Colton
It’s three in the morning, and I’m still awake. I roll over, trying not to wake Annie. It’s not usual for me not to sleep like this. So there’s probably a reason.
Just as the thought flits through my mind, I hear a small sound from the other part of the house. I freeze, listening. And it repeats itself. A soft cry. Alexis.
I carefully slide out of bed, and I’m fine in my t-shirt and shorts, so I softly open our door and cross the hall, easing Lexi’s door open as well.
It’s pitch-black inside, unlike the hall light that we leave on, so it takes my eyes a moment to adjust to the light. When they finally do, I see she’s still in bed. But she’s far from resting peacefully.
She’s perfectly still, but sweating, turmoil written on her face. One fist is clenched around the blankets, and her breathing is slightly panicked. And she lets out another cry.
I slowly cross the room, unsure of what to do. I can’t leave her in the kind of agony I know this is causing her. But after everything her father put her through, I can’t exactly just casually wake her up. It’ll terrify the life out of her.
I kneel next to her bed as she cries out again, a soft, fear-filled sound.
“Lexi,” I whisper softly.
She doesn’t stir.
“Lexi, come on,” I repeat a little louder.
Still nothing. She cries again.
Slowly, gently, I reach out and close my hand over hers that is clenching the blanket. It’s a fairly safe place.
“Lexi, wake up, Sweetheart,” I murmur as I do.
And, finally, she stirs violently, and her eyes fly open in a panicked way as she sits up sharply.
Immediately, I squeeze her hand in an attempt of comfort.
“It’s okay, Lexi,” I whisper. “It’s just me.”
Her eyes lock onto me, and consciousness floods into them. It’s immediately followed by shame, as she pulls away from me and lets her head drop into her hands.
“I’m so sorry,” she groans.
“Hey, there’s nothing for you to be sorry about,” I reply gently. “You didn’t do anything wrong.”
“I woke you up.”
“I was never asleep in the first place,” I counter. “And it wouldn’t matter anyway. Lexi, why didn’t you tell me you were having nightmares?”
She shrugs. “It’s just not important. It’s not a big deal, Colton.”
But the shaking in her voice says the opposite.
“I know how bad those can be,” I try. “It is a big deal, okay? And it’s not fun to go through it alone.”
“I’m used to it,” she sighs.
“Well don’t be anymore,” I tell her seriously. “You don’t have to do all of this by yourself now, Alexis.”
She doesn’t answer, just shakes her head.
I sigh, motioning for her to scoot over and sitting next to her on the bed.
“What was it about?” I ask after a long moment.
“Nothing, Colton.”
“Lexi…”
She exhales heavily, obviously realizing she’s lost.
“It was just about…” Her voice falters. “Them.”
Heartbreak flows over me as I realize who she means. She’s seen so many things she never should have had to. So many images to haunt her dreams.
Tenderly, I wrap an arm around her. “I’m so sorry, Lexi.”
She shrugs. “I told you, it’s not a big deal.”
“It is to me,” I reply softly.
She doesn’t answer, so I run a gentle hand through her hair, carefully directing her to lay down again.
I lay a hand on her arm and close my eyes, tipping my head to the sky.
“Jesus,” I whisper, “You are the God of the day and night, and right now, Your daughter needs You in the night. Your Word says You are with us in the night watches. Please make good on that promise. Show Alexis Your Presence. Chase away the demons that are haunting her dreams, and wrap her in Your perfect love. In Your Name I pray, Amen.”
“Amen,” Lexi whispers, but I hear tears behind her voice.
At a loss of what else to do, I start stroking her hair and begin to sing.
Lights off.
A shot in the dark,
We get lost
When we’re playing a part.
We lay blame
Like we know what’s best,
It’s a shame.
We break
When we fall too hard,
Lose faith
When we’re torn apart.
Don’t say
You’re too far gone.
It’s a shame.
It’s a shame.

I’m still standing here.
No, I didn’t disappear.
Now the lights are on.
See, I was never gone.
I let go of your hand
To help you understand.
With you all along.
Oh, I was never gone.

There’s space
Between our lives,
Hard to face.
But I know we try to revive,
Bring it back to life
Don’t walk away.
Don’t walk away!

I’m still standing here.
No, I didn’t disappear.
Now the lights are on.
See, I was never gone.
I let go of your hand
To help you understand.
With you all along.
Oh, I was never gone.

I never ever left you,
Never ever left you, no!
He said, I never ever left you,
Never ever left you, no!
Jesus never ever left you,
Never ever left you, no!
He sees us even in the darkness,
Now you know you’re not alone.

I’m still standing here.
No, I didn’t disappear.
Now the lights are on.
See, I was never gone.
I let go of your hand
To help you understand.
With you all along.
Oh, I was never gone.

I’m still standing here.
No, I didn’t disappear.
Now the lights are on.
See, I was never gone.
I let go of your hand
To help you understand.
With you all along.
Oh, I was never gone.

By the time I’ve finished, her breathing has steadied, and I can tell she’s asleep. Slowly, I rise and walk out to the living room. I can’t sleep anyway.
So I pick up my journal and start to write. But every lyric I write just feels wrong. I can’t get my thoughts together. Finally, I wrote fours words.
I love you, Lexi.
And I close the book. I don’t know what it’ll turn into. Maybe nothing. Maybe something. But it’s true. And it always will be.