ROSE

The piano keys were smooth against the pads of my fingers. I glided over them with ease, creating a perfect melody. My eyes were closed, picturing the music in my head as I played Surrender by Natalie Taylor. I sang the lyrics along with the tune, smiling to myself as I hit every key perfectly. Music did help me focus. It was probably the only thing I could invest my interest into for long periods of time these past few days. Sean didn't mind that. We had been staying over at his parents' home just so I could use the music room.

Just so we could use the music room.

Right now, he was sat in a chair next to me playing the guitar along with me. He never left my side and mostly agreed to anything I wanted to do. Not everything, just some things that he thought would be good for me. We went on a lot of walks, he made sure I ate, he played music with me every day, even laughed with me. When I wanted to repaint his room at the apartment a bright red, he let me do it. He even joined in.

Just having him with me made me feel better. Sean didn't treat me like something breakable or fragile. I knew, deep down, he was worried and scared that something might happen to me but he treated me the same and I appreciated that. It had been two weeks since the night of the race and I felt better. My mind was still a frazzle of thoughts and everything still felt like a shimmering reflective shield surrounded it, just waiting for me to unwrap and explore the world but I was calmer.

I willingly went to see my therapist. She had changed my cocktail of medications to suit my needs and they helped as much as they could. Sean came with me to every meeting, waiting for me until I was done. He was being supportive and I appreciated that.

But it left me wondering...

He would have his own responsibilities when older — a job, a life, he would need time for himself. I couldn't be baggage to him. Not like I was to his twin brother all these years. Sean and I would never make it together. I couldn't expect him to put his life on hold every time I had an episode. My therapist had tried convincing me that it was his choice to make — whether he wanted to be here for me or not was completely up to him and if he did then I had to learn to accept it. I had to embrace it. But I felt as if I were stealing something from him that he deserved to have. 

The song drew to a close and I let my eyes flutter open. My heart lurched when I found Sean staring at me with those dark orbs. A faint smile played on his soft lips. He was the reason I was getting through this. He made sure I relieved my excess energy in healthy ways so I wouldn't hurt myself or someone else. He made sure my hunger was fed or that I managed to get even three hours of sleep in.

My stomach tightened at the thought. I didn't deserve him. Or Dean. I didn't even deserve to have people like Dylan and Lacy in my life. Worry lines creased along Sean's forehead, brows furrowing as he took in my facial expression.

"What's the sour face for, princess?" He quizzed with a smirk kicking up the corner of his lips, "I thought we sounded pretty good. We make a good team."

We did make a good team. The problem was, all good things came with an expiration date.

"I'm sorry," I murmured, unable to look at him. My gaze was cast onto the music sheet placed on the piano in front of me, "For being so difficult to handle."

He placed his guitar down, leaning it against the chair. Sitting on the small bench beside me, he said, "Never apologize for being who you are. Especially if you can't change it. You're not difficult to handle."

"I am," I spoke my words with conviction. Sometimes, I was tired of myself. Tired of the life I found myself living. I woke up on rare days wondering what my reason for existing on this Earth was, "There was more than one occasion I said things to you I didn't mean and compared you to your brother. I should have never done that."

"Rose," he whispered my name in that baritone way he always did, "you didn't mean half of that shit. I know that. I'm just happy you're going to be okay."

He was being too understanding. On multiple occasions, I cussed him out. I told him that he was exactly like his brother in the worst ways possible just because he didn't give me what I wanted. There were times my brain overloaded to the point I suffered from a short-circuit. I would wake up missing laps of time, just having one black hole in my reel of memories.

I licked my lips, chancing a look at him, "I don't think we're going to work out."

Sean's jaw clenched, then loosened, "And why's that, princess?"

"Are you going to put your life on hold every time something happens to me?" I reasoned, "I can't expect you to do something like that for me. You deserve to live your life."

He shook his head, dark orbs softening as he understood where my argument was coming from, "I'll be there for you as long as you want me to. As long as you need me to."

"But—"

"Don't put an end to something before it even starts," his voice cracked at the end and I felt my heart crack in return. Except, it felt like I felt the pain on a deeper level. He tucked my dirty blonde hair behind my ear. Sean had been working on his gentle touches and he definitely progressed, "If I wanted to stop the world from spinning on its axis for you, would you stop me?"

I glared at him incredulously, "Of course I would. I don't deserve anything of the sort."

He shook his head again, gripping my chin between his thumb and index finger to hold me in place, "That's where you're wrong. You deserve anything and everything someone could possibly give you in this fucked up world and more. And I want to be that someone who fucking gives it to you."

I sniffled, searching his face for any sign of a lie. Every part of me desperately wanted to believe me. Eventually, all I could see was a blurry image of him through glassy eyes, "I haven't been home in a while," I muttered, aware that I was changing the subject, "I think I want to go home. I think I can face them now."

"You don't want to go for a walk first?" He grimaced, unsure what to make of the sudden change of topic.

"No, I don't want to walk," I tried smiling but couldn't pull it off the way I did the past few days.

"Fuck the walk then," I could see concern flooding his features but he quickly covered it up with a bright smile, "let's go." Sean stood and held his hand out to me expectantly.

Reluctantly, I accepted his hand — its large size encased my small hand and my skin hastily soaked in the warmth he offered. He led us out of the music room, through the halls of the house until we reached the massive staircase. Sean scooped me up in his tattooed arms, his taut muscles pressing into me as he bounded down the stairs.

A giggle escaped me. He did make me uncontrollably happy, "I have legs, Black," I taunted, swinging my legs for emphasis, "and I'm pretty sure I know how to operate them when walking down stairs."

"You don't say," he quipped, amusement thick in his words, "I must not have noticed those long legs. Maybe you can show them to me sometime, let me explore them a little." He proceeded to wink at me cheekily which had my pale skin flaring pink.

"You're a perv," I grumbled under my breath, swatting him over the head.

He sat me down once we reached the front door, "You say that as if you don't secretly love it," leaning in, he pecked my cheek and then opened the door to usher me out.

His car was parked outside waiting for us. He always parked it there in case I had any spur-of-the-moment ideas and wanted to go somewhere. In his eyes, it was safer if he came with me instead of telling me no because he knew I would escape and he wouldn't be able to find him. He never wanted me out of his sight.

It was the one thing he was better at than Dean. I always found a way to escape Dean but Sean was like Fort Knox when it came to making sure he knew exactly where I was.

"You're sure about this?" Sean asked when we were both settled into our seats. He clicked on his seat belt and started the ignition, "The whole reason I kept you away was be—"

"I know, but I think I'm ready. Don't you? Have I not been doing better? I don't have as much energy and I'm getting more sleep. Everything is starting to fall into that routine I set myself into before."

Using the tip of his tongue, he pulled the corner of his bottom lip between his teeth. I couldn't help but shamelessly gawk at the action. He was deep in thought and I couldn't help but think of how hot that one action was. I also wished to be the one nibbling on that bottom lip.

Shit. No. Bad idea right now.

"Message Dylan to give them a heads up. It's the least we can do instead of just pitching up there. I know it's your home but... Fuck." He scrubbed a hand down his face with a hiss.

"I get it," I responded, putting him out of his misery, "I'll send Dylan a message."

~~~

"You better have taken good care of her," Dylan growled in warning, hugging me into his body tighter. He was so protective it had my heart bursting at the seams. I would never need a blood brother. All I needed was him.

"Relax, he took good care of me," my voice was muffled into his chest and I felt his body still.

Another growl rumbled in his chest and then he pushed me behind him in that protective, brotherly way before pointing a finger in Sean's face, "You better not have taken too good care of her."

Sean looked completely and utterly bored, plunging his fists into his jeans pockets, "She's a big girl," he responded with a nonchalant shrug, "and I've clearly brought her home in one piece. Have a little more faith in me."

Dylan let out an exasperated sigh, patting Sean approvingly on his shoulder, "Thank you. The kids have been asking for the two of you and Lacy isn't exactly happy they you two are...whatever the hell you two are."

I felt my heart deflate at those words. Dean had phoned a few times and face timed me on multiple occasions to check up on me. He was doing his duty as my best friend. But, in a way, it felt as if I were still leading him on and giving him hope for something. Maybe if we acted on our feelings earlier, I wouldn't have been saddled with this guilt, but then, I knew Sean was the only person who would understand me. He never needed to hear the words out of my mouth to know exactly what I wanted.

"She wanted to speak to me about it. We never got the chance," Sean voiced, pulling me out of my thoughts, "Not like I have much to say on the fucking topic."

"Language," I warned him, leveling him with a glare.

"If this house had a swear jar they would bleed me dry," Sean scoffed, rolling his deep brown eyes. With the way the light reflected off his irises, you could see their almost dark chocolate color.

"You and me both," Dylan snorted, gesturing for us to follow him into the sitting room.

The triplets sat on the floor, glued to the t.v. screen like three little zombies. Lacy was curled on the couch, laptop on her lap as she vigorously typed. I watched Dylan make his way to her, placing a lingering kiss onto her temple. She blushed, lips splitting into a wide grin.

"Lydia, Lance, and Damien, what have I told you about sitting so close to the t.v. screen. The screen is going to swallow you one day. Mark my words," Dylan chastised in his fatherly voice.

I wanted to have at least one child just so I could know this type of love but I knew the risks. The chances of my child inheriting my disorder were high. I would never want to saddle someone else with this curse. So, in the end, I didn't want to have a child because not having a child would be equivalent to saving an innocent life.

"We're seven, dad, not stupid," Lance deadpanned, not peeling his eyes off the screen.

"Yeah, we know the t.v. doesn't eat children," Damien agreed with a slow nod. Just like his brother, he didn't take his eyes off the screen.

"Sorry daddy," Lia murmured, edging back a little and throwing him a smile over her shoulder.

"I hope you kids like being blind as fuck then," Dylan grumbled which earned him a death glare from Lacy, "What, it's true."

Lacy rolled her eyes that were so similar to Sean's. She beckoned me over, closing her laptop and resting it on the coffee table, "I've missed you," she beamed, tugging down to sit beside her, "you look..." Her perceptive eyes searched my face and a frown weighed the corners of her lips down, "have you been crying?"

"Has she been crying?" Dylan snarled, his attention falling on Sean.

The triplets had now shifted their attention to their uncle and father. I could cut the tension building up between them with a knife. It was a little offensive that Dylan reacted in such a manner. If it had been Dean standing there I doubted that would have been his reaction.

Sean didn't seem fazed though. I wished he would show a shred of how he felt in this moment but that wasn't like him. He showed a blank face to the world even though he was squishy and soft on the inside. Sean Black was a major softie. Even more so than his brother at times. But he learned not to wear his emotions on his face and it was a skill he was going to probably utilize until his last breath.

"Why were you crying?" Lacy asked me gently, taking my hand in hers. With her thumb, she traced small circles over the back of my hand.

"It's not what you think," I quickly said, feeling the burn of tears prick my eyes once again, "I just feel really bad for everything I put Sean through these last few days."

"You're home now and you'll be just fine," Dylan cooed, gently squeezing my shoulder.

Lia shuffled to her tiny feet, padding her way to me. She smiled brightly, holding that Baby Bop toy in her hand. Without a single word, she crawled onto my lap and hugged me, "You left me alone with them but I forgive you."

"Them?"

"My stupid brothers, duh!" She facepalmed herself in the most adorable manner. Everyone in the room couldn't help but chuckle — bar the two boys.

"We're not stupid," Damien huffed.

"Yes, you are. You go to Jupiter to get more stupider," Lia stuck her tongue out at him, making an 'L' with her thumb and forefinger and placing it on her forehead.

"Quit fighting," Sean chided, making his way to the boys and ruffling their hair, "Having triplets must be really fun."

"All sunshine and rainbows here," Dylan quipped with a tight smile, "you're staying the night?" He shifted his attention onto me.

I had been staying with Sean either at his apartment or at his parents' place. Miguel had picked up some clothes for me so I had everything I needed at their apartment. It wasn't as if Miguel spent much time at the apartment anyway. For once there weren't any loud parties or anything. He had been doing extra runs to keep himself busy. That pissed Sean off but he didn't have much to say about it. I knew he wanted to help Miguel but he didn't know how and he didn't want to land himself in a dangerous situation.

Sean's gaze locked with mine. If I did stay, it would be the first time in days that I slept alone; slept without him by my side, holding me, making sure I had everything I needed. Not once did he allow me to feel alone or different. And I may have gotten used to him being around so often. But now I needed space.

I prised my gaze from Sean, casting it downward, "Yeah, I'm staying." I could feel Sean's hard glare on me, making me wince.

"You don't have to sleep with Lydia, you can take the guest bedroom. Sean can stay too," Lacy murmured, pulling Lydia out of my arms, "and you three need to get to wash up and get to bed."

"No, I should get going," Sean sounded detached but I couldn't bring myself to look at him, "I have things to do tonight. I'll be back in the morning to check up on you, princess."

A sound of acknowledgment vibrated in my throat.

He said his goodbyes, making his way to me and placing a lingering kiss on my temple, "Call me if you need anything, or if you just want me here." His voice was a mere whisper, eliciting a shiver down my spine.

When he left, my heartfelt a little heavier than before. He told me not to end something before it barely started. The way I looked at it, it would be better to end it now before finding out down the line things wouldn't work out. And it was my fault. All of this was my fault and it was time I gave the people in my life the freedom they needed. They shouldn't have to be burdened with me and they never will be.

I'm inclined to issue a warning for the next chapter. One: If you suffer from any sort of depression find healthy ways to relieve it. You need to rest, you need to do things that remind you of the reasons you love life. And you need to seek help if its severe.

If you find content on depression and suicide triggering then I suggest you skim through the chapters or skip them entirely. This is a SPOILER and I do have a warning at the beginning of the book but I thought I'd add another for good measure. As someone who has been through this, please do not JUDGE, LOOK DOWN ON, OR HATE someone who had made an attempt on taking their own life. DO NOT call the stupid or irresponsible. Try to understand where they are coming from. You don't know their problems. You don't know what they have to face. Try to help them as much as you can. Talk to them because majority of the time, no one bothers listening. The fact is, when someone commits suicide everyone says they never saw the signs. NO. YOU IGNORED THE SIGNS. Its time you stopped doing that!

TILL NEXT CHAPTER. WHICH IS ON SATURDAY, I PROMISE!