and scratched at his head, before rubbing his palms up and down on his thighs. Susie recognized the nervous gesture and laid her hand on his smooth, dimpled cheek, "What's wrong?" she asked softly.

He gave a half smile and shrugged, "I wanna do something with you that I've never done with any other woman."

Susie frowned, "I'm sure you've done just about everything there is to do with quite a few women," she countered with just a touch of the jealousy she was feeling in her voice.

Ryder grinned, "Well yeah, I've done all of that." he admitted and he saw hurt in her eyes, "Dammit, there I've gone and done it again!" he exclaimed and he turned his back to her and began picking at the yellow lace cloth that was sitting on her sewing table.

Susie took a deep breath and walked to him. She laid her hand on his shoulder and he turned quickly, "I'm foolish, Susie, and I'm sorry. I say things without thinking and I ruin perfect moments because I never know when to keep my big, dumb, mouth shut!" he exclaimed, feeling completely annoyed and angry with himself.

Susie shook her head and graced him with a warm smile. She put her hand back on his cheek to soothe the hurt she saw there as he gazed back down into her eyes, "I love your honesty," she assured him, "And I do not think you're dumb or foolish. Now what was it you wanted to do with me that you've never done with any other woman."

Ryder reached out and buried one hand in her hair, loving the way the silken strands fell across his fingers, "I want to hold you while I sleep. I want to wrap my arms around you, bury my face in your hair, curl my body against you and simply breathe you in all night. I want to see what you look like with the sunrise streaming through the window and across your face." Susie felt her heart fill with love. This man was something else. Nothing he said ever seemed to be rehearsed or fake. Everything was said with so much innocent honesty and truth that she could do nothing except believe him, "I would like that, Ryder."

He undid his gun belt and slipped off his boots as she pulled off her robe. She was self conscious about him seeing her in such little clothing. Not only because she'd never been so undressed around a man who wasn't her brother but also because she wasn't built like the women he was used to seeing in the saloons.

Then she looked into his honey colored eyes and the love, lust and passion that she in his gaze was enough to do away with any of her own foolish uncertainties.

Susie blew out the light and climbed into the bed. Ryder slid in behind her. He wrapped his arm around her waist and pressed his groin against her backside. He buried his face in her hair and breathed in her scent. Even now she smelled of wildflowers.

Susie felt a strong sensation of peace come over her as she lay in the darkness, wrapped in the safety of the iron strength of Ryder arms.

He kissed her hair and then pressed his lips against her ear, "Goodnight, my angel," he whispered.

Susie felt herself tremble as his breath washed across her skin and she snuggled deeper into his arms, "Goodnight my, hellion." she replied and she felt his lips curve into a smile against her skin.