Alexis
I wake up to the sound of Colton’s version of “Love the Way You Lie” coming from my phone, and I groan as I roll over to shut it off. I take a deep breath and sit up, gazing around the room. It’s seven… I’m certainly not going to get up super early if I don’t have to for school, but I also can’t live with myself if I sleep past eight, and I can hear Annie and Colton’s faint voices downstairs.
The thought of them reminds me of last night’s incident, and I let my head drop to my hands. I am so stupid. But there’s really nothing I can do to stop myself from dreaming. Unless I just don’t sleep. Some nights, it’s tempting.
I just can’t really wrap my mind around the fact that this is my life now. I lived so long with my other one that I don’t know what to do with anything else. It’s just so confusing.
I mean, my life is basically perfect.
Colton and Annie aren’t really life my mother and father… more brother and sister, I guess, but I still have a loving family… in them and everyone else. Mike’s like my uncle, and Joel is like another brother… including the fact that he and Luke are so freaking annoying sometimes. Out of all of them, Luke’s the most like my dad, I think. But I’m not even sure.
Without Danny, I’d kind of forgotten what having a good father was really like. And Luke is honestly too young to be my dad. I mean, when I was born, he was fifteen. Never mind the fact that I don’t live with him and how often I see him honestly depends on the week… or several, because sometimes it is that long.
But, through it all, it’s like I just can’t get it right. I should be happy. And… I guess I am. I mean, there’s no reason why I shouldn’t be. I have everything I could ask for. Except a clean mind. If brainwashing was an option, I’d take it in a heartbeat. But even beyond that, it’s like… it’s like I just can’t move on from my old life.
I mean, there’s no reason I should still be cutting. Maybe I’m hooked on it, but that’s not even what it feels like. Because the pain that always made me do it is still here. And I don’t know why.
But the fact that I’m still doing it makes me hate myself. Which makes me do it more. And so on.
I let out a long sigh and get up to head to the shower. I’ve just gotta try a little harder. Then, maybe I can stop.

After showering, I slip into some leggings and a tank top, then pull on a hoodie over the top, and head downstairs.
It’s obvious Annie already left for work, but Colton’s downstairs, writing something in his journal. He looks up and offers me a smile as I walk into the room.
“Morning, Lexi.”
I force a smile. “Morning.”
I walk into the kitchen and grab a granola bar from the cupboard. It’s one thing that I can eat everyday that at least gets me through the rest of the day without passing out. I still get migraines, but I’ve gotten used to it.
“I’m gonna leave in a while to do tour planning,” he says, a little reluctantly, but turns playful. “You wanna come? It’ll be really fun.”
I glare at him. “I have school to do. Too bad.”
“Your loss,” he laughs. “But duty calls, I suppose.”
I don’t answer, sitting down to eat.
As usual, there’s music going in the living room, and I turn to listening to it.

Two wrong never made a right.
Some roads never find the light.
If it’s broken, you should fix it.
There’s no sense in wasting time.

Everybody makes mistakes.
Nobody’s too far away.
Love will leave the ninety-nine
For the one who got away.
For every wandering soul…

The night’s darkest just before the dawn.
Sometimes you need to stop and go back
Just to carry on.
There’s no need to feel defeated.
Don’t let it get you down.
Sometimes the only way to get home
Is to turn around.

I feel guilt begin to twist at my heart, so I stop listening, turning to Colton instead.
“Who is this even by?”
He raises an eyebrow at me. “You sound offended or something,” he laughs, a confused note to his voice. “It’s by Anthem Lights. You’ll have to meet them sometime.”
I shrug. I think I’ll pass on that one. But I don’t say anything.
What’s wrong with me anyway? It’s just a freaking song.
I finish the bar, toss the wrapper, and head back upstairs, just as he seems to be finishing up as well.
“I’ll be back in a few hours, okay?” he asks. “And then… maybe we can grab lunch or something.”
I try to control my features at the idea.
“Whatever.”
He laughs. “Loving the enthusiasm, Lex. I’ll see you later.”
“See you,” I reply, and he walks out the door.
I stare at it for a long moment. I know what I’m about to do. I shouldn’t. I don’t want to. But I’m gonna do it anyway.
I turn and walk up to my room slowly. Just start on school.
I sit down at my desk and stare at the black screen of my laptop for a long moment. And, slowly, my hand slides to the box in the corner of my desk and gently lifts the lid off. My hand closes around my razor.
And it seems like the moment it does, it’s sliding across my arm.
I cut deep, almost punishing myself for doing it by doing it harder. I feel tears touching my eyes and sliding down my cheeks, and there’s nothing I can do to hold them back. But the pain the seems to be trying to consume me from the inside out eases while the blood flows down my arm.
I make another two cuts before dully cleaning up and putting the razor away.
But the moment I sit down again, I feel myself give in, and I’m sobbing into my hands.
Why can’t I just stop? I’m a pathetic excuse for a Christian. I can only imagine what Jesus is thinking about me right now. And what about Colton? If he could see me, I’d be on the streets, right back where he rescued me from. And yet I just can’t stop.
And I have to face Joel and Luke tonight.
I bite my lip at the realization. I better brush up on the acting. I mean, Colton’s good at seeing through, but he’s around me all the time, which makes it harder. With them, it’s like being away from me makes it easier for them to read it when I’m struggling. Except that’s all the time.
And no one can find out about it.