Alexis

I let out a long sigh of relief as I finally close my computer after a long session of Spanish III. That is by far my least favorite subject. But it was also the last one I had today, so now I'm finally done. Hallelujah.

I sigh and stare out the window to the new venue, where everyone else is inside, doing soundcheck and setting up for the show tonight. Finally, I reach over and pick up my phone, which I silence while I'm doing school.

Ever since a few hours after I met him yesterday, Aiden has typically kept up a steady stream of conversation that I answer with as few words as possible. Since I haven't responded in the five hours school took me, I'm assuming there's a new one.

As I pick the phone up, it lights up with a new notification, and I feel my eyebrows shoot up when I see how many there are. Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, and even Snapchat, which I honestly never use.

Um... okay then. I haven't posted anything since Monday, and it's Friday today, so I'm not really sure why I would have so many. I mean, yeah, since I started living with Colton, I've gotten quite a few more followers, but they typically only show up when I post something.

I mean, there is this tag that comes up occasionally, #lexistory , where people guess about why I'm living with Colt and Annie, but that's just every once in a while when someone gets bored. And never this much at once.

But there's also a text from Aiden, so I look at that first. He was asking about my favorites of different things, then telling me his, earlier, and this one continues the tradition.

Haha, relatable. What about sports? I play basketball and like watching football like any normal American man, but what about you?

I type back a quick response, my curiosity about the notifications tearing at me.

I run, and when I'm really bored I watch football with Colt.

And I turn to the others. I tap one where I've been tagged, the one with the earliest time on it. It's on Twitter, which I basically never use, by someone I don't know. And as I read, I feel myself stop breathing.

@jessicasofopals

No wonder Colton Dixon has never said much about @lexgreggors story. My brother talked to her, and she was a total ****. Heard she slept with a bunch of guys and blamed all her problems on her parents. And also, she still cuts and is suicidal. What a little *****. Pretends she's all Christian while in reality, she's just a total ******* sinner. #lexistory

It's like time has frozen as I stare at the message. How? That's not even how it is. I was sold. I didn't... it's not like that. Please, tell me I'm dreaming!

It hits me like a punch to the stomach. Aiden. He's the only possible answer. This is a girl, but "her brother" that she heard this from could have only been him. I just don't believe this. How could this happen? I thought I could trust him.

Apparently, I was stupid.

Of course I was stupid. How could I have told him everything I did? Haven't I learned enough? What, his face and his charm blinded me from everything I've ever learned? Now, I'm paying for it dearly.

Fighting tears and struggling to breathe, I start scrolling through the other notifications, more from Twitter, Facebook, and even Instagram. Already here, I start with Twitter, first all the awful replies to that one, and then on to another, and another after that.

@delilahilweston

OMG, whose heard? We finally found out the truth about @lexgreggors . She's a total **** who Colton had compassion on and brought to the Lord, but now she's still acting like a heathen. Man, poor dude. He's probably really regretting his decision to take her in. #lexistory

@josephrobhetters

Wow just when you think you can trust Christian celebs. I don't know that I can be a fan of Colton Dixon anymore if he's supporting someone like @lexgreggors . Why wouldn't he set her straight? What a loser.

@alicegracelison

What? OMG, that's so unfair! She's living with Colton Dixon, and she can't even control her habits? @lexgreggors is seriously such a let-down. Here we thought we were gonna get another role model and we get that instead.

@haystufflen

Guys, give her a break. So she's got a tough past and still struggles. Don't we all? Jesus still loves her, and we should too. What about the woman caught in adultery? Or the thief on the cross? @lexgreggors is only human just like us.

@kathwilgeorgia

Wow, what a liar. She parades around as Colton's new little sister, acting like she's better than us, and then she sins in private. I don't believe some people. I knew @lexgreggors was bad news to begin with. Gosh, I wish Colton would just throw her to the streets. It's where a **** like her belongs, anyway.

I can't fight my tears any longer, and I start to cry as I continue through Twitter with more and more hateful messages, spiced with the occasional defense of me. Probably just Christians who always have to be loving. None of them were stupid enough to tag Colt, and I couldn't be more grateful. He can't see this.

I switch to Instagram, where I posted a picture of Joel and Luke two days ago, adding the caption Everyone needs people like this, who always tell you how priceless you are, no matter how often you just can't believe it. @forkingandcountry

My tears come harder at the new comments on it.

@jessicasofopals

If you didn't think a knife could solve all your problems, you might have an easier time believing it, you know. #lexistory

@delilahilweston

You really think you're gonna get pity from us? You sleep with a bunch of guys, and then expect sympathy when you don't feel all warm and fuzzy inside?

@wiladebque

You should just go back to where you came from and let people like Colton, Joel, and Luke have their lives back without a loser like you in their hair.

@zellajamkrivers

You're living the dream after being a total sinner and you want pity from us? Yeah, girl, that ain't gonna happen.

It seems like they'll never end, but, finally, I get through all of them. I'm crying too hard to do anything else, before I dully realize that Aiden texted me back.

Now that's also relatable. What else do you do for fun? Personally, I mountain bike and play video games.

How could he act so normal? He has to know what's going on, doesn't he? I only have the words for one response.

How could you?

He's quick this time.

What's wrong? Did I do something? What's going on?

Haven't you seen it?

Seen what? Lexi, I don't know what you're talking about.

I don't know whether or not I believe him.

Haven't you been on social media at all?

Not today.

Go look.

Brb

I can't stop crying as I wait for several minutes. And my default ringtone comes on, Aiden's name flashing on the screen. I reject the call, and, a moment later, a text comes in.

Lexi, I am so, so, so sorry. I had no idea. That girl who started it was my little sister. She's a middle schooler, and she's going through this rebellious phase, but I didn't even think about that when I told my parents what you'd told me. I didn't mean for it to get out, and I know I shouldn't have told them, but I had no idea she would do this to you. I promise, I'll make her stop.

It's already there. You can't stop it all.

I know, and I know there is nothing I can do to make this up to you. I am so, so, so sorry, Lexi.

I don't respond. There's nothing I can say.

I thought Colton's fans were supposed to be Christians. I mean, I know I'm a loser, but... Jesus hung out with losers, didn't He? And... I just... I didn't think Christians did... this.

I lose it and start sobbing again, letting my head drop to my knees.

Just when I thought things were going to get better, and they got so much worse.

I cry for a while before realizing I really need to stop before someone comes in here. But I just... I just can't. How am I supposed to act like everything is alright when it's really the exact opposite?

My phone goes off, and hesitantly reach out and pick it up.

A text, from an unknown number.

Hey, lexi, what's up? I'm just a Colton fan, looking for a little more information on the stuff that's come out about you today. You told my brother that before you met Colton there wasn't a way to handle things except by cutting. Is that really the message you want to be spreading? Unless you get taken in by a celebrity, the only way you can cope with everything is by cutting up your arm? So you don't even think there was anything wrong with it? Nice.

How did she get my number?

I squeeze my eyes shut against a fresh wave of tears, opening them again after a long moment and slowly blocking the number. I doubt it will work, but it's worth a try.

And I'm left to cry again.

Why? Why am I so shocked and devastated? After all, everything they're saying is true.

My past is absolute trash, and it's probably all my fault in reality. And they're right about the present too. To continue to cut and think about suicide after everything Colton and Annie have done for me is completely and totally wrong.

So why am I sitting here sobbing about a bunch of truth being thrown in my face?

Because maybe the fact that it's true makes it hurt even worse.

I can't make myself stop crying, no matter how hard I try.

But I have to stop. Someone's gonna be in here before I know it.

My hand slides beneath my mattress, and, before I know what's happening, I have my last blade in my hand... a pair of tiny sewing scissors.

No. I can't. I just can't.

I lower it to my wrist and press down, pulling slowly.

These don't instantly draw blood... you have to go fast, scratching at the same strip of skin over and over again and watching it slowly tearing away. But you can still get really deep, if you just keep going.

But I can't. I know I can't.

I hear a sound outside, and I panic, shoving the scissors into one of my cabinets and flying down the ladder to clean myself up in the bathroom.

No one ends up coming in, but I guess it was for the better anyway.

I mean, I almost started again.

I just don't understand why I was born to be such a loser.