I was lying on the ground in Cam's living room, sobbing uncontrollably for no reason whatsoever.

Literally bawling like a fucking baby, curled tightly in the fetal position.

Every day for the last week, I routinely opened the front door after Cameron went to work to see Nathan watching me from the street. He would smile, wave, and then start messaging me from the second Cameron disappeared around the corner to go to work until the second he got home.

He would leave pills and baggies of a fine white powdery substance that he wanted to try to get me to take on the front doorstep. I managed to make it through the first two days without giving in. Then, on the third day, he started threatening to send the pictures of me taking the pills from him Halloween night to Cameron if I didn't start doing what he wanted. After the first round I took, my body was already starting to crave the little presents he would leave on my doorstep. I was scared of him but growing more and more anxious to see what he left me.

I knew I had lost my sobriety the second he forced the pills on me in the field.

Fighting against my impulses daily was too overwhelming to cope with. My body and mind were slowly melting the longer the days dragged on.

As they say, once an addict, always an addict.

I never left the house anymore and I even stopped answering the phone at all unless it was my parents. Even then, I cut their calls short so they wouldn't know what I was doing when no one was around. I had to keep up the ruse that I was doing well for them so they wouldn't get involved.

Everyone was starting to suspect something was wrong with me again.

Cameron had been extremely patient with my odd behavior, but even his patience had limits. I avoided him when he got home every night so he wouldn't see the betrayal in my eyes. I wouldn't even let him touch me when we were in the same room and pretended I was asleep when he would try to snuggle up to me. He had been watching me a lot closer since the night in the field.

"What's wrong, darling?" Cameron asked when he came into the living room.

"I don't know. I just can't stop crying." I howled.

"Jessa, we need to go to the doctor." Cameron started in on me.

"Tomorrow, please," I begged.

"Fine, first thing in the morning and you're not going to talk your way out of it this time." Cameron gave in.

I was so strung out that I had no idea what I was even doing anymore. My head was a mess and every solution I could think of would only cause me more pain and heartache.

Racing. Racing. Racing.

My mind was always fucking moving. It was on a track going around and around again in circles.

I was wrong. I was bad. Bad and wrong. Wrong and bad.

I wanted to tell Cameron so he could help me.

I wanted to keep lying to Cameron so Nathan couldn't hurt him.

I wanted all the answers, but I was afraid to ask the questions.

I wanted to run away again.

I wanted to stay and keep taking the pills.

I wanted to be sober again.

I wanted to tell my parents.

I wanted to go back home to LA and go out on tour again.

I wanted to stay in Ohio with Cameron.

I wanted to hurt myself and make it go away.

I wanted to make myself feel good again by taking more.

I didn't want to feel like this anymore.

I had to find some way to get this to stop.

I guess I wasn't crying for no reason after all. My life was a mess.

"Ok, Cameron. But I promise I will be better by then so we probably won't have to go. I'm just having a moment today." I pushed myself up from the floor and started wiping the tears away with my sleeve. I smiled back at him. My eyes were unfocused and blurry; I could barely even see him through the thick tears.

"Jessa, stop lying to me. I don't like it when you lie to me. We both know you have been getting worse since Halloween." Cameron leaned down to swipe my hair back from my face. "What is going on with you? You can always tell me, darling. You are acting differently. Is there something I need to know?"

"No, Cami," I answered.

"Jessa, I think you might be...."

My phone buzzed and I looked down, ignoring him. I picked it up and saw a text from the number that I labeled Jackson three days ago. It really wasn't my brother; it was Nathan's number. I had switched it from unknown because Nate had decided to grow bolder and started texting me when Cameron was around. I felt like this was the only way I could keep my secrets safe.

Nathan: Meet me in twenty minutes or I send Cameron the pictures. Lakeside Motel, room 115.

I knew exactly where he was. We had been there together before when we went on a few binges before he had his own place. Even if I left now, I'm not sure if I would have gotten there in time.

"Who is that?" Cameron asked, trying to look over my shoulder at the screen.

"It's my brother. I am going to go meet up with him." I said, shoving the phone back in my pocket.

"Isn't Jax in the dorm right now? That's like two hours away from here." Cameron questioned.

"Yes, but he called me earlier saying he needed help and I told him I would come up there if he wanted me to." I blurted out.

"So, you are leaving at ten o'clock on a Wednesday night to drive there? What does he need help with, Jessa?" Cameron began digging for more information.

"He needs money." I bit my tongue. That was a stupid answer.

"You aren't going anywhere," Cameron commanded. "You are not doing well right now. Something is wrong with you. Just call Jax and tell him you'll transfer it to him. If you can't, then I can transfer it from my account right now. Just tell me how much he needs."

"No, he needs me. I have to go." I stood up and grabbed my things and tried to rush towards the door before Cameron could stop me.

He stood in front of the door to block me from leaving. He placed his hands on my arms to stop me from moving forward.

"Fine, if you want to go, I will drive you. It's getting late and it's pouring rain. It is supposed to turn to ice later. I don't want you out in this on your own. It's not safe." Cameron started.

"I'll be fine," I argued.

"Jessa, you are not leaving this house tonight without me." Cameron pulled out his cop voice and dug his heels in, blocking my way.

"I can do what I want. I am an adult. You have no say in what I do or where I go." I fought back against him. Cameron needed to drop this. I had to go now before Nate sent him those pictures.

"We are in a relationship. I have every right to know what you are doing." He snapped.

"What fucking relationship Cameron? As far as I can tell, I just sleep over at your house so you can stick your dick in me. We both know how this will end, I am going to leave town again and you are going to stay behind. That is how this works, Cameron. You and I aren't allowed to be happy." I screamed at him.

I was displacing my terrified anger out on him and spewing out the insecure thoughts I had been obsessively thinking about while I was high on the pills Nathan was having me take.

"Oh really? Is that how you feel about us?" He snapped harshly. He wasn't buying anything I was selling, but I didn't have time to argue with him further about it. Nathan gave me twenty minutes and every precious second that passed was one less I had to get there.

"It is. Now move." I bit back.

"Go sit down." He barked out and pointed to the couch.

I spun around and stomped back over to it. Cameron walked in stride behind me, not giving me any space to breathe. He grabbed his phone off the coffee table and pressed it to his ear.

"Hey, Mr. Miller. I'm sorry to call you so late." He tried to sound calm, but I could tell he was still fuming inside. "Can you and Mrs. Miller meet me at the hospital? I'm getting ready to take Jessa there now. She's not doing well."

I narrowed my eyes at him as he paused to listen to my dad on the other end.

"Down, I think anyway. I'm not exactly sure. It is a mix between the two. She's all over the place and trying to tell me she is going to go drive to see Jax tonight." He answered whatever my dad had asked him.

There was a long pause.

"Yeah, I know it sounds like she is manic, but she has been crying on and off all night. She doesn't normally cry when she is up. It is usually quite the opposite." Cameron informed him. He began walking to the back of the house to get his keys and wallet from the bedroom.

I spun around and took off towards the sliding glass doors at the back of the house. If I was going to get out, this was my chance. Cameron was still on the phone in the back, explaining what was going on to my dad. I grabbed the keys to my rental car and slowly crawled across the floor on my hands and knees just in case he could see me. I kept my eye on the hallway as I slid the door open to leave. I cringed when I got outside and slammed the door a little too hard. Fortunately for me, Cameron must have still been in the room on his phone when it happened or he would have already been tackling me from behind.

I raced down the deck steps and threw open the gate to get to my car.

I was going to go to Nathan tonight. It wasn't because he wanted me to or because of the drugs I knew he would give me. The only reason I was going was because I was done letting him walk all over me.

This game had gone on long enough.