Colton

"Mike!" He turns as I say his name. "Have you seen Alexis?" I ask.

He frowns. "No, why?"

I bite my lip. "I haven't seen her since we got here." I shake my head. "It's probably fine. I just have a weird feeling, that's all."

"You want me to help you look for her?"

"No, it's okay," I sigh. "She'll kill me if I freak out about it."

"If you say so, but I'll keep an eye out for her," he replies, and I can't help but smile.

"Thanks, Mike."

"Sure thing," he says easily, and I turn to check the bus again.

I don't know why I'm so edgy. I just have a horrible feeling that says I need to find Lexi.

I step up into the bus and check the whole thing quickly. It's the benefit of such a small living space.

But there's still no Lexi. And, again, with such a small home, it's not like she could be hidden somewhere.

I exhale slowly, leaning forward over the sink.

I just need to chill. She's sixteen, not six.

I lean too far forward, knocking my coffee cup into the sink from where it's perched. The liquid that I didn't drink spills down the faucet. All the better it fell where it did, I guess. I sigh and pick it up, rinsing it out, adding a little soap, then rinsing again, before setting it in the drying rack.

And something on the counter, where my cup used to be, catches my eye.

A slip of paper, with a sentence in familiar handwriting. I breathe a sigh of relief. She probably went on an errand. Weird that she put it under my cup.

Dear Colton,

I'm so sorry. For everything. And thank you for everything, too. I love you all. Goodbye.

-Alexis

No. No, no... why?

A million thoughts flood my mind, and I feel panic threaten to overwhelm me.

Why would she do this? Goodbye? Does that mean...

She wouldn't just leave. And I know in my heart what that means.

I grab my phone and call her with shaking fingers.

Please pick up.

Two rings, before it snaps to voice mail. Did she reject my call?

I press her name again, holding the phone to my ear as I leave the bus and sprint to the Anthem Lights one.

I burst through the door as the ringing stops once again, and Joey looks up in confusion.

"Colton?" he asks. "Are you okay?"

"I... no," I stammer. "What happened with Lexi today?"

His face drains of all of its color.

"Why?"

I can barely choke out the answer. "She left this note, and now I can't find her anywhere."

I hand over the note, and see that my hand is still shaking.

Joey reads it, and his face falls.

The door opens behind me, and I turn to see Alan.

He can obviously tell by our faces that something is seriously wrong.

"Where's Lexi?" he asks urgently, and now I know something happened.

Joey hands him the note, and he stumbles back visibly, his face completely breaking.

"This is my fault," he whispers, and I hear tears behind his voice. "I should have told you right away. I should have..."

I cut him off, trying not to panic.

"Wait... tell me what? What happened?"

He takes a deep breath. "Look, Colton, I wanted to tell you right away, but I thought it was only fair to talk to Lexi first... she..." He takes another breath, looking me in the eye. "She's cutting again, Colt."

The words feel like a hard punch to my stomach.

"What?" It comes out a whisper. I can't help the tears that start sliding down my face. "Why... why didn't she come to me?"

He shakes his head slowly. "I don't know, Man. She's really struggling, but she was too scared to admit it. But that note sounded bad. We need to find her, now."

I nod slowly, numbly.

"What... what do I do?" I ask, begging my mind to work.

Alan places both hands on my shoulders, though I can feel him trembling as he does.

"You breathe, okay? She's gonna be alright. God's got her."

I obediently close my eyes, inhaling slowly before finally letting it out. I open them again after a long moment, swallowing hard and nodding to him.

"Thanks."

He gives me a tense smile, then gestures for me and Joey to follow him. "Let's go gather the others. She'll be walking, and we've only been here for about ten minutes, so she can't have gotten far."

I nod quickly, pulling out my phone and texting Joel, Luke, Mike, Moriah, Spencer, Caleb, and Chad.

I need you at my bus. It's important.

They're there shortly after we make it back.

Mike is first, running from his band's bus.

"Did you find her?" he asks urgently.

I shake my head miserably, handing him the note as I raise my phone to my ear, trying Lexi again.

His face breaks in pain as he sees the words there.

"Why?" he gasps, looking up at me again.

My eyes fill again at the reminder, and another rejection of my call. "She... she's not doing well... I guess she's cutting again, and... she just... was scared, so when Alan saw and pulled her aside about it, I guess she panicked."

Desperate to reach her, I text instead.

Lexi, baby, please come back. I love you.

Please believe me.

Everyone else arrives quickly, and I explain once more.

"It's my fault," I add more quietly as I finish. "I should've seen it. I was blind. And I obviously haven't been very good at showing her love if she thinks I was going to abandon her."

Alan shakes his head. "Colton, like I said, I should have come to you with her as soon as we got here. This is on me."

I open my mouth to argue, but Joel speaks first.

"Look, guys," he says, though there's tears shining in his eyes. "I know all of us here are going to blame ourselves. I have million reasons why it's all my fault, too. But right now, we all know Lexi is planning on hurting herself, and we need to focus on stopping her, alright?"

I bite my lip, nodding with everyone else.

"We have a few cars here," Joel continues, "So Moriah, Luke, Chad, Spencer, and I will go north, Colton, you take the others and go south, and we'll find her."

We all nod and separate to do what he says.

But I'm too scared to even know how to pray.

Jesus, just don't let her hurt herself. Please. I don't know what I would do without her.

Alexis

The sound of "Rise" coming from my phone has never been so terrifying. That's my ringtone for Colton. How does he know already?

I pull it out and reject the call, unable to take the song right now. I can't rise. I tried that. I failed at that. I just need to end.

The ringtone starts again, and I panic. I reject it again, my eyes locking onto the overpass, still a good way ahead of me. And the venue isn't too far behind. I need to get there before they come after me.

I quicken my pace, focusing my entire attention on the shape of it in a distance.

Five minutes pass in terrifying silence.

Maybe Alan told him and he doesn't care anymore.

As if in reaction to the thought, the song starts from my phone again. Again, I reject it.

I'm almost there.

It isn't long before my phone chimes with a text.

I know I shouldn't, but I look down at it anyway, and see Colton's name above the message.

Lexi, baby, please come back. I love you.

I bite back tears as I read the words. There's no way. Maybe he doesn't know yet.

I put the phone away without responding.

Just a little further.

Another text comes in, this one from Mike.

It's okay, lexi. We love you. Please, just don't do this.

More tears flash to my eyes, and I wipe them away desperately.

They just couldn't.

I'm here.

I step to the edge and pull myself up onto the guard rail. The traffic whizzes by, oblivious as to what I'm about to do. Or they just don't care.

I stare down to the ground, and I feel doubt rush over me.

Am I sure about this?

Of course I am. I'm too much of a failure to ever benefit the world anyway.

I pull my razor from my pocket, roll back my sleeve, and drive it deep into my arm, trying to get myself ready. Blood floods out, dripping off and onto my leggings, and I let it, mesmerized by the sight of my own blood and the feeling of such pain. I do it again.

I'm ready now. It's time for me to die.