Alexis

"It's for the kids."

"Oh, alright, but they better not laugh."

I sigh as the little conversation plays out for the millionth time tonight, and the song starts for the same.

If you like to talk to tomatoes,

If a squash can make you smile,

If you like to waltz with potatoes,

Up and down the produce isle...

Have we got a show for you.

And so on. I swear, the things children are entertained by.

"We're here to answer your questions."

"I don't think they could have answered my questions when I was five," I comment dully.

"Yeah?" Colton asks from next to me. "What were they?"

"Mostly revolving around why my parents would betray me like they did," I reply, trying to keep my tone light.

He uses the arm that he has wrapped around my shoulders to squeeze me gently. "That, I honestly don't know."

I just shrug, looking back at the show.

"The Grapes of Wrath". Fascinating.

We are the grapes of wrath,

We'll never take a bath...

Okay, that's disgusting.

They hit a bump in the road.

"How convenient," I say to no one in particular.

They just laugh. They've gotten used to my running commentary.

If that was the kind of insult I was getting when I was little, I would have been lucky.

"Hurtful words hurt people?" I ask in mock disbelief. "What a concept!"

They all laugh again, and Luke turns to me, grinning. "Aren't these lessons groundbreaking?"

"So groundbreaking," I sigh, shaking my head.

It's not long before I find another thing to mock. In a show called "Veggie Tales", it isn't hard.

"So, you only have to forgive people if they apologize and mean it?" I scoff. "Gee, well that lets me off the hook for, like, my entire past, because none of those peeps apologized."

"It's for children, Lexi," Caleb laughs.

"Yeah, but she has a point." Spencer wouldn't miss a chance to argue with him. "I mean, why don't you grow up learning to forgive everyone?"

"Well, I grew up not knowing the meaning of the word, so..." I shake my head slowly.

What would my life be like now if my parents had been the kind of people that went to church every Sunday and practiced what they preached and brought me up telling me Bible stories?

No betrayal at five, no learning to rely on Danny only to lose him. No razor in my arm, no anxiety every time anyone mentions food. No being taken advantage of again, and again.

But without my parents' issues, I also wouldn't have so many happy memories of when Danny was still alive. I would have never been bored enough to go to that concert a year ago. And without my cutting, I wouldn't have met Annie, without the anorexia, I wouldn't have passed out and been taken back where I met Colton.

If I hadn't have had no friends, they wouldn't have been so desperate to fill the void, and if I wasn't so lost, they wouldn't have pushed so hard to make me found. If my father hadn't have been selling me, Colton would have never come and rescued me. My life wouldn't be anything close to what it is now.

But it's not what they think right now, either. I shove the thought away and start paying attention to the movie again.

"I forgive you." If only it was that easy.

How does animation manage to look staged? Cause it does.

And now Junior is talking to the people telling the story. That's basically like breaking the fourth wall... which they've also done multiple times.

The grapes were really sorry this time.

Yeah, sure they were.

Seven times seventy is four hundred and ninety, you idiots.

And no little kid is gonna know what a quadratic equation is. I learned what those were in my freshman year of high school.

Finally, that story finishes and moves onto the next about forgiveness. That's over, and I breathe a sigh of relief. Since it's past four in the morning, I'm assuming we're done.

Colton turns to me and grins. "So," he says, "have we caused you enough pain?"

"Yeah, I think you've done plenty," I sigh. "Why was that necessary, again?"

"It just was, girl," he replies easily, and shivers. "You know, March is not the best time to have a movie night outside."

I just shrug. It was his idea. They got a hold of a projector somehow, so we all grabbed chairs and blankets and hung a white sheet over the side of one of the busses. Instant movie night.

I help pack up the stuff, then turn to slip inside our bus. A hand on my shoulder stops me, and I turn to see Alan waiting behind me.

I raise an eyebrow for him to say what he wants to.

"So, I was wondering if you would ride with us tomorrow," he says carefully. He tries to meet my eyes, but I look away. "I have something I wanna talk to you about."

I feel anxiety flood over me, but struggle to keep my face in check. "Sure, whatever."

He smiles slightly. "Don't sound too excited."

I roll my eyes and turn away again, dully responding to his goodnight.

I didn't do anything wrong, did I? Maybe I let something slip. Please, no.

Regardless, I am not looking forward to tomorrow.

We're in Louisville, and home-sweet-home Nashville, only like three hours away, is next on the tour, so we sleep in until ten before we get ready to move out.

I've been awake for about an hour, but I just don't want to get up because I don't want to face Alan. I just know this is going to end horribly.

Finally, Colton pokes his head over the edge of my bunk, offering me a teasing smile.

"Come on, sleepy head. We've only got half an hour before we're leaving."

I groan. Maybe I can fake-sick.

"Yeah, I don't feel well today, Colt," I say, and force a slight cough.

He raises an eyebrow. "Oh really? You want me to take you to the doctor?"

He's got me there. I sit up, sighing heavily. "I'm fine."

"That's what I thought," he says, laughing.

I roll my eyes, grab some leggings and shorts to go over the top, a cami, and my leather jacket, and jumping down to take a quick shower.

Once I have my hair and makeup done, it's nearly time to go. I put my stuff away and stay on my bunk for a long moment. I just don't want to face him.

Once again, Colton meets me, but this time, he pulls himself up to sit next to me.

"You okay, Lexi?" he asks gently, wrapping an arm around my shoulders. "You seem unnaturally nervous about riding with the Anthem boys."

"I'm fine," I reply easily. "I'm just tired from being forced to stay up until four in the morning to watch a show about vegetables."

He laughs, but the concern doesn't leave his eyes as he squeezes me gently before releasing. "If you say so. You better grab you stuff and head over."

I nod reluctantly, grab my backpack, and jump down. And I take the short trek to the Anthem Lights bus with lead in my shoes. Why am I so nervous? He probably just wants to talk more about "my thing", like he said he wanted to find at the start of the tour.

The thought should make me feel better, but it doesn't.

I sigh as I push through the door, not bothering to knock.

They all greet me easily, and Spencer beckons me over to the couch he's on, offering me a Wii Remote.

"Lexi! Just in time for Mario Cart."

I raise an eyebrow, glancing at Alan.

"I thought I was getting interrogated."

He gives me a look, shaking his head. "Come on, girl, I just want to talk to you. And, it's fine, that can wait."

"Yeah, we're not gonna complain if you wanna babysit Spencer for an hour," Caleb adds.

Spencer glares at him. "You're just sick of losing."

"I let you win, and that was one time!" Caleb argues.

Chad sighs. "Yeah, and it was also two months ago. Can we just move on?"

"He started it," Caleb mutters, and Joey just laughs.

"You sound like preschoolers."

"Takes on to know one," Spencer retorts.

He just makes Joey laugh again. "You're proving my point. Lexi, you wanna entertain him for a while?"

"Yeah, whatever," I say, shrugging and dropping my backpack to the floor before walking over to take the controller from Spencer.

Who has a normal Wii anymore, anyway?

I lose to Spencer for an hour and a half before finally giving up and giving my remote to Caleb to try to redeem himself. It isn't long before their playful bickering has filled the bus once more.

Alan still says our talk can wait, so I play cards with him and Joey and Chad for another hour and a half before he finally leads me to the back of the bus, gently pulling me to sit down on a bunk beside him.

And the nervousness that has been nagging at me all day suddenly threatens to overcome me, and I struggle not to start shaking, staring at the bedspread to hide the fear from my eyes.

Alan squeezes my hand gently. "Hey, relax," he says quietly. "It's gonna be okay."

I swallow hard. "Yeah, of course."

"Lexi, come on," he sighs. "Trust me, girl."

I don't answer this time, and he exhales slowly.

"Look, girl, I just wanted to know... are you sure you're doing okay?"

I bite my lip at the question, even though I was expecting it.

"Yeah, I'm fine," I say with as much enthusiasm as I can muster.

"Alexis..." he says, and nothing else, for a long moment, before he finally goes on. "Why do you feel like you have to hurt yourself before you come to one of us?"

It takes a long moment for me to register the words. And I feel panic overwhelm me. No. Please, no.

"I... I don't know..." I stammer. "I don't do that... not anymore, I... I swear."

"Lexi, I saw fresh cuts yesterday morning," he replies gently.

Oh, please no!

"No!" I protest, tears leaping to my eyes. "You... you couldn't have... there's no new ones."

He just raises a tender eyebrow, and reaches out, carefully rolling back my left sleeve. And there's nothing I can do to stop him.

It doesn't take long for the sleeve to reveal fresh cuts from the last days and weeks, time after time that I just couldn't take the pain.

I really start to cry, my head bowed in shame.

"I'm so sorry!" I choke out, allowing my head to drop to my hands.

Before I know what's happening, he's wrapped his arms around me, and I'm crying into his shirt.

"It's okay, Lexi," he whispers. "It's not like that. But I care about you too much to let you hurt yourself like that."

I just cry for another few minutes, unable to do anything else. And he just holds me. But there's something I have to know.

I look up at him, pulling away slightly and swallowing hard.

"Alan," I manage, forcing myself to look him in the eye. "I... I promise, I'll stop. Just... please don't tell Colton." The last part comes out a whisper.

"Lexi, he needs to know," he replies gently. "You can't just stop on your own. And he's not gonna do anything but love on you. I know Colton. He's not gonna be angry."

"Yes, he will!" I argue desperately. "He's done everything for me, and this is how I act? Anyone would be angry."

"You're hurting, Lexi," he says softly. "You're not deliberately acting out. You just don't know how else to handle everything. That's why you need his help. I promise, everything is gonna be alright. This is gonna break some people's hearts. But no one on this tour with us is going to be angry."

"Alan, please!" I try, feeling my tears returning. "They... they can't know!"

"Lexi, I love you too much to keep this a secret," he says, tenderly, but firmly. "I'm not gonna be around much to help you after the tour, but Colton is. You don't have to do it all alone anymore, you know," he adds more quietly.

"I just can't..." I trail off, bursting into tears once more.

Before Alan can say anything, I hear footsteps in the hallway, and look up to see Joey, looking confused and worried.

"Lexi, what's wrong?" he asks, glancing at Alan, then back at me. "What's going..." he stops, his eyes locking onto my wrist. And I realize my sleeve is still back.

He takes another step forward, gently taking my arm before I can pull away.

"Oh my gosh, girl," he whispers, the shock in his tone matching it in his eyes. He looks up to meet mine, and I see tears in those eyes as well. "You don't have to do this anymore, Lexi," he says quietly.

And it's too much. I give into my tears again, dropping my head to my hands.

His arms wrap around me, and I feel Alan's join them. And, one by one, the others come back to see what's going on, and the scene is repeated over, and over again.

When I've finally cried all I can, I pull away slowly, feeling shame creep over me, as I quickly replace my sleeve.

Alan places both hands on my shoulders, looking me in the eye. "I think we're at the venue," he says, and I realize we've stopped moving. "So I'm gonna give you a little time while we unload, and then we'll tell Colton together, okay?"

I don't answer, staring at the bed.

They reluctantly leave me alone, and I feel shock wash over me. What just happened?

Colton is going to be furious. He'll never see me the same again. My entire life is going to change. All of my friends are going to hate me. Alan and the others haven't been there through everything that happened last year, so it's not the same for them. But the others? How could they still love me?

But... I can't live without their love! I can't take life without their gentle encouragement and companionship. I just can't.

Slowly, I get up and walk to the front of the bus, picking up my backpack and stepping outside. I know what I have to do.

I cross to Colton's bus, checking quickly to make sure no one's inside.

It's empty, so I slip inside and grab a pad of sticky notes and a pen, beginning to write quickly.

Dear Colton,

I'm so sorry. For everything. And thank you for everything, too. I love you all. Goodbye.

-Alexis

I slip it under his coffee cup, long abandoned from this morning, with only the corner sticking out. He'll find it, but not for a while.

I'm lucky we're in our hometown. This way, I know where the nearest overpass is. I drop my backpack on the floor, kneel and slip out my razor, and stand up again.

And, with one last deep breath, I leave the bus and walk away, along the road, forcing myself not to look back.

A/N: Hey, guys, I know it's been a while again,and this time I don't really have an excuse, so I'm sorry, but here it is. I'mhoping to post the next one tomorrow night. Also, I saw Skillet in concert overthe weekend, and, OH MY GOSH, they were amazing. I've seen them before, but thatwas still the best concert I have ever been to, even though they didn't even playmy favorite of their songs ("The Last Night"). Anyway, just had to get thatout. I'm done now. d