Chapter One
I really don't mean to think about him everytime I breathe. Its not gay wanting to kiss him, it just means we're close.
I taste my mouth, it's sour, like those lemons growing behind the church. As I touch my inner cheek with my tongue, I wished the raindrop colored eyes across the lunchroom table; would hold me in its black pearl.
When I'm glanced at by those special orbs, I gain sudden interest in the old English words infront of my eyeholes. My mouth releases my disappointment when I couldn't feel his eyes on me.
It's for the best, this feeling isn't real anyway; even if it was, I wouldn't allow myself to fall for this fiery man. Even if those lips seem softer than this fuzzy jacket.
All this preparation for Thursday would be wasted if I were to give him a friendly handshake; with our mouths. Another sigh.
"Mike, why the fucking sighs?" I take a sneaky peak from my book, then point foolishly at myself.
"Yes you, shit head" Joshua harshly words
"uh...well...i uhm - " is he still eyeing me...?
" - I'm kinda scared. " my fingers tussle with the pages. "I'm probably overthinking. Guess it's making me nervous?" I lower my head, then feel David's arm around me.
"Scared of what this time? Is Sebastian pulling your nuts again? " David questions,
He's catching handfuls of our conversation again. I push his arm off me, and rub above my elbow. I feel each muscle in my face scrunching at the imagery.
"No, hes not picking on me." I answer kid-like.
"Then. What the fuck is wrong?" Josh's eyes are on me again. i kinda tremble at the power behind them.
My eyes swish back and forth, then rest on my jeans.
"I'm just afraid" my confession slips from my lips again. "Just. h..hold my hand please, Joshy." This voice from inside me, its lowering.
"Fuck no. Are you out of you're damn mind?" I smile at the..nice rejection. "What is wrong with you? why are you acting like such a faggot today?" He leans across the table, just barely though. My hand is snatched by his.
His hand is so comforting to my shaky one.
"You're so stupid.." Joshua mumbles,
"...I guess I am" I chuckle, but soon the sigh returns. "I'm just nervous about Thursday."
"Whats on Thursday? Are we having barf spaghetti again?" I slightly smile at David's joke.
"um..no? -" i let Josh's hand go, standing to dump my lunch tray, " - see you guys tomorrow?" they nod in agreement as i fade away from the table.
its a wonder how no one hasn't guessed that Joshua Cliffington has capturevated me. I'm very terrible when it comes to protecting my secrets. if i were to hide a corpse, i'd be under my bedroom. Id snitch on myself because this bleeding heart cannot keep things internalized.
i'm also that ignorant giant that seems to be the bullying type, but surprisingly, i can't even hurt a fly. I'm not saying I let others beat me, even if I did, Joshua would beat them. Then possibly me for being such a moron.
Compared to me, he's a shortie. But he's tougher than me, built stronger too. I behave like a baby, a soft wus, while he is He-man. He even behaves as if he is too cool to stare at an explosion in some predictable movie. Even though hes a few feet below me, he behaves as if he could top anyone, even me.
I know better though, he comes off strong, but is more like a fluffy rabbit...with rabies. if he was a rabbit though, his fur would match his strange hair, reddish-brown. And the eyes would still be the only violet mirror I want to see myself in.
I snap my gaze to my Bible, and rub the creases in the front. Bunnies weren't meant to be dated by future preachers. The less gay thoughts i ponder, the easier my sins will be washed away by the holy waters of my church.
Thursday, I'm becoming this towns future priest. Also allowing myself to be saved from every homosexual daydream. Apart of me still wonders if I should just give up my righteous journey, and let that ginger hold my hand.
I do know that the universe owes Joshua every pair of eyes due to his outrages looks. Sometimes i feel my exsistance is owned by him. My breath, my very heart beat, all his. If he wants he can turn off my life when he doesn't want me anymore.
And yet I feel, if i just remember him by his expressions, the warmth in his body, and every wrongful comment his soft lips would will me to keep going. If I were a machine, he'd power me.
i taste my mouth once more. I hope this is the last time I'll taste this sour taste.
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